Sunday, June 6, 2010

Mary Gold Whiffle, Cloverdale's Brilliant Delinquent Mind

Last night little Mary Gold Whiffle was caught stealing flowers from the Desmond’s back yard at 24 Elm in Cloverdale.

“I didn’t steal any flowers,” Mary Gold said while being questioned in the Police Station's interrogation room.

“That’s because you were caught before you could!” the Constable interrupted. Mary Gold’s face turned sour. She wiped away the newly formed tears from the corner of each eye and stared coldly at the officer.

“Took ya long enough to catch me,” she said without blinking an eye. “I thought I’d get away with it all summer long. Aw well, ya win some and ya lose some.”

“Matt Desmond put the fear into you with his gun didn’t he?” The Constable said as he sat back in his chair and looked through the window to see if Mary Gold’s parents had arrived.

“I wasn’t expecting a gun. I suppose it wasn’t loaded?” she asked.
“No, it wasn’t. You could have gotten away with it again. Lets see, how many flower patches have you plundered this year alone?”

“As I said before. Ya win some and ya lose some.” Mary Gold reached into her little unicorn purse and took out a piece of Double Bubble Chewing Gum. “You don’t mind if I chew do you Chief?”

“Knock yourself out,” the officer responded. Mary unwrapped the gum, put it into her mouth and tossed the wrapper into the trash on the opposite side of the room.

“One question Mary Gold,” the officer asked after an uncomfortably long pause of watching her chew her gum.
“Shoot,” Mary Gold answered while attempting to blow a bubble.
“Ah, now that’s the question isn’t it?” Mary thought for a moment as she studied the Constable’s face. He thought she was looking for someone that would appreciate the workings of her criminal juvenile mind.
“Why did I steal flowers from the best homes in the village? Well here it is. I have this side business going at school. I act the part of little miss perfect. You know the kind, always laughing at the teacher’s jokes, always saying please and thank you, always helping the teacher whenever possible, always getting the highest marks and ALWAYS bringing FLOWERS to the teachers and Head Mistress.”

“Teacher’s Pet?” the Constable said to shorten the length of the tale.

“Got it in one,” Mary Gold responded. “Now the real bad kids in school need someone like me who sleeps in both camps, using a figure of speech here I hope you will appreciate,” she said looking for some form of acknowledgement from the Constable. She got none, and continued. “So, for a certain amount of money and a whole lot of attention from the ‘bad boys‘ I vouch for them whenever they got into trouble.”

“And how do you do that?” the Constable asked.

“Well, lets say that Tommy Miller wanted to kick the chair out from under Toby Mackey because Toby leans back all the time and sits right in front of Tommy. Tommy tells me ahead of time so I’m ready when the time comes. Toby leans back, Tommy leans forward from his desk and kicks out the chair. Toby hits the ground and starts to cry. The teacher blames Tommy because everyone knows Tommy is a bully.”

“And you step up and tell the teacher that it was an accident and Tommy had nothing to do with it,” the Constable said moving the story along.

“And again you got it in one,” Mary Gold proudly replied. “Tommy is off the hook and I get a couple bucks for my effort.”
Mary motioned the Officer to bring his head closer to hers. She leaned forward and whispered, “It keeps me in gum. I’ve got a nasty habit. I’m my dentist’s best customer.” Mary Gold laughed while unwrapping another stick of Double Bubble.

“Ah, your parent’s have finally arrived. I’ll want you to tell them exactly what you told me,” the Constable said while standing.

“No, I told you and no one else. My parents will get another story. The sad story of a little girl who loved her mother and wanted to give her flowers and couldn't resist the temptation.”

“But that isn’t the truth Mary Gold.”

“The truth is what I say it is. Who’s not going to believe me? I’m Mary Gold Whiffle.”

“You’ve been stealing flowers from one end of the village to the other," the Constable warned. "One day you’ll be caught again Mary Gold and then your perfect world will come crashing down. Now get up and let’s meet your parents at the front desk.”

Mary Gold stood up, took the gum from her mouth and stuck it under the desk in the interrogation room. She stopped at the door for a moment to partly blow her nose to produce drainage. This would give her mother something to wipe away with her handkerchief and thus producing sympathy. Mary Gold squinted forcefully in a struggle to produce a few tears, all to complete the charade.

Mary Gold was going home, after a "Feel Better Stop" and the Moss Wonderland Bakery.