Thursday, September 17, 2009
Velma Biscuit. Guilty of Hooliganism. The Pride of Cloverdale
Velma Biscuit is wanted by the Capital City Police for football hooliganism. This picture was taken of Velma shortly before the Capital City Ticks scored the winning goal against the Cloverdale Wasps, the team she supports, during last Friday’s game at Confederacy Stadium in Capital City.
Velma was on her feet during the Tick’s drive down the field. Her shouting wasn’t any louder or more abusive than the fans surrounding her until the winning goal was made. The Ticks fans rose to their feet singing and chanting in wild celebration of their victory. One man, sitting with his two teenage children two rows below Velma, had a voice that stood out over the rest. He bellowed out his description of the Cloverdale team and their loyal fans.
"#$@# inbred Potato Eaters," was his final verbal assault. Velma couldn't let the insult hang out there in mid air without a response. Her little frame shook, her face turned violet and Mt. Velma erupted, spewing molten profanity in every direction. Her outburst brought silence to hundreds around her. Every head turned toward this grandmother of 34 and great grandmother of 12. Finally, the man two rows beneath her gave the official Capital City Tick's response.
“Shut your #$%$# mouth or we will do it for you.” He was upset because Velma's tirade included a description of three of his team's best players. He later told police his response was said in protection of his two teenage children's innocence.
"They were greatly disturbed by language she used," he said.
His daughter was quoted as saying, “Flip and I was disturbed by what that #^$#$% old @#$##@’was saying. She was using words neither of us had never heard especially from someone so #$#@#$ old. Why isn't that old prune home doing what old people are suppose to do - die?”
Velma went mad. No one tells Velma to shut her #$Q@# mouth, especially a Capital City fan. She waited for him to finish and turn around. She held her cane from one end and used the curved other end to lasso his neck. Once his neck was firmly in her cane’s crook she pulled with all the weight her 102 pound frame could generate. The man was caught off guard and fell backwards off the bench into the lap of 300 pound Lois Pilch, another Capital City fan. Lois's 32 ounce Diet Coke emptied over her dress and her Polish dog fell to the sticky, grimy floor.
What happened next started one of the biggest football riots in Confederacy history. Lois Pilch pushed the man off her lap, stood up sending the ice from her drink tinkling to the floor, grabbed Velma’s cane and broke it over her knee. Velma responded the only way someone with such a weight disadvantaged could - she spit into Lois’s face with such force her dentures dislodged and slipped their moorings right onto the head of another Capital City fan.
Police rushed to Section 23 Portal A to stop the fighting but it was too late. Just like a melt down in a nuclear reactor, a chain reaction started and soon escalated to the point of fusion and rampant anti social behavior ensued. Scores of people were arrested and many were injured. Velma survived with severe bruising requiring one night in the hospital for observation and five nights in jail for her part in the disturbance.
Yesterday Velma returned to a hero’s welcome at Cloverdale's train station. In his welcoming home speech, the Lord Mayor announced Velma's appointment as this year’s Harvest Festival and Fair’s Grand Marshall.
Velma waved to the crowd with one hand while using her other to cover her mouth. She politely refused to speak. It seems her dentures were never found and without them Velma couldn't be understood.