Cloverdale's Comprehensive School Choir Performs Somewhat Perfectly - Yet Predictably.

Last night many local residents of Cloverdale spent what seemed to many an eternity listening to the strained melodies of our local Comprehensive School's Choir performing their Summer Concert. Normally the concert is held at the village commons, but due to a pending storm the organizers moved the concert to the school's auditorium.

Of course I attended to support our local students, as did many others in the village (mind you, many stopped at the village's two pubs for a quick one to get them through the nearly hit notes, sung by vocal chords struggling with puberty, and a flurry of missed beats. I believe the ones off beat were the ones I saw standing on the Choir's back row. They were texting on their cell phones while they sang).

The casual hour long concert was stopped at two hours thanks to a power outage supplied by the Grace of God and a good lightening strike on the transformer outside of the village on Highway 1.

It was a night never to be forgotten.

And, to give you a taste of what you missed, a video of one of the numbers.
Enjoy.....

Victor

Cloverdale Weekend Television. Songs of Praise

The Weather for Clovershire and the Midlands.

Heat again today, as it has been for the last several days. Relief is in sight for Monday and Tuesday as a weather front advances from the sea bringing cooler temperatures and moisture to the region. Remember to stay hydrated as you go about your outdoor activities.

Cloverdale's Keep Cool Neighborhood Shelters will be open today from 14:00 to 21:00 hours. Participating homes with air conditioning will open their doors to their neighbors who do not. Keep Cool Homes are identified by the "Keep Cool Shelter" signs placed prominently in their front windows.

On Today's Songs of Praise, Brought to you by Cloverdale's Council of Churches on Cloverdale Weekend Television we hear the Gregorians singing Immortal. Remember, Cloverdale's churches are all air conditioned. What better place to Keep Cool while nourishing your soul. Attend the Church of your choice today!

Today's Community Events.

This Weekend in Cloverdale. July 24

• From 9:00 - 11:00 A.M. Quilting at the Saved By Grace Lutheran Church.
• The Flavors of Coca-Cola at the Piggly Wiggly. Did you know Coca-Cola has different sodas for the international market? Come to Piggly Wiggly and taste them for yourselves (while supplies last).
• Fancy Cake Decorating Class at the Moss Wonderland Bakery from 10:00 - 11:00 A.M.
• Cricket at the Park all afternoon.
• Today is the last day of Sports Camp at the Comprehensive School. This is a day camp starting at 8:00 A.M. ending at 4:00 P.M. Today, volleyball, handball, baseball, and dodgeball.
• The Red Owl Grocery Store has a balloon artist at the check out stands all day today to entertain your youngsters while you wait to check out.
• Margaret Wilburly Snell will be offering twenty minute guided tours of her Gnome collection populating her front and back gardens between 3:00 and 4:00 P.M. She spent the better part of the week preparing her garden for the wedding reception of her niece, starting at 6:00 P.M. this evening so "It has never looked better," according to Margaret.
• Mr. Harold Twinker will be returning to Cloverdale on the 6:00 P.M. train from Fernwood on the Moor. He returns after spending two weeks on an African Safari in Kenya. Harold's last telegram indicated a desire to speak about his adventures through the heart of Africa at the next Clovershire Geographic Society's meeting held at the village library Tuesday next.
• The Odd Fellow's Club of Cloverdale will meet this evening at 7:00 P.M. at the Methodist Church.
• St. Bartholomew's School is sponsoring a parish wide yard sale on the school grounds all day today. The proceeds will help defray the costs of sending the senors to Rome next Spring on Pilgrimage. (this trip will take the place of Prom. The seniors were a bit too 'hands on' at last year's prom causing the supervising nuns great distress). Greasy Griswald will have several new acquisitions on sale from his antique shop just like last year. Remember, 'Old' is Greasy's speciality!
  
• Finally, this evening the village will have the privilege of hearing the Clovershire Community Orchestra at the Comprehensive School's Theater starting at 8:00 P.M. Featured tonight, The Typewriter Song. Please watch the video below and afterwords make plans to attend. It will be the cultural highlight of the month. Everyone who is Anybody in Cloverdale will be there.
  
• 
  

Monica Ragland Graduates

From My Flat on Wit's End
Cloverdale

Hello Friends,
I'd like to introduce you to my neighbor twice down. Her name is Monica Ragland. She graduated from Cloverdale's Comprehensive School at the end of May. Her graduation announcement was delivered to my home yesterday by our Adequate Just Postal Service. She addressed it to my home in Utah. An innocent mistake considering I spend five days out of seven there. Unfortunately, the US Post Office redirected the letter back to my flat here in Cloverdale. The announcement and I must have passed each other twice in our journeys.

I opened the letter at the kitchen table. Her picture fell from the envelop and landed face up. I was puzzled by her choice of backdrop and pose. It just didn't look right. Most seniors are ridiculously posed in front of something natural in the senior pictures. Some photographers urge them to take their pictures from odd to bizarre by having another image of them super impose onto the left or right quadrant of the photo.

In my opinion, the goal of a senior picture is to make the graduating student look cool and grown up. Monica's senior pictures failed on both counts. Her photos make her look strangely religious and pious. Odd for someone with the reputation of being on the wild side. Monica was known to stay out past 11:00 P.M. Last year I overheard a few teens near the gumball machines at the Piggly Wiggly say they'd seen her in the park holding hands with a local boy known for always getting a good night kiss on the first date! You can see why so many questioned her morals and values.

I called Monica to congratulate her for graduating and explain why my congratulations came so late.

"Monica, I hope you don't take this wrong, but your graduation picture is different than most," I said, hoping not to put her on the defensive.

There was a short pause. "Haven't you heard?" she questioned. I'm accepted into the Convent of the Sisters of Ever Increasing Hope at Saint Bartholomew's. I'm going to be a nun!"

"A Nun!" You could have picked my jaw up from the floor. I stumbled to the sink to pour a glass of water wanting to stabilized the shock ebbing from the top of my head to the tip of my toes.

"I enter the convent in August. I'll pray for you Mr. Williamson," her voice was calm, assuring me her decision to abandon the world of the living was what she really wanted.

"Yes please do. I need all the help I can get," I laughed. She didn't. There was a long, uncomfortable pause.

"I know you do Mr. Williamson. There is help for you Mormons. I believe faith can move mountains!" I thought offense would be the next feeling to cross my mind, followed by anger. It wasn't.

"Ah, thanks Monica," I said, realizing I was starting to feel a form of gratitude for her concern.

We spoke for several more minutes and then hung up. I went back to my chair in the front room thinking how lucky I was to have a future nun for an acquaintance, you know, just in case I get to the other side and find myself in a very unexpected Purgatory.

Monica was my Faith Insurance.

Well, its time for bed. It is 11:20 P.M. Cloverdale time. Cloverdale Weekend Television is showing reruns of "Are You Being Served" from the BBC in England. I love the show but watching the Staff of Grace Brother's Gentleman and Woman's Departments working in the department store's Toy Department for the tenth time is enough.

I'm gone.

Victor

Cloverdale's Dr. Doolittle

Andrew with Polly and Pollyanna (before the accident)

Hello Friends,
I'm in for a real treat tonight. Cloverdale's very own Dr. Doolittle (his real name is Abner Leggins) will be performing tonight at 7:00 P.M. in the village library's main gallery and I have tickets! I found them at the bottom of my grocery bag on Saturday when I made that hot trek to the Piggly Wiggly.

Why would anyone want to purchase their groceries anywhere but the Pig? Piggly Wiggly has Cloverdale's widest selection of foods at reasonable prices. Its Video Emporium has the largest selection of DVD's and video tapes in the village and, as if that wasn't enough, the Pig has the village's largest assortment of kiddie motorized sidewalk machines (like the bucking bronco and the space rocket that holds two!). But wait, there's more; you get S&H Green Stamps with every purchase, and apparently you get free library special event tickets dropped right in your bag at checkout.

Abner Leggins day job is bagging groceries at the Pig. In the evenings, Abner takes his animal show on the road, performing at birthday parties and other special events. His ensemble is made up of a poodle named Larry and two parrots, Polly and Pollyanna. Its a regular one man, three animal circus. Abner talks and the animals do tricks.

Business has been slow lately on account of a serious mishap a year ago during Ann Wobbles 8th birthday party. Little Ann wanted to pet Larry. When Abner wasn't looking she reached her hand into his cage. Larry snapped at her. Ann's screaming startled the parrots. It was pure mayhem in the living room. The spooked parrots flew around the living room attacking the children as they scurried for cover. To those watching through the front room window it would have looked like a scene from Alfred Hitchcock's thriller The Birds.

Tonight is Abner's second attempt to draw a crowd at the library. It's difficult to get people to come see the show when the village's constable requires everyone attending to wear a hat of some kind - preferable a motorcycle or bike helmet - just in case Polly and Pollyanna have another meltdown. The police warning is printed in bold letters on the back of every ticket.

I have my baseball cap in hand and ready for the show. I like Abner and want to help him get back on his feet. He has a good personality and never smashes my bread or breaks the eggs when he bags my groceries. I want to reward such skill and devotion to duty
.
I encourage everyone reading to come to the show. Again, it is at the library at 7:00 P.M.

Victor

Clovershire Weather and Cloverdale Weekend Television's Songs of Praise

Coverdale Weather.

A day trip to Tamworth on Tide or the Lake of Sorrows may be the only relief Clovershire residents can find from this oppressive heat wave. Expect crowded trains to the coast and book your day trip tickets early. With no rain in the forecast for the next five days and temperatures reaching record highs the Shire health department encourages you to drink plenty of water and stay indoors . Reduce physical activity to early morning and after sunset. Think of cooler temperatures and Autumn leaves, for this to shall pass.

Today on Cloverdale Weekend Television's Songs of Praise, enjoy Libera singing "Gloria" from California's Crystal Cathedral in Orange County.
Cloverdale's Council of Churches encourages you to attend one of the village's houses of worship. Please call Cloverdale 4365 for more information on Sunday services, times and locations.

My Walk on a Hot Cloverdale Day.

Hello Friends,
It's hotter than Hades in Cloverdale today. The clouds themselves disappeared in search for shade. It may not be hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk but I dare you to walk across that same sidewalk barefoot. Your frantic hopping about would amuse anyone passing by.

I thought to walk along the canal and then cut over the field to the Piggly Wiggly for a few groceries. When the cupboards are bare one does what one must do to eat, even if it means braving this blast furnace of a July day. I don't have a car in Cloverdale. I leave my Lincoln Battlestar Town Car in the Other World when I come here for the weekends on the Coastal Express. Everything I need is within walking distance. There are, however, a few times when a car would be a Godsend (like today). I'm hoping my frozen food still carries a chill by the time I get it home and in the freezer.

The air was warm and scented by lilac's growing along the canal. I walked slowly, there was no rush. In fact, rushing is outlawed in Cloverdale. Newcomers to the village are surprise when locals stop them in their scurry and tell them to "Slow Down. Life's too short."

I took a round about way to the store, wanting to stop for a sticky bun and ice cold milk at the Moss Wonderland Bakery. The shop was busy with villagers making their bakery purchases for the weekend. I sat on one of the outside tables to eat my second breakfast and was soon joined by Vanessa Bleech, local school teacher and connoisseur of fine cream puffs. We spoke of the weather and the lack of rain. She carried the rest of the conversation, directing it toward school and teaching in general. I stopped her half way through her description of her last year's class and excused myself. She nodded, giving me permission to take my leave. I was happy to be on my way. I glanced back and saw that she had changed tables and was entertaining the grumpy Boot's Chemist. He looked like a trapped animal cornered by a Blabberbeast.

In passing I stopped to read the outside bulletin board on the lawn of St. Bartholomew's Church. It made me laugh. It read

St. Bartholomew's Catholic Church
Cloverdale, Clovershire

Monday: Abused Feelings Support Group
Tuesday: Alcoholics Anonymous
Wednesday: Eating Disorders
Thursday: Say No to Drugs
Friday: Bankruptcy Support and Counseling
Saturday: Soup Kitchen
Sunday Services: 9:00 A.M. This Week's Sermon: Cloverdale's Joyous Future!

Sister Elizabeth Mary Catherine Teresa, Host of You Are Sin.

Another sign was taped to the bottom of the Notice Board advertising Sister Elizabeth Mary Catherine Teresa, Mother Superior of the Convent of the Sisters of Ever Increasing Hope's weekly television show 'You Are Sin' on Cloverdale Weekend Television every Sunday morning at 10:00 AM

This Week on
You Are Sin
Hosted by Sister Elizabeth Mary Catherine Teresa

TEXTING
THE VEHICLE OF VOICELESS FILTH

Yes, I'll be sure to tune in for that!


To make a long story short, I made it to the Piggly Wiggly, bought my groceries and got home before my ice cream completely melted. Mind you, I nearly suffered from heat stroke in my haste. I'm resting now with computer on lap and enjoying the breeze stirred up by my small electric fan. Perhaps I'll go out later tonight. There should be local music at the Kicking Donkey. If you're in town, stop by and say hello.

Victor

Garth Gibbon's Seventh Birthday Party

The Photograph from the Birthday Invitations Sent to Garth's Friends
Inviting Them to His Seventh Birthday Party.

Garth “007” Gibbons Celebrates Seventh Birthday.
Taken From Cloverdale’s Weekly Newspaper: The Confederacy Times
Cloverdale (News)

Garth Gibbons, or "007" as he prefers to be called, celebrated his seventh birthday last Friday at the Assisted Living Home of Floyd Gibbons, his grandfather and resident of the Nearly There Home for the Elderly and Infirmed. The Home's Director allowed the Gibbons exclusive use of the therapy pool and hot tub for a surprisingly large rental fee gladly paid by Floyd and many of the other male residents of the Home.

“The boy loves James Bond and has all the movies,” Floyd said of his grandson. “Course, I’m not so sure if isn’t the beautiful women Garth is more attracted to than James Bond himself, if the boy is anything like his granddad!”

Floyd contact a modelling agency in Capital City and hired their top models to be on hand to “decorate” the party and give it that 'James Bond' look. Games of chance were set up poolside so Garth and his friends could experience the life of a playboy at a Monte Carlo Casino. The boys gambled for prizes and candy using fake money. Each of boys were also issued water pistols at the pool gate, just in case Jame's arch Nemesis, Toothless Floyd, crashed the party seeking revenge from James Bond for his hand in Thwarting his bank robbery in Paris the year before.

"The whole Toothless Floyd was my idea," Floyd Gibbons said during the interview for this article. He removed his upper denture to illustrate the reason by he chose to give himself the name 'Toothless Floyd".

The models arrived one hour early. Floyd’s Grandfather claimed it was a communication error on his part for not notifying the agency of a change in the party’s starting time.
“As long as you are here, why not take advantage of the pool and hot tub while you wait. We will cover the extra hour,” Floyd suggested to the Agency’s Director.

The models did not disappoint. Each wore the kind of swimwear one would expect for a James Bond event. The models made use of the pool while they waited. The Home’s gentlemen were poolside to ensure they were properly supervised and well cared for. The Home’s Director was shocked to later learn that champagne, and other alcoholic beverages, were smuggled onto the premises and served to the models poolside. Alcohol has always been a violation of the Home’s rules. The Home's Director later punished Floyd and his friends by taking away their after supper desserts for two weeks. Floyd later said the punishment was a small price to pay for the "feeling of being young again". Of course, the alcohol was removed when the children arrived and the real party started.

Little Garth and his friends said it was the best party ever. The attending boy’s dads were in complete agreement. Garth and his friends especially like it when his granddad and friends came shuffling out of the building carrying Water Cannon 300’s, the most powerful water pistols sold at Donaldson’s Department Store. Toothless Floyd and his gang of geriatric thugs and criminals attacked the boys, shooting them, and the models, with blasts of water in an attempt to take out the great James Bond himself. However Garth and his friends, with help from the models, fought back. In the end, the attack was thwarted and the old men lay on the concrete - dead by water blast. After several pictures were taken of the boys gloating over the bodies of their fallen arch enemies, the models helped the old men up from the concrete and escorted them to the deck chairs so they could enjoy the rest of the party and scenery.

It was a boy’s party never to be forgotten by the residents of the Cloverdale, and in particular, the male inmates of the Nearly There Home for the Elderly and Infirmed.

Cloverdale Weekend Television. Music for a Still Summer's Night.

Cloverdale Weekend Television:
Saturday Night: 19:00 hrs - 22:00 hrs. Music for a Still Summer's Night. Followed by the news and weather.

Cloverdale's Leroy Pickins Protests the Twilight Movie Series.

Leroy Pickins Outside the Grand Theater at Last Year's Showing of Twilight

Leroy Pickins woke two days ago after a restless sleep. The anticipation and long wait for the new Twilight movie was over. Eclipse, the third movie in the Twilight saga would be shown at Cloverdale's Grand Theater that night for the first time. His excitement wasn’t born from a love for the series, in fact the opposite was true. Leroy’s excitement sprang from his loathing of all things which spring from Satan’s loins.

“Them Vampires are of the devil,” Leroy was quoted as saying in an article published in the Confederacy Times when the last Twilight movie was shown in Cloverdale a year ago. Leroy picketed the theater for three days, warning all movie goers that their souls were in danger of Hell’s fires if they entered the theater. On the second day Leroy realized his warnings were falling on deaf ears. Despite his pleas and curses, the line for each showing seemed to be growing larger and larger. He needed something more than just words to startle those hypnotized by demons back into a state of grace. On the morning of his last day of protesting, Leroy stopped at the local Piggly Wiggly on his way to the Grand Theater to purchase ten pounds of hamburger.

The village constable was waiting for him when he arrived.
“Leroy, you’ve got to stay off the Grand Theater’s property today or I’ll have to take you in. You got that?” the Constable said sternly.
“Got it sheriff,” Leroy answered back sarcastically. The Constable stayed for several minutes before getting a call about a possible accident between a car and a poorly thrown Frisbee near the Village Park. The Constable hopped onto his bike and pedaled away, waving his finger at Leroy until he was out of sight.

Leroy reached into the Piggly Wiggly plastic grocery carrier bag and took out the raw meat. He opened the wrapper and started to roll the ten pounds of hamburger into tiny one inch diameter balls.
“If these so called Christians love blood and guts then I’ll give it to ‘em. It will all be right here on the streets. There ain’t no need to go into the theater to see it,” Leroy said confidently to two twelve year old boys who happened to be passing on their skateboards and took an interest in his large sign urging people to ask him why they were Hell bound.
“Can we help you throw those?!” one boy said with much enthusiasm.
“Are you a good Christian?” Leroy asked.
“Jesus died for my sins!” the boy shouted.
“Hallelujah and Amen!” Leroy said to finish the moment of praise. “Let’s get throwing.”

Leroy and the two boys started peppering the thirty or so people standing in the Twilight line outside the theater with raw hamburger balls. The few men in the line ran for cover. The ladies, on the other hand, would have none of it. They broke the line and charged toward Leroy and the lads.

By the time the Constable arrived the three were lying face down in the grass, their mouths stuffed with raw hamburger. Leroy was given a ticket for violating the peace and contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

Sam Bilbo and Nick Olsen in the Village Jail Awaiting Parental Pick Up
after throwing raw hamburger at the patrons of the Grand Theater.

This year Leroy thought he'd take a different approach. He purchased a digital camera a week after learning of the first showing of Eclipse at the Grand Theater in mid summer. He enrolled in community education at the Comprehensive School and took a class in Blogging. To pass the class, Leroy was required to start a blog and maintain it for at least two months.

Leroy’s blog was called, “Why You’re a Sinner”. two nights ago the blog got its first pictures. Leroy used his digital camera to on take picture of everyone in the Eclipse line and posted them to his blog.

“Smile, You’re on Hell’s Camera!” he shouted as he snapped picture after picture of people exited their cars and getting into the movie line. The Constable was on hand to be sure the events of a year ago were not repeated. The two boys, now thirteen, were there as well egging Leroy on. Leroy rushed home as soon as everyone in the line got into the movie and posted his pictures to the web. He was pleased with his work and was excited to return the next night to continue his campaign of shame against the army of Satan.

Last night, Leroy returned with sign and camera. He positioned himself across the street from the Grand Theater and waited. Thirty minutes later people started arriving.
“Smile, You’re on Hell’s Camera!” Leroy shouted as he snapped picture after picture.
The Constable was absent. That fact surprised Leroy. Leroy was also surprised to see so many children in the line that evening.

“Can you believe it?” Leroy said to his two delinquent supporters who returned to see what Leroy was up to. “Have those sinners no shame? Look how they take their children into that movie!”

Ten minutes later the Constable arrived by bike. 

“Leroy, what are you doing here tonight?” he demanded. He was short of breath and dripped with sweat. You could tell he had rushed to get there.

“You know what I’m doing Sheriff,” Leroy answered. “I’m trying to save those innocent children from the flames of Hell because you and I know the Devil will get into their minds after seeing that movie.”

The Constable looked confused and surprised. He motioned the two boys away. They hopped atop their skateboards and clickity clacked down the sidewalk. Turning back to Leroy the Constable asked, “What Movie?!”

“Eclipse!” Leroy shouted back, giving the Constable a look of unbelief. He knew the village Constable was a bit slow at times but tonight he seemed as thick as an “Over the Top” milkshake from the Dairy Queen.

“Leroy, Eclipse isn’t playing tonight,” the constable said with a better look of disbelief than Leroy could muster. “The Grand is playing Toy Story 3 tonight. Eclipse played for one night only last night as a special showing. It don’t open on a regular basis until next week YOU IDIOT!”

Leroy had to stoop down to pick his jaw up off the sidewalk after hearing the Constable's words. He’d just made a fool out of himself.

“Get outta here!” the Constable ordered. An order Leroy didn’t question.

Leroy spent today licking his wounds. The battle of against sin had given him a lickin but he knew he had what it took to come back tickin. His crusade to save the souls of Cloverdale’s citizens would continue when Eclipse opened for its regular run. Until then, Leroy thought it best to enjoy a drink at the Hairy Lemon with a few friends. I passed him on the street as I was heading home from the Train Station.

Yes, its just another day in Cloverdale.....

The Weather for Cloverdale and Surrounding Communities and Sounds of Praise!

Cloverdale Weather.

A cold front surprised many this morning with below average temperatures. Expect highs in the mid 70's and lows in the upper 50's. While rain is scarce there is an abundance of sunshine bathing the Shire with lovely temperate summer temperatures making an pleasant outing a necessity.

Today Cloverdale Weekend Television celebrates 35 years of Sounds of Praise, brought to you by Cloverdale's Council of Churches, hoping to see you in one of our houses of worship today and every weekend. Remember, if you feel distant from God, Guess who moved?