Saturday, May 23, 2009

Harold Warpool and Nature's MD

Harold "Doc" Warpool Before the Closure of Nature's MD

Harold “Doc” Warpool is the proud proprietor of Cloverdale’s only Homeopathic Pharmacy called “Nature MD”. His shelves are stocked with cures, remedies, and snake oils with names sounding like they belong in the medical dispensary at Hogwart’s School of Magic.

Harold spends every morning in the forests around Cloverdale searching for the plants required to conjure his cures for mind and body. Some of the potions are old family recipes. Others come from Cloverdale’s very own witches' Coven. Witches, as a group, are secretive of their centuries old brews and hexes, but through seductive persuasion as the Coven’s only wizard, Harold successfully obtained access to their dusty volumes hidden under a floorboard at Wilson’s Janitorial Supply on the High Street.

Harold claims to have the cures for cancer, gout, ringworm, diabetes, hair loss, etc. In fact, one wall of his establishment resembles the rock wall at Lourdes in France - both laden with the crutches of the healed. Lourdes claims heavenly intervention through the Virgin Mary. Nature MD claims the mystery of nature and the ‘before his time’ intuition of the Doc. Some of Harold’s friends and supporters have urged him to adjust his practice to include religion. In one discussion held late into the evening at The Kicking Donkey Pub a new business plan was drawn up by Harold and his primary backers. Harold would claim a vision from some saint. It was left to Harold to decide which one. They felt it best to steer clear of Mary to protect their immortal souls. Harold would publish a narrative of his vision. Initial believers would provide the fertile soil to move to the second step of the plan. Harold would have regular visions in the back garden of this establishment. Each heavenly visitor would impart a new conjugation of ingredients designed to cure another of mankind’s ills. The profit potential of such a venture was sound - especially because of Nature’s MD proximity to St. Bartholomew’s Catholic Church and School - a captive and ready to believe audience, so to speak.

The plan was nearly ready to launch and then aborted after the trial run of the first vision’s telling. Harold couldn’t act. His performance lacked sincerity. Any thinking person would see through the ruse. Harold was back to midnight rendezvous with the witches.

A week ago an official from The Confederacy of Dunces Ministry of Taxes and Fraud walked through the door of Nature MD. He asked for samples of Harold’s cure for excessive flatulence (gas). The mixture was taken out to the official’s mobile lab in the back of a 1963 Volkswagen Twinkie Van. One hour later the official was heard nailing a notice to the door of the store. Harold rushed out to read the sign:
The Confederacy Ministry of Taxes and Fraud hereby and forthwith closes this establishment upon the finding of salmonella and lead. All patrons are urged to visit their local Doctor for examination.
Harold protested the closure vehemently but in the end lost the appeal. The mobile lab drove away leaving Harold with several walls of stock and no ability to distribute. Nature’s MD was forced to close. Harold struck back by commissioning a curse on the Ministry and the official by the witches in the Coven. While the curse may have satisfied his need for revenge, his distribution problem remained.

Two weeks ago a solution presented itself. While watching the evening Dunce News television program All the News, he saw a report on the thousands of Americans purchasing drugs over the internet from Mexican pharmacies thus bypassing the high cost of prescription drugs in the United States. That next day Harold parked outside Cloverdale’s Comprehensive School and waited for the students to arrive. He had several flyers in his hand to distribute to the students. Harold was advertising for the services of a ‘web master’ to create an internet site for his business. His wish was answered by the heavily pimpled Harvey Hod. For several hundred dollars and a cure for his complexion, Harvey created an online business for Nature’s MD.

Harold has successfully bypassed the Ministry ban and does brisk business by shipping product outside the Confederacy from the Janitorial shop. Harvey, the web master, is in the hospital for lead poisoning. There is a bright side - his complexion is much improved.

No comments:

Post a Comment