Sunday, July 4, 2010

Cloverdale's Leroy Pickins Protests the Twilight Movie Series.

Leroy Pickins Outside the Grand Theater at Last Year's Showing of Twilight

Leroy Pickins woke two days ago after a restless sleep. The anticipation and long wait for the new Twilight movie was over. Eclipse, the third movie in the Twilight saga would be shown at Cloverdale's Grand Theater that night for the first time. His excitement wasn’t born from a love for the series, in fact the opposite was true. Leroy’s excitement sprang from his loathing of all things which spring from Satan’s loins.

“Them Vampires are of the devil,” Leroy was quoted as saying in an article published in the Confederacy Times when the last Twilight movie was shown in Cloverdale a year ago. Leroy picketed the theater for three days, warning all movie goers that their souls were in danger of Hell’s fires if they entered the theater. On the second day Leroy realized his warnings were falling on deaf ears. Despite his pleas and curses, the line for each showing seemed to be growing larger and larger. He needed something more than just words to startle those hypnotized by demons back into a state of grace. On the morning of his last day of protesting, Leroy stopped at the local Piggly Wiggly on his way to the Grand Theater to purchase ten pounds of hamburger.

The village constable was waiting for him when he arrived.
“Leroy, you’ve got to stay off the Grand Theater’s property today or I’ll have to take you in. You got that?” the Constable said sternly.
“Got it sheriff,” Leroy answered back sarcastically. The Constable stayed for several minutes before getting a call about a possible accident between a car and a poorly thrown Frisbee near the Village Park. The Constable hopped onto his bike and pedaled away, waving his finger at Leroy until he was out of sight.

Leroy reached into the Piggly Wiggly plastic grocery carrier bag and took out the raw meat. He opened the wrapper and started to roll the ten pounds of hamburger into tiny one inch diameter balls.
“If these so called Christians love blood and guts then I’ll give it to ‘em. It will all be right here on the streets. There ain’t no need to go into the theater to see it,” Leroy said confidently to two twelve year old boys who happened to be passing on their skateboards and took an interest in his large sign urging people to ask him why they were Hell bound.
“Can we help you throw those?!” one boy said with much enthusiasm.
“Are you a good Christian?” Leroy asked.
“Jesus died for my sins!” the boy shouted.
“Hallelujah and Amen!” Leroy said to finish the moment of praise. “Let’s get throwing.”

Leroy and the two boys started peppering the thirty or so people standing in the Twilight line outside the theater with raw hamburger balls. The few men in the line ran for cover. The ladies, on the other hand, would have none of it. They broke the line and charged toward Leroy and the lads.

By the time the Constable arrived the three were lying face down in the grass, their mouths stuffed with raw hamburger. Leroy was given a ticket for violating the peace and contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

Sam Bilbo and Nick Olsen in the Village Jail Awaiting Parental Pick Up
after throwing raw hamburger at the patrons of the Grand Theater.

This year Leroy thought he'd take a different approach. He purchased a digital camera a week after learning of the first showing of Eclipse at the Grand Theater in mid summer. He enrolled in community education at the Comprehensive School and took a class in Blogging. To pass the class, Leroy was required to start a blog and maintain it for at least two months.

Leroy’s blog was called, “Why You’re a Sinner”. two nights ago the blog got its first pictures. Leroy used his digital camera to on take picture of everyone in the Eclipse line and posted them to his blog.

“Smile, You’re on Hell’s Camera!” he shouted as he snapped picture after picture of people exited their cars and getting into the movie line. The Constable was on hand to be sure the events of a year ago were not repeated. The two boys, now thirteen, were there as well egging Leroy on. Leroy rushed home as soon as everyone in the line got into the movie and posted his pictures to the web. He was pleased with his work and was excited to return the next night to continue his campaign of shame against the army of Satan.

Last night, Leroy returned with sign and camera. He positioned himself across the street from the Grand Theater and waited. Thirty minutes later people started arriving.
“Smile, You’re on Hell’s Camera!” Leroy shouted as he snapped picture after picture.
The Constable was absent. That fact surprised Leroy. Leroy was also surprised to see so many children in the line that evening.

“Can you believe it?” Leroy said to his two delinquent supporters who returned to see what Leroy was up to. “Have those sinners no shame? Look how they take their children into that movie!”

Ten minutes later the Constable arrived by bike. 

“Leroy, what are you doing here tonight?” he demanded. He was short of breath and dripped with sweat. You could tell he had rushed to get there.

“You know what I’m doing Sheriff,” Leroy answered. “I’m trying to save those innocent children from the flames of Hell because you and I know the Devil will get into their minds after seeing that movie.”

The Constable looked confused and surprised. He motioned the two boys away. They hopped atop their skateboards and clickity clacked down the sidewalk. Turning back to Leroy the Constable asked, “What Movie?!”

“Eclipse!” Leroy shouted back, giving the Constable a look of unbelief. He knew the village Constable was a bit slow at times but tonight he seemed as thick as an “Over the Top” milkshake from the Dairy Queen.

“Leroy, Eclipse isn’t playing tonight,” the constable said with a better look of disbelief than Leroy could muster. “The Grand is playing Toy Story 3 tonight. Eclipse played for one night only last night as a special showing. It don’t open on a regular basis until next week YOU IDIOT!”

Leroy had to stoop down to pick his jaw up off the sidewalk after hearing the Constable's words. He’d just made a fool out of himself.

“Get outta here!” the Constable ordered. An order Leroy didn’t question.

Leroy spent today licking his wounds. The battle of against sin had given him a lickin but he knew he had what it took to come back tickin. His crusade to save the souls of Cloverdale’s citizens would continue when Eclipse opened for its regular run. Until then, Leroy thought it best to enjoy a drink at the Hairy Lemon with a few friends. I passed him on the street as I was heading home from the Train Station.

Yes, its just another day in Cloverdale.....

1 comment:

  1. Huh...he wouldn't happen to have protester friends in SLC?