Thursday, July 2, 2009

Winston Wonka and the Golden Tickets

The Pinewood Forrest descends down from the Black Mountains like a colossal evergreen ribbon whose ends touch the outer roads ringing the village of Cloverdale in the Confederacy of Dunces. Deep in the Forrest, and out of sight from prying eyes, rises the buildings of the Wonka Tobacco Works. It’s proprietor, Winston Wonka, is the brother of Willy Wonka - the world renown confectioner. Willy grew up with an ambition to create fine candies and chocolates. Winston, on the other hand, took great delight in tobacco, which led to his ambition to create exquisite tobacco products from the finest tobacco gown in the world.

Winston rarely leaves his factory and, like his brother, finds solace in the company of his employees. He regards them as his kinsman. This close knit community is a village unto itself with its own stores, church, theater and parks. All Wonken (as the employees are referred to in official Wonka company documents) are allocated small apartments complete with gardens. This community becomes their world. It is where they live, are educated, grow up, marry, work, retire and die. The Wonken understand they are free to leave anytime. Winston Wonka reminds all who work in his Tobacco works that the factory gates will always open out but rarely open in. If a Wonken leaves, he leaves for life. Winston places great importance to a Wonken’s faithfulness to him, and the secrets of his unique tobacco blends used in his cigars, cigarettes and snuff.

Wonka Tobacco is imported to the Confederacy from all parts of the world by ship. A special rail line and train called Wonka Rail carries the precious commodity from Tamworth on Tide to the Wonka Works daily. The train is emptied and reloaded with finished tobacco products to be taken by Wonka Rail back to the Port for export. Tobacco for local consumption is carried by another Wonka train to Cloverdale and then on to Capital City for nationwide distribution.

Wonka Rail is also used by brother Willy to ship his confections from his factory in Capital City to Tamworth on Tide for export. The brothers share the expenses of running their own rail service. They would have it no other way.

There are rumors spoken in the pubs frequented by Wonka Rail Employees that Willy’s famous Golden Ticket scheme may be duplicated by brother Winston in an attempt to provide some transparency to the closed hermit like world which exists at the Wonka Tobacco Works. According to a not to be mention Wonka source, golden tickets will soon be placed in six Wonka Imperials Cigarette packages entitling the lucky winners to a vip tour of the Wonka Tobacco Works and lunch with Winston Wonka himself.

Our readers may sleep well knowing that news of such a scheme will be announced first over the Dunce News Service. Tobacco shops carrying the Wonka brand are already clearing extra shelf space as they anticipate an imminent announcement from Cloverdale.

Francis Fickle, Minister of Health and Asylums urges all parents within the Confederacy to talk to their children about the dangers of smoking. It is feared this possible Wonka scheme may encourage the weak minded and young to take up smoking.
“We most strongly urge parents to warn their children that smoking is hazardous to their health and may cause cancer and other deadly diseases.” Minister Francis Fickle stated in a recent interview for Coverdale Weekend Television. “Accordingly I’ve requested an audience with Winston Wonka to discuss this possible Golden Ticket scheme and to urge him, with great persuasion if necessary, to drop this promotion in favor of placing stronger warning labels on all Wonka products. Our calls have not been returned but we are hopeful.”

The Wonka Tobacco Works has scheduled a special announcement to be carried live by WonkaVision Tuesday next. It is anticipated the Golden Ticket Scheme will commence at that time.

Stay tuned for upcoming reports.

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