The Professor and My Eating Disorder

Professor Ian Shoop took another walk this morning down the High Street in Cloverdale. I passed him on my walk home from the Wonderland Bakery where I met a few friends and discussed the concept of information loss which may or may not occur as one crosses the event horizon of a black hole.

Please don’t come to the conclusion that I’m smarter than I look. The residents of Cloverdale really are as smart as they look. So, with one glance, even from a distance, you can pretty much sum up the IQ of any person you’re approaching on the pavement. That helps if they stop you for a quick conflab. In the case of my friends and I, our conversations cover a broad spectrum considering their cognitive abilities. With some of my Cloverdale friends I find that even discussing the weather can be a challenge, especially if its doing more than one thing at once - such as rain combined with a strong wind. My other friends and I are perfectly comfortable discussing black holes and event horizons. Mind you, I may not be able to match them brain cell for brain cell, but I’m a darn good listener and know when to nod my head in agreement - whether I understand what was said or not.

Anyway, our little Saturday morning gathering discussed the topic mentioned above while enjoying a muffin, with cream center, and cup of ice cold milk. At half past nine I excused myself, thanked Mr. Moss for his hospitality, purchased a nice sticky bun for tomorrow’s breakfast, and stepped out into the sunshine for the walk home - which is where I bumped into Professor Ian Shoop.

Bumped into isn’t exactly accurate. I saw him from a distance and knew from his appearance he was in deep thought over something in the realm of physics. His eyes lit up when he saw me. I thought to cross the street and dash into Tipsey’s Travel Service to avoid him (his conversations can keep you engaged for over an hour) but decided to stay my course. Perhaps he would have something interesting to say today. Maybe enlighten me on a new discovery or theory.

Ten steps from me he started talking to himself, going through a rehearsal of his first few words. At two steps he inhaled. At one, he spoke.

“Fine weather today,” he said pointing to the bright blue sky. I was confused. I was sure most people in Cloverdale regarded me as fairly intelligent. After all, I just finished my 27th year of teaching school and I have a university degree. In my mind I reviewed all the possible reasons why he would greet me with the current state of the weather.

“Yes beautiful day. Not a cloud in the sky,” I replied with a look of curiosity.

“Well, yes there is one if you look toward the mountains you’ll see the first indications of a.....” he stopped himself abruptly and looked intently at my mouth, then proceeded to finish his statement, “.....yes not a cloud in the sky. Good observation.” The Professor tipped his hat and continued to walk toward the canal.

I was confused but thought twice before letting it deflate my spirits. It was a fine day and I was determined to keep it that way.

The train station was my last stop before reaching home. My Saturday morning routine included a stop at the station’s news stand to pick up a copy of “News of the World”. I was disappointed to see Miss Lily wasn’t at her usual post in the newstand’s window. Miss Lily and I always enjoyed a discussion, usually sparked by the headline on the newspaper. Today someone else was at the till. A teenager with an unremarkable face peppered with acne.

“Hello,” I said as I approached. The young lady smiled as she sat her phone down on the counter. It seemed I had interrupted a text.
“News of the World please.”
“Wha?” she responded with a look of confusion bordered by indifference.
“News of the Worlds,” I repeated.
“Ya don’t want tha one mister,” she said as she held a copy in her hand and examined the headline.
“Here ya go. How ‘bout a nice junior cross word puzzle,” she suggested.
“Why would I want the Junior Crossword Puzzle?” I asked, to which the girl shrugged her shoulders and slid the newspaper over the counter and into my hand. I dropped the proper amount of coinage into her palm and turned to walk away.

“Ya won’t understand it,” she mumbled under her breath. I pretended not to hear.

There was something terribly wrong in our village of the bewildered. Why did everyone seem to think I had lost half my IQ?

The answer was apparent when I got home and had a chance to look at myself in the mirror. The chocolate muffin with creamy center left a nice ring around the outside of my mouth and the front of my shirt held a noticeable stain of dribbled milk. My eating disorder was to blame for everyone’s misperceptions of my state of mind.

I vowed, in the future, to always check myself in the mirror whenever I eat out to avoid misunderstandings.

Cloverdale's Children, Teeth Rot and the Queen

Humbugs Confectionery Delights in Cloverdale recently placed an add in the Confederacy Times announcing the benefits of eating sugar. It had to be done to counter the proposed ban of all sweets from the Shire’s school cafeterias. They realized the risk they took in placing the add. Sugars, like other carbohydrates, are on many people’s ‘poison list’ of things never to eat if you want to live past fifty with your own teeth.

Last month, the Clovershire School Council issued an order removing all sugared drinks from the middle and comprehensive school’s menu and vending machines. This month the Council is considering the complete removal of all sweets from the dispensing machines. Students are rightfully upset and plan on attending the meeting in droves to protest the trampling of their right to stuff themselves with anything - Good or Bad.

"What will they do next?" said Student Council Leader Treg Tumms. "Will they ban our heavily caffeinated drinks next. I mean, I can't make it through a day without my six Red Bulls. How can we stay awake in class, especially with the teachers they have working in the school? Talk about boring. I mean, even the nerds can't stay awake without something. How can we maintain our social lives and get an education at the same time!? No, the line is drawn here and we won't budge."

Parents seemed neutral, at first. That attitude quickly changed after the Clovershire Dental Association sponsored several television adds on Cloverdale Weekend Television showing the horrors of tooth decay brought about because of sugared drinks. The television add focused primarily on British school children’s teeth - brown and decayed because of the gallons and gallons of sugared tea they drink each year.

A Scene taken from the Television Add Showing a Headline from the
British Tabloid "The Sun"On the Current
State of Dental Hygiene in Britain

The add ends by saying, “British Parents love their Tea more than Their Children’s Dental Health. Is that True in Clovershire?” The add accomplished its desired purpose. The village’s parents are now more inclined to support the sweets ban. The Council may have the votes to outlaw candy completely from the schools. Humbugs, the Shire’s leading supplier of sweets and other items of serious sinfulness, felt an obligation to support the product their business was built upon.

With the financial support of the British Embassy in Capital City, the new Humbug add extolling the virtue of sugar, is running in current newspapers up and down the Confederacy from Tamworth on Tide to Fernwood on the Moor. The British Embassy became involved by direct order of the Prime Minister.

“Nobody attacks the very foundation of British culture without a response from this government, Nobody!” the Prime Minister was quoted as saying while taking tea with the Ambassador of the Confederacy Tuesday last. The Ambassador apologized to the Prime Minister and to the English people.

“That add was sponsored by the Dental Association and not our government,” he stressed in his brief remarks before the cameras were asked to leave the room. It was noted that while the Ambassador was addressing the press, the Prime Minister was seen putting several teaspoonfuls of sugar into the Ambassador’s tea.

The Queen was informed of the Confederacy’s attack on tea during her weekly audience with the Prime Minister.

Queen Elizabeth Upset over the Remarks Made Disparaging Tea.
"Off With Their Heads," She Was Overheard Saying

“We are so upset by this we shall take tea now instead of after our meeting,” she said while ringing for her servants using a small silver bell on the lamp stand.

“Quite,” the Prime Minister responded indigently.

Humbug's Seriously Sinful Chocolates in Cloverdale

Humbugs is running a new promotion to encourage people to attend the School Council’s next meeting and support sweets in the vending machines of the Shire’s schools. Everyone that comes into the shop and signs the petition to encourage the consumption of sugar receives one chocolate; not from the Downright Delicious display case, not from the Seriously Delicious display case, and not even from the Sinfully Delicious display case. Anyone that signs the “Sweets in our School’s” petition is given their choice of any chocolate in the Seriously Sinfully Delicious display case!

The School Council understands they may be loosing the support of the public and are ordering another Power Point presentation from the Dental Association to be played during the next meeting. The Council asked for the Anti Chewing Tobacco Presentation, with several modifications. The Council requested all references to tobacco be removed and the word sugar substituted in its place. All pictures of snuff and chewing tobacco are to be replaced with pictures of the most popular candy bars, based on past sales in the machines.

“The pictures of various mouth cancers are hideous, guaranteed to turn the stomachs of everyone in the room,” the Chairman said in a secretly recorded telephone conversation with the Chairman of the Dental Association. “This will do the trick. We will carry the crowd.”

This is a Council meeting you’ll not want to miss. Everybody in the village, along with nearby villages and even the British press will be in attendance. There's even talk that a representative of the Foreign Office from Capital City will speak on behalf of tea.

Cloverdale Weekend Televison: Songs of Praise. Make Me A Channel of your Peace

The Weather for Clovershire.

The large high pressure mass which has dominated the region retreats today, opening the door for cooler weather and rain. Expect heavy rain in the PM accompanied with lightening. Not the best day for an outing.

Heavy rain in the mountains may bring minor flooding to Dibley in the Downs and other villages along the Clover River. Keep a watchful eye.

Cloverdale's Council of Churches, as the do every Sunday, encourage you to attend your church of choice.

Huckle Keesh is Off to the Work Camp. May the Lord Be With Him.

Huckle Keesh of 354 Clover Drive, Cloverdale, sits and warms himself in the glow of his 27 inch LCD monitor. The answer to your obvious question is “Yes”, Huckle has every video game system created on planet Earth (and some I can’t identify. He claims they were found in the wreckage of a crashed alien space craft. Of course, he made the statement in his 36th hour without sleep. He was playing Survivor Halo with his online friends. I say online because it is yet to be proven he has friends that can be seen in the real world of flesh and bone), and nearly every video game to go with them.

“I’m a collector of the Gaming Arts,” he explains with pride to anyone who enters his bedroom. No one doubts his enthusiasm for his vocation. What everyone is concerned about is his disconnect with the world. He has become a solitary monk in the Digital Faith of flickering lights, vibrating controllers and sounds not produced by human vocal chords.

“What do we do with him?” his mother asked the social worker dispatched from the Comprehensive School’s Guidance Office. “We’ve hardly seen him since summer vacation started. We know he’s alive because we leave food for him outside the door in the morning and its gone when his father and I come home from work in the evening.”

The Social Worker made a phone call and then suggested the Keesh’s join her for a cup of coffee at the Woolworth’s Lunch Counter. Before leaving the house, the lady took a paper from her satchel and asked both parents to sign on the ‘Permission‘ line.
“What are we signing?” both parents asked.
“You’re giving us permission to begin treatment for your son. It could get ugly so be sure you can handle his crying, screaming, cursing and possible self mutilation,” she replied with a slight smile showing Mr. and Mrs. Keesh that she truly enjoyed her job.

They signed and went for coffee.

Huckle was gone when they returned.

“He’s been taken to a better place,” the woman in the wool skirt and red blouse said as she encouraged them to sit on their sofa in the parlor. “Huckle will spend the rest of the summer at the Confederacy Work Camp. Its a place where he can work off a few pounds and get to know other children like himself - children lost in their own minds and easily manipulated by digital images. The children are currently expanding Highway 1 from two lanes to four. If you wish you can see your son every day working on the road. I suggest you give him a bit of time to adjust. He won’t be too happy you called the school about his problem. But all is well. You can rest assured he will come home several pounds lighter and with a nice golden tan.”

And with that said, she took her bag and walked toward the door. She let herself out. Once out of ear's reach she placed a call to inform her supervisor the quota has been met. The school will receive it portion of the Shire's Highway Budget. It will help fund the art's programs.

“I always wondered who those kids were working on the roads every summer,” Mrs. Keesh said as she stood and started for the kitchen. “Fancy a cup of tea?”

“Tea, let’s go out and celebrate!” Mr. Keesh shouted as he reached for the car keys resting on the coffee table.

Huckle's two camp roommates collected two days earlier.
Neither are happy about the sun and fresh air

Abigail Tiller, addicted to Barbie Online. She is now at the Camp working as a flagman
on Highway 1.Motorists, she is small so drive with caution.

Simon Bart, an addict to WarCraft.
He's been at camp since May 31st and has lost 12 pounds
(much if it due to multiple food poisonings.
The problem in the camp kitchen is corrected. For now.)

Video Game Addicts
(Left) Four teens brought in at the end of June for a Halo Addiction.
(Right) Last year's campers at the end of the summer season standing in front of the camp dorms.

Saving our Children from Themselves
Support the Children's Work Camp

A Clovershire Government Program
Sponsored by the Education Ministry and the Highway Department
Working Together We Can Make A Difference.

The Salvation Army Thrift Store's Back to School Extravaganza

General Junkell and his lovely wife Shirley are the managers of the Salvation Army Thrift Store on the High Street in Coverdale. They urge you to spend your back to school dollars at the Thrift Store, where your hard earned money buys more for less.

The Confederacy Times, Cloverdale's weekly newspaper, agreed to run the store's adds for free in the paper in return for the Salvation Army's promise not to hold a band concert on their office's doorstep every Monday morning at 9:00 A.M.
"We are so grateful for the Times generosity," General Junkell was quoted as saying in the newspaper.
"God Bless them," his lovely wife Shirley chimed in with a well rehearsed smile and hand out seeking a donation from the reporter.

The adds were proof read and approved by the General and his lovely wife yesterday at a special tea held at the Store. The adds will be run every week until the middle of September.

The add campaign starts with a new range of Chubbettes used clothing for the 2010-11 school year consigned to the Thrift Store from Donaldson's Department Store's storage shed.

"What kind of parent would buy their kids Chubbettes clothes," said Morris Carp, manager of Donaldson's Department Store's Girls Clothing Department. "These clothes didn't sell in 1964 and by God they're not going to sell today. So, we gave them to the Salvationists. They preach miracles happen all around us, well let's see them prove it. I want to see them shift this lot of clothes!"

The Thrift Store's Boys Department's add features a full range of Plaid Toughskins, once popular in the early 1970's, the Thrift Store is hoping for a plaid revival in the 21st Century.

In addition to the Plaid Toughskins, Cloverdale's thrifty moms may want to spend a little bit more and outfit their sons in a new / old range of Tom Sawyer clothes. This add will run in next Sunday's paper with a note encouraging Cloverdale's value conscious families to purchase their Tom Sawyer clothes quickly while the supply lasts. The Tom Sawyer brand went out of business in 1981 so once sold out there will no others.


And finally, for the family with a healthy budget for school clothing, the Thrift Store offers a full range of Ladybird Clothing. These upmarket designs from the early 1960's are sure to please your little one's grandparents - reminding them of the days "when clothes were modest, descent and Christian!".

Friends, remember a dollar spent at the Thrift Store is a dollar that helps the homeless and destitute. Granted, there are none in Cloverdale at the moment, but when there are the Salvation Army will be ready to offer assistance and spiritual guidance.