Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Alfred 'Alfie' Dribble

Alfred "Alfie" Dribble of Popular Circle is trying to earn money for a new bike. One month ago, while shopping at Donaldson's Department Store with his mother Donna, he saw the Schwinn Knee Scrapper 200 one speed bike complete with mud flaps and bell. He reported the two wheel wonder spoke to him and said, "Alfie, Alfie....take me home." He frantically searched the store to find his mother, nearly sending the Widow Birch to the floor by accidental tripping over her walking frame while running through the women's department . He found his mother and dragged her to the sports department.

"This bike is mine. It told me so. But the store won't believe me unless I pay them money," he said with his hand outstretched. Alfie is a bit slow at times and has trouble understanding the correlation between money and goods. After all, money was just paper and paper was abundant. He knew his mother's purse had an unlimited supply. His mother needed to give the store enough of this paper to make them believe the bike was his.
"Alfie, if you want this bike," his mother said while looking twice at the price tag, "you'll need to earn the money yourself." She saw Alfie's face begin to contort and shake. This was the sign of an emotional eruption. " Don't even think of throwing one of your tantrums. I've got no problem spanking you right here in the middle of this store," she said quietly with her finger pointed millimeters from his nose.

Alfie thought long and hard on a way to get people to give him their money. Asking didn't seem to work and his tantrums resulted in a sore bottom.
"Alfie, people work to get money," his teacher told him one day after finding him outside on the playground attempting to shake the younger students down for their lunch money. Alfie thought long and hard. Suddenly he was inspired. He grabbed a piece of paper and a crayon and drew a poster for his own business - Kleen Kitty. For five dollars Alfie will come to your home, capture you cat and lock it in his cleaning cage - which he carries around the neighborhood on his Red Radio Flyer wagon. Alfie cleans the cat with his father's hurricane strength pressure sprayer attached to the end of a garden hose.
"I can get them cats hissen and spinin like there's a twister," Alfie says as he spins in place to demonstrate. "I can even make more money selling tickets to the other kids to watch me do it," Alfie added with pride.
After the pressure wash Alfie drys the cat with his father's leaf blower. Once the wash and dry cycle is complete the half dead cat is taken from the cage and returned to its owner. Alfie says his cleaning machine is good for any pet although he is having second thoughts about canaries after having an 'accident' with the Wilson's favorite pet 'Tweety'.


  1. Love this future unibomber...

    He had a great idea to clean kritters...but why stop here and return a wet creature? Why did he not think to use a leaf blower or air compressor to give this kitty a final lovely dried fluff-and-puff look!!!

  2. Fun new idea, Victor. I'll check back often. I agree with Sheila about the drying idea.