Cloverdale's Gamers Have a New Home

Until now Cloverdale's gaming population had two options if they wanted to purchase a new game. They could order one online and wait for delivery (and the Confederacy Post isn't known for promptness), or visit Donaldson's Department Store's small video game department next to the televisions and cell phones. The department store's electronics purchaser is 53 year old Eunice Planter. She is of the opinion that most video games are a waste of a young person's time. She is especially vigilant in her civic responsibilities and believes violent video games can twist young fragile and perceptive minds into acts of violence.

Acting on her opinions, Miss Planter stocks Donaldson's two video game shelves with educational games which teach basic math, grammar and spelling. Sales are virtually non existent so she makes up for the short sales in video games by offering good prices on all other electronics.

Mark Savage, Owner of Savage's Gaming in Cloverdale at a Recent Gaming Conference at Tamworth on Tide.

Today there is rejoicing in the darkened bedrooms of Cloverdale's male population. Savages's Gaming opened its doors yesterday. Owner Mark Savage, a decorated veteran of several online military campaigns, invites everyone, both young and old, to visit his new store for their gaming needs. In addition to all the latest games, Savage's offers a gaming room at the back of the store for online gaming. For a modest fee and slighter higher than normal prices for Coke products, you can leave reality and enter Savage's world.

Cloverdale's Chamber of Commerce welcomes this new addition to the village, found on Station Road.

Tulip, Dead at 20

Tulip, Waiting for her Creamed Beef and Sausage Supper.
Gone, but not Forgotten

News Flash
From the Confederacy Times
Cloverdale

Cloverdale's oldest dog is dead at the age of twenty. Tulip passed away this morning while enjoying a warm bath at the Nearly There Home for the Elderly and Confused. She was the only canine resident of the home, rescued form the animal shelter and adopted as a pup twenty years ago by the Home's head cook.
"Dogs weren't allowed at the Home back then and that policy is in effect even to this day, except of course for Tulip," said the Home's administrator Milo Mortimor. "The cook kept Tulip in the kitchen, but occasionally she'd escape and make her way to the resident's rooms. Of course, when your knocking on death's door, any company is most welcome, especially a loving - although ghastly looking dog."

Tulip became a fixture at the Home and was loved by everyone. Her passing came as shock to the residents, many of whom were immediately sedated to keep their blood pressure under control. Grief councilors were brought in to work with the parish priest from St. Bartholomew and the Pastor from Cloverdale's Saved by Grace Lutheran Church to console the grieving old age pensioners.

"It was suggested we have Tulip stuffed," said Cory Crump, an orderly at the Home responsible for spills and general clean up. "She was invaluable when it came to giving some of the old ducks their sponge baths. Some of these folks don't take kindly to water. Having Tulip on hand calmed them down. They'd pet her while I cleaned them up. If we have her stuffed, they can still hold and pet her thus making my job much easier."

Mr. Crump's suggestion, although logical, is not under consideration by the Home's administration.

Tulip was a loving, buzzard of a dog that made life easier for the many fine folks of Cloverdale. A memorial will be held in the Home's Common Room on Saturday right after morning Bingo and the Noon medications.

Puddles Suffers from Celebrity Depression.

Puddles lives at 96 Elm Street Cloverdale. Puddles was recently selected to appear as June's Dog of the Month in “The Dogs of Cloverdale Calendar for 2011". Puddles was selected after having been featured as November's centerfold in "BowWow", the bi monthly magazine for Clovershire's Dog Enthusiasts.

Puddle’s owner, Miss Tulip Trump, hasn’t had a moment's peace since the magazine and calendar hit the train station's newstand and the book shop.

“That phone is a constant nuisance,” Miss Tulip said in an interview for Cloverdale Weekend Television. “People call for Puddles at least once or twice each day. I surely understand the stress of stardom. It is a lonely life - for Puddles and me. We can't go anywhere without being recognized. The village children all want to rub their sticky little hand's through Puddle's fur. Before this, I had a happy friendly dog. Now, I'm dealing with Puddle's depression. It hurts me so to see a once lively and vivacious dog cut down so cruelly by fame.”

On advice from her lawyer, Miss Trump canceled Puddle’s breeding matches, leaving the dog unsatisfied and lonely.

“Puddles suffers from chronic depression brought upon by sudden stardom and loneliness. I’d like to honor the matches but my lawyer says to hold out for higher breeding fees because, well you know, Puddles is in high demand,” Miss Tulip explained. “This lack of fulfillment, mixed with constant grooming and other scheduled photo shoots has put Puddles into a nasty gloom. Just last week, Puddles ran out into the road and was nearly run over by the milkman. I think it was a cry for help, most attempted suicides are.”

Puddles snorted, as if in agreement. Miss Tulip wiped a tear from her eye.

Puddles is currently taking a course of tranquilizers and spends much of the day semi conscious on the sofa.

We hope for the best for Puddles and Miss Tulip.

Cloverdale Nearly Buried in Snow. Temperatures Plunge. Catastrophe Averted Thanks to Community Spirit.

Cloverdale was blanketed with snow yesterday as a strong low pressure system moved in from the Sea of Sorrows. Walking down the High Street was especially treacherous. Several slips and falls were called in to the local emergency services. By 10:00 A.M. the ambulance was going out on regular calls. By 11:00 A.M. the village clinic was overwhelmed with several broken arms and sprains.


At Noon Cloverdale Weekend Television broadcast a public service announcement asking village residents not to venture outside unless it was necessary. The announcer asked those with snowmobiles to help with the collection of fallen residents. Minutes later several snowmobiles were heard moving through the village’s roads and lanes transporting the injured, lame and bleeding to the clinic.


The Mayor ordered the school’s closed right after lunch. Although his intentions were good, the resulting chaos was unforeseen. The village’s school buses were ill equipped to navigate deep snow and ice. The primary student’s bus from St. Bartholomew’s Catholic School slid off Clover Lane and into a large snow drift before making its first drop off. The students were ecstatic when they were told snowmobiles would cart them the rest of the way home.

The public school buses fared no better. One slid on icy pavement into a telephone pole. Several students were treated for bloody noses while they waited for another bus to take them the rest of the way home. Several local residents braved the high snow drifts to bring warm drinks and cookies to the stranded children. Eighty five year old Dana Cooper "The Conjurer", entertained them with magic tricks from the days when he performed on a regular basis at the Grand Theater in the 1950's. The children were delighted. Dana glowed from the attention and told the bus driver that the children's warm reception made him realize how much he missed the stage. His 92 year old agent announced this morning from the Nearly There Home for the Elderly and Senile that Dana Cooper is thinking of a come back tour of the local schools and senior citizen centers.

A Poster from Dana's Early Days.

Snow continued to fall well into the early hours of the night. Highway One to Dibley in the Downs was closed after reports of a large snowfall near the Dibley turnoff. The Coastal Express arrived at the train station 45 minutes late. The conductor received reports that the tracks ahead were snow covered and impassable. Over 120 passengers were left stranded. Many found accommodations in the village’s motels and guest houses. Others found rooms at the Kicking Donkey and Hairy Lemon Pubs. Still others found refuge in the Saved by Grace Lutheran Church’s Social Hall.

Today started with brilliant sunshine and warmer temperatures. It appears the worst is passed. The village will return to normal as soon as the snow plow is pulled from the mammoth snow drift on Elm Street.

A Message from Cloverdale's Council of Churches.

The Weather for Cloverdale and the Surrounding Communities.

Snow today. Perhaps a dusting in the valleys and heavier at times in the mountains. The cold stays with us like an unwanted guest with lows well below freezing. Dress warmly as you venture outside and drive carefully, roads will be slippery in spots.

Cloverdale's Council of Churches encourages you to attend the church of your choice today. The First United Methodist Church in Cloverdale will host a special showing of Jesus of Nazareth this afternoon after worship service. Come and meet your Methodist neighbors and be spiritually uplifted by this telling of the Holy Story.