Saturday, February 21, 2009

Tamworth on Tide

The Confederacy of Dunces is home to many communities that share our unique outlook on life. Communities where the hustle and bustle of modern life is left at the border with The Other World. A place where a bit of confusion is accepted. A place where your business meeting is scheduled to start 'around 9 or 10 A.M.' Yes, it takes awhile to get things done here but we sure have a good time doing them.

This is Tamworth on Tide located forty kilometers from Cloverdale near the Coast of Despair, The Confederacy of Dunces's harbor. Ships depart and arrive daily bringing people to and from our Confederacy. Many come to our commonwealth looking for sanctuary from the future shock of modern living. Many leave the Confederacy seeking fortune, fame and endless caffeine rushes in The Other World.

Tamworth on Tide is a beautiful weekend destination for the traveller seeking a lazy stroll by the sea with a stop for a drink, good conversation, and the best Shepard's Pie in the Shire. All of this can be found at The Blue Dolphin Pub. I recommend the outdoor tables. Each table is supplied with a candle, a bowl of pretzels and an excellent view of the sea. Captain Jack performs every weekend on his harpsichord singing your favorite sea shanties. He is a real character dressed in his 18th century costume. A word of caution, he puts everything into his music so be advised to sit out of spittle range to avoid an unpleasant missile attack on your Shepard's Pie. Captain Jack is a gentleman that never drinks hard liquor except when toasting fallen sailors lost to the sea - which happens frequently at a sea side pub so he can get a bit tipsy by evening's end. His slightly inebriated state adds a sense of realism to his music!

Captain Jack prepares for his evening performance
at The Blue Dolphin. Please don't request 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.
Please........ we mean it........ For Pity's Sake have Mercy!

Before leaving Tamworth on Tide we recommend you stop by Selmund's Salt Water Taffy Emporium. Get your picture taken with Mr. Taffy. Sample the best salt water taffy in town. Watch for the neon sign overhead that reads "Fresh Taffy Now". When it flashes its time to pull and kiss a new batch of mouth watering, denture destroying, crown pulling, taffy. Jump right in and help. No experience needed. Its an experience you'll not likely forget.

Mr. Taffy, a Local Favorite and tourist attraction all to himself.

Remember Tamworth on Tide the next time you gas up the car and take the family out for an airing.

Friday, February 20, 2009

The Confederacy of Dunces vs. China

China's National Treasure: The TerraCotta Warriors

The Confederacy of Dunces Temporary Local Treasure: The Snowflake Warriors

Now Honestly, what is more impressive?
Visit Cloverdale in the Confederacy of Dunces. Believe us, The Other World hasn't got anything on us!

Cloverdale in the Shire Visitor's Bureau

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Vacation Home Rental

One home on the Coastal Highway six miles from Cloverdale in the Shire in the Confederacy of Dunces. Two bedrooms, oddly shaped. A small kitchen, oddly shaped. Bathroom and sitting room - both oddly shaped. Sits on a picturesque dairy farm. Good for long walks, but be careful where you step. A perfect get away for that fresh air you’ve been longing for - except when the farmer is cleaning out the barn. He will post notice a day before giving you time to find lodgings in the village.

A perfect get away for the curious in the Other World that seek adventure in the Confederacy of Dunces. Come experience life slightly differently. Come experience a place where time slows, joy expands and sorrow shrinks.

Call Cloverdale 587. Ask for Mildred.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Mrs. Adlam's Angels

Mrs. Adlam
We Leave you in your Angels Care.

Sundays, as a rule, us kids went to Sunday School,
And Mrs Adlam said, angels stood round our bed.
To keep us safe from dark, right through to day begun,
And we used to lie awake, just to try to see one,
And though we never saw one anywhere,
We heard them softly singing in the air.

Sundays occasionally we were invited back for tea,
And bread with jam and cream, made Sundays seem a dream.
In the dingy mission hall, Mrs Adlam praying,
And down the street back home, all our mates were playing,
With Mrs Adlam's angels everywhere,
And we thought we saw a halo in her hair.

Sundays, for sure, ain't like that anymore,
Its getting hard for me, to see her face in front of me.
I wonder if her angels have their arms around her curled,
Keeping her safe from life, and guarding her from the world.
On a summer Sunday evening do I dare,
To hear Mrs Adlam's angels in the air.

Ralph McTell

I had a Mrs. Adlam in my life. Living in a small Mormon branch in my own little corner of the Confederacy meant Mormons were few and far between. I was the only one in my Primary class. My Mrs. Adlam prayed with me. My Mrs. Adlam sang with me. My Mrs. Adlam and her angels, brought the joy of life and a love for faith into the heart and mind of a small nine year old. My Mrs. Adlam is gone but her Angels -
I still hear them singing in the air.

Thank you Sister White.

Your Student,

Mrs Adlams Angels - Ralph McTell

Trudy, the First Grade, and Death Dodge Ball.

Trudy in Her Days of Leisure

Trudy was truly the luckiest mouse in the Confederacy. Miss Patience's first grade class at Confederacy Elementary pampered this little fellow with every luxury a mouse would desire. Until now. Trudy needed to get in shape.

Recently Miss Patience noticed Trudy's slight weight gain. She saw the same problem in her more docile students. In an effort to stem this extra growth in her students, Miss Patience prepared a new unit on exercise and proper nutrition. Soon the entire class was eating celery and carrot pudding and Running For Life. Running for Life was the term Miss Patience used to describe her joint PE times with the sixth grade. The sixth grade students were pitted against her first grade class in Death Dodge Ball.

"Nothing gets their little hearts pumping and calories burning more than running for their lives from a sixth grade boy that sees a helpless kid in his sights. Those boys sure can throw hard." Miss Patience explained while caring for a young girl with broken glasses and a bloody nose.

Trudy was spared the pounding of dodge ball. A hamster wheel was installed in her cage instead. Trudy was not amused.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Now Playing at the Cloverdale Grand Theater on the High Street

Humans Are Among Us!
A Dunce Film Society Production.
Funded by the Addams Family Foundation
and the Confederacy Endowment for the Arts

A gruesome tale of love between a human and zombie. Lucy Luscious, is the beautiful yet lonely secretary of Eldon Flooring, the manager of Capital City’s Cemetery, and former high school tennis star . Lucy is working late one dark and windy night filing burial records. She hears something moving outside her window. A woman's curiosity moves her to make a fateful decision. Armed with a flashlight and one of her high heels in her throwing hand, Lucy stops at the office mirror to check her lipstick and then steps outside. Out in the darkness and under her office window she sees a figure crouched in the bushes. Her flashlight is brought to bare. A white decimated face stares back at her. She screams as she shakes her head back and forth so her naturally curly auburn hair flows across the silver screen. Of course this is required for any beautiful woman encountering a zombie. And in keeping with movie tradition she doesn't run. The zombie is too terrified to move. This forces her to scream again - but at a higher pitch. He still doesn’t move. The zombie seems captivated by her beautiful face and shrill voice. Lucy stops screaming after seeing her deterrent isn't working. She steps closer to this spawn of Satan - this bad boy of the underworld. Is she finding herself attracted to this hideous creature? They stare at each other for several minutes. Lucy begins to chew her gum. A sign of acceptance. She puts her shoe back on and asks if he came there often. She knew it was stupid thing to ask but she couldn’t think of anything else to say to a zombie. They strike up a conversation. It grows personal. She learns his name is Moisel Morpid. Every night he hides near her window to capture another glimpse of his secret love before returning to the crypt. The encounter takes an unexpected turn. What follows can only be described as grossly unnatural. So hideous it must be seen to believe.

This affair is discovered by Eldon Flooring, whom we discover is also madly in love with Lucy. In a rage fueled by passion and jealousy, Eldon recruits a gang of half crazed, half drunk regulars from the nearest Pub to help hunt this zombie down. Strangely enough, the gang arrives at the cemetery carrying torches, even though they all have operational flashlights in their trucks.
  • What will Happen?
  • Will Moisel Live? Perhaps another stupid question but this movie isn’t afraid to ask the stupid questions.
  • What will happen to Lucy Luscious? Will she ever find true happiness? Will she ever find a lipstick that truly compliments her naturally curly auburn hair and her autumn but nearly winter complexion?
  • Will Capital City feel the wrath of Humans Gone Wild?
These questions, and others, are answered in this non awarding winning, yet entirely forgettable film. Don’t miss it. Bring the whole family (accept anyone younger than sixteen. Also it may be best to leave grandma and grandpa at home. Some scenes could cause choking if their dentures are loose.)

Prepare to scream.
Prepare to cower in fright.
Prepare to give the Heimlich Maneuver to the guy next to you when he gasps
in retched horror after realizing that the ugly zombie can get a hot girl and he can't.

Oh the humanity! And shot on a low budget.

Show times are every evening at 7:00 and 9:00 P.M.

Remember, there’s plenty of parking in the rear of the theater. IF YOU DARE!!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Mrs. Evidine Trindle, Her Music, and Her Brownies

Mrs. Evidine Trindle and her Violin 'Rosebud'

Citizens and visitors arriving at Cloverdale in the Shire by train are serenaded every Monday, Wednesday and Friday by Mrs. Evidine Trindle of 6 Mulberry Close and her violin she affectionatly calls 'Rosebud'. Evidine sits in her lawn chair right outside the main entrance and plays an assortment of her favorite songs. She was playing a delightful rendition of ‘Whisky in the Jar’ when I stepped off the train last Wednesday from a business trip to Fernwood on the Moor. I stopped and listened, as did many others. All of us were in a hurry but never in too much of a hurry to miss a Trindle performance. A smile appeared on her face as the crowd grew. If you caught her on a good day when she is in ‘proper form’ (her words) she might take a request or two.

At the end of the song, Evidine thanked everyone for stopping and then, using her bow, gently tapped a tupperware cake container beside her. The container had a large red cross colored in magic marker on its lid. It was full of her home made brownies. You see, Evidine is the Shire’s Red Cross Chairwoman. This is her way of reminding you of your duty to help the Red Cross with its relief efforts. The money raised from her performances at the Train Station help care for the many weekly arrivals seeking asylum at the Confederacy of Dunces’s Border with The Other World. The money is also used to purchase toys for the children in the pediatric ward of St. Elizabeth's Hospital.

Cloverdale's Train Station

Each brownie is frosted in white confectionery icing with a red cross made from either red colored coconut or red sugar. For every brownie purchased Evidine places a small Red Cross sticker on your jacket telling the world that, for a brief moment, you heard the best violin playing in the Shire while enjoying a delicious brownie - all for a good cause. Could there be a better way to end your day?

Mrs. Evidine Trindle and Rosebud are dedicated to their art and appear promptly at 4:00 P.M. regardless of the weather. If its teeming with rain or snow the Station Master will let her play in the passenger waiting room.

Friends, help Evidine help others. Remember her as you go about your daily business and if you and the kids are near the train station on a Monday, Wednesday or Friday please stop and appreciate the dedication of a fellow Dunce.

Remember, we are all in this together.

Join Cloverdale's Red Cross Society
Give Relief and Hope.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Colton Cranney: Crack Pirate

Colton prepares to separate you from your treasures.

Colton Cranny lives at 35 Vine Street and attends Cloverdale Middle School. He's not the best student but he does know one thing very well - cracks; furniture cracks to be exact. This is the place in chairs and sofas where the back and arm cushions come in contact with the back and bottom frame. These cracks are home to a variety of treasures which have fallen from people's pockets. You sit down and inevitably something travels from your pocket into the crack - swallowed and never to see the light of day. Until now.

One day Colton was home watching his favorite television program. From the open front window he heard the sound of the ice cream truck working its way through the neighborhood. It played a merry melody written to enchant the young into stepping out into the street to purchase an icy delight. Colton was captivated by the tune. It triggered a deep urging for something sweet. Something primal forced him to his feet and pointed him toward the front door. Out of habit he checked his pockets for coins. They were empty. The trance was broken. Colton knew he had several half Dunce coins when he came home from school. Where were they?

Cloverdale's Ice Cream Van.

The sound of the piper was coming closer. Colton bent over the sofa and shoved his entire arm between the cushions and down the back and sides in a search for his lost money. His fingers felt something cold. It was metallic. He grabbed hold and pulled out a handful of coins - a hidden treasure. There was enough money in his hand to buy an icy delight and the holy grail of all mobile ice cream trucks - The Mother Load. The Mother Load is a multistory skyscraper of vanilla and chocolate ice-cream swirling clockwise as it emerges from a 4 inch diameter sugar cone. It is topped with fiery sprinkles and nearly a pint of whipped cream. A sparkler is lit and put through the cone just before the ice cream man hands it out the window and into your quivering hand. The owner can only stare at The Mother Load's exquisite beauty . Then it melts down your hand and onto the sidewalk. Suddenly you're in a rush to eat it. Three bites in and you've got the worse brain freeze of your life.

Later that night, after recovering from a stomach ache, Colton’s greedy mind stumbled upon a hither to unknown fact of nature. The treasure found in cracks. If his sofa had enough money for The Mother Load then so should everyone else's. He called his best friend and asked to come over. As soon as she opened the door he went right to her sofa and shoved his entire arm through the cracks in search of treasure. After a few seconds he hit pay dirt. In his clutched hand they found money, gum wrappers, old movie tickets, a baby tooth, and her mother’s long lost wedding ring. Colton was a hero. His friend kissed him on the cheek. So did her mother. Colton went home and drew up a business plan. His father was impressed with his initiative and loaned him 30 Dunces to get started.

The next day Colton stopped at the Piggly Wiggly’s customer service counter and had 200 flyers printed. The Flyer read:
Colton Cranny Treasure Hunter. Let me in, show me your sofas and chairs and I’ll do the digging. All treasure is shared. Shiver me Timbers mateys, ye be rich soon. I’ll be by on the Jolly Roger. Let me in or ye walk the plank.
Colton stopped by the local Salvation Army Thrift Store and found a cool pirate flag for his bike newly named 'The Jolly Roger'. After a quick stop at home he was on the Jolly Roger canvassing his neighbor with flyers. The next day he went out again. This time his intention was to enter every home and search the couches and chairs. He struck gold at almost every stop.

The Jolly Roger Parked Outside a Treasure Hunt.

Today Colton has expanded his business to include searching car seats in parked cars at the Piggle Wiggly, Red Owl, and the Amazatorium Food Stores. He has exclusive rights to search under the bleachers at the ball park after each game. Several of Cloverdale’s churches gave him permission to search under the pews after worship services. Colton is generous with money he finds in churches and always gives the church the bigger cut.

Colton has big dreams and plans on franchising his business to Dibley in the Downs. He will be interviewing applicants this afternoon for the positions of Dibley Manager.