Sammy Slips with the "S" Word

Sammy Smuthers is a seventh child of eight. The Smuthers live at 14 Dupont Circle in Cloverdale. He is a first grader at St. Bartholomew's Catholic School.

At lunch his best friend in the universe reached across the lunchroom table, took Sammy's jello dessert, and licked the whipped cream from the top. Sammy few into a rage. He jumped up, took the dish holding the soiled lime jello from his friend, scopped the jello out of the bowl with his hand and threw the quivering mass into his friend's face. That's when he shouted the "S" word.

Before you could say "Jesus wants me for a Sunbeam", two nuns appeared, each taking one of Sammy's arms to keep him from climbing over the table to finish dressing his "used to be best friend" in the remaining food from his lunch tray.

Sammy was escorted kicking and screaming to the Special Purposes Room, where all naughty children are put. For one hour Sammy was subjected to the quiet of the room interrupted by the occasional knock at the door and a nun asking if he'd repented of his sins. If the answer was no, the door was relocked. If the answer was yes, then he'd be released to rejoin his class.

"Yes," Sammy answered on the first knock. He didn't like the Special Purposes Room. The picture of Jesus near the door with an open heart surrounded by barbed wire freaked him out.

Sister Evelyn knelt in front him and explained that calling someone "Stupid" was forbidden at St. Bartholomew's.
"It's a terrible word Sammy. Promise me you'll never say it again?" she asked.

Sammy broke into tears. It was all too much for a six year old to handle. Between sobs he promised to be a good boy and never use the "S" word again. Sammy returned to class.

Later that day Sammy told his mother what had happened. She gave him a hug and told him that if someone had licked the whipped cream off her jello she would have given him a black eye.

Sammy got a double helping of jello for dessert that evening.
"Here," his mother said handing him the can of whipped cream. "Go ahead and do it yourself. You deserve it."

Sammy pushed down on the long plastic top releasing a stream of fluffy topping onto his jello. He stopped when all signs of the jello disappeared under a blanket of white.

It was a perfect ending to a truly horrible day.

Prilla Salvo Remembers the Shire's Lavender Hills.

Prilla Salvo sits on a sidewalk outside a Dunkin Donuts in some cold industrial city in the heartland of America. Prilla hopes to scrape together enough money to purchase the train fare for a one ticket back to the Confederacy and her home in Cloverdale.

Prilla is a graduate of Clovershire's schools and university. She studied maths, sciences and modern living from the University at Tamworth on Tide. She graduated with honors. One year later she received her teaching certificate from the Ministry of Education. Instead of taking a position at the Comprehensive School in Cloverdale, Prilla removed her savings from the Bank, packed her belongings, bid her parents farewell and bought a one way ticket on the Coastal Express for the world outside the Confederacy. She was bound for the world she had studied and grown to love in her university studies.

The Outside World wasn't kind to Prilla. Prilla quickly discovered that the Outside World didn't value the qualities of oddness and uniqueness like the Confederacy. Her unique dress and flamboyant attitude toward science education was laughed at by many and feared by some. The principal of her school, after meeting with a parent's committee, dismissed her.
"This isn't Hogwarts," was his reason. Prilla didn't know what Hogwart's was.

Prilla sent a telegraph to her parents in Cloverdale asking for help in returning home. They sent what they could. What they sent was just enough to keep her in her one room apartment while she looked for work as a tutor. Hopefully with enough clients, she'd raise the money and return to the only place that would appreciate her talents with children and her love of science and math.

Until then, she waits for clients on the concrete sidewalks of a city known for its many shades of gray. Perhaps you kind readers in the Outside World will take pity on someone that resembles a fish out of water and help.

Daphanie Droop. A Silent Sufferer of GumB.

Daphanie Droop is a student at St. Bartholomew's Catholic School in Cloverdale. She is the eldest daughter of Eldon and Espa Droop of 253 Maple Lane, a quaint little cottage at the end of the lane surrounded with a pink picket fence and two large willow trees.

Daphanie suffers from Gumtidus Bushalocus, a condition that makes her cringe at the thought of putting anything on her gums. The thought of brushing her teeth makes her violently ill. The thought of flossing can lead to unconsciousness.

People who suffer from GumB live lonely lives. It is difficult for them to get close to people because of ever present halitosis. They keep people at arms length. If its absolutely necessary to talk to a nearby person, they speak with their hand cupped over their mouth to direct exhaled air downwards and not into the face of the person within their comfort zone.

Daphanie has learned how to live with GumB thanks to the group therapy offered at Cloverdale's Clinic. Using role playing techniques, Daphanie learned how to tell people about her condition and caution them, in an unfrightening way, to stand far enough away not be caught unawares by sudden unpleasant smells. Daphanie also learned to keep a tube of toothpaste on hand at all times for sudden proximity situations.

Daphanie used her toothpaste today in her "Catholic Teen Living" class. She and the boy at the end of the third row were asked to demonstrate the proper technique for teen intimacy. They were to perform a Catholic Close Encounter of the Second Kind. They were to stand close to each other and hold hands. The boy at the end of the row volunteered when he discovered Daphanie was the female in the demonstration. Daphanie knew of his interest but, because of her condition, shied away from contact. Today however, when she saw his name on board with a "?" beside it, she grabbed the dry erase marker before anyone else noticed and wrote her name. She knew her therapist would be proud of her. He has worked for months to get her to the point where she could feel comfortable being near a boy she liked.

There is a happy ending to our story. What Daphanie didn't know was that the boy at the end of the third row was also a sufferer of GumB. Minutes before their demonstration, they both gelled up with the toothpaste of their choice. At twelve past two in the afternoon they were called to the front of the class. One stood on Sister Mary Elizabeth's right and the other on her left. On Sister Mary's signal their hands found each other.

The rest, as they say, is history.

Carnation's Caffeinated Milk. Banned in Cloverdale's Schools

Cloverdale's School Council passed a resolution during it's public input meeting urging the village's markets to discontinue the sale of Caffeinated Milk.
"Our kids are coming to school wired for destruction. Teachers are finding it nearly impossible to keep them in their seats," said the Council President in his opening remarks.

Carnation introduced Caffeinated Instant Milk six months ago. The television commercial which ran on Cloverdale Weekend Television featured several of the villages teens struggling to get out of bed and ready for school. The next scene shows them sitting down to their sugar cereal and Caffeinated Instant Milk. The final scene shows them wide away and engaging their parents in meaningful conversation before kissing their mothers goodbye and boarding the school bus. The ad campaign was successful and sales skyrocketed.

The district nurse spoke before the Council. "These kids are getting hugh doses of caffeine before leaving home. They are then stopping at the PiggyMart or other convenience store and buying Red Bull and other energy drinks. By the time they get to school their blood pressure is spiking and they can't focus."

Several "here here's" were heard from the teachers sitting in the metal folding chairs at the back of the meeting room. The nurse paused for dramatic effect before continuing.

"Today we have a village of caffeine addicts. Why? Is it because of the caffeinated milk? Yes, but what you parents don't know is that this same drugged milk is being used to make caffeinated ice cream!" The nurse empathised the words Ice Cream by raising her finger toward the fluttering fluorescent light above her.

Audible gasps were heard from every part of the room. The manager of Piggly Wiggly's Dairy Department sunk lower into his chair. Joining him near the floor was the owner of Cloverdale's Dairy Queen.

"What I'm about to show you may be troubling. Consider that a fair warning," the nurse said as she motioned for the dimming of the halls lights. She switched on the slide projector and waited as the President of the Council stood to lower the movie screen suspended from the ceiling above.

"This child is a drug addict. Addicted to the caffeine in his ice cream. Ice cream legally available at none other than our very own Dairy Queen!"

The Widow Johnson rose from the fifth row. "For Shame!" she shouted. Others stood in support of her statement, except for the Noah Plop. He stood to gracefully leave. He'd accidentally wandered into the meeting thinking it was Bingo night.

"Look at this poor boy. So addicted he tried to get his caffeine fix off the plastic display outside the store." She paused and motioned for a man and woman to stand. "These are the boy's parents. If needed I'll call on them to share the horror of living through their son's withdrawal, Tragic."

She clicked the remote control, advancing the carousel to the next slide.

"This is Timmy Johnson enjoying his third caffeinated ice cream cone during a ball game last summer. He was so hyper he couldn't bat. It cost his team the win. He's had to live with the shame ever since. There are many stories similar to these. Some have happy endings while others haven't found their endings - and won't unless the village bans the sale of this product from our shops and restaurants. I urge immediate action!"

The nurse sat while others gave her a thunderous standing ovation.

The Council voted to ban caffeinated milk and ice cream from the school's menus and urged the Village Council to ban the products from the village entirely.

The Village Council will consider the issue at its next meeting.

Miss Rose

Miss Rose greets each morning with an open window and a hello to any pigeon that happens to be calling.

Cloverdale's pigeons know where to go for a bit of seed and pleasant conversation. Mind you, whatever Miss Rose says must be said quickly. Our village pigeons have notoriously short attention spans - a fact which doesn't deter Miss Rose. Even though no pigeon has ever heard the end of one of her stories, Miss Rose tells them anyway to the crisp morning air and the sidewalk below.