Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Rose Puffdale and Community Decency


     Rose Puffdale is normally a woman who exemplifies modesty in all aspects of her life. She is a strong advocate for the return of the full length swimsuit for women and a supporter for strict uniform standards in Cloverdale's schools.
'Skin' is a four letter word in Rose's lexicon and the showing of skin is symptomatic of someone raised on a diet rich in red meat.  Rose considers herself the Pure in Puritan.    
     A picture of Rose Puffdale participating in Cloverdale's annual Winter Charity Olympics was published in the Cloverdale Times last January.  The humiliation of being photographed with her skirt flapping in the wind, regardless of the multiply layers of winter wear she had on under said skirt, left Rose with no other course of action than to sue the town newspaper for publishing indecent images.  The newspaper defended the publishing of the photo in question by stating the only thing indecent about the questionable photograph was the expression on Miss Puffdale's face.
     The final hearing on the matter will be heard by Cloverdale's Justice of the Peace next Tuesday with a ruling expected before then next Winter Charity Olympics.  Rose is hopeful of a victory; If not she has made plans to move to the quiet hamlet of Dibley on the Dale where few get the newspaper and even fewer know how to read.  

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Alice Tinker, Star of Annie Get Your Gun at the Clover Shell.

     Alice Tinker is the star of Annie Get Your Gun, currently playing at the Clover Shell, Cloverdale's outdoor theater. Annie Get Your Gun is in its 34th year at the Clover Shell, playing to locals and tourists alike as part of the Clover Shell's summer dramatic lineup.              Alice plays a thoroughly convincing Annie but finds some of the notes difficult to reach as her voice ages so it is best to sit closer to the stage. The Clover Shell urges you to come back and see the show again if you've seen it before. Alice regularly forgets her lines so the play is slightly different each night.  

Friday, June 6, 2014

Dylan Wood named Student of the Day at Cloverdale's School for the Behaviorally Challenged.

     Dylan Wood, a ward of the state, was recently named Student of the Day at Cloverdale's  School for the Behaviorally Challenged. His selection for this honor was partially based on his outstanding essay, "Screw Greenhouse Gases".  A second reason for this honor was explained by the school's headmaster during the award's announcement over the school's PA system right before today's dismissal. "Dylan made it to the end of the day without overturning one single desk.  It only took 176 days of school and therapy, but he did it.
Congratulations Dylan". 

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Sister Mary Edna Turns 100.

     Sister Edna Mary of the Sisters of Eternal Hope is celebrating her 100th birthday. She is a character isn't she? She ignores Cloverdale's ban on nursing home smoking, not to mention the always forbidden policy regulating the lighting of matches near oxygen bottles. 
     "It'll be a cold day in hell before they get my smokes!" she was heard shouting at the street sweepers yesterday as they swept the street in front of the Nearly There Home for the Elderly and Confused. They are not bothered by Sister Edna Mary's rants and take no notice.
     The nurses at the home tried to convince Sister Edna Mary to switch to the new smokeless, water vapor electronic cigarettes. She couldn't get it into her head that lighting them wasn't an option.     
     Don't stare at her cigarettes If you visit Sister Edna. It makes her uneasy.  She'll think you're there to take them away. 
     "You'll have to pry them from my cold dead fingers!" She'll shout as she makes a run for the door.  

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Abner Applegate

For the last forty-five years, Abner Applegate has reported on the village's downtown happenings for the shire's only newspaper, The Cloverdale Times.

Abner monitors the community's pulse from his favorite bench outside the village's Piggly Wiggly.  The bench sits next to the coin operated rocket ride and opposite the atomic gumball machine.  
"There isn't much that gets by old Abner," the store's manager was heard saying just the other day.

Abner appreciates news tips and leads.  He asks that they be written and deposited in the open satchel he keeps next to him on the bench. Please be mindful and don't wake him - if at all possible.  

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Lucy Mayberry

     Lucy Mayberry is President of the Daughters of the Confederacy and the Chairwoman of the Spruce Street Neighborhood Watch Committee. What a good job she does! She sits on her porch day and night watching everyone and everything. "Nothing Gets by Lucy," is a phrase heard over and over again from Lucy's neighbors.
     She is also know for her delicious Twice Baked Brownies.
     Lucy is considering a run for the village school board and would appreciate any and all donations to her candidacy.
     "I'm running against Titus Miller, and you know what kind of money that man has stashed away," Lucy said at a gathering of her supporters in her front parlor Tuesday last.  Her Twice Baked Brownies were the main attraction, her politicking was secondary.  She was fortunate enough to raise enough cash to fund a  few hundred flyers to be distributed at the village tulip festival next week.
     Lucy is looking for someone familiar with the internet to help her get a Facebook.  She'd like to get lots of 'likes', although she is the first to confess she hasn't a clue what a 'like' is.       Be sure to stop by Lucy's booth at the tulip festival, sample a Twice Baked Brownie, and drop a few coins in the "Lucy for School Board" can.