Monday, August 9, 2010

Cloverdale's Children, Teeth Rot and the Queen

Humbugs Confectionery Delights in Cloverdale recently placed an add in the Confederacy Times announcing the benefits of eating sugar. It had to be done to counter the proposed ban of all sweets from the Shire’s school cafeterias. They realized the risk they took in placing the add. Sugars, like other carbohydrates, are on many people’s ‘poison list’ of things never to eat if you want to live past fifty with your own teeth.

Last month, the Clovershire School Council issued an order removing all sugared drinks from the middle and comprehensive school’s menu and vending machines. This month the Council is considering the complete removal of all sweets from the dispensing machines. Students are rightfully upset and plan on attending the meeting in droves to protest the trampling of their right to stuff themselves with anything - Good or Bad.

"What will they do next?" said Student Council Leader Treg Tumms. "Will they ban our heavily caffeinated drinks next. I mean, I can't make it through a day without my six Red Bulls. How can we stay awake in class, especially with the teachers they have working in the school? Talk about boring. I mean, even the nerds can't stay awake without something. How can we maintain our social lives and get an education at the same time!? No, the line is drawn here and we won't budge."

Parents seemed neutral, at first. That attitude quickly changed after the Clovershire Dental Association sponsored several television adds on Cloverdale Weekend Television showing the horrors of tooth decay brought about because of sugared drinks. The television add focused primarily on British school children’s teeth - brown and decayed because of the gallons and gallons of sugared tea they drink each year.

A Scene taken from the Television Add Showing a Headline from the
British Tabloid "The Sun"On the Current
State of Dental Hygiene in Britain

The add ends by saying, “British Parents love their Tea more than Their Children’s Dental Health. Is that True in Clovershire?” The add accomplished its desired purpose. The village’s parents are now more inclined to support the sweets ban. The Council may have the votes to outlaw candy completely from the schools. Humbugs, the Shire’s leading supplier of sweets and other items of serious sinfulness, felt an obligation to support the product their business was built upon.

With the financial support of the British Embassy in Capital City, the new Humbug add extolling the virtue of sugar, is running in current newspapers up and down the Confederacy from Tamworth on Tide to Fernwood on the Moor. The British Embassy became involved by direct order of the Prime Minister.

“Nobody attacks the very foundation of British culture without a response from this government, Nobody!” the Prime Minister was quoted as saying while taking tea with the Ambassador of the Confederacy Tuesday last. The Ambassador apologized to the Prime Minister and to the English people.

“That add was sponsored by the Dental Association and not our government,” he stressed in his brief remarks before the cameras were asked to leave the room. It was noted that while the Ambassador was addressing the press, the Prime Minister was seen putting several teaspoonfuls of sugar into the Ambassador’s tea.

The Queen was informed of the Confederacy’s attack on tea during her weekly audience with the Prime Minister.

Queen Elizabeth Upset over the Remarks Made Disparaging Tea.
"Off With Their Heads," She Was Overheard Saying

“We are so upset by this we shall take tea now instead of after our meeting,” she said while ringing for her servants using a small silver bell on the lamp stand.

“Quite,” the Prime Minister responded indigently.

Humbug's Seriously Sinful Chocolates in Cloverdale

Humbugs is running a new promotion to encourage people to attend the School Council’s next meeting and support sweets in the vending machines of the Shire’s schools. Everyone that comes into the shop and signs the petition to encourage the consumption of sugar receives one chocolate; not from the Downright Delicious display case, not from the Seriously Delicious display case, and not even from the Sinfully Delicious display case. Anyone that signs the “Sweets in our School’s” petition is given their choice of any chocolate in the Seriously Sinfully Delicious display case!

The School Council understands they may be loosing the support of the public and are ordering another Power Point presentation from the Dental Association to be played during the next meeting. The Council asked for the Anti Chewing Tobacco Presentation, with several modifications. The Council requested all references to tobacco be removed and the word sugar substituted in its place. All pictures of snuff and chewing tobacco are to be replaced with pictures of the most popular candy bars, based on past sales in the machines.

“The pictures of various mouth cancers are hideous, guaranteed to turn the stomachs of everyone in the room,” the Chairman said in a secretly recorded telephone conversation with the Chairman of the Dental Association. “This will do the trick. We will carry the crowd.”

This is a Council meeting you’ll not want to miss. Everybody in the village, along with nearby villages and even the British press will be in attendance. There's even talk that a representative of the Foreign Office from Capital City will speak on behalf of tea.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Cloverdale Weekend Televison: Songs of Praise. Make Me A Channel of your Peace

The Weather for Clovershire.
The large high pressure mass which has dominated the region retreats today, opening the door for cooler weather and rain. Expect heavy rain in the PM accompanied with lightening. Not the best day for an outing.

Heavy rain in the mountains may bring minor flooding to Dibley in the Downs and other villages along the Clover River. Keep a watchful eye.
Cloverdale's Council of Churches, as the do every Sunday, encourage you to attend your church of choice.