Eva Wang and the Dr. Seuss Style Cut

This is Eva Wang. She is the daughter of Dr. Walter Wang and Mrs. Rosemary Wang. Dr. Wang is the owner of Wang Chiropractic and Spinal Care Centre of Cloverdale. Rosemary Wang is a student at Cloverdale’s “A Cut Above the Rest” Beauty Academy.

Last year, Rosemary studied hair cutting and style using wigs on mannequins. Now, as a second year student, she works on live subjects. The Academy offers heavily discounted (pretty darn cheap) haircuts to anyone that will allow a second year student access to their hair. Business has been slow. The students can wait several hours before someone comes through the door. The walk-in's usually ask for a senior, not a second year student. This gives the second years little opportunity to practice on people.

When walk-in's and appointments are non existant and the three fourths off a hair cut and style coupon in the Handy Mailer Coupon Book can't bring in cutomers, the Academy will take its second year students to the senior citizen centers in Cloverdale , Dibley in the Downs and Tamworth on Tide. Free hair cuts and styling are offered to the residents. The students dislike these geriatric cuts for two primary reasons:
1. The men have barely enough hair to pull through your fingers for a cut.
2. The women want the heavily lacquered - bouffant style of the 50’s.

Any senior citizen with pride in their appearance will arrange to be elsewhere on the days “A Cut Above the Rest” shows up in their minivan. Any second year student with an ounce of pride in their work will arrange to log their required coursework cutting hours on their friends, their friends children, and their own family.

Two days ago Miss Fanora, Master Stylist, walked into the Parlor and announced that because of no volume in the studio all students were to report to the minivan for a field trip to Withering Heights Home for the Elderly and Manic Depressed. Rosemary slipped out the door, ran to the pay phone in the Academy’s parking lot and called home. Walter was elbow deep in a spinal realignment and couldn't take the call. Eva was watching TV in the living room. "Eva, answer the phone," Walter shouted from his clinic. The clinic occupied two rooms on the ground level of the Wang's two story home. Eva answered the phone.
“Eva, tell daddy to bring you to the school right now. Mommy’s going to make you beautiful again.” It wasn't the sound of her mother's voice that sent Eva into hysterics, it was what she said. Eva's hair was going to be pulled, prodded and cut into something Eva wouldn't want. What could she do, except cry?

Walter rushed into the living room to see what had happened. “What is it pumpkin?” he asked.
“Mom want’s you to take me to her school again,” Eva managed to say between sobs. Walter understood. He comforted his daughter, quickly snapped a few of Max Whezers bones and sent him on his way.

Rosemary was exempted from the field trip because of an appointment. Eva and Walter arrived. Rosemary promised a stunning creation Eva would be proud of. She promised the Dr. Seuss look. Eva agreed because Dr. Seuss was her favorite author.

One hour later the cut and style was over. Rosemary’s instructor inspected her work and gave her an A on originality and a B on implementation. Eva was shocked and wondered what everyone would say at school. Walter listened closely to what Rosemary said about her creation and mirrored the same reaction to her. He learned to do that years ago. It kept peace in the family. Besides hair was not his cup of tea.

Friends, may I present Eva Wang and her new hair style, Little Seuss, compliments of her mother and “A Cut Above the Rest Beauty Academy”.

Have You Seen This Awesome Cat? Please Call ?

Janice Hackford is eleven years old and lives on Evergreen Lane in Cloverdale. She loves to read, draw and talk on the telephone to her friends. She has two brothers, one sister and a cat name Tiger.

On Thursday last Janice felt the need to play with Tiger. She’d had a bad day at school dealing with end of the year testing and an obnoxious boy named Joey Nickles. Joey made fun of Tina, her slightly overweight friend, while they stood outside the cafeteria waiting in line for lunch. Joey overhead Tina say she was starving. Her comment caused him to burst out laughing. “How can you be hungry?” Joey asked in a voice loud enough to get the class’s attention. “You could go months without eating and still weigh more than any of us.” Tina started to cry. The teacher sent Joey to the back of the line. He spent his lunch in the Head Master’s time out room. Janice spent her lunch helping Tina rebuild her self esteem out near the monkey bars.

Just before the bell rang Janice went from clique to clique urging the rest of the girls in the class to ignore Joey and his friends. The girls agreed. Even though they enjoyed talking to the cute boys, their female herding instinct compelled them to help one of their injured own. By day’s end, Joey understood his mistake and apologized to Tina. Once Tina gave the all clear a somewhat normal relationship between the girls and boys resumed in the fifth grade.

Janice got home from school and searched the house for Tiger. The cat couldn’t be found. She searched the yard and found nothing. She canvassed the neighborhood by bike, stopping and questioning the neighbors. Tiger was gone without a trace. Janice went to bed praying Tiger would be waiting for her in the morning. Friday morning arrived and the house was cat less. Tina went to school in a foul mood, snapping at everyone.

After school Tina and Janice made several posters using their color printer. They walked the neighborhood hanging the posters on telephone poles and phone booths. When finished they went home and waited by the telephone. One hour passed. No calls. Tina stayed for dinner. Mother was happy because there wouldn’t be leftovers. The girls waited all night for a call. AT 8:30 P.M. Tina’s mother called. Tina went home.

Several days have passed. There are no Tiger sightings. Janice won’t give up. Tiger is an awesome cat. Someone will find and return her.
It is only a matter of time.

The Mormons of Cloverdale. Devotion with Character

The Cloverdale Seventh Day Adventist / LDS Mormon Church

Everything is done somewhat differently here in the Confederacy of Dunces. I guess you might say that life is never dull. Take going to church for example. I enjoy going to church in the Cloverdale LDS (Mormon) Branch during my ‘regain my sanity’ weekends away from The Other World. I think 'Mormonism Lite' is the best way to describe this unique form of worship. Church is held in the Seventh Day Adventist chapel. The Adventists go to church on Saturday, making their building available for Mormons to rent on Sundays for a reasonable rent.

Church officially starts at 10:00 A.M., although many members come early to socialize. It’s like a religious, tale gate pre-worship party, held outdoors on the church green in the summers and indoors in the church’s hall in the winters (except on Fast Sundays). Its a pot luck event. Members bring whatever they want and share. Normally you’d expect tea and coffee at a church function like this. That is if Mormonism was a normal religion. Instead you’ll find hot chocolate and a variety of juices and milk. Sister Lang’s treats are the ones you Christianly fight over. Sister Lang works at Moss’ Wonderland Bakery. Mr. Moss lets her take the day old pastries and cakes home with her when she leaves late Saturday afternoons at store's closing. The Branch's two deacons wait in the parking lot to ‘help’ her out of her car. She rewards them handsomely for their self serving kindness with decadent Double Fudge Twice Frosted Double Decker Brownies. The boy's mothers bring spare shirts just in case the slobbering becomes unmanageable.

The hour long, pre-meeting mixer, allows you to socialize with people that care about you and - I’m afraid to admit - your business. That is to be expected in a small village. In exchange, you get to hear everyone else’s business. The members are careful and cautious when it comes to people's private business. There is a line and they rarely cross it.

Nina Mitchell is a Seventh Day Adventist and the LDS Branch Organist. She
volunteered to play for the Mormons on Sundays after discovering no one in the branch could play.

At 10:00 A.M. Sacrament Meeting begins. There are usually twenty to thirty in attendance. The Branch President and his councilors refuse to sit on the stand for several reasons. First, they are older gentlemen and have a tendency to drift off during the talks. Secondly, they want to sit with their families. “Why do I want to sit up there and let everyone stare at me?” the Branch President says. “Besides, I like to look at the faces of the people speaking, not the back of their heads.” The presiding member rises from the congregation and walks to the pulpit to make announcements. The Branch President also refuses to be served the Sacrament first. He won't give his reasons because he feels it may offend the District President who seems to enjoy sitting on the stand when he visits from Capital City and does expect to be served the Sacrament first.

The Branch’s two deacons serve the Sacrament. One boy is your traditional Utah variety deacon. He wears the white shirt and the poorly tied tie that hangs down well below his belt. Many fear if it were a bit lower he’d trip over it sending the bread or water all over the floor. I feel it is inevitable - a catastrophe waiting to happen.

Payton Pills, A Deacon with Style wearing his Ordination Tie
(the shirt is buttoned nearly to the top up during Sacrament. Whew!)

The other deacon is my favorite. His name is Payton Pills. He and his mother joined the church six months ago. Payton is a good boy through and through. He is as honest as a day is long and never swears. He is the man of the house and takes his role seriously. He protects his mother and does his best to help her as she raises the family alone. Payton is a character. I don’t know how else to describe him. He refuses to conform in areas he feels are personal choice - clothes for instance. Before he was ordained a deacon by the Branch President, Payton made it clear he wouldn’t wear a white shirt or tie. “Does God really care what I wear?” he asked. The Branch President realized Payton’s stubbornness could be his religious downfall or a blessing for a struggling Branch. He was popular at school and stood up for his new religious beliefs. The Branch President worried that if he fought this battle with Payton, the Branch could lose him.

The night before his ordination the Branch President and his wife invited the Pills to their home for supper. During dessert a deal was struck. Payton agreed to wear a tie. That was it. The Branch President left the rest to God.

Today Payton wears a tie and buttons up his black shirt when he passes the sacrament. As soon as he's done he unbuttons the first two buttons "so he can breath". I admire his attitude. He is the kind of boy any organization would both love and hate. That makes him a character. I really enjoy watching the faces of the District leaders when they visit from Capital City. Their look of shock and horror when they see Payton passing the Sacrament is priceless. Yes, there have been sharp exchanges of opinion held after church in the President’s office but the Branch President always wins the day. He insists that Payton be left alone. He reminds the District President that Payton is a good boy and everyone knows you have to pick your battles carefully when it comes to teenagers.

The Branch President calls members to leadership positions. That isn’t unusual. It happens every Sunday worldwide. What makes this Branch President different is his method of filling other positions in the Branch. His style is more a matching service between needs and talents. A portable bulletin board is set up in the hallway. On one half are the Branch announcements. The other lists open ‘callings’ with a note asking interested members to make an appointment to meet with the Branch President. If there are no eligible volunteers then members are brought in and ‘asked’ if they would be kind enough to volunteer. The key word in this branch is volunteer. “Its all about free agency,” the Branch President says. “Sometimes I need to apply a bit of pressure but most of the time someone will step up and fill a need There is no guilt and no shame. I’m not calling you I’m asking you to volunteer your time and talents in the service of your fellow man and God.”

A visit to the Cloverdale Branch is a delight. The members are happy. They sing hymns with enthusiasm. They work in their callings with dedication and what’s most important, they truly love each other no matter their individual circumstances. “Every soul is precious,” is the theme preached from this pulpit.

My hat is off to you my Cloverdale brothers and sisters.

Lucas Flincher, Somewhat Clever with a Strong Inclination toward Laziness

Lucas Flincher wanted the new Street Blazer Bike for his birthday. “That bike is too expensive,” his mother told him repeatedly. Lucas looked at the less expensive models but couldn’t see himself riding one of them down the High Street in Cloverdale. Lucas had a certain image to uphold and a cheap bike didn’t fit that image. Besides, his best friend Matthew Rich had a Street Blazer. They had visions of themselves riding the streets of the town showing off in front of the girls by doing bike tricks. Of course there were several trips into the hills planned as well - but first things first.

Lucas applied more pressure on his parents. He told them he’d give up his Christmas gifts that year so they could combine the two gift giving events into one. Father thought it was a brilliant idea. Mother was wiser and knew Lucas far better than father. Mother knew that Lucas knew she couldn’t let him get up on Christmas morning and not have a full Christmas under the tree. Lucas’s understood that all too well and was upset when mother overruled father. Father didn’t like disappointing his son. He was always a bit of a pushover when it came to the kids, but he understood his place in the home. Interfering with anything regarding the children would be punishable by royal decree - two weeks banishment on the couch.

Lucas was too big to cry or throw a tantrum. It wouldn’t have done any good. Mother would banish him to his room and withhold his supper - claiming she cooked only for good and deserving boys. Lucas searched for a different plan, one that would bring her approval.
“Mom,” he asked one night while helping his mother load the dishwasher.
“If I get straight A’s on the last report card can I have the bike?” Mother looked at his face for a sign he was joking. He wasn’t. Lucas wasn’t a good student. He was a good boy but not a good student. He had a passion for getting C’s. A ‘C’ was the lazy boy’s grade. It was good enough to pass without having to give up his after school time with his friends. Mother accepted the situation. Father wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer either and Lucas was a chip off the old block. Come to think of it, Mother couldn’t think of a single member of her husband’s family that possessed a keen intellect. If Lucas was serious about getting good grades then this was a bet she couldn’t loose.
“Deal,” she said.
“All right!” Lucas shouted and danced around the kitchen. “Im going to my room to study right now.”

Mother looked at the clock above the pantry. It was 7:07 P.M. She smiled to herself while pouring the dishwashing powder into the dishwasher. She took off her apron, folded it on the counter and walked into the parlor to pick up after father. He was downstairs working on his plastic models. A story on the front page of the newspaper caught her eye. She sat down to read. A few of the grocery ads looked worthy of clipping. She walked into the kitchen to find the scissors. That’s when she heard Lucas shout out Matthew’s name. She looked out the window. Lucas was running down the street. The pantry clock read 7:21 P.M. “That’s my boy,” she whispered to herself, “Einstein reincarnated.”

Needless to say, Lucas’s end of year report card was a celebration of C’s. Mother patted him on the head wishing him better betting next time. Lucas was not a happy camper and sulked for days. His sulking kept him underfoot and that’s not where mother wanted him. It was summer and he needed to be out of the house.
“Lucas, “ mother said one day while standing over him as he picked up his legos. “I’ll make you a deal for that bike.” Lucas jumped to his feet and stood at attention in anticipation.
“You earn one fourth of the price of the bike and your father and I will cover the rest.” Lucas stuck out his hand and asked how much mowing the lawn was worth because he did it that morning.
“If you want money from me you’ll have to do extra chores. I’m not paying you for your normal chores. Those chores provide you with room and board mister.” Mother said as she turned and walked away.

Today Lucas is up at 7:00 A.M. He hops on his skateboard and goes up and down the neighborhood streets providing his “Newspaper at your Front Door Service”. For a small fee, Lucas will pick up your badly thrown newspaper from wherever it landed and bring it to your front door. He thought of the business himself after hearing one of his neighbors cussing at the newspaper delivery man as he sped off down the street tossing papers in every direction. The neighbor’s paper was in the bushes.

Lucas does his normal chores after breakfast. Extras chores are assigned if his normal chores pass mother's inspection. Once mother’s patience and money is exhausted, he and Matthew hit the town on skateboards to ride their circuit through Cloverdale. The circuit includes a stop at the baseball and soccer fields. Lucas and Matthew searched under the bleachers for people’s loose change and other object. Once in awhile they get lucky and find something of great value, like a cell phone. If they can find he owner they’ll deliver it with every intention of getting a reward. Lucas will engaged them in a long conversation on the porch if a reward isn’t offered. He describes his quest to raise enough money to buy his young crippled and blind brother a small gift for his birthday. It works every time.

Stopping at Cloverdale’s two village parks end their circuit. The parks have fountains and fountains are perfect depositories for people’s spare change. Lucas and Matthew remove all the coins tossed for luck the previous day and cool themselves off at the same time. The only people that seem to care are the old ladies that don’t have anything better to do than sit around and feed the pigeons. If some 'old grandma' as Lucas calls them, tries to interfere in their fountain money collection scheme, Lucas retells the story of his crippled, blind and now deaf younger brother that desperately needs better medical attention and is now in the hospital and his mother is there with him so she isn’t at home to take care of him and there isn’t always enough money for food so he has to find someway to eat and wouldn’t she be kind enough to help by giving her spare change to him instead of purchasing seed for the birds?
Lucas can usually get through that in one breath. It always works and the boys leave the park with wet coins and dry bills.

Lucas is happy. In another week he should have enough to pay for his part of the bike. Mother is happy to see her lazy son find something to occupy his time besides video games and skateboarding. Father is happy because mother is happy and when mother is happy everyone is happy.

A Thought from the Ministry of Education and Employment

The Confederation of Dunces’ Ministry of Education and Employment reminds you that with a bit of imagination and creativity even the most difficult of problems can be solved. When faced with a challenge take a moment before frustration convinces you to give up and think out of the box. Always ask, “Is there another way to get the job done?” Given enough thought, a solution will become apparent.

Keep thinking. Never give up and remember, we are all in this together.