Saturday, March 6, 2010

Liza Eyestone Quits Youth in Movement After Fire.

Liza Eyestone woke up on March 2nd excited about the Little Miss Springtime Pagent sponsored by the Shire’s Youth in Movement Organization. Youth in Movement works with local communities to sponsor activities to motivate sedentary student to Move for Health. Liza was contestant number 7, her lucky number. During breakfast her mother Minerva asked her several questions that could come up in the pageant.
“What do you want to do when you grow up?” she asked while buttering a piece of nearly done toast.
Liza knew the answer she and her mother had practiced several times but purposely hesitated, as if giving it some thought.
“I want to be a teacher of the lost and misguided children residing in the Morning Glory Reform School for Encouragables. These poor children have lost their way. They need after school activities. They need to run and jump for mental and physical health because we all know the path to mental wellness starts with physical wellness. Research proves ......ah, hmmmm......” Liza forgot the rest but mumbled her way through. “In my spare time I want to work at the Nearly There Home for the Elderly and Infirmed helping the old people use physical exercise to extend their lives.”

Minerva held her hand to her mouth, overcome by emotion at her daughter’s display of over practiced sincerity. She pulled out another 3X5 card from her stack of questions. She read it silently, glanced up at her daughter over the edge of the card, cleared her throat and read it aloud.
“How can you make a difference in the world if you win this pageant?”
Again Liza thought carefully not to rush into an answer, thus giving the judges the feeling of over coaching.
“I can set an example of movement in life. I can use my position to preach against video games and television. Kids need to stop reading so much and get out and MOVE. I can organize students like myself to search out the overweight and miserable, the lonely and depressed and invite them to come out and ride bikes and jump rope and , and.... ahhhhh YOUTH IN MOVEMENT!” Liza shouted, losing her train of thought.
Liza emphasised her final point by slamming her fist on the kitchen table.
“Praise Jesus!” Minerva shouted with both hands held overhead.

They were ready. They gathered their things and drove away from 98 Preston Drive with the knowledge that with the Lord’s help, Victory would be theirs.


Liza lost the pageant, taking 10th place out of ten contestants. Her defeat was self inflicted. Liza was new to the motion movement and hadn’t practiced her baton the way she should have. Her arms grew weak causing her to lose her focus. Her baton went out of control during her final throw, crashing into the overhead spotlights. Three of the lights exploded, raining sparks and shards of glass onto the stage and judges below. Mrs. Mathey McMartin Lewis’ heavily lacquered hair caught fire. She toppled out of her head judge’s chair. Shrieks and screams escaped from the throats of the audience. Liza ran off the stage and hid in a stall in the girl’s restroom.

Liza’s mother found her, comforted her and assured her that accidents happen. They left the auditorium, pausing only long enough for a picture from the Confederacy Times.
Liza has informed her mother that she’s giving up Youth in Movement. Her books were more her lifestyle, and of course her texting.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

A Message from the Confederacy's Ministry of Health and Asylums

Warning. Spending too much time on the internet may cause serious psychological damage. Other studies performed at Cloverdale Community College may indicate severe psychosis, textured by a lack of physical movement, can also result from hours spent locked away in a basement while wired to the net.

This groundbreaking study may also suggest an increase in cavities from lack of proper oral hygiene resulting from an internet diet rich in chips and soda. The third section of the report points to a disturbing increase in body order from extraordinary time spent on the internet. It appears, according to this study, that those addicted to the net spend less time on personal care. This forms a dangerous self fulfilling cycle. Lack of social interaction leads to a decline in the use of soap and water which leads to body and mouth orders which lead to further social isolation which leads to more time spent on the internet which leads to more of a decline in the use of soap and water etc.

Your Government Ministry of Health and Asylums urges you to turn off your computer, take a shower using soap, wash your clothes and emerge from your basements into the sunshine.

This ad is another example of your Tax Dollars at Work.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Benny Brewster, Cloverdale's Weekend Star.

Benny Brewster of 14 Wilburdale Circle, Cloverdale felt like a celebraty during last weekend’s grand opening of Pixar’s newest movie Up at the Grand Theater in Cloverdale’s beautiful village centre. Benny was the most popular person in town that weekend because of his resemblance to Russell, the young animated character in the story. Benny's rise to weekend stardom started when Benny saw Up for the first time while visiting his grandparents in the Other World.

Before the movie started, Benny’s grandparents commented on Benny’s resemblance to the young boy Russell. At first Benny ignored their comments. He was more interested in his popcorn, Red Vines and Coke. But when Russell made his film appearance on Carl’s door, Benny stopped eating and looked at the 3D Wilderness Scout his grandparents said he looked so much alike. He thought for a moment then decided they were right; he really looked like Russell. Suddenly he had a brilliant idea. He would become Russell when Up came to Cloverdale. It was his ticket to Shire Celebritydom.

Benny waited month after month for news of Up’s arrival in the Confederacy. Then one day three weeks ago, Benny saw the one thing he’d been waiting so long for. As he walked by the Grand Theater on his way to school, Benny saw the movie poster for Up in the lobby window. It was finally coming to Cloverdale! He ran home to tell his parents.

Benny and his mother spent the next several days looking at the movie poster. They took pictures of Russell so they could find the right clothing most resembling a Wilderness Scout. Their preparation paid off two days before opening night. Benny and his parents paid the Theater Manager a visit. Benny was dressed as Russell when they arrived for their scheduled appointment. The manager opened his office door. Benny stood in the doorway with his hand outstretched. 

“I’ll be darn. You look just like the kid in our upcoming movie,” he exclaimed.
“That’s what I want to talk to you about,” Benny replied.

Thirty minutes later the family left the Theater with a contract in hand. Benny would be on hand the entire weekend in the Theater Lobby greeting the movie goers and signing autographs. In return for his services, Benny and his family received 8 movie passes with a gift card for popcorn, candy and drinks.

Benny was a celebrity for one weekend. He was the village's darling son. He was photographed with nearly every kid in his school and his cheeks were pinched by every grandmother. His teacher gave him an A for drama, excusing him from the play the class was rehearsing on the four food groups.

Benny’s life has returned to normal since Up's opening weekend, but the memory of stardom hasn’t diminished. If asked, Benny will admit he's changed what he wants to be when he grows up. Instead of being a fireman, Benny is planning on a career in 3D acting.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

The New Coin in Squeaker's Collection.

Squeaker Waits for the Coastal Express

Squeaker Whittier has a good life at 45 Bright Ends Close in Cloverdale. He’s extra happy today because he has, in his pocket, a bright shiny nickel. He emptied the trash and swept the kitchen to earn it. His mother wanted to pay a penny but Squeaker convinced her his work was worth more than that. Besides, he already had several pennies in his coin collection. So many in fact, his friends were loosing interest in seeing his collection when they came over to play video games.

Squeaker hurried through the sweeping, not taking care to sweep under the table. Something his mother caught onto soon enough when she walked in to inspect. She ordered another sweeping. Squeaker bargained for another nickel for an extra good job. She countered with the offer of a penny for the job he’d already done. She said a penny was all it was worth to her. Squeaker agreed on the nickel and took his time to be sure he got everything off the floor, including the cheerios newly spilled onto the floor from the cereal box. While he was bargaining with his mother, his little brother went into the kitchen and stuck his hand deep into the cereal box searching for the advertised prize waiting in every specially marked box. Squeaker squealed on his brother. His brother got a swat on the behind, making cleaning his mess worth it.

At half passed eleven Squeaker’s mom gave the all clear. She reached into her purse and took out a shiny new nickel.
“I’m guessing this is for your collection,” she asked. She hated giving Squeaker money for his special coin collection. She thought it such a waste but he’d earned it and therefore he should make the decision what to do with his own pocket money.

Squeaker snatched the money from her hand, grabbed his coat and rushed outside into the winter morning. He ran out of Bright End’s Close onto Station Street. He ran past a few neighbors always remember to say “Good Morning,” as he'd been taught.

He stopped at Bobby’s house and rang the bell. Bobby’s mother answered.
“Can Bobby come out to play?” Squeaker asked. Bobby’s mother was always cautious about Squeaker. She knew how much he loved playing around the train tracks and that worried her.
“Are you going to the tracks?” she asked. “And don’t you lie to me Squeaker Whittier or I’ll be calling your mom.”
“Yes ma’am,” Squeaker responded.
“Then the answer is no. Bobby cannot go to the tracks. They’re too dangerous. Stop by and pick him up on your way home if you want.” She started shutting the door then stopped. “By the way, Thanks for telling me the truth. You’re a good boy Squeaker.”

Squeaker jumped from the top step onto the frozen lawn below. Yes he was a good boy. His mother always taught him to be a good boy. Squeaker knew it was dangerous to play near the train tracks but he didn't considering coin altering playing. It was work to Squeaker, fun work because he considered himself a serious collector. Squeaker and his mother went to the tracks together several times when he first started collecting. She taught him how to be safe. She told him she trusted him to follow her rules. Squeaker always did.

Squeaker got to the train tracks at noon, just a few minutes before the Coastal Express left the station for Dibley on the Downs and Tamworth on Tide. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the bright shiny nickel. He searched the tracks for the perfect spot. The train’s whistle sounded from the station nearby. Squeaker put the nickel on the tracks and ran off to the old shed near the road. The train approached. Squeaker waved at the engineer. He waived back.
“How are you today Squeaker?” the engineer shouted over the engine. He pointed down to the track ahead. Squeaker gave him the thumbs up. The engineer returned the gesture and the train rolled ahead right over the nickel. Squeaker jumped up and down in excitement. He couldn’t wait to see this new addition.

Squeaker was as happy as punch. The nickel flattened perfectly. You could see just enough of the face making it very valuable indeed. Squeaker admired it as he walked home. He polished it over and over on his jacket. He stopped to pick up Bobby then the two of them spent the rest of the day playing video games and arranging and rearranging his coin collection.

Cloverdale Weekend Television. Songs of Praise. The Salvation Army Brightens your Sunday Morning