Monica Ragland Graduates

From My Flat on Wit's End
Cloverdale

Hello Friends,
I'd like to introduce you to my neighbor twice down. Her name is Monica Ragland. She graduated from Cloverdale's Comprehensive School at the end of May. Her graduation announcement was delivered to my home yesterday by our Adequate Just Postal Service. She addressed it to my home in Utah. An innocent mistake considering I spend five days out of seven there. Unfortunately, the US Post Office redirected the letter back to my flat here in Cloverdale. The announcement and I must have passed each other twice in our journeys.

I opened the letter at the kitchen table. Her picture fell from the envelop and landed face up. I was puzzled by her choice of backdrop and pose. It just didn't look right. Most seniors are ridiculously posed in front of something natural in the senior pictures. Some photographers urge them to take their pictures from odd to bizarre by having another image of them super impose onto the left or right quadrant of the photo.

In my opinion, the goal of a senior picture is to make the graduating student look cool and grown up. Monica's senior pictures failed on both counts. Her photos make her look strangely religious and pious. Odd for someone with the reputation of being on the wild side. Monica was known to stay out past 11:00 P.M. Last year I overheard a few teens near the gumball machines at the Piggly Wiggly say they'd seen her in the park holding hands with a local boy known for always getting a good night kiss on the first date! You can see why so many questioned her morals and values.

I called Monica to congratulate her for graduating and explain why my congratulations came so late.

"Monica, I hope you don't take this wrong, but your graduation picture is different than most," I said, hoping not to put her on the defensive.

There was a short pause. "Haven't you heard?" she questioned. I'm accepted into the Convent of the Sisters of Ever Increasing Hope at Saint Bartholomew's. I'm going to be a nun!"

"A Nun!" You could have picked my jaw up from the floor. I stumbled to the sink to pour a glass of water wanting to stabilized the shock ebbing from the top of my head to the tip of my toes.

"I enter the convent in August. I'll pray for you Mr. Williamson," her voice was calm, assuring me her decision to abandon the world of the living was what she really wanted.

"Yes please do. I need all the help I can get," I laughed. She didn't. There was a long, uncomfortable pause.

"I know you do Mr. Williamson. There is help for you Mormons. I believe faith can move mountains!" I thought offense would be the next feeling to cross my mind, followed by anger. It wasn't.

"Ah, thanks Monica," I said, realizing I was starting to feel a form of gratitude for her concern.

We spoke for several more minutes and then hung up. I went back to my chair in the front room thinking how lucky I was to have a future nun for an acquaintance, you know, just in case I get to the other side and find myself in a very unexpected Purgatory.

Monica was my Faith Insurance.

Well, its time for bed. It is 11:20 P.M. Cloverdale time. Cloverdale Weekend Television is showing reruns of "Are You Being Served" from the BBC in England. I love the show but watching the Staff of Grace Brother's Gentleman and Woman's Departments working in the department store's Toy Department for the tenth time is enough.

I'm gone.

Victor

Cloverdale's Dr. Doolittle

Andrew with Polly and Pollyanna (before the accident)

Hello Friends,
I'm in for a real treat tonight. Cloverdale's very own Dr. Doolittle (his real name is Abner Leggins) will be performing tonight at 7:00 P.M. in the village library's main gallery and I have tickets! I found them at the bottom of my grocery bag on Saturday when I made that hot trek to the Piggly Wiggly.

Why would anyone want to purchase their groceries anywhere but the Pig? Piggly Wiggly has Cloverdale's widest selection of foods at reasonable prices. Its Video Emporium has the largest selection of DVD's and video tapes in the village and, as if that wasn't enough, the Pig has the village's largest assortment of kiddie motorized sidewalk machines (like the bucking bronco and the space rocket that holds two!). But wait, there's more; you get S&H Green Stamps with every purchase, and apparently you get free library special event tickets dropped right in your bag at checkout.

Abner Leggins day job is bagging groceries at the Pig. In the evenings, Abner takes his animal show on the road, performing at birthday parties and other special events. His ensemble is made up of a poodle named Larry and two parrots, Polly and Pollyanna. Its a regular one man, three animal circus. Abner talks and the animals do tricks.

Business has been slow lately on account of a serious mishap a year ago during Ann Wobbles 8th birthday party. Little Ann wanted to pet Larry. When Abner wasn't looking she reached her hand into his cage. Larry snapped at her. Ann's screaming startled the parrots. It was pure mayhem in the living room. The spooked parrots flew around the living room attacking the children as they scurried for cover. To those watching through the front room window it would have looked like a scene from Alfred Hitchcock's thriller The Birds.

Tonight is Abner's second attempt to draw a crowd at the library. It's difficult to get people to come see the show when the village's constable requires everyone attending to wear a hat of some kind - preferable a motorcycle or bike helmet - just in case Polly and Pollyanna have another meltdown. The police warning is printed in bold letters on the back of every ticket.

I have my baseball cap in hand and ready for the show. I like Abner and want to help him get back on his feet. He has a good personality and never smashes my bread or breaks the eggs when he bags my groceries. I want to reward such skill and devotion to duty
.
I encourage everyone reading to come to the show. Again, it is at the library at 7:00 P.M.

Victor

Clovershire Weather and Cloverdale Weekend Television's Songs of Praise

Coverdale Weather.

A day trip to Tamworth on Tide or the Lake of Sorrows may be the only relief Clovershire residents can find from this oppressive heat wave. Expect crowded trains to the coast and book your day trip tickets early. With no rain in the forecast for the next five days and temperatures reaching record highs the Shire health department encourages you to drink plenty of water and stay indoors . Reduce physical activity to early morning and after sunset. Think of cooler temperatures and Autumn leaves, for this to shall pass.

Today on Cloverdale Weekend Television's Songs of Praise, enjoy Libera singing "Gloria" from California's Crystal Cathedral in Orange County.
Cloverdale's Council of Churches encourages you to attend one of the village's houses of worship. Please call Cloverdale 4365 for more information on Sunday services, times and locations.

My Walk on a Hot Cloverdale Day.

Hello Friends,
It's hotter than Hades in Cloverdale today. The clouds themselves disappeared in search for shade. It may not be hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk but I dare you to walk across that same sidewalk barefoot. Your frantic hopping about would amuse anyone passing by.

I thought to walk along the canal and then cut over the field to the Piggly Wiggly for a few groceries. When the cupboards are bare one does what one must do to eat, even if it means braving this blast furnace of a July day. I don't have a car in Cloverdale. I leave my Lincoln Battlestar Town Car in the Other World when I come here for the weekends on the Coastal Express. Everything I need is within walking distance. There are, however, a few times when a car would be a Godsend (like today). I'm hoping my frozen food still carries a chill by the time I get it home and in the freezer.

The air was warm and scented by lilac's growing along the canal. I walked slowly, there was no rush. In fact, rushing is outlawed in Cloverdale. Newcomers to the village are surprise when locals stop them in their scurry and tell them to "Slow Down. Life's too short."

I took a round about way to the store, wanting to stop for a sticky bun and ice cold milk at the Moss Wonderland Bakery. The shop was busy with villagers making their bakery purchases for the weekend. I sat on one of the outside tables to eat my second breakfast and was soon joined by Vanessa Bleech, local school teacher and connoisseur of fine cream puffs. We spoke of the weather and the lack of rain. She carried the rest of the conversation, directing it toward school and teaching in general. I stopped her half way through her description of her last year's class and excused myself. She nodded, giving me permission to take my leave. I was happy to be on my way. I glanced back and saw that she had changed tables and was entertaining the grumpy Boot's Chemist. He looked like a trapped animal cornered by a Blabberbeast.

In passing I stopped to read the outside bulletin board on the lawn of St. Bartholomew's Church. It made me laugh. It read

St. Bartholomew's Catholic Church
Cloverdale, Clovershire

Monday: Abused Feelings Support Group
Tuesday: Alcoholics Anonymous
Wednesday: Eating Disorders
Thursday: Say No to Drugs
Friday: Bankruptcy Support and Counseling
Saturday: Soup Kitchen
Sunday Services: 9:00 A.M. This Week's Sermon: Cloverdale's Joyous Future!

Sister Elizabeth Mary Catherine Teresa, Host of You Are Sin.

Another sign was taped to the bottom of the Notice Board advertising Sister Elizabeth Mary Catherine Teresa, Mother Superior of the Convent of the Sisters of Ever Increasing Hope's weekly television show 'You Are Sin' on Cloverdale Weekend Television every Sunday morning at 10:00 AM

This Week on
You Are Sin
Hosted by Sister Elizabeth Mary Catherine Teresa

TEXTING
THE VEHICLE OF VOICELESS FILTH

Yes, I'll be sure to tune in for that!


To make a long story short, I made it to the Piggly Wiggly, bought my groceries and got home before my ice cream completely melted. Mind you, I nearly suffered from heat stroke in my haste. I'm resting now with computer on lap and enjoying the breeze stirred up by my small electric fan. Perhaps I'll go out later tonight. There should be local music at the Kicking Donkey. If you're in town, stop by and say hello.

Victor

Garth Gibbon's Seventh Birthday Party

The Photograph from the Birthday Invitations Sent to Garth's Friends
Inviting Them to His Seventh Birthday Party.

Garth “007” Gibbons Celebrates Seventh Birthday.
Taken From Cloverdale’s Weekly Newspaper: The Confederacy Times
Cloverdale (News)

Garth Gibbons, or "007" as he prefers to be called, celebrated his seventh birthday last Friday at the Assisted Living Home of Floyd Gibbons, his grandfather and resident of the Nearly There Home for the Elderly and Infirmed. The Home's Director allowed the Gibbons exclusive use of the therapy pool and hot tub for a surprisingly large rental fee gladly paid by Floyd and many of the other male residents of the Home.

“The boy loves James Bond and has all the movies,” Floyd said of his grandson. “Course, I’m not so sure if isn’t the beautiful women Garth is more attracted to than James Bond himself, if the boy is anything like his granddad!”

Floyd contact a modelling agency in Capital City and hired their top models to be on hand to “decorate” the party and give it that 'James Bond' look. Games of chance were set up poolside so Garth and his friends could experience the life of a playboy at a Monte Carlo Casino. The boys gambled for prizes and candy using fake money. Each of boys were also issued water pistols at the pool gate, just in case Jame's arch Nemesis, Toothless Floyd, crashed the party seeking revenge from James Bond for his hand in Thwarting his bank robbery in Paris the year before.

"The whole Toothless Floyd was my idea," Floyd Gibbons said during the interview for this article. He removed his upper denture to illustrate the reason by he chose to give himself the name 'Toothless Floyd".

The models arrived one hour early. Floyd’s Grandfather claimed it was a communication error on his part for not notifying the agency of a change in the party’s starting time.
“As long as you are here, why not take advantage of the pool and hot tub while you wait. We will cover the extra hour,” Floyd suggested to the Agency’s Director.

The models did not disappoint. Each wore the kind of swimwear one would expect for a James Bond event. The models made use of the pool while they waited. The Home’s gentlemen were poolside to ensure they were properly supervised and well cared for. The Home’s Director was shocked to later learn that champagne, and other alcoholic beverages, were smuggled onto the premises and served to the models poolside. Alcohol has always been a violation of the Home’s rules. The Home's Director later punished Floyd and his friends by taking away their after supper desserts for two weeks. Floyd later said the punishment was a small price to pay for the "feeling of being young again". Of course, the alcohol was removed when the children arrived and the real party started.

Little Garth and his friends said it was the best party ever. The attending boy’s dads were in complete agreement. Garth and his friends especially like it when his granddad and friends came shuffling out of the building carrying Water Cannon 300’s, the most powerful water pistols sold at Donaldson’s Department Store. Toothless Floyd and his gang of geriatric thugs and criminals attacked the boys, shooting them, and the models, with blasts of water in an attempt to take out the great James Bond himself. However Garth and his friends, with help from the models, fought back. In the end, the attack was thwarted and the old men lay on the concrete - dead by water blast. After several pictures were taken of the boys gloating over the bodies of their fallen arch enemies, the models helped the old men up from the concrete and escorted them to the deck chairs so they could enjoy the rest of the party and scenery.

It was a boy’s party never to be forgotten by the residents of the Cloverdale, and in particular, the male inmates of the Nearly There Home for the Elderly and Infirmed.