Highlights of the Confederacy Harvest Fair & Festival

A Special Report
by Jaleta Clegg, roving reporter

This past week, all of the Confederacy was treated to the yearly spectacle known as the Harvest Fair & Festival. Held on Bowling Green, hundreds of Dunces gathered to ogle the best that the Confederacy has to offer.

Mrs. Davenport and Mrs. Ottoweiller enjoy a treat before the jelly judging.

The biggest upset came in the Jelly contest. Mrs. Livinia Davenport, 73, and Ms. Olga Ottoweiller, 74, have battled for the last sixty years to see who can make the best jelly. Mrs. Davenport’s strategy this year involved sizable bribes passed to the judges right before the tasting. Ms. Ottoweiller screamed “Foul!” and had to be restrained by her grandchildren. Her purse was confiscated by the authorities and classified as a deadly weapon. Both women were ousted by newcomer Tiffany Fweedicks, age 12, from Cloverdale Middle School, with her jar of “Hint of Elderberry Minted Fruit Jelly”. Mrs. Davenport and Ms. Ottoweiller were seen conspiring after the judging. “Bet that was a commercial jelly,” Mrs. Davenport muttered. “Not even true jelly. She had bits of fruit. More of a jam, if you ask me, which no one did. Little cheater. We’ll show her next year.” The two elderly women were last seen in a corner of Tubby Thompson’s Tea Emporium Tent. Tiffany Fweedicks was taken into protective custody by her aunts.

Mrs. Honoria Blakeley’s infamous “Half-Past Mass Berry Chocolate Parfaits to Make Sinners into Saints”

As the sun set over Bowling Green, the scent of baking floated across the fair as contestants scrambled to finish their entries in the Bake-Off. Hettie Toots of Strawberry Junction entered Berry Tarts, each one decorated to resemble one of the judges, if they were a berry and cream clown. The judges were not amused. Horace Haversack entered his prune tasties, for the fourteenth straight year. “Keeps me moving, regular like,” he explained as the judges sampled the misshapen blobs filled with dark brown sludge. “It would help if Horace discovered how to use sugar,” one judge whispered as they hurried to the next table. “And if his pastry weren’t the texture of wallboard,” a second judge agreed. Horace Haversack is very hard of hearing. He beamed brightly and waited for a ribbon that would never come.

Mrs. Honoria Blakely entered another of her gourmet concoctions. Mrs Blakely believes in the liberal use of spirits, both alcoholic and religious. The fumes from her Half-Past Mass Berry Chocolate Parfaits to Make Sinners into Saints knocked flies cold at thirty paces. One taste and the judges were definitely in a better mood. Three bites and they began regaling the audience with drinking songs not fit for young audiences. As they finished the parfaits, the judges were stumbling drunkenly. Perhaps that explains why Gumby Dodger of Dibley in the Dale won first prize for the dog biscuits he brought for his Great Dane, Hoobie.

First-place winner Gumby Dodger and his dog, Hoobie

The final contest of the evening was the watermelon carving contest. It was simple to judge since only one brave soul dared enter. Lester Pysogorski loves playing with knives and food. His piece, titled “Tropical Vacation on the Riviera”, brought home the blue ribbon. Lester has never been good at geography, although he can honestly claim to have the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Lester Pysogorski shows off his prize winning melon carving skills

Tune in soon for another update on the quilts, sewing, crafting, and animal contests!