Yesterday Donaldson’s Department Store in Cloverdale issued an apology to the community for the shocking behavior of the store’s Santa Claus.
At 10:00 A.M. on December 1st Donaldson’s Department Store’s North Pole Village was scheduled to open to much fan fare and celebration. The Comprehensive School’s Choir was on hand to sing favorite Christmas carols. Confederacy Elementary School’s Sing a Thon winner from last year was there to perform an assortment of songs specially chosen by Donaldson’s marketing manager to encourage shoppers to spend copious amounts of money. Artificial snow was ready to fall from the ceiling. Arctic Pink flamingos lined the walkway to Santa’s North Pole Bungalow in the Toy Department (the store couldn’t find plastic reindeer so the pink flamingos were pulled from storage and given collars of tinsel).
At 10:15 A.M. the Lord Mayor was scheduled to step forward to cut the ribbon. At the very moment the ribbon was cut, Santa’s house was suppose to open by magic, revealing Santa in all his glory, sitting on a modified Lazeboy Recliner, watching ice hockey on his 45 inch HDTV (of course, all items on display in Santa’s house are on sale throughout the store), and shouting "Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas".
That is, if everything went according to schedule.
The sun rose on a very cold December 1st in Cloverdale. Parents and children braved the weather to gather at Donaldson's Department Store for the official start of the shopping season and to see Santa. At 10: 18 A.M. the mayor was handed a pair of enormous scissors. He tapped on the mic, cleared his voice, and spoke - using his “I’m more important than all of you” voice. The mayor retold the classic story ‘Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus’. At the end of the story, he wiped a politically correct tear from his eye, cleared his throat once again and said, "Yes Children, there is a Santa Claus and he is right here in Cloverdale wanting to talk to you!"
He cut the ribbon while the Comprehensive School Choir sang “All We Want for Christmas Is Our Two Front Teeth”. One of the boy sopranos on the front row (a late bloomer) held up a sign that announced the song was sponsored by the Drill and Fill Dentistry on the High Street. At the end of the song the choir shouted "Merry Christmas" and the house slowly parted revealing the jolly celebrity inside.
Gasps filled the toy department. Saint Nick lay sprawled out before them in his holiday recliner cuddling a bottle of peppermint schnapps. He was out cold and drunker than a skunk. Mothers covered their toddler’s eyes. One little boy called out, “I want some of that!” Another child commented on the similarities between Santa and her dad after a long day at the office. Several teenagers in the choir, along with their friends in the audience waiting to go 'hang out', started laughing loudly. Flash bulbs lit up the department as cameras recorded the horrific event for future lawsuits.
The manager ordered the house shut. He rushed to the mic and apologized for Santa’s inappropriate behavior. He told the children that Santa was suffering from swine flu and was very tired because of his medicine. He ordered extra fruit cake and hot chocolate for the upset crowd. One very angry little girl with a hand full of 3x5 cards detailing her Christmas gift wishes, hurled her piece of fruit cake at the North Pole house. The cake penetrated the false plastic wrapped windows. Other children joined in, some throwing their cake at Santa's house while others targeted the store's manager. The manager took refuge in the house. The police were called to restore order. The manager, along with a very tipsy Santa, was escorted safely off the premises.
Donaldson’s fired Santa Claus. He has taken up a new residence near the shopping cart return in Piggly Wiggly's parking lot - never far from his bottle of holiday cheer.
Poor Santa. Poor, Poor Santa.
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