Saturday, November 21, 2009

Madam Voyant Will Read Your Fortune

If its Saturday then Madam Voyant can be found in her converted gypsy caravan, ready to read your future and warn of impending disaster and secret admirers. Her thriving palmist business can be found beside the Willard’s Farm Shop in the parking lot of Cloverdale’s Farm Bureau.

Madam pulls into Cloverdale promptly at 7:30 A.M. every Saturday morning. She tows her caravan using her neighbor’s tractor. In return for the tractor’s use, her neighbor receives one free reading per month. He is a Christian man and doesn’t put a lot of stock into a having his fortune read. His pastor says it dabbling with the devil. It may be, but he’s done well in the stock market because of Madam’s tips. In fact, he’s done so well he’s increased his weekly tithes to the church from 0.7% to 1%. He feels the Lord will be forgiving if he shares his modest winnings.

Madam Voyant is a celebrity at the Nearly There Rest Home for the Elderly and Insane. The rest home’s mini van makes several round trips between the home and the caravan every Saturday bringing scores of elderly clients anxious to discover what their last years will bring. Some wonder if their monthly pension checks should be spent on groceries, medicine or booze. Grocery’s and medicine if her visions blesses them with time. Booze if her visions are dark.

“Bless those old buzzards,” Madam says as he last van drives out of the parking lot.

Madam Voyant’s business increased with the release of the new American movie 2012. The movie feeds off the worldwide paranoia of the uneducated and misinformed concerning the apocalypse. It seems the Mayan calendar ends in December 2012. And if the Mayans say time will end in 2012 then it must be so. Consider the other great contributions the Mayans made to the world. There is the........ well. How about the ......... Drats, at least they were experts at human sacrifices.

Madam Voyant did a public reading on the subject at Cloverdale Middle School six months ago. During the midnight service she gazed into a bowl of water to divine the creation of the Mayan calendar. During the session, and to the audiences amazement, she saw the ancient Mayan who carved the calendar. At exactly 12:14 A.M. she stood and held her hands high over head. She filled the silent hall with laughter.
“The calendar ends in December 2012 because the carver ran out of stone!” she explained. The audience of 300 stood and applauded. Her reading made national news.

Of course, there are those that still believe the end is upon us. This poor misguided group visit Madam religiously. Some wonder if they should continue their education, considering the end is so close. Others seek love, hoping not to face humanity’s final chapter alone in their living rooms with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a hand full of sleeping pills.

There is another group of clients that seek Madam’s advice on finances. They are worried about the current state of affairs. They worry about the American dollar and hyper inflation. Her opinions regarding gold investments are sought in every reading. The general feeling in the Confederacy is that the American dollar will soon be worthless. Hyper inflation will follow, resulting in chaos. Some may face the choice of Starvation or selling one’s children to buy food.

Madam Voyant does her best to calm their fears and insists there is nothing in her deck of cards that foretells such financial doom. Some wonder if she really believes what she says. They say they have evidence that Madam Voyant is on the American Government’s payroll. She is paid to bring stability to the world’s financial markets - at least in the Cloverdale region. When asked to produce evidence, this shadowy group refuse - saying, “All in good time. All in good time.”

Madam Voyant is an institution in Cloverdale and a legend in the psychic community. She is open most Saturdays from 9;00 A.M. to 5:00 P.M. She asks you come with a full purse, open mind and clean hands.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Samantha Torse Models for Donaldson's Department Store.

Samantha Torse was selected by Cloverdale's Donaldson's Department Story to model the finest in children's winter fashion. Donaldsons advertised the job opening in the Confederacy Times two Sunday's ago. At 5:00 A.M. the following Monday, thirty four mothers were lined up with their children at the department store's staff entrance. Mrs. Torse, a former child model herself for the Salvation Army Thrift Stores, was first in line - determined to secure a modeling position for her daughter.

Samantha was snatched from a deep slumber at 4:00 A.M. so she could be scrubbed clean, made up, dressed to the nines, wrapped in plastic wrap and rushed to the store to be first in line. Once inside, the girls were interviewed in alphabetical order. That gave Samantha's mother time to survey the competition. Half way through the line Mrs. Torse realized that her attempt to make her daughter glamorous might not be what the store wanted. The girls coming out of the interview were all made up to look older. Some were seriously over painted, a common mistake made by new modeling mothers. Those poor girls looked like they drank heavily, chained smoked and spent most evenings down at the docks waiting for the sailors to come into port.

Mrs. Torse thought long and hard while she polished her daughter's teeth with Vaseline. She stood and walked over to the advertising poster to carefully reread what it said. It stated that Donaldson's was looking for a young girl to model their children's winter fashions. Mrs. Torse reread the words 'young girl'. She rushed back to Samantha, took out her WetWipes and started removing layer after layer of make up. A few moments later Samantha was called in. Ten minutes after that mother and daughter walked out with the job. The 'no make up look' was just what they were looking for.

In the picture above Samantha is wearing a beautiful woolen coat from the department store's Dr. Zhivago Line of children's outer wear. The picture was taken near Victory Fountain in Capital City. Mrs. Torse couldn't be more proud of her daughter. This displaced pride motivated her to search the attic for her old Salvation Army modeling pictures. She found them in the box labeled 'junk'. They now hang throughout the Torse home.

The Torses are so proud. What started as Mrs. Torse's humble photo shoot using a donated instamatic camera for the local Salvation Army Thrift Store turned into the daughter's professional shoot for Donaldson's Department Store using a digital camera with multiple flashes and lenses. All in one generation.

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Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Alexander Runs for Student Body President on the Republican Ticket.

This Picture hangs in the School's foyer and Lunchroom. It announces the Candidacy of
Alexander Mulligan Lords for Student Body President.

Alexander Mulligan Lords announced his candidacy for Confederacy Elementary School’s Student Body President for school year 2009-2010. He is a sixth grade honor student in Ms. Abigail Martin’s class and Chairman of the school's Young Republicans Club. His announcement was made yesterday during morning recess. In his speech, Alexander spoke on the theme of Change. Several times during his two minute speech he used the catch phrase of the American President Barrack Obama “Yes We Can!” The chant was quickly picked up by his audience of 19 fifth and sixth graders. Mysteriously there were few boys in the gathering. Most of the boys were found on the school’s lawn playing soccer and flag football.

“Yes We Can take back our school from an administration that doesn’t care about us kids,” Alexander was quoted as saying. “Yes We Can push for a four day school week with longer lunch time and extra recesses. Yes We Can put a cap on spending. Here we are spending a fortune on textbooks when the school governors could buy us all laptops. Think of the savings. Think of the paper saved. Think of the rain forests. Think of the little furry animals that run around in those forests.” The girls all clapped. A few standing closest to him screamed. It appeared Alexander had won over their minds, and more importantly, their hearts.

“He’s hot,” Emmileea Boones said when asked why she supported young Alexander’s quest for the presidency. All the girls in her circle near the tether ball court agreed.
“He’s the cutest boy in the whole school,” Kim Chun added. When asked if she understood what he stood for, she replied,”I just like looking at him. He sits opposite me during math. I’m failing because I can’t pay attention to Miss Blotchman. How can I concentration on math with him right in front of me?” Again, the girls in this unorganized Alexander Mulligan Lord’s Fan Club agreed that it would be impossible for them to focus on school if he sat beside them.

I was able to arrange a one on one interview with Alexander through his press secretary, sixth grader Daintha Pipplewhite. It cost me a sheet of unicorn stickers as a bribe. It seems bribery and education go hand in hand at Confederacy Elementary. Many of these children work hard in school only for the increase in allowance the Headmistress recommends to the parents. She believes schools should mimic the real world. She reasons that if adults get paid to go to work then children should be paid to go to school.
“To the workers go the spoils,” she says every morning during announcements.

“What do you think about the controversy regarding pay for grades at Confederacy Elementary,” I asked Mr. Lords during my interview during lunch. It was hard to hear his answer because of the ever present noise of a school lunch room.
He put his corndog down and thought for a moment. Then he pulled out an ipod touch from his jacket pocket.
“I bought this because of my straight A’s,” he said. “Now, take away the money and I take away my interest. Money talks in this world and bullcrap walks.”

A sixth grade boy sitting next to him corrected him, saying the world wasn’t bullcrap but bull...... I won’t include the word because it could offend our gentle readers. I’ll just say I was shocked to hear it come from the lips of the Lutheran pastor’s son.
“You see, education is all mixed up,” Alexander continued. “I just want to make money. Show me what I need to do to make money and I’ll do it. You can keep your social studies and math and english and everything else.”
“Except PE and recess,” Freckled face Tubby Moresby chimed in. Of course it brought a full round of laughter from the table. One boy laughed so hard milk poured out of his nose. That brought another hard fit of laughter. It got so bad the custodian shut off the cafeteria lights to try to regain discipline. it was useless. Things were spiraling out of control.

“Quiet!” came a strong shout from the dark. The room fell silent. The lights came back on. Alexander stood on the table before me staring at the other students. I was amazed at the power he seemed to have over the children.

“They really listen to you,” I said after he sat back down to continue eating his red jello crowned with artificial whipped cream.
“I’ve got ‘em. Kids don’t like to think. They’re naturally stupid. They follow me because they want me to become their friend and friends become more important than parents as kids get older. This gives me more power than their parents. Scary isn’t it?” he said as he stood to take his leave for recess.

The second he stood up two fourth graders were at his side wanting to take and empty his tray. He thanked them and produced a Tootsie Roll for each from his pocket. He went to the outside door and waited. He whistled, The migration started. Nearly one fourth of the children (mostly girls) in the cafeteria stood to leave, some had just sat down to eat their lunch. I noticed most of them wore a badge made of red construction paper pinned to their shirts. The badge said “Yes We Can” followed by a picture of a broken chain drawn by crayon.

Alexander smiled as he exited the lunchroom for his appointments outdoors. His campaign manager arranged for a tour of the playground with stops at the Big Toy to take questions and hand out Tootsie Rolls to the kindergartners through third graders. Another stop was organized on the north lawn. His schedule called for seven minutes of flag football with the other sixth grade boys. Recent polls taken by the sixth grade advanced math class indicated Alexander was slipping in his support from the average sixth grade boy. A few minutes with the boys should reestablished his athletic reputation (he was the quarterback on the Confederacy Hawks Flag Football Team). Once his position as the Alpha Male was back in place, Alexander could spend the rest of the recess in talks with the playground monitors arranging for a couple extra minutes of recess.

Alexander seems ready to take the helm at Confederacy Elementary. The teachers seem oblivious to this rising challenge to their authority. They paid no notice to his call for lay offs and the savings diverted to the Pay for Grades Scheme for the kids. The teachers see him as a harmless fly they wave away if his path comes too close. Alexander is fine with that. His campaign strategy expects apathy - until of course its too late and he is elected. Only then will they experience the full force of Cloverdale’s Alexander Mulligan Lords.

Confederacy Times. Your Daily Funny

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Monday, November 16, 2009

Dinner with the Franz Jordans

Dinner at the Franz Jordans of 45 Wilma Avenue, Cloverdale is something never to be missed. They are a couple that love to have fun with their food as evident in this picture taken at a dinner party for the couple’s special friends last Tuesday.

During the day Samantha Jordan is the librarian at Confederacy Elementary in Cloverdale. Franz is a butcher at the Red Owl Grocery Store. They met each other three years ago at a Wizard of Oz convention in Capital City. Samantha was dressed like Auntie Em. Franz as the Cowardly Lion. They both were invited to moderate a special panel discussion on the influence of The Wizard of Oz to the world created by JK Rowling. They claim it was love at first site.

Friends, I give you the Franz Jordans. It’s people like this that make Cloverdale such a special and happy place.

Cloverdale's Confederacy Time's Funnies Section

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Tina's Wild Ride

The Martin Family of 231 Cottonthorn Way, Cloverdale celebrated Tina Martin’s 10th birthday last night. After enjoying birthday cake and ice cream Mr. Martin loaded the PVan with the party goers (Tina and her best friend Julie along with Tina’s younger brother and sister) and set out to entertain. Money was tight so Mr. Martin knew whatever they did had to be cheap.

He spent most of the day pondering the problem. Finally, one hour before the party began Mr. Martin stumbled upon an idea. while driving to the Piggly Wiggly to pick up ice cream and cones. Mr. Martin works as a pot hole technician for the Shire Road Works. He knows where the biggest and deepest pot holes are located. On his way to the Piggly Wiggly Mr. Martin hit one of the pot holes. He wasn’t wearing his seat belt. The impact sent him out of his seat causing his head and the roof of the car to come into direct contact. The party idea came to him at that moment.

After the refreshments Mr. Martin stood to announce the next part of the birthday party. He told them they were going on a roller coaster ride around the Shire. Of course all three jumped up and down with excitement. Little Mertle Martin was too young to understand. She sat in her high chair and chewed on her left big toe.

For the next hour Tina Martin with her friend and family enjoyed the best party ever. They experienced the worst pot holes the Shire could produce (and at this time of year there were plenty to go around). They were thrown about the interior of the Van like popcorn on a hot kettle. Not one injury to report except for little Sam’s swollen lip.

Finally, after saving the best pothole (which was three inches short of being labeled a sink hole) for last, the party started for home. Mr. Martin noticed the PVan was acting strangely but he paid it no heed. It was an old van and had seen worse in its day. He was just happy to be called the best daddy in the whole world by his precious little 10 year old Tina. It was a birthday she’d never forget.

Cloverdale Weekend Televison. Songs of Praise. Holiday Celebrations

The Vienna Boys Choir singing Maria Wanders Through the Thorn

Maria walks amid the thorn,
Which for seven years no leaf hath born
She walks amid the wood of thorn
Jesus and Maria.

What ‘neath her heart does Mary bear?
A little child doth Mary bear
Beneath her heart he nestles there.
Jesus and Maria.

And as the two are passing near
Lo! Roses on the thorns appear!
Jesus and Maria.