Mary Gold Whiffle, Cloverdale's Brilliant Delinquent Mind

Last night little Mary Gold Whiffle was caught stealing flowers from the Desmond’s back yard at 24 Elm in Cloverdale.

“I didn’t steal any flowers,” Mary Gold said while being questioned in the Police Station's interrogation room.

“That’s because you were caught before you could!” the Constable interrupted. Mary Gold’s face turned sour. She wiped away the newly formed tears from the corner of each eye and stared coldly at the officer.

“Took ya long enough to catch me,” she said without blinking an eye. “I thought I’d get away with it all summer long. Aw well, ya win some and ya lose some.”

“Matt Desmond put the fear into you with his gun didn’t he?” The Constable said as he sat back in his chair and looked through the window to see if Mary Gold’s parents had arrived.

“I wasn’t expecting a gun. I suppose it wasn’t loaded?” she asked.
“No, it wasn’t. You could have gotten away with it again. Lets see, how many flower patches have you plundered this year alone?”

“As I said before. Ya win some and ya lose some.” Mary Gold reached into her little unicorn purse and took out a piece of Double Bubble Chewing Gum. “You don’t mind if I chew do you Chief?”

“Knock yourself out,” the officer responded. Mary unwrapped the gum, put it into her mouth and tossed the wrapper into the trash on the opposite side of the room.

“One question Mary Gold,” the officer asked after an uncomfortably long pause of watching her chew her gum.
“Shoot,” Mary Gold answered while attempting to blow a bubble.
“Why?”
“Ah, now that’s the question isn’t it?” Mary thought for a moment as she studied the Constable’s face. He thought she was looking for someone that would appreciate the workings of her criminal juvenile mind.
“Why did I steal flowers from the best homes in the village? Well here it is. I have this side business going at school. I act the part of little miss perfect. You know the kind, always laughing at the teacher’s jokes, always saying please and thank you, always helping the teacher whenever possible, always getting the highest marks and ALWAYS bringing FLOWERS to the teachers and Head Mistress.”

“Teacher’s Pet?” the Constable said to shorten the length of the tale.

“Got it in one,” Mary Gold responded. “Now the real bad kids in school need someone like me who sleeps in both camps, using a figure of speech here I hope you will appreciate,” she said looking for some form of acknowledgement from the Constable. She got none, and continued. “So, for a certain amount of money and a whole lot of attention from the ‘bad boys‘ I vouch for them whenever they got into trouble.”

“And how do you do that?” the Constable asked.

“Well, lets say that Tommy Miller wanted to kick the chair out from under Toby Mackey because Toby leans back all the time and sits right in front of Tommy. Tommy tells me ahead of time so I’m ready when the time comes. Toby leans back, Tommy leans forward from his desk and kicks out the chair. Toby hits the ground and starts to cry. The teacher blames Tommy because everyone knows Tommy is a bully.”

“And you step up and tell the teacher that it was an accident and Tommy had nothing to do with it,” the Constable said moving the story along.

“And again you got it in one,” Mary Gold proudly replied. “Tommy is off the hook and I get a couple bucks for my effort.”
Mary motioned the Officer to bring his head closer to hers. She leaned forward and whispered, “It keeps me in gum. I’ve got a nasty habit. I’m my dentist’s best customer.” Mary Gold laughed while unwrapping another stick of Double Bubble.

“Ah, your parent’s have finally arrived. I’ll want you to tell them exactly what you told me,” the Constable said while standing.

“No, I told you and no one else. My parents will get another story. The sad story of a little girl who loved her mother and wanted to give her flowers and couldn't resist the temptation.”

“But that isn’t the truth Mary Gold.”

“The truth is what I say it is. Who’s not going to believe me? I’m Mary Gold Whiffle.”

“You’ve been stealing flowers from one end of the village to the other," the Constable warned. "One day you’ll be caught again Mary Gold and then your perfect world will come crashing down. Now get up and let’s meet your parents at the front desk.”

Mary Gold stood up, took the gum from her mouth and stuck it under the desk in the interrogation room. She stopped at the door for a moment to partly blow her nose to produce drainage. This would give her mother something to wipe away with her handkerchief and thus producing sympathy. Mary Gold squinted forcefully in a struggle to produce a few tears, all to complete the charade.

Mary Gold was going home, after a "Feel Better Stop" and the Moss Wonderland Bakery.

Cloverdale Weekend Television: Songs of Praise: Sing A Long. "The Lord is My Shepard"

Clovershire Weather:

Abundant sunshine fills the Clover Valley for the greater part of the day. Clouds in the A.M. clearing in the P.M. Temperatures are expected cooler , then warming as the clouds thin. Beautiful weather all in all making this Sunday a delight.

On today's Songs of Praise, An Anglican "The Lord is my Shepard".
Songs of Praise is brought to you by Cloverdale's Council of Churches. A Happy Sabbath Day to all!

Cloverdale's Newest Junior Firefighters.

Millbank Clauson and Coleman Larsen. New Junior Firefighters

Millbank Clauson and Coleman Larsen are Clovershire Fire Brigade’s newest Junior Firefighters. Both successfully passed their fire safety training and received their certificates in a ceremony last month at the Annual Fire Brigade’s Breakfast served at the Fire Station on the River Road in Cloverdale.

The boys are students at Cloverdale Middle School.
“They are my students,” said Miss Teacle, the boy's English teacher. Although unable to provide information on the boy’s character and academic qualifications, Miss Teacle was quick to point out that not knowing much about the boys was a good thing.
"They're trouble makers if I know them by name. I know the delinquents by name. You never forget them,” she said while fussing over a cup of coffee in the teacher’s lounge.

Millbank and Coleman have the Right Stuff, according to Coyden Ottley, Captain of the Shire’s Volunteer Fire Service. When asked to define ‘Right Stuff‘ Capt. Coyden said that each boy had a bicycle that could be refit with a fire hose and two fire extinguishers.
“All Junior Fighters must have the proper equipment to become first responders. That means a FireBike. They are trained to handle small fires that require a quick squirt from an extinguisher. They can also attach a hose to a hydrant but have instructions not to turn on the hydrant until the Brigade arrives.”

Coleman's Right Stuff Bike, Ready for Duty

Members of the Junior Firefighters provide demonstrations on proper home fire fighting techniques. They are trained to teach basic ‘Stop, Drop and Roll’ and the proper use of an extinguisher. The educational outreach program has been successful except for a minor incident two weeks ago when Millbank accident discharged a fire extinguisher into the face of the Primary School’s Head Mistress. Millbank is a hero to the students and banned from stepping foot into the school again by order of the Head Mistress. Coyden issued a formal apology which will be read once the eye patches are removed from the headmistress’ eyes.

Noah Butler, Potential Arsonist

Coleman received his first call as a Junior Firefighter two weeks ago. Seven year old Noah Butler was seen playing with matches in the family garage. His mother called the Brigade and Coleman was dispatched by bike. Noah’s mother flagged Coleman down before he got to the house.
“He’s still in there lighting matches. I didn’t stop him because I want you to do it. He needs to learn a lesson.” She explained. They both crept up to the side of the garage and unwound the garden house. Mrs. Butler handed Coleman the end of the hose equipped with the PowerBlaster 9000 garden nozzle, a nozzle powerful enough to shoot the feathers off a bird at 20 yards.

Coleman positioned himself near the garage. He braced himself, ready to handle a hose under extreme pressure. He shot the ‘Thumbs Up‘ to Mrs. Butler. She opened the valve and release the fury. Coleman jumped into the door frame and aimed the sharp stream of ice water into Noah's chest. Several seconds of screaming later Mrs. Butler shut off the flow. The hose went limp. Noah was found partly clothed behind a disturbed trash can. The force of the water left him naked except for a pair of cotton boxers and one sock. From his expression, Mrs. Butler assumed the lesson was learned.

The citizens of Cloverdale want to congratulate Coleman and Millbank on their accomplishments and urge all citizens to support them in their endeavours to make our village a safe and happy place.

Cloverdale Weekend Television. Songs of Praise. Amazing Grace, I Am Set Free

The Weather in Clovershire.

The Shire dries after a day of rain with more rain descending late in the evening. This leaves partly sunny and less turbulent skies for most of the day with temperatures mild and winds calm. A promising day is expected for your Sunday.

Songs of Praise is brought to you by Cloverdale's Churches urging you to give God one day in seven. Meet your neighbors and friends today at one of Cloverdale's many houses of worship.

Dr. Sabar and His Quest for NEO's.

Dr. Carl Saber

Carl Saber is the Director of Cloverdale Community College’s Rooftop Observatory. In addition to his duties in the observatory on the roof of the PE building, he teaches beginning physics to the first year students. Many of his students volunteer several evenings per month in the observatory, using the school’s twelve inch reflector to help Carl with his research on Near Earth Objects or NEO’s.

Cloverdale Community College's Rooftop Observatory

Dr. Saber received a grant of $3000 from the Confederacy Aeronautics and Space Ministry (CASM) to find objects in space that could pose a threat to Earth. In his application for the grant, Dr. Saber impressed the judges panel with his stern warning of impending doom if any unfriendly NEO encounters Earth.

“Such an incident would cause mass panic and confusion. Rioting would be expected and acts of civil disobedience would turn the peaceful streets of the Confederacy into avenues of blood!”

Dr. Saber continued by describing NEO visitations in ancient times and how their appearance affected the planet's biological history. In his slide show he included a picture of dinosaurs, to give one the impression he was referring to the mass extinction of dinosaurs millions of years ago when a large asteroid hit Earth just off the coast of Mexico. What he didn't say was his belief that aliens visited the planet and brought dinosaurs with them, thus making all species of dinosaurs alien in origin.

“It’s only a matter of time before more NEO’s arrive and change human history forever. We cannot sit idly by and let this happen. We must locate these unwelcome guests into our solar system and find ways to protect ourselves from their influence,” he wrote in his grant summation.

The panel was moved by his paper and released the money with a statement urging him to find NEO’s “for the safety of all mankind”.

In a press conference, CASM’s director announced the award, telling the Confederacy’s population that his agency was taking decisive steps to locate all Near Earth Objects in hopes of preventing Earth impacts. When asked for the definition of Near Earth Objects, the director replied,

“Near Earth Objects are comets and asteroids with a mass great enough to cause a partial to complete extinction of life on Earth.”

Many in the audience applauded the Director’s decision to spend tax dollars on such a noble endeavour. It was the Director’s greatest accomplishment for the year. He stood proud with his chest out and chin tilted upward for photographs.

What the director didn’t know was Dr. Saber’s definition of NEO’s. You see, Dr. Saber’s is the President of Cloverdale’s “Close Encounter’s Club”. The CEC is an organization made of those who claim to have survived close encounters of the third kind (actual encounters with an aliens from another planet). Dr. Saber skillfully manipulated the wording of his grant to give the judges the impression he and his students would be searching for asteroids and comets whose orbits cross Earth’s; when in reality he was planning to use the money and the school’s telescope in a search for UFO’s.

“Aren’t unidentified flying objects actually near Earth objects as well?” he explained to his 2:00 P.M. beginning physics class in an attempt to justify his deception. Those not texting or tweeting nodded in agreement. “Well, our job is to keep this misunderstanding with CASM ‘A Misunderstanding’ . Right?” he asked his students while tapping his forefinger against the right side of his nose, the international signal of secret keepers.
“Now to change the subject, anyone in this class interested in taking tonight’s watch in the observatory?”

“Me,” shouted Scott Simmons. Everyone turned to look at the star of the community colleges regularly defeated basketball team.
“What I meant to say was that Susan and I will take tonight’s watch,” he continued. Susan smiled and blew him a kiss from across the room. Everyone knew Scott and Susan were an item. Everyone that is except Dr. Saber. Everyone also knew that neither of them had any intention of using the telescope or searching the night sky for UFO’s or NEO’s or anything else. They were planning on doing research of another kind.

“Excellent!” Dr. Saber announced. “Now that’s the kind of dedication to our cause I’m looking for.”

Of course, no one expects the college or CASM to discover Dr. Saber's deception. How often are real NEO’s discovered by Earth’s best astronomers using the planet's best telescopes? The answer is - rarely.

Everyone wins with this this grant. CASM receives great press at a good price. Dr. Saber get’s his UFO research funded by the government and many of the college’s student get a nice quiet place to get to know each other.

Life continues here in Cloverdale, our community of the bewildered on the banks of the Clover River in Clovershire.