Mrs. Evidine Trindle, Her Music, and Her Brownies

Mrs. Evidine Trindle and her Violin 'Rosebud'

Citizens and visitors arriving at Cloverdale in the Shire by train are serenaded every Monday, Wednesday and Friday by Mrs. Evidine Trindle of 6 Mulberry Close and her violin she affectionatly calls 'Rosebud'. Evidine sits in her lawn chair right outside the main entrance and plays an assortment of her favorite songs. She was playing a delightful rendition of ‘Whisky in the Jar’ when I stepped off the train last Wednesday from a business trip to Fernwood on the Moor. I stopped and listened, as did many others. All of us were in a hurry but never in too much of a hurry to miss a Trindle performance. A smile appeared on her face as the crowd grew. If you caught her on a good day when she is in ‘proper form’ (her words) she might take a request or two.

At the end of the song, Evidine thanked everyone for stopping and then, using her bow, gently tapped a tupperware cake container beside her. The container had a large red cross colored in magic marker on its lid. It was full of her home made brownies. You see, Evidine is the Shire’s Red Cross Chairwoman. This is her way of reminding you of your duty to help the Red Cross with its relief efforts. The money raised from her performances at the Train Station help care for the many weekly arrivals seeking asylum at the Confederacy of Dunces’s Border with The Other World. The money is also used to purchase toys for the children in the pediatric ward of St. Elizabeth's Hospital.

Cloverdale's Train Station

Each brownie is frosted in white confectionery icing with a red cross made from either red colored coconut or red sugar. For every brownie purchased Evidine places a small Red Cross sticker on your jacket telling the world that, for a brief moment, you heard the best violin playing in the Shire while enjoying a delicious brownie - all for a good cause. Could there be a better way to end your day?

Mrs. Evidine Trindle and Rosebud are dedicated to their art and appear promptly at 4:00 P.M. regardless of the weather. If its teeming with rain or snow the Station Master will let her play in the passenger waiting room.

Friends, help Evidine help others. Remember her as you go about your daily business and if you and the kids are near the train station on a Monday, Wednesday or Friday please stop and appreciate the dedication of a fellow Dunce.

Remember, we are all in this together.

Join Cloverdale's Red Cross Society
Give Relief and Hope.

Colton Cranney: Crack Pirate

Colton prepares to separate you from your treasures.

Colton Cranny lives at 35 Vine Street and attends Cloverdale Middle School. He's not the best student but he does know one thing very well - cracks; furniture cracks to be exact. This is the place in chairs and sofas where the back and arm cushions come in contact with the back and bottom frame. These cracks are home to a variety of treasures which have fallen from people's pockets. You sit down and inevitably something travels from your pocket into the crack - swallowed and never to see the light of day. Until now.

One day Colton was home watching his favorite television program. From the open front window he heard the sound of the ice cream truck working its way through the neighborhood. It played a merry melody written to enchant the young into stepping out into the street to purchase an icy delight. Colton was captivated by the tune. It triggered a deep urging for something sweet. Something primal forced him to his feet and pointed him toward the front door. Out of habit he checked his pockets for coins. They were empty. The trance was broken. Colton knew he had several half Dunce coins when he came home from school. Where were they?

Cloverdale's Ice Cream Van.

The sound of the piper was coming closer. Colton bent over the sofa and shoved his entire arm between the cushions and down the back and sides in a search for his lost money. His fingers felt something cold. It was metallic. He grabbed hold and pulled out a handful of coins - a hidden treasure. There was enough money in his hand to buy an icy delight and the holy grail of all mobile ice cream trucks - The Mother Load. The Mother Load is a multistory skyscraper of vanilla and chocolate ice-cream swirling clockwise as it emerges from a 4 inch diameter sugar cone. It is topped with fiery sprinkles and nearly a pint of whipped cream. A sparkler is lit and put through the cone just before the ice cream man hands it out the window and into your quivering hand. The owner can only stare at The Mother Load's exquisite beauty . Then it melts down your hand and onto the sidewalk. Suddenly you're in a rush to eat it. Three bites in and you've got the worse brain freeze of your life.

Later that night, after recovering from a stomach ache, Colton’s greedy mind stumbled upon a hither to unknown fact of nature. The treasure found in cracks. If his sofa had enough money for The Mother Load then so should everyone else's. He called his best friend and asked to come over. As soon as she opened the door he went right to her sofa and shoved his entire arm through the cracks in search of treasure. After a few seconds he hit pay dirt. In his clutched hand they found money, gum wrappers, old movie tickets, a baby tooth, and her mother’s long lost wedding ring. Colton was a hero. His friend kissed him on the cheek. So did her mother. Colton went home and drew up a business plan. His father was impressed with his initiative and loaned him 30 Dunces to get started.

The next day Colton stopped at the Piggly Wiggly’s customer service counter and had 200 flyers printed. The Flyer read:

Colton Cranny Treasure Hunter. Let me in, show me your sofas and chairs and I’ll do the digging. All treasure is shared. Shiver me Timbers mateys, ye be rich soon. I’ll be by on the Jolly Roger. Let me in or ye walk the plank.

Colton stopped by the local Salvation Army Thrift Store and found a cool pirate flag for his bike newly named 'The Jolly Roger'. After a quick stop at home he was on the Jolly Roger canvassing his neighbor with flyers. The next day he went out again. This time his intention was to enter every home and search the couches and chairs. He struck gold at almost every stop.

The Jolly Roger Parked Outside a Treasure Hunt.

Today Colton has expanded his business to include searching car seats in parked cars at the Piggle Wiggly, Red Owl, and the Amazatorium Food Stores. He has exclusive rights to search under the bleachers at the ball park after each game. Several of Cloverdale’s churches gave him permission to search under the pews after worship services. Colton is generous with money he finds in churches and always gives the church the bigger cut.

Colton has big dreams and plans on franchising his business to Dibley in the Downs. He will be interviewing applicants this afternoon for the positions of Dibley Manager.

The Perfect Storm at Cloverdale's Ice Palace.

Cloverdale Star Wars Club

The prefect storm converged at the Cloverdale Ice Palace last Tuesday. It was 9:30 P.M. The UNSC Spartan club reserved the Palace for an ice planet attack simulation. The UNSC is affiliated with The Confederacy of Dunces’s Grand Halo Alliance with clubs in many villages and hamlets country wide. The reservation included an after hour party complete with cake, party hats, and blow ticklers with feathers. The Spartan’s Generals were armed with battle rifles, hand crafted from pvc pipe and plastic. Each rifle was equipped with a scope and weapon chamber capable of holding up to 50 miniature marshmallows for firing in rapid secession. Lower ranked Spartans carried assault rifles.

The UNSC Spartans had just taken to the ice when a problem arose. Apparently the 14 year old attendant, Brooken Bailey, messed up and doubled booked the Palace. At 9:40 P.M. the Storm Troopers of Cloverdale, a Star Wars club, arrived in two minivans decorated as Xwing fighters. The 'wings' were built from discarded ironing boards riveted to the back of the vans. Tonight was their 'Battle for Ice Planet Hoth' simulation. Half the club's members were dressed as Imperial Storm Troopers with costumes made from multiple clorox bottles cut in half. Half the bottles were placed around the front of the legs and arms and the other half around the back. The halves were strung together by white shoelaces. The face masks were made from paper mache. The blasters were modified paint ball guns.

The other half of the club played the role of the rebel alliance. They had light sabers made of broom sticks painted with fluorescent paint. The rebels were led by the club's president Donnie Drump. He assumed the role of Luke Skywalker at all club gatherings and played the part well. If you asked politely Donnie would model Luke's defiant stand from the first Star Wars movie. He stands straight with one hand on his hip. One foot rests higher than the other on an unseen rock. He stares ahead, looking at the planet's two setting suns. He strikes an imposing figure for a 40 year old out of shape parking lot attendant.

The two clubs met at the center of the ice ring. The teen age attended stood between them. The boy attempted to find a compromise but negotiations broke down. A shouting match ensued. Brooken ran for the phone and dialed 999 for the constable. From his desk he witness the shot heard round the ring. A Spartan fired his air compressed battle rifle. The marshmallow raced through the air in search of its target. Brooken cringed as Donnie Drump was hit square in the face knocking him from his 'Luke Skywalker in the setting suns' pose and onto the ice.
"Luke is hit," shouted someone from the rebel side.
"Attack!" shouted another.
The two clubs surged forward. Broom sticks swung in an attempt to block the incoming paint balls. Marshmallows filled the air and fell like hail on the scrummage below. There was slapping and screaming. There was kicking and biting. There was scratching and hair pulling.

The constable wouldn’t arrive for 20 minutes. Brooken was responsible for the Palace and its equipment. If this continued there would be serious damage. He had to think of something. His concentration was interrupted by the shouting of a voice he thought he recognized. He looked up and saw Darth Vader attempting to slow the advancing Spartans with the Force. His hand was up as if he were a traffic cop signaling oncoming cars to stop.
"The Force will stop you!" he bellowed. It didn’t. A 300 pound Spartan soldier tackled him to the ice. They slid across the ice wrapped in each others arms, slamming into the side board. Vadar’s helmet was ejected leaving his face exposed. Brooken recognized him, it was Wilbur Frumply, assistant principal at the Middle School. Frumply looked like he couldn’t breath Brooken remembered the Star Wars movie and remembered that Darth Vader needed the mask to breath. Brooken was impressed with Frumply's acting skills. Frumply was doing more than acting. He began squirming and pounding his black gloved fist on the ice. Brooken realized he really couldn’t breath. He had the wind knocked out of him.

Brooken had to think of something fast. An idea came to him. He knew that both the Halo and the Star Wars Clubs hated the local Star Trekkers Club. Brooken knew it was jealousy. The Trekkers were a fixture in Cloverdale since their founding in 1968. They held the longest running continuous club meeting in the community hall. The Trekkers were invited to participate in parades and help usher whenever a Star Trek movie was playing at the local Cinema. They were allowed to provide security for the Shire Fair every year and hosted the science fiction writing competition.

Brooken reached for the Palace’s microphone and turned the volume to high.
“Attention, Attention,” he shouted in his squeaking adolescent voice. “We need all of you to clear the building. There was a third group that booked the ice for tonight and they have preference. We apologize for the inconvenience.”

“Who is it,” both clubs shouted in unison from the ice.
“The Cloverdale Star Trek Club," Brooken answered. "They are arriving now by shuttlecraft in the parking lot.” Brooken's voice had a distinct sound of delight.

Suddenly, as if directed by a higher power, both clubs stopped fighting. There was a moment of complete calm - like the eye of a hurricane. Then came the sound of skates on ice as both clubs moved like one angry beast toward the Palace's doors. Their lungs expelled air making the sound of a barbarian on his way to a real blood letting. Both clubs were ready to settle the score with the Trekkers.

Brookens rushed to lock the door after the last Storm Trooper hobbled through. The Palace was quiet and secure. He turned off the lights, locked the cash box in the safe and escaped quietly out the back to his waiting bike feeling very pleased with himself.

Brooken stayed home from school for one week after the incident.
There were rumors both clubs had put out a contract on him for a simulated hit (water balloon to the face).

Darla Dandy and Ladies With a Leash

Darla Dandy was having her hair done at the local beauty shop one afternoon. She was in a frightful hurry. Her poodle Puffy was waiting for her in the car. Puffy had an appointment to have her hair done at Doggie Doos at 1:30 P.M. and it was ten past one already. The stress of making Puffy late for her appointment was causing Doloris to fidget in the chair. She knew how upset Puffy got if she missed her bi monthly visit to Doggie Doos. Puffy enjoyed the royal treatment consisting of a shampoo, cut , blow dry, nail clipping and massage. There was always a special Doggie Biscuit at the end if she was a good girl.

Darla’s hair was finished at 1:40 P.M. Puffy missed her appointed. Puffy was a bad doggie for the next several days. She kept mistaking Darla’s bed for own. She left her doggie droppings on the front porch, not a welcoming site for Darla’s visitors. She sat directly in front of the TV blocking Darla’s view from her favorite chair. She barked in Darla’s ear in the middle of the night and howled whenever Darla put her outside causing many irate phone calls from the neighbors. She bit the mailman and knocked little Jimmy from next door off his tricycle. Darla vowed it would never happen again.

Today Darla Dandy is the proud owner of Cloverdale’s newest business Ladies With a Leash. Never again would a woman suffer what Darla suffered because at Ladies With a Leash a woman and her dog could have their hair done at the same time at the same place! A busy lady could save time but also have a unique bonding moment with her pet.

Darla Dandy welcomes you to her parlor. She is open every day from 9:00 A.M. to 5:20 P.M. and reminds the ladies of Cloverdale that you are only as beautiful as your dog! Make an appointment today.

Sea Food at the Kicking Donkey Pub

A Vickie Pollard Culinary Creation

Sea Food a la Vickie

Thursday night has always been Seafood Night at the Kicking Donkey Pub in Cloverdale, that is until the last cook was taken to hospital for food poisoning. The new cook, Vickie Pollard, is allergic to sea food - which poses a bit of a problem for the pub's regulars. Vickie proposed changing Sea Food night to Indian Curry Night but management didn't warm up to the idea. She also suggested Navajo tacos but got a thumbs down from the rest of the staff. Vickie Pollard faced a challenge. There are two things Vickie never backs away from - a challenge and walnut rum cake. If sea food was requested then sea food it would be - Pollard Style!
Last Thursday the Kicking Donkey introduced Vickie Ballard's newest dish, Wiener Squid on a sea bed of schooling macaroni garnished with green bean sea weed. The meal was served hot to your table by Vickie's granddaughter Eva in her Little Mermaid Halloween costume. A pint of the the pub's strongest ale came with the meal. After a few sips of the ale you wouldn't know what you were eating anyway.
Oh that Vickie Pollard. Who else could get away with a dish of sea food without sea food.
Vickie thinks she has a hit on her hands. The customers were too shocked to comment. Will the Thursday crowd be back. Time will tell.

Vickie and Pub hostess 'Two Pint Lily' enjoy a cup of tea and a sampling of the pub's famous Walnut Rum Cake. Keeping Vickie away from the desserts is a bit of a challenge.Vickie recently joined Cloverdale's Fat Fighters.
Time will tell.