Sunday, October 23, 2016

Cloverdale's Mennonite School for Incorrigibles. Discipline, Prayer, and the Iron Rod.

Three boys from the Mennonite School for Incorrigibles, ten miles outside of Cloverdale 

    The Mennonite School for Incorrigibles, ten miles outside of Cloverdale is a special school for boys that seem to have lost their senses.
     “These gentile boys with their automobile driving parents and godless schools have turned toward the world and taken on the habits of cursing, ill temperament, disrespect for their elders, and loose fingers. Our school is known for working the devil out and praying God in,” said Elder Samuel, headmaster of the school. "Not to mention a strong use of the iron rod."  
     The boys, while not being of the Mennonite persuasion themselves, were sent to the school for various reasons known only to their parents, their local schools, and the county court. The school's success rate is well known. The boys are strongly motivated to correct their ways so they can return to their modern ways, not to mention not having to wear the school's uniform and hat.  

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Albert Spinner Prepares for Halloween

     Young Albert Spinner is the son of Cloverdale's Jewish Cantor, Moses Spinner.  The Spinners live on Clover Lane.
     Albert loves Halloween.
     "Halloween's almost here," Albert said to village Constable Willard after school last Monday.  Albert was hiding under a row of shrubs owned by 82 year old Selma Thorn.  Selma thought she heard something outside her front window during her afternoon nap.  She struggled to her feet, paused to let the dizziness pass, then waddled to the window for a good examination.  A moment later she was on the phone to the village Constabulary.
     "Something ungodly is thrashing about in my front shrubs,"  Selma was easily excited, and knowing of her heart condition, the constable thought it best to make a visit sooner rather than later.

Selma Thorn suffers from a heart condition.
The Constabulary is on her speed dial

     Ten minutes later Constable Willard arrived by bicycle.  Selma intercepted him on her front porch.  "Whatever it is, it's over there." She pointed toward the street where a row of waist high shrubs marked the boundary between her front lawn and the sidewalk.  Something black with bits of silver could be seen crouched under several branches of yellow, red and orange. The Constable suggested she go in and make herself a cup of tea to calm her nerves while he dealt with the matter.  He stepped down from the porch, paused for a quick think, then walked toward a pair of frightened eyes peering out at him from under the shrub.  
     "Albert, come on out from under there."  The constable recognized Albert from the costume he was wearing.  He'd seen it on a previous call the night before.  Albert was out well past his bedtime, wandering about his next door neighbor's back garden - flashing his scissor hands.  The neighbor mistook them for knives and called the police.
     Albert struggled to crawl out from under the shrub, a task made more difficult because of the scissors tied to his fingers.
     "What did I tell you yesterday?" Constable Willard was wearing his exaggerated unhappy face, used for the village's youthful offenders.
     "Not to wear my costume outside until Halloween," Albert mumbled.
     "Why did I tell you that?"
     "Because it scares people."
     "That's right, because it scares people."  The Constable was prepared to go into a lengthy explanation but was interrupted by Albert.
     "But its suppose to scare people. It's Halloween!"  Albert thought his logic was sound.
     "It's not Halloween yet." Constable Willard took Albert by his left scissorhand.  Together they walked toward the sidewalk and the Constable's bicycle.  "Let's get you home before you frightened another old lady."
     "I was only being nice," Albert explained.  "She needed those shrubs cut and I wasn't going to charge her a nickel to do it."  The Constable ignored him.  
     Summoned by Selma and her speed dial, the neighbors were out on their front lawns and porches watching Constable Willard take Albert away. It made for a nice distraction on what would normally be a boring October afternoon.
     Albert was happy for the attention. It gave him a chance to show off his costume. Constable Willard was ready for his shift to end.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Johnny Crump's New Therapy.

Johnny Crump struggles with simple things like appropriate language. His teachers have tried numerous behavioral therapies suggested by the school's psychologist and lunchroom manager, Nancy Plum. None of which have worked, leaving the school's staff with two choices, suspension or a transfer to Cloverdale's School for the Behaviorally Handicapped. Faced with those options, Mrs. Crump suggested another solution, while unorthodox,  it has has proven successful.  Johnny seems happier along with his fellow students because they don't have to spend large parts of the school day with their ears covered.  Ms. Plum is writing a paper for the shire's education digest advocating the procedure for the most difficult to treat students.  

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Rose Puffdale and Community Decency


     Rose Puffdale is normally a woman who exemplifies modesty in all aspects of her life. She is a strong advocate for the return of the full length swimsuit for women and a supporter for strict uniform standards in Cloverdale's schools.
'Skin' is a four letter word in Rose's lexicon and the showing of skin is symptomatic of someone raised on a diet rich in red meat.  Rose considers herself the Pure in Puritan.    
     A picture of Rose Puffdale participating in Cloverdale's annual Winter Charity Olympics was published in the Cloverdale Times last January.  The humiliation of being photographed with her skirt flapping in the wind, regardless of the multiply layers of winter wear she had on under said skirt, left Rose with no other course of action than to sue the town newspaper for publishing indecent images.  The newspaper defended the publishing of the photo in question by stating the only thing indecent about the questionable photograph was the expression on Miss Puffdale's face.
     The final hearing on the matter will be heard by Cloverdale's Justice of the Peace next Tuesday with a ruling expected before then next Winter Charity Olympics.  Rose is hopeful of a victory; If not she has made plans to move to the quiet hamlet of Dibley on the Dale where few get the newspaper and even fewer know how to read.  

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Alice Tinker, Star of Annie Get Your Gun at the Clover Shell.

     Alice Tinker is the star of Annie Get Your Gun, currently playing at the Clover Shell, Cloverdale's outdoor theater. Annie Get Your Gun is in its 34th year at the Clover Shell, playing to locals and tourists alike as part of the Clover Shell's summer dramatic lineup.              Alice plays a thoroughly convincing Annie but finds some of the notes difficult to reach as her voice ages so it is best to sit closer to the stage. The Clover Shell urges you to come back and see the show again if you've seen it before. Alice regularly forgets her lines so the play is slightly different each night.