Wednesday, January 27, 2010

A Massacre at the Comprehensive School's iPad Celebration.

A Few of the John Connerists at Cloverdale's Comprehensive School.

Today Apple Computers introduced the world to its newest revolutionary product, the iPad.

Cloverdale Middle School’s John Conner Society met in special session to watch the live broadcast in the school’s computer lab. The John Conner Society is the school’s computer / sci fi club. Its members believe machines will some day attempt to take over the world and enslave humans. The Connerists believe the only way to stop this doomsday scenario is to immerse oneself in technology, and when the day comes, be prepared to fight fire with fire.

The club’s members brought special permission forms from home so they could skip their normally scheduled classes. Dale Winheart, club president and future Mac Genius and live at home son, presided over the meeting. He arrived early to decorate the room with balloons and streamers. His little sisters spent much of the night before drawing the Apple logo on the balloons in permanent marker. His little brother made posters using finger paints. He did a pretty good job for a 6 year old.

Dale’s mother baked a white cake in the shape of the Apple logo. The cake was topped with her special fluffy frosting. Dale gave her a kiss in appreciation. Mrs. Winheart makes her signature frosting only on very special occasions. Considering Dale may not attend any Proms or Homecomings during his Comprehensive School years, she thought this might be one of the only real celebrations he has while in school. Of course, being his mother, she hopes and prays that some day a female may join the Connerists. In her dream this unknown female will find something in Dale’s personality that compels her into a relationship; a relationship that, if all the planet’s line up correctly and all the God’s will it so, could result in becoming his girl friend and wife. It was something she dreamt about while standing over her Mix A Matic and dribbling the vanilla extract onto the fluffy white peaks of the frosting.

At half past 8 last night Dale got a text message from his club nemesis, Rude Bickmore. Rude is what Dale and the other Mac Heads consider a PC Droid. The club has several of them. They are true blue PC fans. They despise Macs and look for every opportunity to destroy the rise of the Mac Armada.
“Dale,” Rude typed in his typical monotone font. “Macs suck. Party at your own risk. Dude you’re crazy if you go through with this.”
Dale isn’t one to back away from a challenge. “Bring it on Droid,” he texted back. Dale slept well that night. He knew Rude was all air and no action. Rude never followed through on anything, which is why he never was elected Club President.

The iPad party started at 10:00 A.M. sharp. Dale was happy to see most of the Connerists in attendance. That meant that the Droids were unsuccessfully in convincing many of the less committed Droids to join their boycott. To be on the safe side, Dale entrusted the party’s security to the club’s security branch, the Jedi’s. The Jedi’s stood guard outside the labs two doors. Each was armed with light saber, blaster and pepper spray. Everyone in the room donned their party hats, blow ticklers and horns when the live broadcast started.

At 10:30 A.M. the gathering was disrupted by shouting in the hallway. A Jedi appeared in the doorway.
“The Droids are here with the Barth’s Scythes!” he shouted. The Scythe are a division of St. Bartholomew’s Sci Fi and Computer Club. They are known PC sympathisers and frequently crash many of the Connerists activities.

The Jedi turned to guard the lab’s door. The unarmed Connerists dove for cover having left their blasters and light sabers in their lockers. A few of the clubs older Jedi’s remained standing with their arms outstretched ready to use the force to thwart the Scythe from breaching the bulkhead wall (south door).

Suddenly, three Scythes entered from the lab’s north door catching the Jedi’s by surprise. They fired their blasters. The Jedis fell to the floor giving quite convincing death performances. A massacre ensued. The Scythes spread throughout the room looking for the Connerists. Each was blasted or sliced through with a light saber when found. In a manner of minutes it was all over. The room was quiet except for the cheering of the crowd coming over the streaming broadcast of the Apple announcement.

Rude entered the room. “It’s over,” he said. Dale and the rest of the club stood up from the places where they were slain.
“We let our guard down. We were defeated fairly,” Dale admitted. “I relinquish my office and open the position of Club President to nominations to be taken at the next club meeting.” The room remained silent. Rude and Dale shook hands. The Scythes disappeared out the door, down the hall and out to the parking lot hoping to get back to St. Bartholomews before they were missed.

The Scythes wait to be called in to the Head Mistress's office at St. Bartholomew's. They were found absent from their third period.
Parents are being called. A Scythe's true nightmare.

The Connerists enjoyed cake and ice cream. The party ended at 11:00 A.M. The decorations were removed and everyone returned to their normally scheduled classes. The world has a new iPad and the Comprehensive School will have a new Connerist Club president.

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