Friday, January 1, 2010

Cloverdale's Kitty Alert Program

All that's left of the Widow Marcell's pedigreed Siamese Cat, the Empress Chow. The "Kitty Alert" failed to find her.
She'll appear in the next thaw for proper burial.

Hello Friends,
A quick read of the posted weather shows another winter storm developing over the Sea of Sorrows. There will be snow and more snow. I really don't worry too much about the resilient folks of Cloverdale. Vasts amounts of snow usually don't stop us. When you live in a small village everything is close by. If you need a dozen eggs, the Piggly Wiggly is a few blocks away. If you want to go to a movie, the Grand Theater is again, only a few blocks away. If you're really depressed because of the ice and cold, the Moss Wonderland Bakery is, once again , only a few blocks away. A walk through the deep snow is quickly rewarded with a cup of hot, milky chocolate and a warm sticky bun.

The one problem we have in Cloverdale, resulting from deep and never ending snow, is lost pets. Villagers will let sweet Petunia or grumpy Bowser outside to do their business and forget all about them. Sometimes they get lost in the knee deep stuff, and when they do, the Constable is called to activate the village's "Kitty Alert".

Cloverdale has a special program for lost pets called "Kitty Alert". The police station activates the program when you call in a lost pet . A text message goes out to every cell phone in the village telling us to be on the lookout for the lost pet. Just last week a call went out when the Widow Marcell's pedigreed Siamese Cat, the Empress Chow, disappeared in deep snow while in the back garden being a good girl. That alert brought out the villagers because a reward was offered. You know there's a reward if a couple dollar signs appear in the text of the alert.

The alert is also broadcast to Cloverdale Weekend Television. Right in the middle of your favorite program a "Kitty Alert"message scrolls across the bottom of your screen. Just last night I was caught up in a good episode of Gunsmoke. Right in the middle of a nasty gunfight between Marshall Dillon and a desperate bank robber a "Kitty Alert" scrolled across the bottom of the screen telling me that the Wilburs of Cottonwood Avenue were looking for Flipper, their Parakeet. I don't think that particular alert bought many villagers out of their homes on a cold New Year's Eve to look for a yellow parakeet. Chances are it was dead a few minutes after fluttering out into the bone chilling evening.

I urge Cloverdale's pet owners to be mindful of their animals during our blanketing storms. Don't toss them out into it with no regard for the comfort of your fellow citizens that don't want to be disturbed with an annoying text message on their phone and a frustrating scroll across the bottom of their teles.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

The Office of Propaganda and Intelligence Covers the War.

Thanks to government stimulus spending, or perhaps a mistake in the budgetary process, enough money has been raised to create a new online news outlet called The Confederacy Defense Review. The Review will be published by the Confederacy Defense Force's Office of Propaganda and Intelligence. The department has enough money to hire five intrepid reporters to cover the Confederacy's moral support and limited involvement in the current wars and other military operations around the world of interest to our readers and viewers. These reporters, all former soldiers (and until recently, unemployed), have been sent to cover military operations in Europe, Africa, the Middle East and Afghanistan. They will also cover the Pentagon in Washington DC.

Our First Report, Filed by Mickey Splunker

Confederacy Military Transport Scatters the Locals, Apologies are forthcoming.

Our first report comes from eastern Africa, where Mickey Splunker recently arrived to cover the growing threat of the Ju-ju weed drug warlord clans. The attached photo was taken by American Embassy personnel as Mickey's plane arrived on the dusty runway at JangaMara, scattering the local welcoming committee. While all the civilians were miraculously unharmed, a military mule inadvertently collided with the aircraft, suffering mortal wounds.

At the impromptu barbecue that afternoon, Mickey was given a briefing and sent out to begin his work covering the warlord battles among the poor people near JangaMara. We hope to soon hear from Mickey and other reporters as they begin this important journalistic crusade to bring our citizens the news, the whole news and nothing but the news.

This Post Approved by

Mark Daymont
Permanent Secretary
Office of Propaganda and Intelligence

Monday, December 28, 2009

Cable and Clark Plunker Learn to Skateboard

Cable and Clark Plunker are identical twins. They live at 42 Blossom Lane, Cloverdale. The boys enjoy pizza, TV, video games and their new skateboards delivered by Santa on Christmas. The moment they finished opening gifts, eating breakfast, helping their mother clean up after breakfast and helping their dad put together the new TV cabinet, the boys grabbed their new skateboards and headed outside into the cold. The boys were new at skateboarding and suffered some pretty nasty spills the first few hours on the streets. They were yelled at several times for riding their skateboards on private property. The police chased them away from the Piggly Wiggly’s loading dock. The local Anglican Vicar threatened to call the constable if they didn’t leave church property.

It soon became apparent that skateboarders where a seriously neglected minority in Cloverdale. They had the skateboards and a real desire to learn the sport but had nowhere to practice. As a last resort they moved camp to Cloverdale’s Lake Park. It was Christmas Day and the park was empty. They found a few planks of wood near the Park’s Maintenance Shed and set to work building a few simple ramps. It wasn’t long before their few ramps turned into a complete obstacle course. They’d skate and fall and skate some more. One hour passed then two. Each hour saw another layer of mud and grim accumulate on their clothes and skin. By 3:00 P.M. the boys headed for home. Every car that passed slowed to look at the filthiest boys in Cloverdale. The twins just waved and smiled. The whites of their eyes and teeth shown brightly against the dark browns of the layered, caked mud.

They found their mother returning from the next door neighbors. She didn’t recognized them at first, and screamed when she did. She ordered them to the back yard. They stood on the lawn as she fetched the garden hose. The boys yelped, laughed and hugged each other for warmth as she sprayed them down in the 42 degree weather.

"Into the garage and strip," she ordered. The boys ran into the garage and striped down to their underwear. Mother put their mud crusted clothes in a garbage bag and took them to the wash room. They shivered in the cold and waited for her next orders.
“Into the house and shower,” Mother ordered after returning from putting the clothes in the washer.
“Mom, we’re in our underwear. You want us walking around outside naked for the neighbors to see?” Cable asked. "You could of brought us out something to wear."
“You weren't embarrased walking all the way home completely covered in mud, were you?" Mother said. " So off you go.” She was happy with herself. Perhaps this would teach them to be more considerate of her time. The two boys looked at each other, nodded and smiled.
“What's going on?” Mother questioned. She recognized their devious looks. The boys ran out of the open garage door and into the street. They ran down the street, running and jumping so everyone in the neighborhood would see them.

Mrs. Plunker shouted at them to “come back at once." They paid no attention. She stopped shouting a moment later, realizing her shouting was bringing the neighbors to the windows. The boys ran to the nearest intersection, rounded the stop sign and ran back, being sure to wave at every passing car on the road and face in the windows.

Mrs. Plunker’s anger turned to laughter as they got closer. She loved everything there was to love about her boys. She loved their energy, their enthusiasm, and their love for fun. They were her life and she adorned them.

The boys ran straight to her with hugs and kisses. They were wet but she didn’t care. The three walked into the house arm and arm. It was one of those Christmases they'd remember their entire lives.