Monday, January 18, 2010
New Slang is Approved for Use at St. Batholomew's Catholic School.
Cloverdale’s St. Bartholomew’s Catholic School’s Committee for the Approval of Slang in Catholic Education (CASCE) convened in a special hearing today to hear testimony on the use of a new slang word currently being used by several of the more popular 8th graders.
Tristan Scuddles and his ‘gang’ of language pioneers, as they like to refer to themselves, were called in after school to answer the charge of introducing a new word into the school’s lexicon without seeking permission through proper channels as outlined in the school’s Student Handbook. On page twelve of The Student Handbook it specifically says that proper English is encouraged at St. Bartholomews. It further states that the school, in its wish to stay current in today’s modern society, established a committee to examine student slang to determine if certain words could be used in the school setting without taking away from the academic and spiritual environment the Sisters of Ever Increasing Hope established when the school was founded so long ago.
Tristan and his pioneers walked into the Youth Court Room at 3:15 P.M. They were followed by several other students wanting to see the Committee in action. Others in the room came to provide moral support, while others liked the new word and wanted to speak for its approval, if given a chance.
The Committee walked into the room from the adjoining Teacher’s Lounge at 3:30 P.M. They took their seats at the front bench.
“This Committee will come to order,” Selma Flappington said while tapping the gavel on the table top. “Please put away your mobiles. We will not allow calls or texting during this hearing.” Ninety percent of those present stuffed their phones into their backpacks. A few, in mid text, left the room until they finished learning what everyone was doing at that precise minute.
“Today the Committee will hear testimony against Tristan Scuddles, a student of average standing, and his non approved club whose name will not be mentioned pending another hearing. Tristan Scuddles, please stand and approach the podium.”
Tristan stood and walked to the microphone. A rebellious grin formed across his face as he grabbed both sides of the podium and leaned forward, ready to tackle Goliath.
“Mr. Scuddles, it has come to our attention that you and your friends are using a non approved slang word. This word is spoken both in and outside of class and in the cafeteria. How do you plead?” Selma sat back in the high back leather chair and waited for the student’s response. The other five members of the committee leaned forward.
“Selma, I’ve got one thing to say to you,” Tristan said directly into the microphone, loud enough to be heard in the hallway and teacher’s lounge. “Just Chillaxe about all of this will ya.”
Tristan’s pioneers erupted into applause. Tristan used their new word in the very trail deciding if they could use that word or not. Ninety percent of the students in the room pulled out their mobile phones. Texts poured from the Youth Court Room reporting Tristan’s bravery against the Committee.
“Silence. Silence!” Selma shouted while pounding the gavel on the particle board table. “This is St. Bartholomew’s, not that Comprehensive High School down the road. Show dignity and restraint.”
The room eventually quieted down - only after Sister Mary Elizabeth Joseph popped her head into the room and gave them all the look of certain death if the noise continued to disturb the nun’s coffee in the teacher’s lounge next door.
“Tristan, please explain the new word and its meaning so the Committee can understand,” Selma requested in a strangely calm voice.
“Sure. Chillaxe is a combination of two things. You start with the phrase ‘Chill Out’. Then cut off the Out leaving you with Chill. Secondly, take the word ‘Relax’ and cut off the Rel. You’re left with “axe’. Combine the Chill with the Axe and you get Chillaxe,” Tristan was prepared to defend this new slang and continued. “May I remind the Committee that the phrase ‘Chill Out‘ was approved for student use two years ago. I also am assuming that ‘relax‘ is standard English. All we’ve done is taken an established word and married with with a phrase the Committee already approaved. I don’t think we’ve done anything wrong. I propose the Committee immediately approve ChillAxe and let us all go home.”
Again the room erupted into applause. Mary’s gavel connected with he table top several more times bringing Sister Mary Elizabeth Joseph back into the room.
“Chillaxe,” the nun shouted. Sister Mary is one of the more popular nuns at the school for her willingness to adopt the newest slang used at by the students. The room erupted into laughter and louder applause.
“What did I do?” Sister Mary asked Selma.
“We’ve not approved that word yet,” Selma answered in disgust. Sister Mary thought for a minute, put two fingers into her mouth and sounded an ear shattering whistle bringing the room into order.
“My Bad,” Sister Mary said. Everyone stood and cheered. “My Bad,” was another non approved phrase that has come before the Committee several times. The Committee refuses to approve it, reasoning that overusing the word ‘bad‘ could lead to immoral conduct.
Sister Mary left the room waving at her admirers. Selma slammed the gavel several more times before bringing the room into order. Tristan returned to the microphone.
“Can we vote and get this over with?” he asked. “We all know the word is OK. It doesn’t lead one to sin. It doesn’t have anything in it that could be offensive. It means relax and not take things so seriously and heaven knows how much this place can use that advice. It’s just a good, all around good piece of slang.”
Selma started to speak. From the amount of air she inhaled the rest of the Committee could tell she was preparing to take this another hour or so.
“I move we vote right now,” Oliver Potts proposed. “Seconded,” Elizabeth Morrill added. Selma looked perplexed. She was backed into a corner. Parliamentary rules required a vote. She had no choice.
“All in favor of approving Chillaxe as a new slang word to be used by the students and staff of St. Bartholomew’s Catholic School please say I,” All hands went up at the table but hers.
“All opposed,” she said while raising her hand. The room erupted into cheers, completely drowning out Selma approval of the word and the final bang of the gavel.
Chillaxe is approved at St. Batholomew’s Catholic School.