Thursday, September 24, 2009

ElderKaraoke, Tonight on Cloverdale Weekend Television.

ElderKaraoke airs live tonight on Cloverdale Weekend Television from The Kicking Donkey Pub in Cloverdale's beautiful village centre. This show is brought to you by the same people that captivated your imagination with such one hit wonders as Train Spotting and What's in our Bath Tubs.

Residents of the Nearly There Home for the Elderly and Insane auditioned by video for a spot on the show. The winning lip syncing geriatric, as determined by those in attendance and those watching over television, will be given an all expense paid trip by train to Capital City where they will stay in the recently remodeled Super 8 Motor Lodge and enjoy two complimentary meals at the Galaxy All You Can Eat Buffet found three miles from city centre on the city's ring road. Of course, the television station's lawyers required a physical to ensure the winner is capable of traveling by train and is capable of intelligent, independent thought.

What you about to see is one of the many audition tapes sent by the residents of Nearly There Home for the Elderly and Insane. If you like what you see please follow the prompts at the bottom of the screen during the live show tonight. This is the audition tape for contestant 13. The Home will not release his name pending notification of the next of kin.

We apologize that contestant 12's tape wasn't included as promised for your consideration. Contestant 12 died last night at the Home due to complications resulting from swallowed dentures.

Remember, for the best in family viewing watch Cloverdale Weekend Television.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Alfie Newman Will Not Share.

Alfie Newman is home with his parents and sister at 342 Porter Place, Cloverdale. He had another terrible day at That Horrible Place and is happy to be alive. He's in his bedroom being comforted by Winney, his bear. His nerves calmed as he stroked the hazelnut fabric. The world was familiar again.

“It’s horrible Winney,” Alfie was open with his feelings. “That other place is horrible. There’s a witch that makes me do things I don’t want to do. There’s other kids that want my things and I don’t want to share. The witch yells at me for not being a good boy and takes my things away. Its a horrible place and I don’t want to go back.”
Winney led Alfie's other stuffed animals in a nod of agreement.

Alfie has a large collection of stuffed friends. Each is named and assigned a place in his room when they're not in his arms - either on his bed or on the shelf his father built near his closet. Alfie appreciated their understanding of his plight and his hatred of Kindergarten. School was not for Alfie. He knew it the moment his mother pulled into the parking lot and tried to pull him out of the car. Alfie feels bad about knocking her glasses off as he madly kicked at her hands as she tried to lock onto his ankles and pull him out of the back seat. He felt worse after she swatted his bum for stubbornness.

“I’m too small to run away,” Alfie said to his stuffed congregation, gathered in a semi circle on the bed before him. “Besides, I couldn’t take all of you with me. My backpack isn’t big enough and I don’t know how to drive. I can’t see over the steering wheel and work the gas pedal at the same time. Mom says I’m stuck and I have to learn to live with it. I can’t. Its too horrible. I won’t share. I can’t share. What’s mine is mine I don’t care what the witch says!”

He smiled as the animals nodded in unison. They cared, and that alone made it all worthwhile.

“Alfie,” Mother called from the kitchen. Alfie refused to answer. He was talking to his friends and wasn’t going to share that time with someone who would cruelly abandon her own child to that place where you're told everything to do and say.

“I’m not talking to you because you’re mean and my animals are telling me your wrong to make me go to that horrible place.” Alfie shouted back, please with himself that he hadn't spoken to her since he ran into the house after school, slamming the door behind him.

“Dibbles are on.” Mother shouted back seemingly not bothered by her son’s foul temperament.

Alfie’s ears perked. His back straighten. He rolled off the bed, rushing for the bedroom door. He couldn’t miss The Dibbles. They came on every afternoon at 4:00 P.M. on Cloverdale Weekend Television. He ran into the living room and plopped down on the floor exactly four feet in front of the television screen. It was his special place. Mother walked by with a dust rag in one hand and the furniture polish in the other.

“No friend today Alfie. They will be so disappointed you forgot.” She said.

Alfie’s face changed from overblown excitement to sincere sorrow. He jumped up and ran back into his bedroom. He had to hurry. The Dibble’s theme song was playing. It would soon be time to sing.

“Who’s turn is it to see The Dibbles today?” Alfie asked. He looked at each animal. Their button eyes stared back at him expectantly. Alfie knew they all loved The Dibbles, and that fact made choosing difficult. He remembered Sally got to watch yesterday. So if yesterday was Sally's day then it was Hippo's turn today. He snatched Harry the Hippo from his pillow, apologized to the others and made a bee line back into the living room singing The Dibbles song at the top of his lungs.

Alfie’s day turned out fine after all. He watched The Dibbles, then ate pizza for supper, had a nice warm bath and a good story when Dad got home.

It would all be OK.

Until tomorrow...........

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Tabitha Tooks. Addicted to the Rainbow Flavors.

Six month old Tabitha Tooks lives with Natalie Tooks, her single 18 year old mother, in the basement apartment at 34 Meadowlark Lane, Cloverdale. Natalie took this picture using her cell phone camera and submitted it, along with the baby’s resume, to the Harvest Festival and Fair’s Cutest Baby of Cloverdale Competition. Her nomination was accepted. Natalie is so excited and won’t talk about anything else while at work waitressing tables at the Hairy Lemon Pub.

“I tried using a pacifier but she wouldn’t take it.” Natalie wrote in a note attached to the photograph in Tabitha’s application. “Her screaming nearly drove me round the bend. Then one night she was screaming and I was watchng my shows. I picked her up and held her while I was eaten my Skittles I picked up on my way home from work where I waitress tables at The Hairy Lemon. She kept reaching for ‘em. I finished ‘em and gave her the empty bag. She took to it straight away. It went straight to her mouth and the screaming stopped. It was a miracle from God above to save my wits and I won’t hear anyone sayin anything different.”

Natalie was challenged once while strolling Tabitha through Cloverdale Park by the Lutheran Pastor’s wife about the safety of letting her daughter suck on a Skittles package.

“Only once did she get the end of the bag opened due to the fact that she slobbers alot while chewing on it. It was my mistake that I didn’t check to see if I’d eaten all them Skittles. One got left. I don’t know how but she got it in her mouth. I heard her choking from the front room while I was watching my shows. I was in there fast, held her up by the ankles and with one good swat to the back that orange Skittle flew across the room. Other than that, there’s been no problems.”

Natalie’s phone is full of pictures of Tabitha wearing the cutest clothes available at the Salvation Army Thrift Store on the High Street. The bunny sleeper is Tabitha’s favorite. She won’t go to bed wearing anything else.

“She's stubborn on what she wears. Always gotta look good. She takes after me on that.” Natalie said proudly to a neighbor she bumped into at the Piggly Wiggly. Her neighbor was surprised to see her and Tabitha out shopping at 1:30 A.M. Natalie says it is the best time to shop. The store is nearly empty and she feels less embarrassed to buy groceries with Confederacy Food Assistance Coupons issued by the Ministry of Social Welfare.

“It ain’t easy being a single mom,” Natalie said once to her landlady, “But with the help of them Skittles it sure has gotten easier!”