Sunday, February 15, 2009

Colton Cranney: Crack Pirate

Colton prepares to separate you from your treasures.

Colton Cranny lives at 35 Vine Street and attends Cloverdale Middle School. He's not the best student but he does know one thing very well - cracks; furniture cracks to be exact. This is the place in chairs and sofas where the back and arm cushions come in contact with the back and bottom frame. These cracks are home to a variety of treasures which have fallen from people's pockets. You sit down and inevitably something travels from your pocket into the crack - swallowed and never to see the light of day. Until now.

One day Colton was home watching his favorite television program. From the open front window he heard the sound of the ice cream truck working its way through the neighborhood. It played a merry melody written to enchant the young into stepping out into the street to purchase an icy delight. Colton was captivated by the tune. It triggered a deep urging for something sweet. Something primal forced him to his feet and pointed him toward the front door. Out of habit he checked his pockets for coins. They were empty. The trance was broken. Colton knew he had several half Dunce coins when he came home from school. Where were they?

Cloverdale's Ice Cream Van.

The sound of the piper was coming closer. Colton bent over the sofa and shoved his entire arm between the cushions and down the back and sides in a search for his lost money. His fingers felt something cold. It was metallic. He grabbed hold and pulled out a handful of coins - a hidden treasure. There was enough money in his hand to buy an icy delight and the holy grail of all mobile ice cream trucks - The Mother Load. The Mother Load is a multistory skyscraper of vanilla and chocolate ice-cream swirling clockwise as it emerges from a 4 inch diameter sugar cone. It is topped with fiery sprinkles and nearly a pint of whipped cream. A sparkler is lit and put through the cone just before the ice cream man hands it out the window and into your quivering hand. The owner can only stare at The Mother Load's exquisite beauty . Then it melts down your hand and onto the sidewalk. Suddenly you're in a rush to eat it. Three bites in and you've got the worse brain freeze of your life.

Later that night, after recovering from a stomach ache, Colton’s greedy mind stumbled upon a hither to unknown fact of nature. The treasure found in cracks. If his sofa had enough money for The Mother Load then so should everyone else's. He called his best friend and asked to come over. As soon as she opened the door he went right to her sofa and shoved his entire arm through the cracks in search of treasure. After a few seconds he hit pay dirt. In his clutched hand they found money, gum wrappers, old movie tickets, a baby tooth, and her mother’s long lost wedding ring. Colton was a hero. His friend kissed him on the cheek. So did her mother. Colton went home and drew up a business plan. His father was impressed with his initiative and loaned him 30 Dunces to get started.

The next day Colton stopped at the Piggly Wiggly’s customer service counter and had 200 flyers printed. The Flyer read:
Colton Cranny Treasure Hunter. Let me in, show me your sofas and chairs and I’ll do the digging. All treasure is shared. Shiver me Timbers mateys, ye be rich soon. I’ll be by on the Jolly Roger. Let me in or ye walk the plank.
Colton stopped by the local Salvation Army Thrift Store and found a cool pirate flag for his bike newly named 'The Jolly Roger'. After a quick stop at home he was on the Jolly Roger canvassing his neighbor with flyers. The next day he went out again. This time his intention was to enter every home and search the couches and chairs. He struck gold at almost every stop.

The Jolly Roger Parked Outside a Treasure Hunt.

Today Colton has expanded his business to include searching car seats in parked cars at the Piggle Wiggly, Red Owl, and the Amazatorium Food Stores. He has exclusive rights to search under the bleachers at the ball park after each game. Several of Cloverdale’s churches gave him permission to search under the pews after worship services. Colton is generous with money he finds in churches and always gives the church the bigger cut.

Colton has big dreams and plans on franchising his business to Dibley in the Downs. He will be interviewing applicants this afternoon for the positions of Dibley Manager.


  1. I have another "gold mine" for Colton to investigate: the areas around ANY drive-thru window location. I have a neighbor that takes his daily walk through my bewildering town streets every morning @ 4:00am. The man comes home with pockets of change every day. Nothing else to do but walk that early in the a.m. he has taken to finding money on the sidewalks, gutters, store parking lots, park pavillions, and the "mother lode" of all....ALL the drive-thru windows in town. The man put a large down payment on his monster Ford truck with the pocket change he finds and collects each day. Colton needs to adjust his business plans to include the extra cash from this grand find.

  2. Just dawned on me: Colton and Hannah Hush would make a perfect team! Colton could find "extra income" hidden in peoples' houses...then Hannah ("That woman, Miss Trindle, is decorating her cupcakes to extort $$$ for the Red Cross...Troops get your Cameras ready!") could notify the owners of their missing treasure to be returned only after a finder's fee was paid (extorted).

  3. Otherworld governments in dire financial situations should look at Colton's ideas for $$$$$ economic stimulus strategies: look for money that has "fallen between the cracks" (ie entitlement programs)to help with the budget before ramping up the $$$$ printing press!