Sunday, March 8, 2009

Miss Crumble's Crusaders

Little Alfred and Molly prepare to attack the Heathen and Free Jerusalem

Miss Crumble teaches kindergarten at Confederacy Elementary School in Cloverdale. She considers herself to be progressive in her teaching styles. If the average teacher does it then she won’t. She looks for new and innovative methods to liven up her lessons and make learning meaningful to the children.

“The children must understand the world they live in,“ she explained to the school’s board of directors when they called her in to explain her most recent attempt to help the children understand the conflict between Christians and Muslims.

Two weeks earlier Miss Crumble turned the school’s playground into Palestine. The Big Toy represented Jerusalem. Half her class played the role of the Crusaders under the command of Tommy Millfield (Richard the Lionheart). The other half played the Muslims under the leadership of Marvin Hill (Saladin). The event was titled “The Children’s Crusade”. Each five year old was in costume complete with sword made from cardboard wrapped in aluminum foil. Instead of bows and arrows the children shot spit wads at each other using school cafeteria straws.

The battle began at 1:00 P.M. and lasted until the Muslims surrendered and gave up Jerusalem. It seemed they didn’t get a potty break right before the battle and the Crusaders did. Many wondered if Miss Crumble, known to be a Sunday School teacher at the local Baptist Church, withheld potty time intentionally to swing the battle in the favor of the Christians. She denies this and claims that anyone accusing her of it are pro Islam and anti Christian.

Cloverdale’s four Muslim families, none of whom have children in Miss Crumble’s class, complained to the board. Hence, Miss Crumble was called in to explain her teaching methods.

Miss Crumbled arrived at the board meeting dressed like Joan of Arc as an example of using simulations to teach history. When questioned about her tactics she explained that ‘voices’ told her to do it. The board understood what she was doing. Joan of Arc used the same reasoning during her trials in France. Mrs. Butha of St. Charles Street asked her to ‘return to the present’ and give reasonable answers to their questions.
Suddenly, Mr. Phelps of Popular Circle, feeling inspired by Miss Crumble’s philosophy, jumped to his feet and shouted to the crowded room that Miss Crumble should be burned at the stake as a witch. He pointed out the window to the Tether Ball pole right outside and in full view of all gathered as the place to do it.

Miss Crumble as Joan of Arc

Needless to say, the meeting fell into chaos. The board called another closed door session to resolved the issue next month. Until then Jerusalem has been restored to its previous Big Toy glory and Miss Crumble is back to teaching traditional colors and numbers.

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