Our Cloverdale

Cloverdale's Early Morning Christian Gossips

2012-01-29T10:38:00.006-07:00

Norma Watkins and Jean Maple Stanley found each other on this very park bench in Cloverdale over thirty years ago. They've been the best of friends since that day, meeting most Sunday mornings on their way to church when their overall health and general attitudes toward their aging Pastor will permit. Both grandmother's believe that a good gossip is the best way to start a Sunday. It is their greatest delight to arrive at Church with the village's best and most scandalous tales to be passed along to the ladies of their Coffee Club.

Norma and Jean are their congregation's best source of village news. Gossip from anyone else, while still enjoyable and worthy of a tongue wag, must be taken with a grain of salt.

A Plea from Cloverdale's Police Department.

2011-10-30T14:50:00.001-07:00

Cloverdale's Police Department knows how upset our village's children get when given something healthy in their trick or treat bags on Halloween. Last year five Cloverdale children were arrested for torching the car of a person who rewarded their heartfelt and enthusiastic "TRICK OR TREAT" with small boxes of raisins. The children were stupid enough to capture their TRICK on film.

"There are other ways to express outrage," the Chief Constable said while making the rounds at the villiage's schools. "Have you considered smashing pumpkins on driveways or soaping windows?"

"What would you do if someone gave you a toothbrush?" asked one sixth grader from Confederacy Elementary.

The Chief Constable thought long and hard then raised his forefinger. "That's unforgivable. You all call me if you get a toothbrush in your Halloween bag and I'll be down in a flash with my Tazer!"

Have a Happy and Safe Halloween!

Cloverdale Weather and "You in a Pew".

2011-09-18T07:14:00.004-07:00

Sunday's Weather for Cloverdale and the Shire.

We will enjoy periods of sun with darkening clouds in the late afternoon. Temperatures remain reminiscence of Fall, not unexpected and a preface of Autumn's arrival next week. Wind will be lightly gusting from the northeast and gone all together by tomorrow.

Today's Songs of Praise comes to us from the Congregation of St. Michael Anglican in Tamworth on Tide. Cloverdale's Council of Churches encourage you to take time for God. The village's churches remind you of this year's membership drive, "You in a Pew". Help fill our places of worship with song and prayer, making Cloverdale truly "A Community of Christ".

Mr. Tosca Works the Graveyard Shift. Milo Doesn't Seem to Understand

2011-08-01T17:02:00.003-07:00

The Tosca's live outside Cloverdale on Highway 1. They are new to Cloverdale having immigrated to the Confederacy one year ago. They are the exhausted parents of Milo, one very hyperactive child. Milo loves to run, jump and shout his way through the day with little regard for his father's sleeping. You see, Mr. Tosca is working the grave yard shift at Cloverdale's Electrical Substation while the normal graveyard manager takes time off for a medical condition. Mrs. Tosca tries her best to keep Milo subdued while her husband sleeps but, without super human powers, she can't track Milo every minute of the day.

Yesterday Mrs. Tosca left Milo to her husband's care while she left for an hour to help a friend. He had to wake up early to watch the boy. He wasn't happy. When she returned she found Milo restrained on the couch with husband beside him reading the paper. Milo wasn't panicked.

"How could you tie and gag our son?" she questioned.
"It was either that or put him up for adoption on the roadside," he replied.

The matter was dropped. Mrs. Tosca will not be leaving Milo with his father until his time on the graveyard shift ends.

Lily Beth and Cloverdale's Curiosity Shop.

2011-07-31T13:14:00.008-07:00

Lily Beth Locket is waiting for Cloverdale's only taxi outside the village's Curiosity Shop on the High Street. The Curiosity Shop is one step above the Salvation Army's Thrift Store in the quality of their gently and lovingly used merchandise.

Lily Beth has the Saturday Morning shift. She wakes at 6:00 A.M. and walks the two miles to the shop, stopping along the way to admire the neighborhood's flower gardens. Lily is partial to roses and can't pass a bush without a quick sniff. Lily calls for the taxi on rainy days but getting Mr. Pringle to leave his house on a Saturday norming to pick her up before 8:00 A.M. can be difficult, especially if he had a late night ferrying the tipsy home from the villages two pubs the night before.

The Curiosity Shop buys most of its merchandise from local charity shops and resells them for a small profit. The shop also carries home made crafts on consignment. The shop gets a part of the profits if the item is sold. It's a shop where everyone comes out the better just for stopping by.

Lily Beth has a Saturday routine which she unconsciously follows without exception. Making a pot of coffee is the first thing she does after arriving at the shop. While the coffee percolates, she searches the shelves for newly arrived merchandise. She is looking for anything of quality and interest. She keeps a notebook in her purse with lists of items her friends, family and other interested parties would be interested in buying. Lily Beth calls the interested party if she finds a match. The item is then set aside. Lily Beth charges a small finders fee if her client purchases the item. The shop's owners are unaware of Lily Beth's side business.

"Why would they care?" she answered when I questioned her about her arrangement last Saturday morning. "They're getting the asking price. My clients don't get a discount. It's all fair and honest."

"It doesn't seem quite fair for the shop's other regular customers," I responded.

"Here love, have a Sticky Bun." Lily Beth offered me one of her two pastries. Yes, a small price to pay for my silence, but who can resist a Wonderland Bakery sticky bun?

"My finder fee keeps me in cakes," Lily Beth said with a smile, referring to her one weakness - Wonderland Bakery's Famous Sticky Buns. "And there are plenty more of them for you whenever you stop by on a Saturday morning," she added with a wink.

After her search about the shop, Lily Beth sits on the shop's back porch and enjoys her sticky bun and coffee. At 9:00 A.M. she puts on a record to fill the void with music and opens the shop for customers. Her shift ends at 1:00 P.M. At 1:10 P.M. she is out on the pavement waiting for Mr. Pringle. The rest of the day is spent with her friends, her cats and her garden.

Teddy DeWit, Cloverdale's Youngest Wizard.

2011-07-12T19:32:00.008-07:00

Teddy DiWit secretly practices wizardry on Petunia Lane in Cloverdale and has done so ever since his robes and wand arrived for his birthday six months ago. He knows its against the rules for under aged wizards to practice magic, but knowing Cloverdale is far away from the Ministry of Magic, Teddy is just the kind of boy who is willing to take the risk.

On any given day anyone walking or driving down Petunia Lane could very well find Teddy outside waving his wand and practicing his spells. Teddy isn't shy and gladly demonstrates proper wand waving motions to anyone with an interest - except for the village constable, who he knows will notify the Ministry, and his Baptist Pastor who lives at the end of the lane in a nicely restored thatched roof cottage.

"Teddy, you know very well there is no such thing as magic," the Pastor told him one late Thursday afternoon just before supper as he walked home after a church function. Teddy was practicing his favorite magic, levitating a white feather off a tree stump in the front yard. He had become so good at this type of magic that the feather would sometimes blow away with him standing nearby doing nothing but watching, wand still in its holster.

"We are Christians Teddy and Christians don't pretend to do magic," the Pastor continued his lesson on what Christians do and don't do. "And I think you should stop drawing that lightening bolt on your forehead. You're not Harry Potter." Teddy held his hand over the false scar, looked down at the grass and waited for the Pastor to lose interest and move along. At that moment the feather lifted off the stump and blew half way across the yard.

"I did that," Teddy spoke with confidence.

"No Teddy, the wind blew the feather off the stump," the Pastor replied in a corrective tone.

"Magic," Teddy said.

"The wind," the Pastor replied.

"Magic."

"The wind." The Pastor's voice was showing impatience. Teddy reached for his wand thinking he might have to use a disarming spell to protect himself. The Pastor realized arguing with a boy as stubborn as Teddy wasn't worth his time. "The wind," he said again as he cleared his throat and turned to continue his walk down Petunia Lane.

"Magic," Teddy muttered under his breath just after the Pastor was out of ear shot.

People living on Petunia Lane know to be careful of Teddy DiWit when he's outside in full Harry Potter costume. One day Teddy nearly took out a passing teenager's eye with his knotted hickory wand. The teen insulted his Hogwart's house and laughed at his robe and scar.

Teddy's Latin is crude and his magic clearly absent but the injuries he conjures with his wand / sword teaches Cloverdale's muggles to tread lightly and respectfully when they happen upon him.

Miss Bitterroot's Honey

2011-05-29T07:09:00.012-07:00

Miss Bitterroot with her Famous Honey

The coming of Spring means honey to the Bitterroot family of 34 Forest Green Close, Cloverdale. The Bitterroots have produced the finest honey in shire for the past twenty years and plan to continue as long as Clover is found in Clovershire.

Last year Miss Eliza Bitterroot took over the family business from her Grandfather Elroy. His failing health and recent curious reaction to bee stings gave him ample reasons to retire and travel with Mildred, his sweetheart for the past fifty years.

Elroy said of his grandaughter, "I leave the business is very capable hands. Young hands yes, but very capable."

Proving her grandfather right, Miss Bitterroot delivered a fine batch of honey to the shops last season and plans to do so again this year.

"You can always rely on the sweetest honey from Bitterroot bees." Miss Bitterroot said in an interview last Saturday with a reporter from the Confederacy Times who happened to be at the Piggly Wiggly covering the free food samples offered to exiting shoppers. Everyone standing around her agreed as they waited patiently for their free sample of Bitterroot Honey on toast.

"Here Here!" shouted Molly Totter, former foods teacher at the Comprehensive School and now resident of the Nearly There Home for the Elderly and Confused as she stood waiting at the back of the line. "I wouldn't put anything other than Bitterroot Honey on my toast. I bought another jar just now while I was doing my shopping." "

Molly Totter doesn't have the patience to stand in a long line, having taught school for nearly forty years. She deals with her impatience by bumping the people in front of her with her shopping cart. She pretends to be nearly blind and confused when they turn around to glare. Her performance usually succeeds. Anyone with half a heart and warm feelings of home and mother will step aside feeling sorry for the old woman. She always thanks them with a "God Bless," as she moves ahead in the line.

"May we get a picture of you with Miss Bitterroot holding the jar you just bought?" asked the reporter. Molly gladly agreed and fumbled around in her shopping bag to find her honey.

"There it is," she said as she proudly displayed a jar of Nutella.

"This is the best honey in the world. It has the taste of almonds and chocolate. How Miss Bitterroot does it I'll never know." Molly said as she held up one finger to stop the photo from being taken. "I need to get presentable."

Molly Totter returns to the Home with her day's shopping

Molly searched her purse for her powder, glasses and lipstick. Naturally she wanted to look her best. Needless to say, the photo wasn't taken. The reporter thought it best to help her on her way to the Home and more familiar surroundings.

Miss Bitterroot urges everyone to purchase Bitterroot Honey in their favorite shops, as long as your favorite shops are either the Piggly Wiggly or the Red Owl. She turned her nose at our mention of the Coop or the Food Emporium, both of whom carry a different brand.

Cloverdale Weekend Television's Songs of Praise

2011-05-29T06:27:00.002-07:00

Sunday's Weather for Clovershire

The mountains are shrouded in blankets of fog as a cold weather system slowly moves through the Shire today and tomorrow. Periods of rain and gusty winds are expected. Your winter jacket will be needed for outdoor travel along with a good umbrella. Snow is expected in the mountains. Warmer weather will follow bringing snow melt from the highlands into the Clover River. Expect minor flooding in the lowlands.

Today on Cloverdale Weekend Television, Songs of Praise. Cloverdale's Churches invite you to join them for Sunday Services on this bleak Spring day. Come experience the warmth of Christ in scripture and song and good fellowship with your caring neighbors.

The Mumps Enjoy a Sunday Ice Cream Outing

2011-05-22T14:40:00.003-07:00

Things are not always peachy keen in Cloverdale. Horace Mumps is not a happy camper. There was one scoop of Mint Chocolate Chip left in the bottom of the bucket at the Dairy Delight Ice Cream Emporium on the High Street. Of course, being the gentleman he is, Horace offered it to his wife fully expecting her to refuse. She didn't.

Wilma is enjoying the Mint Chocolate Chip while Horace toys with his Vanilla Bean Delight and thoughts of Wilma's upcoming birthday.

Mrs. Tildon's Mother's Day

2011-05-08T14:55:00.014-07:00

Mrs. Tildon waits and watches out her front window. Every Mother's Day her son Timothy arrives at 5:30 P.M. with picnic basket in hand and children in tow for their annual Mother's Day Celebration complete with sandwiches, pickles, brownies, chips, soda and fireworks.

Timothy moved from Cloverdale to Tamworth on Tide eight years ago seeking better opportunities. The move was nearly catastrophic for Mrs. Tildon. Timothy is her only child and has been her rock and foundation ever since Mr. Tildon died ten years ago. Timothy begged her to move but Mrs. Tildon tearfully declined. Her life is sewn into the fabric of Cloverdale. The Clover Valley has been her home since birth and leaving it and her friends behind would be too much to ask from someone her age.

Timothy and the children visit as often as they can and Mrs. Tildon is no stranger to the Confederate Railways. She uses her Old Age Pensioner's Frequent Rider Card at least twice a month for visits to Tamworth on Tide. They are the highlights of her month, along with her weekly meetings with the Lutheran Women's Guild and her regular girl's night out playing Canasta with her friends.

This Mother's Day will be special. Mrs. Tildon got up early and fried up a deliciously plump chicken she'd purchased at the Piggly Wiggly the night before. The grandchildren love her fried chicken and on occasion, when the mood strikes, she succomes to their pleadings. It has been said by those in Cloverdale with the most discriminating palettes, that the chicken fried in the Tildon kitchen far exceeds anything from the Kentucky Fried Chicken on Main and Elm Streets in taste and quality. Such talk appears to embarrass Mrs. Tildon, but in reality, it is most welcome but never sought after.

It is 12:30 P.M. and a red car is seen at the top of the lane. Timothy has arrived. Mrs. Tildon will collect her things and step out from her brick bungalow and into the warm embraces of a son and grandchildren who love her.

Melanie Dimple and her Science Fair Project.

2011-04-15T11:58:00.004-07:00

Melanie Dimple of 924 St. Charles Street, Cloverdale lost her bid to win Confederacy Elementary School’s Science Fair with her probing self reflecting analysis of her addiction to cake.

To prove how addicting cake was, she had a small electrical generator screwed down to the table top. Two electrodes from the generator were strapped to each of her index fingers. A month’s supply of Dolly Madison cakes were kept in a large Rubbermaid storage bin under the table.

“Notice how I can’t help myself when I see a cake,” she said in a matter of fact tone during her short presentation to the science fair’s judges.

Melanie took a package of coconut covered Zingers from the bin, ripped open the packaging (some said she had a noticeable animal look in her eyes) and held the treat before the judges.

“What would you say if I told you that if you don’t eat this Zinger, you won’t get an electrical shock?” she asked.

“And if we eat the Zinger?” Judge Phineas Swallow asked, thinking how good the Zinger looked and how it had been three hours since lunch.

“If you eat it, then you get a shock from my dad's generator. It’s very painful - believe me, I know,” Melanie rubbed her two fingertips.

“Why would we eat that Zinger knowing we would get an electical shock?” Judge Julie Jeeps asked, thinking the entire round of questioning was useless.

“Why indeed, unless the cakes were so addictive you couldn't control yourself,” Melanie asked. “Stank back, I don’t want any of you hurt.”

Melanie held the Zinger in one hand and the on switch for the generator in the other.

“Are you sure you know what you're doing?” Phineas Swallow asked. Melanie activated the generator just as the last word left his mouth. The generator whirred into action. Melanie started shaking as the electricity surged through her body from each fingertip. With all her might she shoved the Zinger through her partially clenched teeth and into her mouth.

The lights in the cafeteria flickered ten seconds into the demonstration . The power draw was about to trip a circuit breaker. Then the demonstration ended, just as suddenly as it had started, The generator was on an automatic timer and switched off at the right time. Melanie collapsed into a white plastic garden chair next to her display board. She opened her mouth to explain. The smell of burnt Zinger escaped. Judge Julie Jeeps pulled a scented handkerchief from her purse and held it to her nose to take the edge off the noxious order.

“I love cake that much,” Melanie mumbled. "I can't help myself and I think I know why." Melanie explained the effects of sugar on the brain and how addictive such things could be.

At the end of her minute long speech thunderous applause filled the cafeteria from the hundred or so students huddled around. Her demonstrations were the best in the science show, far better than any old erupting volcano or internal combustion engine. Several of the boys even volunteered to take the shock as they ate one of her Zingers. Melanie, not accustom to sharing her cakes, graciously declined ever offer.

Melanie lost the science fair. Her disappointment was tempered by consuming the rest of the month’s supply of Zingers while watching television that evening. On the bright side, Melanie was offered a demonstration booth at the Mental Health Fair the following month at Dibley on the Downs where she took first place in her age division beating out the display on Teenage Eating Disorders.

The Troubadours Perform at the Kicking Donkey

2011-04-03T14:40:00.004-07:00

Never say you are bored on a Saturday night in Cloverdale. Those that do are slapped alongside the head and told to get on down to The Kicking Donkey Pub near the Train Station. The Kicking Donkey is the center of Cloverdale's Saturday night fun. Although the pub may not be suitable for the youngest in our community, those old enough to enjoy good music spiced with good company in a relaxed atmosphere will find no equal for village entertainment.

Last night The Troubadours lit up the night with down home American music. They played to a full house (the 9:05 train to Tamworth on Tide was running 3o minutes late so the passengers, hearing the sounds from the pub, considered their options. They could wait on the station's hard wood benches or cross the street for a something soothing to drink and a few laughs). The Troubadours were fantastic and the locals showed their appreciation by keep their glasses filled.

And to those like me who don't drink, let me assure you that the Kicking Donkey serves a wide variety of non alcohol beverages, so don't let that stop you from coming down and joining us at the Kicking Donkey on a Saturday night. What else you gonna do, watch the Village's Amateur

Dramatic Society's production of Hansel and Gretal?

I think not :)

Cloverdale Mental Health Alert

2011-03-27T13:58:00.015-07:00

Clara Crims hears The Dead.

Cloverdale Weekend Television
Mental Health Alert

An advisory to the village of Cloverdale and surrounding areas. Miss Clara Crims, a resident of the Riverbottoms Group Home in Cloverdale, went missing this afternoon. Her disappearance was reported to the village constable when she didn’t report for her afternoon meds.

“I stood waiting and she didn’t show up,” reported Nurse Klemp, Matron. “Clara always reports for her meds promptly at 1:00 P.M. I’m both agitated and concerned - two emotions at once, clearly too much for me to handle. Just look at my hands quivering.”

Nurse Klemp’s hands were indeed quivering. The Constable tried to calm her by saying that he was sure Clara would be found quickly and returned. He reached for his radio to contact the Shire’s Constabulary. All he got was static when he pushed the “Talk” button.

“I forgot to charge it last night,” he confessed. Nurse Klemp partially collapsed over the meds tray.

“I’ll need one of these.” She held a small paper cup containing a blue and yellow pill in one hand and a glass of water in the other. The pill was down her gullet with one toss of her hand.

“I’m going for a lay down. Call when you find her.” The matron navigated the home’s hallway with uncertain steps before disappearing through the door at the end of the corridor.

The Constable removed his cell phone from his tazer holder and dialed Cloverdale Weekend Television to place the Mental Health Alert. Moments later the village’s televisions flashed green followed by the silhouette of a brain with lightening bolts (the sign of a mental health alert). The announcer’s voice followed.

“Clara Crims is missing from the Riverbottoms Group Home in Cloverdale,” she reported. “Clara is not considered dangerous but should not be approached. If found call the station at once.”

A file picture of Clara replaced the stern looking announcer. Cloverdale Weekend Television keeps pictures on file of all the Group Home's residents. Also on file are pictures of those living at the Nearly There Home for the Elderly and Confused. They sometimes escape as well.

Clara's picture shows her struggling with her voices. Clara hears the dead talking. Strangely enough, she reports that she is their number one topic of conversation. When asked why the dead would be so preoccupied with her and not the overwhelming scope of eternal life, Clara always looks dazed then returns to clutching her hands over her ears to silence their voices.

A small reward for information on her whereabouts will be offered if Clara isn’t found before sundown. At that time Clara will have missed two medication cycles and will start hearing God’s voice. The last time she missed two medication cycles she accused the Mother Superior of the Sisters of Ever Increasing Hope Monastery of blasphemy and heresy.

The Muller's Curious Cows

2011-03-20T14:41:00.002-07:00

Bernie and Bernice Muller have Cloverdale's most curious cows. Many locals, needing some kind of a diversion from the hectic day to day village life, always know when push comes to shove, at the end of the day, when the budget allows for precious little entertainment, there is always "The Drive" to the Muller's farm to watch the Muller cows, watch you.

If you stay long enough and are patient, you might be invited into the farmhouse for one of Bernice's famous double chocolate chip cookies, washed down with an ice cold glass of milk from those very same curious cows. Although not recommended for the teen crowd, cow watching has become a somewhat popular pass time for the 60 and up crowd.

The Muller cows are always happy to see you. You can find them near the Highway One fence about four miles outside of town.

Sammy Slips with the "S" Word

2011-03-19T07:27:00.003-07:00

Sammy Smuthers is a seventh child of eight. The Smuthers live at 14 Dupont Circle in Cloverdale. He is a first grader at St. Bartholomew's Catholic School.

At lunch his best friend in the universe reached across the lunchroom table, took Sammy's jello dessert, and licked the whipped cream from the top. Sammy few into a rage. He jumped up, took the dish holding the soiled lime jello from his friend, scopped the jello out of the bowl with his hand and threw the quivering mass into his friend's face. That's when he shouted the "S" word.

Before you could say "Jesus wants me for a Sunbeam", two nuns appeared, each taking one of Sammy's arms to keep him from climbing over the table to finish dressing his "used to be best friend" in the remaining food from his lunch tray.

Sammy was escorted kicking and screaming to the Special Purposes Room, where all naughty children are put. For one hour Sammy was subjected to the quiet of the room interrupted by the occasional knock at the door and a nun asking if he'd repented of his sins. If the answer was no, the door was relocked. If the answer was yes, then he'd be released to rejoin his class.

"Yes," Sammy answered on the first knock. He didn't like the Special Purposes Room. The picture of Jesus near the door with an open heart surrounded by barbed wire freaked him out.

Sister Evelyn knelt in front him and explained that calling someone "Stupid" was forbidden at St. Bartholomew's.
"It's a terrible word Sammy. Promise me you'll never say it again?" she asked.

Sammy broke into tears. It was all too much for a six year old to handle. Between sobs he promised to be a good boy and never use the "S" word again. Sammy returned to class.

Later that day Sammy told his mother what had happened. She gave him a hug and told him that if someone had licked the whipped cream off her jello she would have given him a black eye.

Sammy got a double helping of jello for dessert that evening.
"Here," his mother said handing him the can of whipped cream. "Go ahead and do it yourself. You deserve it."

Sammy pushed down on the long plastic top releasing a stream of fluffy topping onto his jello. He stopped when all signs of the jello disappeared under a blanket of white.

It was a perfect ending to a truly horrible day.

Prilla Salvo Remembers the Shire's Lavender Hills.

2011-03-14T16:22:00.005-07:00

Prilla Salvo sits on a sidewalk outside a Dunkin Donuts in some cold industrial city in the heartland of America. Prilla hopes to scrape together enough money to purchase the train fare for a one ticket back to the Confederacy and her home in Cloverdale.

Prilla is a graduate of Clovershire's schools and university. She studied maths, sciences and modern living from the University at Tamworth on Tide. She graduated with honors. One year later she received her teaching certificate from the Ministry of Education. Instead of taking a position at the Comprehensive School in Cloverdale, Prilla removed her savings from the Bank, packed her belongings, bid her parents farewell and bought a one way ticket on the Coastal Express for the world outside the Confederacy. She was bound for the world she had studied and grown to love in her university studies.

The Outside World wasn't kind to Prilla. Prilla quickly discovered that the Outside World didn't value the qualities of oddness and uniqueness like the Confederacy. Her unique dress and flamboyant attitude toward science education was laughed at by many and feared by some. The principal of her school, after meeting with a parent's committee, dismissed her.
"This isn't Hogwarts," was his reason. Prilla didn't know what Hogwart's was.

Prilla sent a telegraph to her parents in Cloverdale asking for help in returning home. They sent what they could. What they sent was just enough to keep her in her one room apartment while she looked for work as a tutor. Hopefully with enough clients, she'd raise the money and return to the only place that would appreciate her talents with children and her love of science and math.

Until then, she waits for clients on the concrete sidewalks of a city known for its many shades of gray. Perhaps you kind readers in the Outside World will take pity on someone that resembles a fish out of water and help.

Daphanie Droop. A Silent Sufferer of GumB.

2011-03-12T13:48:00.010-07:00

Daphanie Droop is a student at St. Bartholomew's Catholic School in Cloverdale. She is the eldest daughter of Eldon and Espa Droop of 253 Maple Lane, a quaint little cottage at the end of the lane surrounded with a pink picket fence and two large willow trees.

Daphanie suffers from Gumtidus Bushalocus, a condition that makes her cringe at the thought of putting anything on her gums. The thought of brushing her teeth makes her violently ill. The thought of flossing can lead to unconsciousness.

People who suffer from GumB live lonely lives. It is difficult for them to get close to people because of ever present halitosis. They keep people at arms length. If its absolutely necessary to talk to a nearby person, they speak with their hand cupped over their mouth to direct exhaled air downwards and not into the face of the person within their comfort zone.

Daphanie has learned how to live with GumB thanks to the group therapy offered at Cloverdale's Clinic. Using role playing techniques, Daphanie learned how to tell people about her condition and caution them, in an unfrightening way, to stand far enough away not be caught unawares by sudden unpleasant smells. Daphanie also learned to keep a tube of toothpaste on hand at all times for sudden proximity situations.

Daphanie used her toothpaste today in her "Catholic Teen Living" class. She and the boy at the end of the third row were asked to demonstrate the proper technique for teen intimacy. They were to perform a Catholic Close Encounter of the Second Kind. They were to stand close to each other and hold hands. The boy at the end of the row volunteered when he discovered Daphanie was the female in the demonstration. Daphanie knew of his interest but, because of her condition, shied away from contact. Today however, when she saw his name on board with a "?" beside it, she grabbed the dry erase marker before anyone else noticed and wrote her name. She knew her therapist would be proud of her. He has worked for months to get her to the point where she could feel comfortable being near a boy she liked.

There is a happy ending to our story. What Daphanie didn't know was that the boy at the end of the third row was also a sufferer of GumB. Minutes before their demonstration, they both gelled up with the toothpaste of their choice. At twelve past two in the afternoon they were called to the front of the class. One stood on Sister Mary Elizabeth's right and the other on her left. On Sister Mary's signal their hands found each other.

The rest, as they say, is history.

Carnation's Caffeinated Milk. Banned in Cloverdale's Schools

2011-03-10T06:57:00.008-07:00

Cloverdale's School Council passed a resolution during it's public input meeting urging the village's markets to discontinue the sale of Caffeinated Milk.
"Our kids are coming to school wired for destruction. Teachers are finding it nearly impossible to keep them in their seats," said the Council President in his opening remarks.

Carnation introduced Caffeinated Instant Milk six months ago. The television commercial which ran on Cloverdale Weekend Television featured several of the villages teens struggling to get out of bed and ready for school. The next scene shows them sitting down to their sugar cereal and Caffeinated Instant Milk. The final scene shows them wide away and engaging their parents in meaningful conversation before kissing their mothers goodbye and boarding the school bus. The ad campaign was successful and sales skyrocketed.

The district nurse spoke before the Council. "These kids are getting hugh doses of caffeine before leaving home. They are then stopping at the PiggyMart or other convenience store and buying Red Bull and other energy drinks. By the time they get to school their blood pressure is spiking and they can't focus."

Several "here here's" were heard from the teachers sitting in the metal folding chairs at the back of the meeting room. The nurse paused for dramatic effect before continuing.

"Today we have a village of caffeine addicts. Why? Is it because of the caffeinated milk? Yes, but what you parents don't know is that this same drugged milk is being used to make caffeinated ice cream!" The nurse empathised the words Ice Cream by raising her finger toward the fluttering fluorescent light above her.

Audible gasps were heard from every part of the room. The manager of Piggly Wiggly's Dairy Department sunk lower into his chair. Joining him near the floor was the owner of Cloverdale's Dairy Queen.

"What I'm about to show you may be troubling. Consider that a fair warning," the nurse said as she motioned for the dimming of the halls lights. She switched on the slide projector and waited as the President of the Council stood to lower the movie screen suspended from the ceiling above.

"This child is a drug addict. Addicted to the caffeine in his ice cream. Ice cream legally available at none other than our very own Dairy Queen!"

The Widow Johnson rose from the fifth row. "For Shame!" she shouted. Others stood in support of her statement, except for the Noah Plop. He stood to gracefully leave. He'd accidentally wandered into the meeting thinking it was Bingo night.

"Look at this poor boy. So addicted he tried to get his caffeine fix off the plastic display outside the store." She paused and motioned for a man and woman to stand. "These are the boy's parents. If needed I'll call on them to share the horror of living through their son's withdrawal, Tragic."

She clicked the remote control, advancing the carousel to the next slide.

"This is Timmy Johnson enjoying his third caffeinated ice cream cone during a ball game last summer. He was so hyper he couldn't bat. It cost his team the win. He's had to live with the shame ever since. There are many stories similar to these. Some have happy endings while others haven't found their endings - and won't unless the village bans the sale of this product from our shops and restaurants. I urge immediate action!"

The nurse sat while others gave her a thunderous standing ovation.

The Council voted to ban caffeinated milk and ice cream from the school's menus and urged the Village Council to ban the products from the village entirely.

The Village Council will consider the issue at its next meeting.

Miss Rose

2011-03-02T06:56:00.005-07:00

Miss Rose greets each morning with an open window and a hello to any pigeon that happens to be calling.

Cloverdale's pigeons know where to go for a bit of seed and pleasant conversation. Mind you, whatever Miss Rose says must be said quickly. Our village pigeons have notoriously short attention spans - a fact which doesn't deter Miss Rose. Even though no pigeon has ever heard the end of one of her stories, Miss Rose tells them anyway to the crisp morning air and the sidewalk below.

The Pekkerman's Day Out

2011-02-27T11:29:00.004-07:00

Toby, Pat and Mary Pekkerman are returning home to Cloverdale on the Coastal Express after spending much of the day at Tamworth on Tide. Tody and Pat read the American film Inception was playing at Tamworth’s Egyptian Theater, and being huge fans of Leonardo DeCaprio, they decided to make a full day of it with lunch on the Boardwalk, an hour or so in the Arcade and the movie - their definition of the perfect afternoon.

Toby is a sweeper at the Comprehensive School, Pat works in the lunchroom and Mary attends Cloverdale’s Community College. Toby lied and called in sick. Pat took a vacation day and Mary went along against her better judgement.

Inception got Toby to think, and even though trains put him to sleep, he was determined not to fall asleep on the Express for fear of having his mind probed. Pat was asleep well before the Conductor slipped the compartment’s door open and asked for their tickets. Mary watched the countryside move by from her seat’s window.

Twenty minutes into their journey home, Mary felt a stirring of mischief. She leaned over to Pat and whispered “You’ve got to pee. You’ve got to pee.” She spoke slowly, giving each word an opportunity to anchor in Pat’s subconscious. Toby watched, and although not being the sharpest knife in the drawer, he caught on to the prank.

“You’re inceptionizing her aren’t you?” he questioned wearing a broad grin. Mary nodded.

“You give it a go,” Mary pointed to Pat's other ear. Toby licked his lips and leaned in closer.

“Tinkle, tinkle tinkle,” his whisper was more a raspy scratching. Mary chuckled. Tinkle was their childhood word.

The trained lurched momentarily as it changed direction for Cloverdale. Pat awoke with a start finding her brother perilously close to her ear.

“Get off!” she shoved him away. She looked a bit hazy, looked at her watch and asked, “How long was I out?”

“Not long,” Mary answered resuming her gaze at the rolling countryside.

Pat got up, straighted her shirt and adjusted her trousers.

“Gotta tinkle,” she said as she slid the compartment door open. Toby and Mary burst into laughter.

“What do you want me to say? Gotta Piss?" Pat wasn't amused by their reaction to her choice of words. "Leave it,” she added as she stepped into the corridor to look for the nearest toilet.

“She got Inceptionized,” Toby said proudly.

“She did at that,” Mary answered as she reached into her purse to find the Wonka Bar she'd purchased earlier at Tamworth on Tide's Train Station. She broke it in half to share with her brother as a reward for work done well.

Outhouse Races at the Guest Ranch.

2011-02-25T05:09:00.002-07:00

I’ll be there – at the outhouse races at the Nemo Guest Ranch. From everything I’ve been told, the event is an absolute hoot and it’s coming up this Saturday, February 26 at the Nemo Guest Ranch starting around 10AM.

The premise is simple: build a mobile “outhouse,” get together a team and push, pull or drag your structure around a timed course. The team with the fastest time wins.

Wins what? I don’t know, but I’m sure the prize is something ’spectacular.’

There is a $75 entry fee for every outhouse entered and those fees go to a good cause. The outhouse races are part of a day-long event that serves as a fundraiser for a local charity. This year the beneficiary of the event is the Northern Hills Alliance for Children and the new First Step Child Care Center.

Last year, more than 1,000 people showed up for the fun day which includes: a bonfire, indoor and outdoor bars, a chili cook-off, a barbecue cook-off, silent and live auctions, a raffle drawing to win an expense-paid cruise and shovel races for the kids. I’ve never seen shovel races before either, but I’m betting they’ll be worth a good laugh, whatever they are.

It’s going to be a cold one on Saturday, so bundle up if you go

Henry Snordbee, A Danger to Himself?

2011-02-22T17:46:00.005-07:00

Henry Snordbee lives in Snordbee Cottage, Cloverdale. He is proud of his independence. His family has tried repeatedly to commit him to the care of Cloverdale's Nearly There Home for the Elderly and Insane. Each time resulted in a court challenge. Each challenge was defeated. Henry celebrates each court victory by hanging a red star in his front window. A drive by his home will show the six stars currently displayed. His children are not happy and vow to continue their effort, saying he is a danger to himself and the neighborhood because of his forgetful ways.

Henry does have his forgetful moments but quickly reminds the social workers that every senior does. Yes, he nearly burnt his home to the ground four times. Yes, he has forgotten to collect his mail, pay his taxes, collect his newspapers, etc. Yes, he forgets to fill his car with gas, blocking traffic. Yes he forgets red zones are for no parking and has, on occasion, confused the gas pedal with the brake (luckily with no injuries to himself or to others). He claims to have Heaven's only Guardian Angel forced to work overtime.

Perhaps some day Henry will lose his case and committed to the Home. But until them, Henry will cherish his independence and take great joy in driving his children to drink.

Melissa Loves Johnny

2011-02-20T10:55:00.002-07:00

Johnny Walker of 34 Creek Lane, Cloverdale is on the lookout for Melissa List and has been since Valentine’s Day. Both are students in the same 6th grade classroom at Confederacy Primary School. Melissa became smitten with Johnny on the day of their class Christmas Party. At 3:15 P.M. Johnny’s hand brushed up against Melissa’s while they were throwing away Christmas wrapping paper left from the class gift exchange. Melissa looked deeply into Johnny’s dark brown eyes and instantly fell in love. Johnny, not realize his precarious situation, made the mistake of smiling.

Johnny is now the target of Melissa’s desire. Melissa spends half the school day focused on the teacher and her lessons, the other half of the day she stares at Johnny. Melissa and her friends stalk Johnny on the playground during recess and lunch. Johnny’s friends are supportive and do what they can to protect Johnny by creating a human protective shield whenever Melissa’s gaggle get to close. Melissa writes numerous notes, only a fraction of which ever get to Johnny, thanks to his network of interceptors throughout the room. They apprehend most of Melissa's notes, write something nasty on them, and send them back. Yet, she still stands undeterred in her devotion. After all, he held her hand at the Christmas party and whispered, “I love you” at the trash can (her version of what happened).

Valentine’s Day was the worst day in Johnny’s life. This was the day his friends couldn’t intercept Melissa's sure to come Valentine. At the appointed hour the sixth grade students were dismissed row by row to deposit their Valentines in each other's decorated boxes. Melissa's row was the first to be called. Melissa made her rounds as the teacher monitored from the front of the class. The slowly moving ribbon of children froze to a stop when Melissa reached Johnny’s desk. They didn't want to miss what would surely be the best Valentine of the day. Johnny looked down at the floor - his face was dark crimson in embarrassment.

“This is for you Johnny,” Melissa cooed as she held out a pink envelope covered in unicorn stickers and rows of XO’s written in pink fluorescent pen. Johnny sat motionless. The pause grew awkwardly long.

“Johnny, Melissa’s has something for you. Be a gentleman,” the teacher saw the situation and acted to keep the Valentine exchange moving. Johnny continued to sit motionlessly.

“Johnny!” the teacher said sternly.

Johnny reluctantly looked up, held out his hand took Melissa’s Valentine. Giggles filled the silent void. Melissa stared down at Johnny and waited for him to open it.

“Open it,” she said impatiently. Several students jumped from their seats to watch, not wanting to miss this true act of puppy love.

Johnny opened the envelope and removed a card decorated in bright purple, pink and blue heart stickers. A note was written in the same pink ink. “You get ten Valentine’s Kisses. Love Melissa”.

The bottom of the card was cut with ten pull tabs, each reading "One Kiss” followed by a heart.

“Is there a problem here,” the teacher walked toward Johnny’s desk, pulling students away and pushing them ever so slightly back toward their own desks.

“No ma’am,” Johnny said as he quickly stuffed the Valentine into his box. It was the worst day in Johnny’s young life.

It has been one week since Valentine’s Day. Johnny has yet to cash in any of his ten gifted kisses. That hasnt‘ stopped Melissa. She pursues him relentlessly reminding him of her special Valentine gift.

Johnny asked for advice from his brothers, sister and parents. Instead of advice, his brothers laughed at him, his sister warned him to be nice and respect the girl’s feelings, his father gave him a punch in the arm and an “at’a boy” and his mother gave him a loving smile and wistful look as she remembered her first true love.

Johnny has three more months of school. It will be the worst three months of his life.

St. Bartholomew's Students Organize The No Cussing Club

2011-02-14T06:52:00.007-07:00

A group of students from St. Bartholomew's Catholic School in Cloverdale are challenging classmates to clean up their language. Brandon Bend, Gage Beazard and Kira Coll are trying to organize the school's first, and as far as this author knows, the only No Cussing Club in Clovershire.

"Cussing has no place in our school," said Kira Coll. "Like, you can't walk down the hall without hearing someone saying something offensive."

"Rude, that's what it is, just rude," chimed in Brandon.

The Sisters of Ever Increasing Hope operate the school and welcome the group's initiative. The Mother Superior, acting on behalf of the school's council, is expected to take action on their request at a meeting Thursday. If the club is approved, the students plan on placing posters throughout the school reminding students that "Careless Talk" is not welcome.

"Careless Talk means swearing and dirty language, including dirty jokes," Gage said when showing the groups first posters, printed and waiting for the Mother Superior's permission.

The three 16-year-old students say it's not uncommon to hear several different swear words in one conversation in hallways. They say club members would be challenged not to swear for certain periods of time and not to tell dirty jokes.

Rupp's Farm Fresh Organic Eggs. A Must for any Respectable "Green" Cloverdale Household

2011-02-11T21:39:00.008-07:00

Hafen and Helen Rupp with Bonnie, their best layer

Hafen and Helen Rupp own the little white house with picket fence and large green yard at the end of Clover Lane in Cloverdale. The house once belonged to Hafen's grandparents. Hafen inherited the home, along with the Rupp chicken enterprise, when Grandpa Rupp ruptured his spleen and went to meet Jesus. Grandma Rupp soon followed. Hafen's parents weren't interested in the property, having acquired a large home and property on the Coast of Despair near Tamworth on Tide. Hafen's father suffers from stress induced asthma and believes the sea air soothes his condition.

The Rupp's Sign on Clover Lane

Hafen and Helen are proud of their happy chicken organic egg business.

"They're happy chickens, and happy chickens lay happy eggs," Helen said as we walked through the small hen house on the back south corner of their property. The smell was disagreeable but I had to agree, the chickens seemed happy, or as happy as chickens could be. I noticed the rail line coming into Cloverdale ran just south of their property.

"What about the train?" I said. "Doesn't the rumbling and horn affect them?"

"No, they're use to it. Real troopers these hens. Nothing seems to faze them," Helen stopped talking and looked up to the sky to ponder an incoming thought.
" I tell a lie. Old man Smout's Great Dane can cause us a world of hurt when he gets loose. A real vicious animal. The hens and I don't like him at all."

Ainsley in her dinosaur costume ready for the day's run

Every day weather permitting, and four year old daughter Ainsley feels like a nice long wagon ride, Helen and Ainsley gather the day's egg collection, stamp them with the Rupp Lion mark, and venture to the shops on the High Street to sell their eggs.

"Moss Wonderland Bakery is our best customer," Helen said while reaching under a large brown hen to pull out a beautiful tan egg. "We also sell to the Piggly Wiggle and Red Owl. The Coop buys their eggs from the Chicken Warehouse on Highway One. I wouldn't eat one of their eggs for all the tea in China. Those chickens are not happy. Stressed is a better adjective. The Coop's only concern is price, forget quality."

Helen's words were filled with bitterness toward the Chicken Warehouse and their treatment of chickens. Helen has Clovershire's Agricultural Ministry on her cell phone's speed dial and calls them frequently with complaints about the Chicken Warehouse. The Ministry's secretary knows that if its a Monday and almost noon, there will be a call from Helen Rupp. Each one of Helen's phone calls are followed by an email. Each email has at least one of Helen's photos attached, taken of the Chicken Warehouse's operations with her Canon camera with telephoto lens.

If there are any eggs left after their deliveries to the shops, Helen and Ainsley will go door to door selling the left over eggs to maximise their profit. More profit means better feed and happier chickens - and isn't that what it's all about? And who can say no to a cute little girl wearing a green dinosaur costume standing on your doorstep with a wicker basket filled with beautiful organic eggs?

"And what about those that drive through Cloverdale on their way to the coast?" I asked as we walked back to the little white house with picket fence. Helen had tea and cakes ready. The cakes were made using happy eggs Helen was sure to point out. "Is there a way for them to enjoy the happy eggs of your farm?"

"Well, folks are welcome to stop by the house and buy directly from us at the door, or if they want to enjoy a freshly cooked happy egg, I'd recommend the Diner on Highway One. We sell to them on a regular basis. Our happy eggs make one fine omelet and the Diner serves breakfast 24 hours a day."

I sat down at the wooden table in the Rupp's kitchen. Helen and Ainsley sat opposite. Helen poured while I helped myself to the most delicious and moist devil's food cupcakes on God's good Earth.

Helen and Hafen with Betty. I came to realize the chicks have interchangeable names until they distinguish themselves either by temperament or egg production.

It was a pleasant afternoon spent learning the organic farm business. And if on occasion you see Helen, Ainsley and their red wagon on the High Street, please stop and purchase a dozen or so of their Happy Eggs. You'll be all the better for it.

Matthew Perry, A Forgetling.

2011-02-08T18:25:00.006-07:00

Matthew Perry lives with his parents and sister on Cloverdale’s Maple Street. His mother always says that its a good thing their home is fastened to the Earth on a secure foundation because if it wasn’t, Matthew would lose it and the family would be homeless. Matthew Perry hears things like that all the time because he was born a Forgetling.

Forgetlings are people that have above average intelligent but can’t seem to remember anything they consider mundane. The term was coined by Professor Delp, head of the Psychiatric Department at Cloverdale’s Community College. He has a special practice working with Frogetlings. He has written several pamphlets on the condition and has been asked to present his research at several gatherings, the latest of which was to the Lutheran Woman’s Organization at the Saved By Grace Lutheran Church in Cloverdale.

Dr. Delp on his way to school. He likes to pause and ponder.

Professor Delp is considered to be on the fringe of acceptable practice by his fellow psychiatrists. He isn’t taken seriously, nor is his practice and research, but that doesn’t deter the kindly 64 year old Dr. Delp. He knows he is helping people suffering from this crippling social behavioural condition and that is all that matters.

Matthew Perry is a regular patient of Dr. Delp, visiting him every Thursday after school. He has been visiting the Doctor for the past seven months. His first appointment came after an incident at home involving his father's best tie. A suddenly forgetful spasm nearly resulted in a spanking sure to be heard up and down the neighborhood. Matthew's mother interceded on her son's behalf and stopped the punishment before it could be carried out.

It seems Matthew was running late for school that day and had misplaced his school tie. Matthew knew the consequences of arriving at St. Batholomew's’s Catholic School without one’s school tie. It meant in school suspension in the office of the Mother Superior of the Convent of the Sisters of Ever Increasing Hope. In desperation, Matthew entered his parent’s bedroom, found his father’s tie and put it on. It was too long. Matthew knew how to solve that problem with a pair of scissors. It was a serious lack of common sense in addition to being forgetful.

Dr. Delp diagnosed Matthew as a Forgetling after their first consultation. Shortly thereafter, he added another condition to Matthew’s file. He labeled Matthew Socially Unaware, meaning he was incapable of determining the proper course of action in any given social situation. When asked his feelings on being diagnosed with two mental disorders, Matthew shrugged his shoulders and asked if anyone had seen his misplaced left shoe.

Matthew will continue to work to overcome his handicaps with Dr. Delp’s help. If you, or someone you love, suffers from Forgetfulness please contact Dr. Delp at the Community College. His practice is reasonably priced and has been known to produce results, albeit limited.

Classical Music and the its Effect on our Young. Tonight on Cloverdale Weekend Television.

2011-02-06T16:40:00.008-07:00

Tonight on Cloverdale Weekend Television's Sunday Classics, a discussion on the effect of classical music on a young and impressionable mind. Tonight's investigation will highlight the tragic consequences of a child's over exposure to Mozart. Sunday Classic's host, Myrtle Pedigrew will introduce us to a young Austrian singer suffering from serious side effects after repeated and prolonged exposure to Mozart.

"My boy was normal, once. Then she got hold of him," the boy's mother said in tonight's documentary. "He was just like the other boys in the neighborhood. He'd play football and hang out with his mates, then she showed up and told us what a fantastic voice he had and filled his mind with all kinds of rubbish about singing. We believed her and went along, not realizing what she was doing to him." In this quote, the mother refers to the neighborhood school's music teacher. The teacher turned down an opportunity to comment for the documentary, pending a lawsuit from the boy's parents.

The Documentary will present a once normal boy, now different. Today he is a boy who suffers from a debilitating illness which manifests itself with strange and abnormal bodily twitches and mannerisms.

"The boy considers himself normal because he sees others in the classically trained population exhibiting the same mannerisms. What he doesn't realize is that he has exaggerated those mannerisms because he isn't old enough to realize that he isn't a 40 year old prima donna, but a 13 year old about to be thrust into puberty," says Dr. Morgan during an interview in the documentary.

Be sure not to miss this story of talent and tragedy and the real world of classical music and its effect on our young. Watch Sunday Classics tonight on Cloverdale Weekend Television.

Marcell's New Glasses. Will You Include Your's on your Organ Donor Card?

2011-02-01T07:07:00.005-07:00

Marcell Mist is a student blessed with new sight at Cloverdale's Middle School. Why the smile seen here in this picture, a smile not seen on Marcell's face for quite some time? Because Marcell is the recipient of a new pair of donated glasses through the Deceased Eyeglass Donor program.

The local government's Deceased Eyeglass Donor Program encourages the Cloverdale's residents to include their eyeglasses on their organ donor permission included on the back of all Clovershire's driver's licenses. So, along with their kidney's and hearts, citizens can donate their no longer needed eyeglasses to those in need. Why take a perfectly good pair of glasses to the grave when someone in your own neighborhood could benefit with their use?

"It is our opinion that eyeglasses will not be needed by those resurrected from the grave when the Lord returns," said the Most Reverend Bishop of the Cloverdale Parish. "I encourage everyone in the village to include your eyeglasses on your organ donor card."

Mr. George Gray

Marcel is the grateful recipient of Mr. George Gray's eyeglasses. George Gray passed away recently due to complications from minor electrocution caused through the use of a faulty defibrillator used to restore normal cardio rhythm during a costly root canal. The Gray children presented their father's eyeglasses to Marcell during a school assembly last Thursday. Marcell stumbled onto the stage because of poor eyesight and poor lighting but left the stage walking sure and steady with a new pair of glasses and clear vision.

"Its a miracle," shouted two students from the back of the auditorium. Each received two days of in school suspension for their flippant remark.

George Gray rests in peace knowing his donation helped a young boy live a richer and fuller life.

If you are interested in becoming an eyeglass donor, please check the organ and eyeglass donor box on the reverse side of your driving license.

Cloverdale's Mennonites, Today on Cloverdale Weekend Television

2011-01-30T07:51:00.007-07:00

The Weather for Cloverdale and the Shire.

A sea of white throughout the Clover Valley envelopes the village and surrounding communities. Thick fog is expected throughout the day with a lifting perhaps as early as mid evening. Safe driving will be jeopardized with limited visibility. Colder than seasonal temperatures accompanies the fog making what some in the weather office are calling "a kind of day not even a strong cup of tea could brighten".

Cloverdale Weekend Television is proud to introduce Cloverdale's first Songs of Praise sponsored by the village's small but noticeable Mennonite congregation. The Mennonite's meet in the Albrecht home on Juniper Street every Sunday at 11:00 A.M. Each gathering is following by worshipful singing and coffee.

The congregation sent the following video and note to CWT :

We've noticed that your station airs religious broadcasting every Sunday morning. Our Cloverdale congregation would like to become part of that tradition by contributing a video to your Songs of Praise program. This video features our small fellowship gathered for morning coffee after service in our house church. Forgive the sound of the camera. Grandmother Willis was raised in the old ways and is unschooled on the proper use of the electronic device. She was elected to video because her voice, at one time beautiful, is now best used for the preaching of the word.

As a small congregation of believers, we want to thank the village for their support and acceptance. While we may dress differently, and at times have issue with certain forms of modernity, we are still Christians who make for good neighbors.

Cloverdale's Gamers Have a New Home

2011-01-26T06:52:00.005-07:00

Until now Cloverdale's gaming population had two options if they wanted to purchase a new game. They could order one online and wait for delivery (and the Confederacy Post isn't known for promptness), or visit Donaldson's Department Store's small video game department next to the televisions and cell phones. The department store's electronics purchaser is 53 year old Eunice Planter. She is of the opinion that most video games are a waste of a young person's time. She is especially vigilant in her civic responsibilities and believes violent video games can twist young fragile and perceptive minds into acts of violence.

Acting on her opinions, Miss Planter stocks Donaldson's two video game shelves with educational games which teach basic math, grammar and spelling. Sales are virtually non existent so she makes up for the short sales in video games by offering good prices on all other electronics.

Mark Savage, Owner of Savage's Gaming in Cloverdale at a Recent Gaming Conference at Tamworth on Tide.

Today there is rejoicing in the darkened bedrooms of Cloverdale's male population. Savages's Gaming opened its doors yesterday. Owner Mark Savage, a decorated veteran of several online military campaigns, invites everyone, both young and old, to visit his new store for their gaming needs. In addition to all the latest games, Savage's offers a gaming room at the back of the store for online gaming. For a modest fee and slighter higher than normal prices for Coke products, you can leave reality and enter Savage's world.

Cloverdale's Chamber of Commerce welcomes this new addition to the village, found on Station Road.

Tulip, Dead at 20

2011-01-20T17:21:00.007-07:00

Tulip, Waiting for her Creamed Beef and Sausage Supper.
Gone, but not Forgotten

News Flash
From the Confederacy Times
Cloverdale

Cloverdale's oldest dog is dead at the age of twenty. Tulip passed away this morning while enjoying a warm bath at the Nearly There Home for the Elderly and Confused. She was the only canine resident of the home, rescued form the animal shelter and adopted as a pup twenty years ago by the Home's head cook.
"Dogs weren't allowed at the Home back then and that policy is in effect even to this day, except of course for Tulip," said the Home's administrator Milo Mortimor. "The cook kept Tulip in the kitchen, but occasionally she'd escape and make her way to the resident's rooms. Of course, when your knocking on death's door, any company is most welcome, especially a loving - although ghastly looking dog."

Tulip became a fixture at the Home and was loved by everyone. Her passing came as shock to the residents, many of whom were immediately sedated to keep their blood pressure under control. Grief councilors were brought in to work with the parish priest from St. Bartholomew and the Pastor from Cloverdale's Saved by Grace Lutheran Church to console the grieving old age pensioners.

"It was suggested we have Tulip stuffed," said Cory Crump, an orderly at the Home responsible for spills and general clean up. "She was invaluable when it came to giving some of the old ducks their sponge baths. Some of these folks don't take kindly to water. Having Tulip on hand calmed them down. They'd pet her while I cleaned them up. If we have her stuffed, they can still hold and pet her thus making my job much easier."

Mr. Crump's suggestion, although logical, is not under consideration by the Home's administration.

Tulip was a loving, buzzard of a dog that made life easier for the many fine folks of Cloverdale. A memorial will be held in the Home's Common Room on Saturday right after morning Bingo and the Noon medications.

Puddles Suffers from Celebrity Depression.

2011-01-14T22:48:00.007-07:00

Puddles lives at 96 Elm Street Cloverdale. Puddles was recently selected to appear as June's Dog of the Month in “The Dogs of Cloverdale Calendar for 2011". Puddles was selected after having been featured as November's centerfold in "BowWow", the bi monthly magazine for Clovershire's Dog Enthusiasts.

Puddle’s owner, Miss Tulip Trump, hasn’t had a moment's peace since the magazine and calendar hit the train station's newstand and the book shop.

“That phone is a constant nuisance,” Miss Tulip said in an interview for Cloverdale Weekend Television. “People call for Puddles at least once or twice each day. I surely understand the stress of stardom. It is a lonely life - for Puddles and me. We can't go anywhere without being recognized. The village children all want to rub their sticky little hand's through Puddle's fur. Before this, I had a happy friendly dog. Now, I'm dealing with Puddle's depression. It hurts me so to see a once lively and vivacious dog cut down so cruelly by fame.”

On advice from her lawyer, Miss Trump canceled Puddle’s breeding matches, leaving the dog unsatisfied and lonely.

“Puddles suffers from chronic depression brought upon by sudden stardom and loneliness. I’d like to honor the matches but my lawyer says to hold out for higher breeding fees because, well you know, Puddles is in high demand,” Miss Tulip explained. “This lack of fulfillment, mixed with constant grooming and other scheduled photo shoots has put Puddles into a nasty gloom. Just last week, Puddles ran out into the road and was nearly run over by the milkman. I think it was a cry for help, most attempted suicides are.”

Puddles snorted, as if in agreement. Miss Tulip wiped a tear from her eye.

Puddles is currently taking a course of tranquilizers and spends much of the day semi conscious on the sofa.

We hope for the best for Puddles and Miss Tulip.

Cloverdale Nearly Buried in Snow. Temperatures Plunge. Catastrophe Averted Thanks to Community Spirit.

2011-01-12T17:30:00.005-07:00

Cloverdale was blanketed with snow yesterday as a strong low pressure system moved in from the Sea of Sorrows. Walking down the High Street was especially treacherous. Several slips and falls were called in to the local emergency services. By 10:00 A.M. the ambulance was going out on regular calls. By 11:00 A.M. the village clinic was overwhelmed with several broken arms and sprains.

At Noon Cloverdale Weekend Television broadcast a public service announcement asking village residents not to venture outside unless it was necessary. The announcer asked those with snowmobiles to help with the collection of fallen residents. Minutes later several snowmobiles were heard moving through the village’s roads and lanes transporting the injured, lame and bleeding to the clinic.

The Mayor ordered the school’s closed right after lunch. Although his intentions were good, the resulting chaos was unforeseen. The village’s school buses were ill equipped to navigate deep snow and ice. The primary student’s bus from St. Bartholomew’s Catholic School slid off Clover Lane and into a large snow drift before making its first drop off. The students were ecstatic when they were told snowmobiles would cart them the rest of the way home.

The public school buses fared no better. One slid on icy pavement into a telephone pole. Several students were treated for bloody noses while they waited for another bus to take them the rest of the way home. Several local residents braved the high snow drifts to bring warm drinks and cookies to the stranded children. Eighty five year old Dana Cooper "The Conjurer", entertained them with magic tricks from the days when he performed on a regular basis at the Grand Theater in the 1950's. The children were delighted. Dana glowed from the attention and told the bus driver that the children's warm reception made him realize how much he missed the stage. His 92 year old agent announced this morning from the Nearly There Home for the Elderly and Senile that Dana Cooper is thinking of a come back tour of the local schools and senior citizen centers.

A Poster from Dana's Early Days.

Snow continued to fall well into the early hours of the night. Highway One to Dibley in the Downs was closed after reports of a large snowfall near the Dibley turnoff. The Coastal Express arrived at the train station 45 minutes late. The conductor received reports that the tracks ahead were snow covered and impassable. Over 120 passengers were left stranded. Many found accommodations in the village’s motels and guest houses. Others found rooms at the Kicking Donkey and Hairy Lemon Pubs. Still others found refuge in the Saved by Grace Lutheran Church’s Social Hall.

Today started with brilliant sunshine and warmer temperatures. It appears the worst is passed. The village will return to normal as soon as the snow plow is pulled from the mammoth snow drift on Elm Street.

A Message from Cloverdale's Council of Churches.

2011-01-09T08:15:00.004-07:00

The Weather for Cloverdale and the Surrounding Communities.

Snow today. Perhaps a dusting in the valleys and heavier at times in the mountains. The cold stays with us like an unwanted guest with lows well below freezing. Dress warmly as you venture outside and drive carefully, roads will be slippery in spots.

Cloverdale's Council of Churches encourages you to attend the church of your choice today. The First United Methodist Church in Cloverdale will host a special showing of Jesus of Nazareth this afternoon after worship service. Come and meet your Methodist neighbors and be spiritually uplifted by this telling of the Holy Story.

December's Bicknell Brewery Students of the Month

2011-01-06T20:48:00.004-07:00

Cloverdale’s Bickwell Brewery, makers of Belair, an ale with character only served in the finest pubs, is pleased to announced the village’s Students of the Month for December. Remember, “If you still have nose hair then you’re not drinking Belair”.

The Bickwell family realize the importance of recognizing achievement, in all its forms.
“Recognize them kids early before life beats ‘em down,” is something Bob Bickwell, president of Bickwell Brewery, is often heard saying.

Every month, the Bickwell family accepts nominations from parents, teachers and students for the previous month’s Student of the Month. The applications are carefully reviewed and the honorees announced in a short school assembly held the first Thursday of every month.

The school’s ban on liquor advertisements is suspended on Awards Day. This gives the brewery an opportunity to display posters of their products in the auditorium’s lobby. The brewery begins each program with a PowerPoint presentation. Some discuss the dangers of drinking and driving. Others urge the students to drink responsibly and knowing their limits. Aluminium Al, The Brewery’s beer can mascot, is on hand to toss out free t-shirts and other prizes. It is an assembly the students never miss - even when suffering from hangovers.

December’s honorees were:

Jose Pascoe.
Jose isn’t very bright or talented, but what a party animal he is. Jose organizes awesome student activities for his Latinos in Action club. He organized Nerf Wars for their November activity. The social was held in the basement of the Cloverdale Community College’s Science Building. Thanks to students like Jose, our brighter more promising Latino students have an emotional release and a chance to work up a sweat and develop good lasting friendships.

Steven Sterling Smith.
Steven is obsessed with physics and has maintained a straight A average since he started the third grade as a five year old. The one aspect of physics that draws him off the normal beaten path into the twilight zone of oddity is the principle of entropy. He sees entrophy at work around him. Things that were once new and pristine slowly degenerate into a chaos if left to themselves without outside interference. New becomes old. Order leads to disorder. Beauty fades to the ravages of age. Steven is determined to do battle with entropy. He monitors his physical appearance several times each day. All imperfections are removed to the best of his ability. Steven wraps everything he owns in the hopes of keeping it as new as possible. Such dedication to discipline impressed the Bickwell jurors, thus leading to his receiving the award.

Congratulations to these two deserving students.

New Donations to the Cloverdale Village Bookmobile

2011-01-04T21:14:00.007-07:00

The Cloverdale Village Bookmobile is pleased to announce the addition of the following new books to its children's collection. These books were purchased with funds obtained from the fees charged for the return of overdue books.

Nancy Morris and her husband Jeff, checking out books to Cloverdale's Children from village Bookmoble.

"The addition of any new book is highly anticipated by our patrons," said Nancy Morris, driver of the Bookmobile. "Once news gets out that the bookmobile has new books we'll have people lined up at each of our stops just to try to get one. I'm guessing each book will end up with long waiting lists of folks anxious to read something new. It's been awhile since the Bookmobile's had anything new. In fact, I believe our last new book was that Julia Child's French Cookbook. We put it on our nonfiction shelf right after that movie about her came out a few years back."

There are some in Cloverdale that are questioning the new titles and their appropriateness for children. The head librarian at the village library responded to those citizens by saying, "Are some of the books controversial? Yes they are. Our village has always accepted differing points of view. We've always welcomed those that are considered slightly off by those from the outside world. So why shouldn't the village library reflect that same degree of oddity? I want everyone in the village to know that each book was carefully screened by the citizens committee that oversees the library's budget and passed as readable within the community's standards."

Cloverdale's children enjoy looking at the pictures in another recent addition to the bookmobile's collection. The picture book is titled "A Child's Primer on Scientific Communism", donated in 1963 by the six members of Cloverdale's Proletariat Party.

Enjoy these new books, and remember to read. Reading is a great way to learn. Remember the slogan above the library's main entrance: Read, Read and Read Some More.

Cloverleaks Brings You the Truth About Millstone Road, Cloverdale.

2011-01-01T12:02:00.006-07:00

This Picture, taken of the Janklef Home before it was torn down, was leaked to Cloverleaks from a source
within the Ministry of Truth, Education and Propaganda.

A Posting from Cloverleaks.
Releasing the Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth
We find the leaks before “They” plug them up.

Two weeks ago something happened at 4:32 A.M. on Millstone Road, Cloverdale that woke the entire neighborhood.

“It drew me straight out of bed to see what was the matter,” said one elderly neighbor who asked not be identified.
“It had the sound of a muffled explosion,” said another woman, again not wanting to be identified. “But we aren’t suppose to talk about it so I’d better hush up before someone finds out.”

The woman was correct. Within one hour of the incident helicopters arrived and what looked like SWAT officers from Capital City closed the entire street and evacuated the neighborhood. Everyone was taken to the Comprehensive School’s theater and introduced to the Minister of Truth, Education and Propaganda (Minitruth). He spent the next twenty minutes explaining the National Secret’s Act and how what happened on Millstone Road fell within the Act’s prerogative. The penalties for ‘talking’ could be severe.

The Minister thanked them for their attention and turned the microphone over to a gentleman wearing a National Gas Board tradesman’s uniform. He gave the audience a speech with power point presentation on the dangers of natural gas.

“It is our belief that what happened on your street was a natural gas explosion caused by the build up of gas under the home in question,” he said as he wrapped up his remarks. “The National Gas Board takes full responsibility and will compensate each of you for any damage caused by the explosion.”

An unidentified man stood up in the darkened hall and raised his hand to speak. “Sir, that was no gas explosion. Did you see the house? I was more of an implosion!”

The room went quiet. The house lights immediately brightened. Two men wearing dark suits and ear pieces converged on the man’s row - each coming from a different direction to cut off any possible escape. The woman sitting next to the man screamed. The man tried to escape by crawling over the people in front of him but was captured before he could do so and dragged out of the hall.

The room was quiet again. Everyone’s eyes focused on the government minister. He looked surprised and perhaps frightened. He cleared his throat and urged the officer from the Gas Board to continue by waving his hand forward.

The gentleman at the microphone continued, his voice wavered showing a level of stress that wasnt’ there before. “As I said, it was a natural gas explosion.”

Mrs. Janklef. Missing.

A woman stood and spoke. Her voice was firm, showing no sign of fear. “That home belonged to Mildred Janklef. I don’t see her here. Is she alright? Was she injured?”

Two more men in suits started moving toward the woman’s row but stopped when the Minister held out his hand and motioned them back into their corners. The Minister took the microphone. “Mrs. Janklef has been taken to Captial City for treatment. There will be no further questions.”

With that the meeting ended. The villagers were taken back to their neighborhood by bus. When they arrived they saw that Janklef home had been torn down. Bulldozers were finishing up the work. Dump trucks were busy going back and forth taking away the debris. Bright yellow police tape surrounded the yard with signs from the Ministry posted at every corner reminding everyone of the National Secrets Act.

The Posters Reminding the residents of Millstone Road of the National Secrets Act.

Today, only those living on Millstone Road are allowed to enter that neighborhood. Police have checkpoints at both entrances and check everyone’s identification before they are allowed to pass. A large plastic bubble covers the place where Mrs. Janklef once lived. People from the Ministry of Science and Industry work in the bubble morning, noon and night. No one can see what they are doing, and because of the signs posted everywhere are too afraid to ask.

Cloverleaks is demanding an explanation. Cloverleaks wants to know what happened on that quiet street two weeks ago. Cloverleaks wants to know what happened to Mrs. Janklef. A check of all hospitals in the Confederacy failed to turn her up. She has effectively disappeared off the face of the planet.

Cloverleaks is defying the National Security Act by bringing this to your attention. Our purpose is to inform only. What you do with this information is strictly up to you.

Cloverdale's Operatic Society Attends the Theater

2010-12-30T13:58:00.010-07:00

Edna Epstein is the President and lead Soprano of Cloverdale’s Operatic Society which meets twice each month at 7:00 P.M. in the Comprehensive School’s theater. She is currently with other members of the society on a two day holiday at the Grand Imperial Hotel in Capital City. She and her husband Edmond are sharing a room with their loved and overly pampered dog, Trixie.

Members of Cloverdale's Operatic Society Preparing for This Year's Production of Snow White

Tonight, the National Opera and Symphony are performing Bach’s St. Matthew’s Passion at the National Theater. It will be carried live on Cloverdale Weekend Television. Two months ago, while rehearsing for their next performance of Snow White (a New Year’s favorite for many in the village and surrounding areas), Doris Dale suggested that the entire Operatic Society attend the performance at the National Theater . Everyone happily agreed and praised Doris for the idea. Doris is the Society’s activities chairwoman and amazes everyone with her suggestions. She claims she is a party animal at heart, although one wouldn’t know that, considering she is rarely seen outside of her modest one bedroom bungalow - except at the Piggly Wiggly for groceries and occasionally at the Kicking Donkey for a gin and tonic. Of course she never misses the Operatic Society. Doris explained that a two day excursion with a nice stay at the Grand Imperial would be the perfect way to top off this year’s holiday season. A round of, “Here Here’s” was shouted across the stage when she finished. Doris blushed and waved the attention away.

The performance was due to start in less than forty minutes. Edna was dressed but kept the rest of the Society waiting in the hotel's lobby while she finished Trixie’s walk on a treadmill supplied in the Hotel's Fitness Room. Trixie would normally walk outside but Edna thought the recent cold might chill her lungs. Edna feared Trixie would catch a cold, and if she did, her snoring and snorting would be magnified. On her bad nights, Trixie has been known to wake the neighbors. Earlier that evening of the Hotel’s porters was kind enough to briefly step outside with her long enough so Trixie could do her business. Edna tipped him generously, took the leash, and walked her pug to the waiting tread mill.

Edna looked at her watch, saw the time and stopped the machine. It was time to collect her husband and the other members of the Society. Edna left Trixie with the kind attendant at the front desk who promised Trixie would enjoy her brief stay in the hotel’s kennel. She assured Edna that only the finest pedigrees were in residence that evening. Edna thanked her for understanding Trixie’s uniqueness.

"Let's be off then," Edna shouted while waving her gloved right hand around in the air as if swatting away a bee. Cloverdale’s Operatic Society followed in a single file line through the hotel’s large brass revolving doors and out into the cold night for the short walk to the National Theater. Doris made a point to be last out. The smile which emerged from her heavily madeup face, reflected the pride she took in knowing their cultural evening was her suggestion. She didn't have the best voice (classified as a scratchy alto) but she did know how to entertain.

Opening to Bach's St. Matthew Passion

Timothy Trinkett Finds Clothing Confusing. The Story of an Apparel Handicap.

2010-12-26T16:02:00.006-07:00

Timothy Trinkett lives with his mother, father, brother, four sisters, maiden aunt and two parakeets in the River Way Apartments in Cloverdale. He is an average student at Confederacy Primary School and does his best to stay out of the way, out of sight and therefore, out of mind.

Proper clothing has been the trial of Timothy’s young life. What to wear, at what time and in what combinations confuse the young boy. Therefore, his way of coping with his apparel handicap is to ignore it and wear whatever he fancies. Matching isn’t a concern, colors are beyond his ability to coordinate and seasonal dressing is only something he’s now beginning to understand.

His mother has grown tired of laying out his clothing day after day, only to have him change what she selected for things he believes are more practical. Take today for instance. Timothy wanted to go outside on this cold winter day in Cloverdale and watch ice float down the Clover River. He knew the river bank would be muddy, and he knew from past experience that mud is both slippery and messy. His way of dealing with the slipperiness and muddiness of mud was to wear one yellow wellington on one foot for the mess of mud and a hiking shoe with deep tread on the other for traction - appearance be damned.

His choice of clothing was both a frustration and a relief to his mother. Notice the sweater. That was her victory. Timothy has developed enough common sense to recognize the need for something warmer than a t-shirt for cold days. It only took eleven years for his common sense to surface - but there it was in its infancy.

Timothy’s apparel failure for the day was his shorts. Because of the potential for mud and mess, Timothy reasoned shorts would be his best choice for an outing near the river. After all, shorts used less material than a pair of trousers and therefore offered better protection from mud. A washrag would quickly take care of mud on the leg whereas the washing machine would be required for muddy pants. The reasoning was sound to Timothy, just not to anyone else.

Timothy went to the river and enjoyed watching the season’s first ice form along the banks. He didn’t stay out long due to the cold but even a few minutes out of the house was enough for Timothy. His sisters and maiden aunt are more than an eleven year old apparel handicapped boy can take.

Cloverdale Weekend Television. Sunday Weather and Songs of Praise. Blessed Assurance.

2010-12-26T08:09:00.004-07:00

The Weather for Clovershire.

The fog that has blanketed the Shire for the past several days has lifted. Expect cold temperatures and bright sunshine throughout the day. Remember, Cloverdale's churches invite you to join them today in worship and urge you to take a moment to check on your elderly neighbors during these cold months of winter. Sometimes the old darlings forget to turn off their stoves and some may have forgotten how to set a proper fire.

Christmas Morning with the Sisters of Ever Increasing Hope

2010-12-25T07:27:00.005-07:00

Cloverdale Weekend Television starts its day of Christmas Broadcasting with a prayer from the Sisters of Ever Increasing Hope, Cloverdale. May the joy of Christmas and the hope of eternal life always be with you.

Merry Christmas

Ministry of Education Film on Christmas.

2010-12-19T06:37:00.005-07:00

Cloverdale Weekend Television is please to offer the following short film produced by the Ministry of Education concerning the proper celebration of Christmas. The Honorable Minister for Education, Dr. Chester Chumble, has approved this message for playing in the Confederacy's schools and on the public airwaves. The Minister wishes to thank The Confederacy Union of School Staffs (CUSS) for providing the actors for the production (the teachers and students from Cloverdale's Comprehensive School).

The Ministry urges you to find ways to make Christmas simple yet enjoyable for yourself and your family.

Thorazine, Found Only at Cloverdale's Clowes Chemists.

2010-12-18T09:30:00.007-07:00

Cloverdale’s Nearly There Home for the Elderly and Senile is pleased to announce a new treatment option for our agitated seniors. Clowes Chemist’s in Cloverdale have procured a delivery of a newly approved compound for the treatment of agitated seniors, our local schizophreniacs and the children in our schools suffering from hyperactivity and excitability.

Thorazine, as advertised in this new poster placed in the front window of the Nearly There Home for the Elderly and Senile, is helpful in the treatment of many disorders of the brain, according to the Confederacy’s Ministry of Drugs and Chemical Compounds.

Clowes, The Chemists, is the sole distributor of Thorazine in the Cloverdale area. In addition to Thorazine, Clowes offers a wide range of drugs, sweets, tobacco and haberdasheries. It is your “One Stop Shopping for Drugs” according to their radio ads, played daily on Radio 4.

Many may not know this, but Clowes also carries a wide range of foreign drugs produced by reputable manufactures. These foreign drugs offer a less expensive option for those not able to afford the Confederacy’s higher standards for compound purity.

Clowes, The Chemists, encourages all to visit their store during the Holiday Season. This week’s specials include a 25% discount on ‘Holiday Bliss‘ a herbal treatment for holiday stress and fatigue. When taken with a small amount of whisky, Holiday Bliss has been known to calm those suffering from excessive holiday excitement. Holiday Bliss' tranquilizing effects are also good for those facing the holidays alone.

Enjoy your shopping experience. Shop the shops of Cloverdale.

Cloverdale's Parthenon and Dorcet Deacon’s Delicious Delicacies. A Perfect Match for your Christmas Festivities

2010-12-15T17:32:00.003-07:00

Cloverdale's Parthenon, Your Home for Christmas Party Fun.

Are you looking for a classy setting for your family, group or organization’s Christmas Party? We ask that you consider Cloverdale’s Parthenon, located at the south end of Cloverdale’s village park, near the duck pond and public toilets.

The Parthenon offers competitive rates with other local venues such as Cloverdale’s two local pubs, The Kicking Donkey and The Hairy Lemon. It can accommodate groups of two to eight persons with sink and microwave provided.

Heating can be a bit of a bother in the Winter. Fires are allowed in the fireplace although there have been complaints about bird nests clogging the chimney.

Dorcet Deacon of Dorcet Deacon's Delicious Delicacies proudly displaying her establishment's Fully Catered English Breakfast Available at Cloverdale's Parthenon.

Dorcet Deacon’s Delicious Delicacies is a local village caterer who offers a discount to groups using The Parthenon. Her kitchen is located just outside the park’s south gate meaning your meal can be cooked fresh and delivered directly to the Parthenon minutes after coming out of the ovens. Her speciality is a fully catered English Breakfast for those families looking for something different for their catered evening meal.

“I know it may seem somewhat peculiar to serve breakfast for dinner but delicious food is good anytime,” Dorcet said in a recent telephone interview. “We’ve catered several full breakfasts for family gatherings at the Parthenon and each was a resounding success.”

The Millard’s booked The Cloverdale Parthenon for their family Christmas party last week. For the past ten years, the Millard’s reserved the Saved by Grace Lutheran Church Hall. But with the passing of Grandpa several months back and Grandma now a resident at the Nearly There Home for the Elderly and Senile (not to mention their oldest Merity, now a student at the Polytechnic and not expected home until December 24th) the Lutheran Hall was just too big for their smaller family gathering. The Parthenon offered the solution. And, with Dorcet’s kitchen able to cater at a reasonable price, the decision was easy. The Parthenon was it for this years Millard Family Christmas gathering.

“We had a great time,” wrote Martin Millard on the post booking survey mailed to him after the event and returned in this morning’s post. “The venue was clean and cozy and the food was to die for, although Mother thought it weird that I ordered the recommended breakfast. We adapted and grew closer as a family over sausage, beans, bacon and egg.”

Cloverdale’s Parthenon should be your family’s choice for your group Christmas Party.

Philmore Pffiggins. Cloverdale's Newly Elected Mayor.

2010-12-12T14:12:00.005-07:00

Philmore Pffiggins is the newly elected mayor of Cloverdale, having beat his opponent by twelve votes in last month’s elections. His opponent, and current mayor, disputed the election and claimed voting irregularities, but such is to be expected in a Cloverdale election. The Shire Elections Board reviewed the charges and found them unwarranted. Their ruling forgave the election judge in charge of the Polling Site at the Kicking Donkey Pub near the village’s train station.

In the ruling, the election board stated,

Regulations strictly forbid the consumption of alcohol by any one serving as an election judge. But considering this election station was located in a pub, and considering the judge at the station was Mrs. Liddy Lampke, a prominent citizen of the community and known to be able to hold her liquor, it is decided that the two pints she consumed during election day did not affect the voting at said location and therefore did not affect the outcome of the election.

The current mayor disagrees but decided not to pursue the matter fearing a reprisal from his landlady, who happens to be a member of Mrs. Liddy Lamke’s Gin and Tonic Club which meets at the Kicking Donkey on the second Tuesday of every month.

Mayor Elect Pffiggins owns the tailor shop located at the back of Beatrix Potter’s Pottery and Fine Porcelain Shop on the High Street in Cloverdale. His suits are know throughout the Shire for quality craftsmanship and unparalleled stitching. In fact, he is wearing one of his own creations in the photograph above, taken during one of his lunchtime constitutionals through the village. Mayor Pffiggins calls these walks “my meet and greets”. It is his way of connecting with the villagers and increasing his business traffic.

Mayor Elect Pffiggins will be sworn in on January 4th at the village library. He is promising a new suit for the occasion and rumor has it he has ordered a new hat from his suppliers in England. The swearing in ceremony may be something our readers will not want to miss.

The Mayor’s Ball and Bingo will be held that same evening in St. Bartholomew’s Social Hall. Tickets may be purchased at the Library, or from Miss Beatrix Potter. Miss Potter has graciously volunteered to help with ticket sales, considering Mayor Elect Pffiggins does not keep a cash register on his premises.

The Twumble's, Cloverdale's Christmas Family for 2010.

2010-12-11T00:05:00.001-07:00

Skye and Orma Twumble live at 1225 In the Marshes, Cloverdale. They were selected to be Donaldson’s Department Store’s Christmas Family for 2010.

Skye is the regional director for Confederacy Telephone and Telegraph. Orma is her kid’s mom and the PTA President for St. Bartholomew’s School.

The nominating committee announced the Twumble’s selection on Cloverdale Weekend Television during a commercial break for the holiday classic “The Wizard of Oz”.

“This is the Twumble family from The Marshes in Cloverdale. They represent everything this village holds dear,” the announcer spoke with his lips actually touching the microphone. You could tell he was nervous and not use to speaking on television with the potential of a few dozen watching. The announcer cleared his throat to continue, then paused when he noticed a disgusting dribble of mucus on the microphone. He took his handkerchief and wiped it clean before continuing. “Mr. Skye Twumble is a respected citizen, known for his trustworthiness. After all, being the district manager for the telephone company gives Mr. Twumble access to everyone’s phone line and therefore everyone’s dirty little secrets. Does he use this information to his advantage? No he doesn’t.”

There was another pause before the announcer continued. “Orma Twumble is the perfect wife and mother. She claims to have a doctorate degree in baking and cleaning and loves to experiment with things baked in a pie crust. Her favorite word is ‘Surprise!‘ - always said when serving a pie to friends and family at her well known Candle lit Suppers.”

The Twumble’s will be honored next week at the following events throughout the village. Be sure to attend one of them and congratulate the Twumble’s for this honored bestowed upon them by your friends at Donaldson’s Department Store.

Sunday. The Twumbles will be the featured guests at the post Mass coffee held at St. Bartholomew’s. Orma has consented to say a few words about the proper role for a Catholic woman in today’s modern society.

Monday. The Twumbles will be singing carols throughout the Department Store between 7:00 and 8:00 P.M. Before that, they will be manning the Salvation Army’s Kettle at the Store’s Entrance.

Tuesday. The Twumbles will be the featured guests on Cloverdale Weekend Television’s “Confederate Mornings” morning news show. Orma, with a bit of arm twisting, accepted an invitation to teach the viewing audience the finer points of creative cooking with pastry. Skye will take the second half hour and cover the history of the telephone and telegraph in Clovershire.

Wednesday. The Twumbles will be the honored guests at the Christmas Sing a long at the Comprehensive School.

Thursday. The Twumbles will take a day trip on the Coastal Express to Tamworth on Tide to do a bit of Christmas Shopping. All compliments of Confederacy Railroad.

Friday. The Twumbles will be the honored guests at the lighting of Cloverdale’s Village Square Christmas Tree. Afterwords, the family will distribute candy canes to those in attendance.

Saturday. The Twumbles will unveil a new roadside sign with their picture welcoming outside shoppers to Cloverdale. The sign is on Highway one right outside of town. Later that night the Twumbles will end their week as Donaldson’s Department Store’s Christmas Family of 2010 by reading “Twas the Night Before Christmas” on Radio Four.

Once again, congratulations to the Twumbles, Cloverdale’s Christmas Family for 2010.

The Grimms Wish You a Respectful Holiday Season. Remember their Motto: Waiting, Always Waiting for your Call.

2010-12-06T17:19:00.007-07:00

A Respectful Holiday Greeting from the Grimms Family
Waiting, Always Waiting for your Call

The Grimms live on Mulberry Circle in Cloverdale. This is their Christmas Card photo for 2010. Try as they might, they couldn’t get little Albert to be as serious about the family picture as the rest of the family. After all, this was the photo to be sent to all their past and future clients. It required a look befitting their business.

“We don’t know where Albert came from,” said Horace Grimms, owner and director of Grimms’ Mortuary and Taxidermy, servicing the dearly departed in Clovershire for the last 54 years. “There is something different about that boy.”

Febee Grimms interjected her opinion about her youngest child. “I don’t think Albert will ever be able to help with the family business.” She paused for a moment and looked at her son and then into her husband’s sad eyes. “We were so hoping for a boy to pass the business on to when we retired. We have our son, but he’s not exactly cut out for the funeral business.”

Febee was correct. Albert’s sisters were well groomed for the funeral business, having learned at an early age to subdue feelings of joy and happiness. You see, the Grimms Funeral Parlor consists of the embalming plant, the chapel, the crematorium, the garage for their two hearses, and the family living quarters.

During viewings and funerals, the girls help with the flowers and the condolences book. They help at the doors and in the kitchen. When not helping their father and mother with a service, they are allowed to play but must keep their voices low and faces somber in case they are seen by the bereaved.

Albert, on the other hand, sees joy in everything around him. Once, during the funeral for the Widow Morris, Albert burst through the chapel doors to tell his mother that he’d caught a butterfly. Febee was mortified. She snatched him up with one arm and carried him from the chapel. She covered his face with her other arm to quiet his voice and conceal his smile. Many sitting in the pews were visibly shaken, knowing the Widow Morris despised children, having taught school for the better part of 40 years.

The Grimms are resigned to their fate, knowing the trails of raising a ‘special‘ child. They will continue to work with Albert, but realize he will never have the temperament to work with the dead.

Albert will be left to find his own way.

The Mulligans Christmas Card Photo

2010-12-01T07:05:00.005-07:00

Dorric Mulligan is the manager of the Kicking Donkey Pub in Cloverdale. Dorric, along with his wife Delma and their children, live in the small flat above the pub. The Mulligan's are a large Catholic family and find the flat 'cozy' to say the least.

Dorric's parents arrived by train on Sunday to spend December and half of January with the family. They are old age pensioners living on a tight budget and haven't the money to stay at one of Cloverdale's fine motels or B and B's, meaning the Mulligan's will have two house guests for the holidays. Delma is not happy about the situation and informed Dorric that he will be spending the next several weeks sleeping on one of the pub's downstair sofas. The aging grandparents are oblivious to the tension caused by their unannounced visit. They suffer from mild dementia and enjoy their daily pint or two of Guinness, which keeps them in a partially woozy and cheerful state.

The family gathered for their annual Christmas photo on Sunday evening. Dorric placed the camera on a tripod, arranged the family, set the camera's timer and rushed back to insert himself into the picture. The camera beeped three times before snapping the picture. The beeping entertained little Tina and drew an immediate reaction. Her reaction confused Grandpa, causing him to loose focus and forget where to look. Grandma never found the lens. She was still trying to remember her youngest grandchild's name.

You'll notice that Dorric cropped Delma out of the picture. It was his own twisted sense of humor. He made the photo card in Photoshop, printed a copy and left it on the kitchen table 'by accident' so Delma could find it. He thought it would lighten her spirits, resulting in an invitation to return to his own bed.

Unfortunately, Delma was in no mood for one of Dorric's practical jokes. Delma exploded. The resulting fallout made the flat unsafe for Dorric and his parents. They are now staying at Miss Libby's Bed and Breakfast for the next few days while Delma finds her emotional footing.

We are all hoping the Mulligans reconcile quickly. The pub has several private bookings for the holiday season, which means its all hands on deck for the pub's staff.

Lillian Wish’s Book Emporium

2010-11-28T11:17:00.007-07:00

Lillian Wish's Book Emporium High Street Entrance.
Today's Highlighted Cloverdale Business for Christmas Shopping

Cloverdale’s Chamber of Commerce encourages our villagers to stay in the village to shop this Christmas season.

“We know how tempting it is to jump on the Coastal Express for a day’s shopping at Capital City or Tamworth on Tide, so we’ve encouraged our village businesses to offer unique items at special prices you might not find at the big shopping centers,” said Councilman Telper during the Black Friday Shopping Extravaganza and Christmas Parade held down the High Street.

Anderson Potter (Santa Claus) for the 21st year in a row. The costume will be retired this year. The Donaldson Family is promising a new 21st century suit for next year's parade complete with electrical lining to ward off the cold of a Cloverdale night.

Many of the hundred or so gathered who braved the cold and snow for the event nodded their heads in agreement (although it should be noted that most of them were the owners and employees of the businesses in downtown Cloverdale who stepped out of their shops just long enough to see Anderson Potter play Santa on top of the Donaldson’s Department Store float for the twenty-first year in a row).

Albert Spitter of 23 Glenwood Close, plays the trumpet for the Salvation Army when
he isn't playing video games or tormenting his sisters.

Cloverdale’s very own Salvation Army Brass Band accompanied the parade playing holiday favorites while Brigadier General Chuck Artz walked up and down the street waving the famous Red Bucket and solicited donations for the poor and needy. Most freely gave. Those less inclined to be parted from their coins received Chuck’s extra attention. The General stood in front of them with a smile stretching ear to ear. General Chuck is the village’s Stare Down Champion. A skill that has served him well in soliciting donations from the Scrooges of the Shire.

The Chamber of Commerce decided to use the village blog “Our Cloverdale” to highlight certain businesses during the holiday season. Our first business is Lillian Wish’s Book Emporium, one of the High Street's anchor establishments. Lillian opened the Emporium thirty years ago with her now deceased husband Filroy.

Lillian Doesn't Sleep Well so the Emporium is Open the Strangest of Hours. Here she is at 2:10 A.M. brewing a
pot of coffee for anyone else that might be out and about.

For the past three decades Cloverdale’s citizens have been treated to a wide variety of books covering “Every Topic Under the Sun, and Then Some More.” Yes, that phrase is also the store’s motto, written by Lillian herself. The store has two openings. The High Street opening is for those looking for the finest in new books and audio tapes. The back entrance (found if you walk down the ally just to the north of the shop) is for those seeking the best prices and selection of used books.

The Back Entrance of the Book Emporium.
Careful to Wipe Your Feet and be mindful of the cat box.

Upon entering the Emporium one feels pitched it into some magical world like the wand shop in Diagon Alley . Lillian is in her Sixties (although it is hard to tell to be honest). Her night shift opening hours are a perfect opportunity for people who work late or students (Cloverdale Community College is close by) to check out the latest book releases or some old school literature.

She calls her store a “Gemischtwarenladen” which translates to grocery store in a really traditional way. She offers the best prices on a great variety of bestsellers and new releases (some are in foreign languages, and if I knew how to read them I’d tell you what they were). And the best part about it is- she knows most of the books she sells.

Get your own customized book recommendation. If you are not into books check it out nevertheless – it will be your special Cloverdale experience. Something to tell your grandchildren. Take some time to get to know one of the village’s genuine “institutions”.
Since the owner is always there until past midnight it is almost like a 24 hours daily store. But please call to make sure it is open.

Tony and the Boy with the Red Sweater

2010-11-21T15:24:00.008-07:00

Tony “The Sheriff” Verchelli is out of the house and patrolling Glenn Close, Cloverdale’s safest street . He woke from his afternoon nap early sensing something was ‘afoot’ in his neighborhood. He usually naps at 1:00 P.M. after he finishes his morning rounds and lunch. If there isn’t an emergency, he will sleep until 3:15 P.M., waking just in time to be out on the street to guard the children walking home from Confederacy Primary School.

His weapon of choice is the True Patriot Double Barrel bb Shotgun given to him last Christmas by a doting Grandfather. Tony’s mother was visibly shaken by the gift, but try as she did, she couldn’t get it away from her son without facing the wrath of the gods in the form of his temper. They compromised in the end . Tony could keep the bb gun IF he allowed her to load it.

Every day Mrs. Verchelli pretends to load the gun just before Tony leaves the house to do his morning rounds of the neighborhood. She’s sure that if he doesn’t shoot his own eye out, he will someone else’s. Tony is on to his mother’s deception, but pretends to be oblivious to the scheme. He has his own private stash of ammo.

One cold afternoon in January, Tony took his Big Wheel on an unapproved shopping trip to the village center to purchase a box of bb’s from Donaldson’s Department Store. He used the money given him by the Widow Doxey after he rescued her from a wet slobbering from Tulip, the Melman’s overly friendly Great Dane, who had escaped earlier in the afternoon when a negligent meter man failed to lock the Melman’s back gate.

“Are you sure you’re old enough to buy these?” the cashier asked as she bent over the counter to see the 4 year old
.
“My mom says I’m a big boy and can buy my own things to learn ‘sponsibilty,” Tony said, struggling with the word responsibility. He’d heard him mother use that word many times in reference to the gun, and gambled it would work in that situation. His gamble paid off. He cycled home listening to the jingling of hundreds of bb’s in his coat pocket.

Tony jumped from his bed, reached for his jacket and gun, found his mother napping on the couch, woke her and asked her to tie his jacket (cape) around his neck. Just as Tony shut the garage door he heard his mother yell at him to stay in the front yard. Both she and Tony knew that wasn’t going to happen. He had a job to do and had a feeling something was ‘afoot‘ on Glenn Close.

Tony jumped on his Big Wheel and rode to the front curb. He glanced up and down the street. There was nothing suspicious. He looked up toward the eastern sky. A storm was building. Dark clouds blotted out the sun. The wind picked up a moment later. A layer of dust from the road spiraled upward and moved down the road like a small tornado. Tony reached into his pocket, took out his swimming goggles and placed them firmly over his eyes to protect them from the blowing dirt.

Just then he noticed something red moving toward him from the far end of the Close. He couldn’t make out what it was at first, but a few seconds later the outline of a young blond boy wearing a red sweater came into view. The boy walked straight for Tony, slowly and with purpose. Tony had never seen the boy before. A chill when up his spine. He reached for his bb gun and bb’s.

Tony knew there was something unnatural about this boy wearing a red sweater, but didn’t have the luxury of time to play detective. He had a street to protect.

And protect it he would.

Blog Reference: http://ourcloverdale.blogspot.com/2010/01/boy-with-red-sweater.html

Harry Potter Fans Riot at Cloverdale's Grand Theater

2010-11-20T00:20:00.008-07:00

Morris Klep, Manager and Projectionist of Cloverdale's Grand Theatre.

Breaking News from
The Confederacy Times
Cloverdale's Weekly Newspaper

It was a turbulent Friday night at Cloverdale’s Grand Theatre on the High Street for the village premier of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
“We expect a full house,” said Morris Klep, manager and projectionist. Then, after looking out the window at the line stretching down the street and interfering with traffic, he said "a full house" was an understatement. He confirmed what everyone half way down the street already suspected, The Grand wouldn't have enough seats for even a forth of the people in the line.

Many of the people in line were dressed in costume. Cloverdale’s weekly newspaper, The Confederacy Times, ran a story the week before reporting that everyone who came to the premier in costume would be admitted first. The costume promotion was Morris Klep's idea to drum up buzz for the movie. He looked again out the window at the growing crowd and took relief in the fact that he had an excuse to turn the uncostumned back ticketless. Its what he didn’t know that disrupted the peace of Cloverdale’s village centre that night.

Two days before the premier, students from the Comprehensive School’s monthly student newspaper printed hundreds of badges that read “Muggle”. If Morris had looked more closely he would have seen them selling the buttons up and down the line of hopefuls. Now the manager had a real problem. Everyone in the line was in some kind of costume to fit the Harry Potter universe and this meeting his requirement of wearing a costume for preferred seating. Morris flew into a rage after discovering he’d been duped and promptly instructed the ushers to go down the line and award passes to everyone in a ‘Real‘ costume.

That’s when things got ugly.

Floyd Pepper, the theater’s sixty five year old head usher was the first to brave the crowd. Five minutes later the ambulance arrived to rush him to the clinic for stitches. He was viciously attacked by a wand bearing "Muggle". His three minor puncture wounds were not life threatening.

Sixteen year old Penny Ploom was the next ordered out. Three minutes later she struggled to get back to the safety of the Grand's lobby. She was drenched in butter beer. Another of the Comprehensive School’s fund raisers, being sold up and down the line by the school's Drama Club. She was lucky. There was no blood loss - just her dignity.

Morris Klep had had enough and called the police. Their arrival only made things worse, resulting in shouting, shoving, cursing, and spitting. Spells cast with waving wands peppered the two village constables. Seeing they were outnumbered by a very determined mob of fans, the police withdrew and called in the fire department. Cloverdale’s one engine arrived, attached its hoses to the nearest hydrants and turned them full blast into the crowd. The water's force sent witches, wizards and muggles tumbling down the street.

It was surreal.

Morris saw his chance as the stunned crowd struggled to get back on their feet and regain their senses. He opened the theater’s doors and admitted those that got to the ticket booth first. Within minutes the theater was full and the doors shut and locked.

Thirty minutes later Morris sat in the projectionist booth grateful it was all over. Besides the dripping wet carpets and patrons, the only evidence of the Harry Potter riot was the wet dog smell that permeated the theater.

It was something he could live with.

You Can Never be Too Careful

2010-11-15T07:03:00.005-07:00

This appeared in last week's edition of Cloverdale's weekly newspaper, the Confederacy Times. Of course one can never be too careful, although the last time any kind of a bomb explosive was used in Clovershire was several years ago when a group of students from the Comprehensive School in Cloverdale placed a bomb made from the powder of several firecrackers in the Headmaster's curbside mailbox. The device blew the lid open. The mailman didn't mind. It saved him having to open the box for the morning's mail.

The mailbox with blown open door.

Milton and Puddles

2010-11-13T13:28:00.005-07:00

Milton Hollinsworth’s best friend Puddles went missing earlier in the afternoon after a good swatting with Cloverdale’s Weekly Newspaper, The Confederacy Times. Puddles, keeping true to his name, did what Puddles does best - he wet on Lady Hollinsworth's white parlor room carpet.

Milton heard Puddles’ yelps from his bedroom, followed by the maid’s swearing in Spanish. He jumped off his bed and raced down the stairs to save his dog but it was too late. Puddles was out the front door and down the street.

Lady Hollinsworth was visibly upset as she stood over the maid.
“Scrub harder,” she said sternly. Rosa, the family housekeeper, was on her hands and knees doing her best to restore the carpet to its pre Puddles state.
“Just look at how my hands are shaking. That dog upset’s me so.” Lady Hollinsworth held out her quivering hand, weighed down by the largest diamond Rosa had ever seen. Rosa stopped to look.
“Back to work before that stain sets in,” Lady Hollinsworth scolded. Rosa shrugged her shoulders and return to the carpet.

Milton waited for Puddles to return. At 9:00 P.M. he was ordered off his watch and to bed.

The next morning Milton was up all the earlier. He didn’t wait for Rosa to set his school uniform out. He dressed himself, poured his own bowl of cereal, burned a piece of toast, set off the smoke alarm and heard his mother shouting for Rosa from her bedroom. She sounded upset for having been woken up before 10:00 A.M. Rosa said something to Milton in Spanish as she raced up the stairs. Her foul appearance helped Milton understand that whatever she said wasn’t complementary.

Milton rushed outside, found his scooter next to the garage and set out on a mission to find his dog Puddles. If Milton read the time correctly, he had 30 minutes before the first bell rang at St. Bartholomew’s Primary School.

Milton heard barking as he scooted down the High Street. He stopped, jumped from the scooter and looked behind him. Puddles was on the other side of the street barking around the feet of the Postman making his morning deliveries. Milton was relieved but thought it best to hide his joy at finding his dog. He needed to show Puddles that running away from home was bad.

“Puddles!” Milton shouted, mimicking the tone his mother uses on him whenever she is upset and has a headache. The dog stopped, saw his master and darted into the road. Milton shouted at the dog to stay. Puddles disobeyed, which wasn’t surprising. The screeching of brakes was followed by a stillness. Milton stood by his scooter in disbelief. Once again, Puddles was true to his name, in a very unfortunate way.

________________________

On Milton’s insistence, Lady Hollinsworth agreed to a burial near the back garden gate. She gave permission for Rosa to call the Priest but declined to attend the dog's burial. She was in bed with a headache. She had a dinner party to prepare for and needed her housekeeper to do the shopping and ready the house. The funeral service was not on her agenda and the inconvenience was upsetting. Yet, on Rosa’s insistence, she released her long enough to hold Milton’s hand during the burial prayer.

Jonas Meeps To Speak in Cloverdale's Mormon Primary.

2010-11-07T11:09:00.003-07:00

Eight year old Jonah Jeremiah Meeps is giving a talk in church this Sunday. It will be his first since the incident two years ago when he gave his first talk at age six. On that Sunday in 2008, little Jonah Jeremiah Meeps stood before the other nine children making up Cloverdale’s small LDS (Mormon) Primary and bore strong witness that Jesus was his Savior. What Sister Peau, the President of the Branch’s Primary, forgot was that Jonah’s family were recent converts to Mormonism, having converted from a sect of Christians that fed off hell, fire and damnation sermons in a small Evangelical church at Dibley in the Downs.

“Are you washed in the blood?” Jonah shouted in his young soprano voice. “If not, then the devil himself - Yes, I’m talking about Lucifer, Son of the Morning, Father of the Antichrist will have your soul and take you down to burn in a lake of fire and brimstone!”

Sister Peau squirmed in her chair. Two of the other three adults in the room did the same. Jonas mother sat in the back of the room with a bible in one hand and a Book of Mormon in the other and vocalized many “Thank you Jesus’s” at the end of every sentence in her son’s sermon. She knew Jonas was bringing the children’s attention to their multiple sins. She could see the fear of Hell etched in their little faces.

“If you want salvation, then you must come up to me and repent. You can do it. Don’t let the Devil take you away because he’s coming. Yes I hear him at that very door,” Jonas said pointing to the closet where the chairs and hymnbooks were stored. Jonas paused for a moment so the children could listen. The room was silence for a moment before his mother shouted a “Thank you Jesus” from the back of the room.

Jonas smiled at his mother and continued. “Do you feel his claws on your shoulders? Save yourself, Come to me,” Tears of joy ran down Jonas’ face as he clutched his bible and looked up into the blinking florescent light fixture over head.

At that moment six year old Molly Stringer screamed in terror. Ten year old Marcus Stump had grabbed her shoulders from behind, giving the young girl the fright of her life.

“The Devil ain’t getting me,” Milroy Crombie jumped from his seat and moved toward Jonas, knocking over every chair in his path. The other eight children followed quickly. Two of the youngsters fell and were trampled in the rush to get away from the closet door. They suffered minor bruising that resulted in more crying than the injuries deserved.

It took Sister Peau, and a member of the Branch Presidency, several minutes to calm everyone down. Jonas was asked to sit down. Sister Meeps sat in the back showing obvious joy that Jona’s ministering had had such remarkable results. She didn’t doubt their new Mormon faith had the truth, she just felt they needed to get off their backsides and proclaim it to the world the way they did in their old congregation.

Now, two years later and much the wiser, Jonas will give a talk in Primary on the importance of baptism. His mother helped write the talk, then had it reviewed by Sister Peau for LDS political correctness. Sister Peau crossed out several passages outlining the importance of Grace in the salvation process. Sister Meeps was OK with that, remembering her new Mormon friends seemed overly fixated on Works over Grace. Why they all wanted to work out their own salvation was beyond her, but it was something she could live with.

Jonas practiced the talk over and over until he could deliver it without notes. Sister Meeps was so proud of her son she took him down to the local Piggly Wiggly to have his picture taken in the 3 Minute Passport Photo Booth located near the mechanical horse and fire engine rides.

“He will make a fine missionary one day,” she said to the store manager who had come over wondering why a crowd of shoppers was blocking the store’s entrance. He was surprised to find Jonas standing in his store’s photo booth giving a sermon on baptism. Mrs. Meeps and Jonas took advantage of the three minutes it took to develop his pictures and spoke to the shoppers about their salvation. They returned home with a wonderful picture of Jonas preaching with his Bible and the names of several shoppers for the missionaries.

Pearl Returns to Work

2010-11-04T19:14:00.005-07:00

Pearl Prestwich lives in a modest brick bungalow surrounded by lilac and a white picket fence on Tulip Lane in Cloverdale. It has been her home for fifty one years, forty five of which were spent with her beloved Aurthur, recently passed.

Pearl and Aurthur lost much of their savings in the great recession, leaving Pearl in a financial situation requiring her to seek part time employment. She knew her advanced age would be one factor against her. After all, who would want to hire someone squarely in the winter of her life? And not having worked for many many years, Pearl’s self confidence in her talents and abilities lacked a firm foundation. Facing rejection on a daily basis was something Pearl feared.

One Tuesday evening, while dozing in front of her gas fire and the company of Cloverdale Weekend Television, Pearl happened to wake long enough to hear someone talking about jobs in this tough economy. She sat up in her chair, reached for her glasses from the side table and watched. One thing the commentator said struck a chord. He said the successful job applicant was one that effectively used his or her network of family and friends.

Pearl thought for a moment, then reached for a tablet and pen and made a list of family and friends. Next to each name she wrote where they worked, and starred the places she thought she’d like to work. Half way down the paper she wrote her great nephew’s name. Next to it she wrote ‘Cloverdale Bank’. That was it. Working in a bank was something she could do. After all, money hasn't changed much over her lifetime. She got out of her chair, walked to the kitchen and looked through the various scrapes of paper hanging by magnets from the refrigerator door. She found her great nephew's name on the back of an electricity bill from 2002.

Two weeks later Pearl arrived at the bank for her first day of work. Her great nephew was the manager of the Cloverdale branch and, although reluctant to do so, gave her a job as a data entry clerk. Her first hour was spent with her supervisor. He introduced her to the rest of the employees, took her to her desk, gave her a crash course in the data entry computer program then left her with a stack of papers and instructions to have them digitized by noon.

Twenty minutes later Pearl was at the supervisor's desk asking for Windex and a rag. Apparently she'd tried to correct a misspelled word on her computer with a bottle of white out found at the back of her desk drawer. Her supervisor sat in complete shock. Pearl was told to take the rest of the day off. She spent most of it working in her garden and worrying about what she’d done. By dinner time her stomach was so knotted she managed to keep down one bowl of Campbell’s tomato soup and nothing else.

The following morning there was a note on her desk asking her to go straight to her great nephew’s office. When she emerged twenty minutes later she had a new job at the bank, something not so technical. She was Cloverdale Bank's new part time security guard. She had a chair near the front door so she wouldn't have to spend endless hours on her feet, she had a very nice and official uniform with badge, and she was issued a fake gun. Fake as in it wouldn’t fire but very realistic in appearance and weight.

That next day Pearl was at her post near the front door. She kindly greeted all the customers as they entered the bank and had the pleasure of giving suckers and balloons to the children. It was a perfect job, and best of all it came with a raise. There was one drawback though. The weight of the pistol hanging on her right hip pulled her to the right whenever she walked.

Pearl was frustrated the first day after spending twenty minutes walking various trajectories and angles just to reach the bathroom. On the second day her mental math improved. She was able to calculate the circle’s arc well enough to reach the bathroom on the third attempt. Today she has it mastered. For instance, the staff break room is at Pearl's 3 o'clock. She knows that if she wants to go to the staff room to have a cup of coffee for her morning break she starts her journey by walking to her 1 o’clock. The gun's pull on her right hip will place her on a circular journey landing her right at the staff break room in front of the coffee machine.

Pearl is happy, her great nephew is happy and life in our sleepy village moves on.

Cory Perry, Cloverdale's King of Trick or Treaters

2010-10-31T15:16:00.008-07:00

Cory Perry, King of the Trick or Treaters

Cory Perry is Cloverdale’s Champion Trick or Treater. For the last three years his candy income on Halloween has far exceeded all other competitors, winning him the Trick or Treater of the Year Award sponsored by Cloverdale’s very own Humbug Confectioners on the High Street.

“Last Halloween I took in almost two full pillowcases of candy,” Cory said just before leaving his home for this year’s trick or treating. Cory, along with many of Cloverdale’s other faithful Christians went on their sugary quests on Saturday night, October 30th, instead of Sunday night, October 31st.
“You shouldn't be trick or treating on a Sunday, besides I'm dressed as a devil and that wouldn't be right either,” he explained when asked why he was standing on the Wheezer’s doorstep at 2:30 P.M. Saturday trick or treating.

Most of the village’s children joined Cory. Many did it out of respect for their preacher's advice, while others were not quite so pious. They schemed to trick or treat both Saturday and Sunday nights, thus making this year’s Halloween a two night ghoulish holiday.

Cory understood this two night Halloween could cost him his crown as King of the Trick or Treaters, considering he would only go out Saturday night and not Sunday. His only chance to win was to start trick or treating early Saturday afternoon. He knew his decision to start right after lunch could result in a few slammed doors and upset neighbors - but it was an embarrassment he could live.

Cory’s first stop was the Nearly There Home for the Elderly and Confused. He moved from room to room up and down the halls collecting generous handfuls of candy, an advantage for being the first trick or treater of the season. Some of the residents knew it wasn't Halloween, but they didn't mind - any and all company was welcome.
Cory found a few surprises in his bag mixed in with the candy - such as a set of dentures and several pills later identified as sedatives and stool softeners.

It took Cory roughly thirty minutes to canvass the rest home. The weight of his pillow case was impressive. The amount of time it took him to get this much candy over such a short period of time made Cory think. Then he had a brilliant idea. He rushed home, changed his costume from a devil to a overly sunburned swimmer and returned for another round up and down the halls of the Rest Home. No one was the wiser and Cory came out well on his way to another championship.

Later in the day several of Cory’s friends from school and his Sunday School class joined him on Elm Street. Elm Street was the Trick or Treaters‘ heaven. This is where many of the village’s movers and shakers lived. They were the elite, the rich, the snobs. Every child in Cloverdale knew the folks on Elm Street always tried to out do each other on Halloween.

Last year, while trick or treating up and down Elm, Cory came up with another brilliant idea. He asked his friend to hold his bag while he rushed to Humbugs to buy a King Sized Willy Wonka Bar. He and his friends finished the street after he returned. Their plan was simple, on every doorstep his friends would shout "Trick or Treat" while Cory nibbled on the King Sized Candy Bar. Cory knew the residents would see the gigantic bar and want to know who was giving them out.

“Who is giving away king sized candy bars?” they asked, often in a shocked tone.

“Why, your awesome neighbor down the street," Cory answered pointing down the street. "Don’t know their name but they are the best!".

Cory and his friends knew their scheme would work and told all the other trick or treaters what they'd done. They all knew that next year's Halloween would be mean an abundance of King Sized Candy Bars on Elm Street.

Saturday night proved Cory right. He and his friends scored big time on Elm Street. Almost every home handed out King Sized Chocolate Bars. Word spread quickly throughout the village and within 30 minutes the street was congested with traffic. The village Constable was called out to help move the cars along. It was awesome.

Every trick or treater on the streets Saturday night gave Cory Perry high 5's for what he'd done. Cory was pleased his plan worked out as well as it had.

At 6:30 P.M. Cory made his first stop at Humbugs to have his pillow case weighed for the competition. It came in at just over twelve pounds. The employees and patrons cheered while the other trick or treaters moaned. Their bags weighed far less.

Cory knew he was running out of time. His parents wanted him home by 9:00 P.M. and the math just wasn’t there. Considering he had two and one half hours to go and at least another bag needing to be filled, Cory realized the two night trick or treaters could beat him.

That's when Cory had another brilliant idea. His first stop after Humbugs was his fifth grade teacher’s home.
“Can I borrow some crayons and paper?” he asked. He rushed into the house, took the paper and crayons, and made a badge. It read “Trick or Treating for the Children of Haiti”
“What’s this all about?” his teacher asked.
“I’m going to give everything from this bag to the earthquake victims of Haiti?” Cory answered.

His teacher told him how proud she was of him and pinned the badge on his costume. A moment later Cory was off with his friends. The teacher picked up the her phone and called Cloverdale’s local newspaper and Cloverdale Weekend Television. Twenty minutes later a reporter from the newspaper found Cory on the road and took his picture. A few minutes later a reporter and news truck from Cloverdale Weekend Television found him. Anyone watching CWT Saturday night had live up to date coverage of this remarkable young man as he worked so hard to bring a bit of sugary happiness to the poor children of Haiti.

Cory’s hunch proved spot on. With television camera’s running, Cory’s stops resulted in handfulls of candy poured into his pillowcase. Some family’s went the extra mile for the television camera and included money with their generous candy donations.

At 9:00 P.M. Cory arrived at Humbug’s for his final weigh in. His parents were waiting to take him home. He walked in with one full pillowcase. His other four full pillowcases were carried by the Constable, his teacher and two friends.

There was no doubt. Cory Perry was King of Trick or Treaters for 2010. No one could beat him. The shop erupted in cheers. Cory’s mom gave him a big hug and kiss. His dad shook his hand and said, “Well done son.” Flash bulbs lit up the shop’s display cases. It was a night never to be forgotten.

Cory Perry was indeed a legend.

Songs of Praise. Cloverdale Weekend Televison. Pie Jesu

2010-10-31T07:59:00.003-07:00

The Weather for Cloverdale and the Shire.

Sunday arrived cooler than expected. Warming is expected into the mid day with calm breezes and the slightest chance for rain. Periods of sun throughout the morning with cold expected in the P.M. This is a brilliant start to a week of beautiful skies, moderate temperatures and little precipitation.

Songs of Praise is brought to you by Cloverdale's Council of Churches. Remember to take a moment to thank God for his blessings.

Daffodil Umbrella Works Celebrates 100 Years!

2010-10-28T06:26:00.006-07:00

The Daffodil Umbrella Works in Cloverdale celebrated its 100th anniversary on October 22nd. The Works opened its doors on October 22, 1910 in the old St. Philips Anglican Church. Thousands and thousands of their signature yellow umbrellas circle the planet today.

Opening a Daffodil Umbrella on a rainy day is considered by many to be status symbol. If one owns a Daffodil it would be expected that one would also drive a Rolls Royce and vacation in Monte Carlo. The Daffodil's patented dark yellow speaks of quality construction with only the finest materials, something the founder of the company, Philo Saffron, insisted upon.

Philo Saffron, Founder of the Daffodil Umbrella Works,
Cloverdale 1911.
Photo take 21 years before his untimely death due to old age.

The anniversary was a spectacular success complete with entertainment provided by Cloverdale's very own Moonbeam Quartet.

Cloverdale's Moonbeam Quartet
(Available for your special event. Please call. Please.)

The Moonbeams have delighted audiences for three years with their lively repertoire of simple shire melodies. Fireworks followed the entertainment, dinner and dance.

Four Poppins on an Autumn Afternoon

2010-10-25T17:00:00.004-07:00

Something rarely seen in Cloverdale. Four Poppins were seen walking from the train station to the shops on the High Street. The Poppins usually don’t take the train, or travel by car. In fact, for years the locals have wondered how they get from place to place.

The Poppins are friendly to talk to but remain secretive about their family and their family business ventures. What I do know is that most female Poppins find excellent employment in child care. They prefer short contracts in troubled homes and schools that need their ‘magical’ touch. Once they’ve done what they can do (work miracles according to anyone that has ever employed a Poppins) they move along, leaving the easier work to others not ‘classically’ trained, as they like to put it.

The four Poppins you see above walking on the High Street are in training (notice their similar dress - hat, coat, scarf and shoes). Once again, a part of their classical education.

I bumped into them again an hour or so later at the Kicking Donkey. They were enjoying a glass of wine before returning to the Station for the 4:10 to Tamworth on Tide.
“Enjoying a break from your training?” I stood beside their table, interrupting a conversation on the quality of the wine.
“Our training never ends,” the eldest said before taking another sip from her glass. “Experiencing the world is part of a good education. It helps us relate to the children placed in our care.”

I hoped they would tolerate another question or two. I cleared my throat, “I saw you coming from the train station about an hour ago. It’s rare to see a Poppins on a train."

“I love the train,” the youngest spoke. Her bright green eyes sparkled when she spoke.

“We know you do,” the eldest said in a tone intended to remind the youngest not to state the obvious. “We must be leaving ladies. We have families waiting. Gather your things.”

The four stood and promptly left the Pub. The smell of lilac lingered behind like a pleasant afterthought. I returned to my seat to finish my sandwich and Diet Coke.
"One day," I thought to myself, "I'll unlock the code to the Poppins."

I looked at the clock. It was getting late. The Autumn sun was sending long shadows across the High Street. I still had a few errands to run before dark. Off in the distance I heard the 4:10's whistle as it approached the station. I left a tip at the table and moved out into the late afternoon.

Michael Junior Sings on Cloverdale Weekend Television

2010-10-24T06:28:00.007-07:00

The Weather for Clovershire and its communities

Clovershire's weather changed dramatically overnight as a strong cold front bullied its across the shire from the coast. The warm calm of the past several weeks is gone for the foreseeable future.

Expect rain from time to time along with cold winds. It promises to be a good day to invite friends and family over for Sunday dinner followed by a nice cup of tea blessed by a warm fire.

A Message from our friends at Cloverdale Weekend Television.

Tune out the expected howling winds and pounding rain by watching an evening of fine music on Cloverdale Weekend Television.

Mr. Skinner Dreams of Space

2010-10-23T07:25:00.003-07:00

Matthew Paul Skinner is enjoying a winning cup of Premium Colombian Roasted Piggly Wiggly coffee. The Pig’s Premium roasted blend is his coffee of choice to calm him after a day of dealing with teenagers at the Comprehensive School in Cloverdale.

Mr. Skinner teaches physics and astronomy, subjects he is passionate about. That passion, paired with highly entertaining lessons, motivates his students to dream big and work hard to achieve those dreams.

One of Mr. Skinner’s dreams is to become the Confederacy’s first astronaut. Being a realist, Mr. Skinner understands that The Confederacy will never be a player in the exploration of space. The country is too small and struggles to find a voice in a world dominated by the big boys like the United States, Russia and China. But that doesn’t stop him from dreaming.

Last year Mr. Skinner read about a paying passenger taken to the International Space Station on a Russian Soyuz rocket. Suddenly it became clear to him, sending a paying passenger with the Russians was the only way the Confederacy would ever have an astronaut. And who better to represent the Confederacy than Cloverdale’s very own Mr. Skinner, an award winning teacher.

Of course, such an endeavour required a couple million dollars. Mr. Skinner needed sponsors. He needed help from Cloverdale's local businesses. Over time an idea began to take shape.

Mr. Skinner built his own mock space capsule in his garage, complete with small galley equiped with a coffee maker, refrigerator and microwave oven. Images of Earth from orbit play on a small 17 inch TV framed by a circular porthole. He snapped several pictures of himself in the capsule enjoying the finest products produced by Cloverdale businesses. With his photographs in hand, he made the rounds to local businesses to ask them for their sponsorship.

To date the photograph above garnered the largest donation from Piggly Wiggly. A large poster sized copy greets customers near the automatic doors and rows of shopping carts. A banner hangs above the poster encouraging shoppers to try the Pig’s own blend of premium coffee. The evening manager says the ad has increased coffee sales. With that encouraging news, Mr. Skinner plans on taking more pictures of himself in his capsule holding several other Piggly Wiggly brand name items. The next one to come out will feature the Pig’s Peanut Butter, the perfect food for space.

Mr. Skinner’s second largest donation came from Moss' Wonderland Bakery on the High Street. He photographed himself sitting in his capsule in full astronaut gear enjoying a frosted Bismark. Sales of Bismarks are up 22%. Mr. Moss is considering another poster featuring his delicious Apple Fritters.

Mr. Skinner raised $400.00 with both donations, meaning he is well on his way to the $2,000,000.00 or so dollars needed to buy his ticket into space.

Are you interested in having your product promoted by Mr. Skinner? Call him directly at Clover 4- 3245 to set up a consultation

Trixie's Tea and Talk

2010-10-19T15:45:00.002-07:00

Trixie Dunn will celebrate her tenth year with Cloverdale’s Meals on Wheels program. She started in 2000 on her 81st birthday as a meal delivery volunteer. After two weeks on the job Trixie was called into the program director’s office and asked about a series of complaints the Agency received about late cold lunches. The ten minute investigation uncovered the following two facts.

Trixie is the village’s most cautious driver who rarely drives faster than ten miles below the posted speed limit. Her age and poor vision contribute to her caution. Another reason is her second volunteer job. Trixie is the village’s Beautification Award Chairwoman. Her job is to identify Cloverdale’s best kept gardens and present them to the village council for recognition. Trixie drives slowly so she has time to view the gardens as she passes. Good news for the home owner, bad news for the pensioner waiting for his meal or anyone unlucky enough to be driving behind her.

Trixie loves to talk. She has the gift of gab. She like to point out that a Trixie meal on wheels includes a meal, tea and talk. This perfect combination works well for her first two deliveries, but not for the remaining five - the last of whom gets his cold lunch just before suppertime.

The director realized that Trixie was one of those people that operate in permanent slow motion. That was a strike against her. In her favor was the fact that she was his most reliable driver. Trixie was always present with her 2001 Buick to collect her meals no matter what the weather or misfortune.

The director thought for a moment. He wanted to devise a way to keep Trixie without making the elderly wait on their lunches. Then an idea sprang to mind. “Capitalize on your organization’s strengths”, he remembered hearing from one of his management seminars. It was then he thought of a new program to offer the village’s elderly - Trixie's Tea and Talk.

When you out and about on any afternoon (or early evening) look for Trixie’s silver Buick with a magnetic sign on the driver’s door reading “Trixie's Tea and Talk. A Service from Meal on Wheels”. Wave her down and let her know you appreciate what she does for the elderly. Recognition isn’t anything she seeks but receiving it is not unwelcomed.

Jeremy's New Faith

2010-10-18T16:45:00.004-07:00

Jeremy Higgenson with his Grandmother's Bible
on the Night he Found His Faith.

Jeremy Higgenson of 214 Falls Drive in Cloverdale found his faith this summer thanks to Clovershire’s Evangelical Tent Revival sponsored by Cloverdale’s Council of Churches and Cloverdale Weekend Television's commitment to religious broadcasting. It was the fifth of August. Pastor Peter of the One Way Baptist Church in Dibley in the Downs preached mightily and with purpose on salvation through God’s Grace and not of one’s works. Jeremy, never having been a discipline of any faith, found the message comforting.

Jeremy was once a petty shoplifter and a well known lover of distilled spirits. This was his life until he was arrested for stealing a package of gum, smokes and a box of Red Vines at the local PiggyMart. After spending the night in jail, he was sent to live with his grandmother on her farm outside Tamworth on Tide. His life changed during that stay. Instead of living a self center life, Jeremy was exposed to his grandmother's lifestyle of healthy eating, long walks, bingo, knitting and Christian Television.

On August 5th his grandmother turned on the kitchen TV while the two of them enjoyed her foot stompingly good fried chicken. Cloverdale Weekend Television was airing a live broadcast of Clovershire's yearly Evangelical Tent Revival. Pastor Peter was on. Jeremy watched and listened. At the first alter call (those not actually at the service were asked to put their hands on the television or radio) Jeremy felt a stirring in his bosom. At the second alter call Jeremy jumped from the table shouting, “Praise Jesus” and bounded to the television. Grandmother Higgenson nearly choked of shock at his sudden outburst. Jeremy placed his hands on the screen, closed his eyes and waited to receive his cleansing.

That night, Jeremy Higgenson discovered the error of his ways and wept openly for several minutes while his grandmother praised Jesus for the miracle. She promptly mailed a check for several hundred dollars to the Pastor Peter Ministry at the One Way Baptist Church in Dibley in the Downs.

“It seemed like angels were carrying me to the television,” Jeremy reported of the incident later to his workmates at the Red Owl. “I was a sinner who found the Lord!”

And so it was. Jeremy found his faith.

The Pumpkin Auction at St. Bartholomew's Autumn Festival

2010-10-14T06:04:00.008-07:00

Autumn in Cloverdale

Cloverdale's residents are preparing for St. Bartholomew's Autumn Festival. It's the Catholic community's harvest celebration and goodbye to the warmth and green of summer. If you're a Catholic, know a Catholic, want to be a Catholic, or just have nothing better to do, then come to the school and enjoy good food, company, games and crafts. The Festival will be held at St. Bartholomew's Hall and Green on the third Saturday of October.

As per tradition, this year's Festival will sponsor the St. Bartholomew's Pumpkin Auction to benefit the school's ongoing programs and missions to Africa. The Pumpkins are generously donated from the gardens of Cloverdale's Catholic parishioners and carved by the students of St. Bartholomew's School.

"The children had a delightful time carving the pumpkins for our Festival," Sister Mary Rose smiled as she spoke reveling a pleasant disposition. Mary Rose is a teacher at the school and a Sister in the Convent of The Sister of Ever Increasing Hope. She volunteered to head the Pumpkin Carving Committee and received absolution for all future sins (out to six months) for doing so. Pumpkin carving is the one committee no one wants to head.

"Teaching the children to be careful with the knives took some doing and there were a few cuts," she stopped to think, tapped her forefinger against her cheek and continued, "Two cuts required stitches, but the students managed to get the first lot of pumpkins done a week ago." Sister Mary produced a photograph of the first twenty pumpkins carved by the school's students. I found it difficult to discern faces on the pumpkins. Sister Mary noticed the surprise on my face.

"They weren't that good, were they?" she confessed. "Their first attempt at carving was pretty bad, so we decided not to include those pumpkins in this year's Festival. Instead, we took the children and presented the pumpkins to the residents of the Nearly There Home for the Elderly and Confused. The old folks are always happy to see the children and they made a fuss over the pumpkins - even the one that looked like the victim of a serial killer."

I asked Sister Mary Rose whether the Nearly There Home for the Elderly and Confused allowed its residents to have pumpkins, considering their ban on candles and lighters. Long time resident Clara Tubman nearly burned the Home to the ground last year while attempting to light a cigarette while fiddling with her oxygen mask.

"Oh they don't," Sister Rose replied. "The staff gathered the pumpkins after we left and sent them to the kitchen. The old ducks have been eating pumpkin ever since. You'd be amazed what a creative cook on a tight budget can do with a few dozen pumpkins. Mind you, I had a taste of the pumpkin oatmeal. Not good, but praise God it was nourishing."

Last Year's Festival Auction Pumpkins.

Sister Mary Rose led me to the student's second carvings sitting on a table just outside her classroom. To be honest, they were just as disturbing. I didn't see one I was interested in bidding for but decided to participate in the auction anyway. After all, It was for charity.

Be sure to mark the third Saturday of the month on your calendar and attend the Autumn Festival. The school hopes you'll be generous in your bidding for the pumpkins.

Sidenote: When you decide to leave the Festival, look for the white van from the Nearly There Home for the Elder and Confused in the church parking lot. The Home's cook will be standing at the back of the van collecting your pumpkin donations (just in case you really didn't want the pumpkin you purchased from the auction). Won't the elderly bless you for your kindness.

Breakfast at Nanny and Mim's

2010-10-12T16:54:00.004-07:00

Traveling Through the Shire
A Traveler's Diary
V. Williamson

Where does one go for a nice quick breakfast without the plastic and chrome of the fast food establishments? Well, if you’re travelling through Cloverdale I recommend Nanny and Mim’s Country Kitchen. You’ll find it about a stone’s throw from the Cloverdale Exit on the right hand side of the road (follow the signs for the Odd Fellows Hall. You can’t miss it).

Nanny and Mim are sisters, and have been so their entire lives. Their great passion in life is gossip and good home cooking - both of which you’ll find at Nanny and Mims. The waitresses are all locals, church goers, and members of the Woman’s Guild so they know everyone’s business. As soon as you sit down expect a good hot cup of coffee and a plastic covered menu with changes written in grease pen, the kind they once used in schools for overhead projectors. You can order off the menu or do what I do, ask for suggestions.

“Depends on what you’re looking for,” my waitress said when asked what she suggested. “Are you a big or small breakfast eater.”

“Small,” I replied. She glanced at how snugly I fit into the booth and smiled. She was on to me.

She pointed to a selection on the menu called “The Scottish Farmyard” and told me I wouldn’t go wrong with that. I nodded.

“It’ll be right up.” She returned her pencil to its place above her ear and went to serve the next table that had recently sat down.

“Merv, whatcha doing here. I heard you had surgery. Nasty thing that prostrate cancer. It took my daddy to Jesus.” I couldn’t hear the old man’s response. He looked a bit worse for wear but enjoyed her attention. I glanced out the window to the vacant lot opposite. Two older ladies wearing woolen coats and scarfs were talking on the sidewalk while their dogs did their business in the bushes. A pick up drove buy. It’s back end was full of kids with back packs. A sign on the tailgate read “Hillbilly School Bus”. I chuckled.

Shortly after 8:00 A.M. the cafe was full and the atmosphere electric. It was the most entertaining road breakfast I ever experienced. I learned more about the town and people of Cloverdale than I cared to. Nanny and Mim’s was truly the place to go if you needed to know.

Fifteen minutes after sitting down my waitress appeared with my breakfast.
“There ya go, this is The Scottish Farmyard,” she proudly said as she sat a platter sized plate before me. “Careful, its dripping from the sides. Enjoy,”

The Scottish Farmyard was right. There was bacon, sausage, ham, eggs, mushrooms, pork and beans and toast, all washed down with a half gallon of milk. Delicious and satisfying to the point where lunch wasn’t required.

Again, I highly recommend Nanny and Mim’s for a meal the next time you visit Cloverdale.

Brendan Prepares for Sunday Meeting

2010-10-02T15:49:00.002-07:00

Brendan is home preparing for Sunday Meeting at Cloverdale's First Baptist Church, located at 4th and Main. If you live within a one hour's drive of Cloverdale you'll not want to miss it. The meeting will start at 10:00 A.M. with Brendan providing much of the music. At 11:00 its expected the preacher will do a pulpit call urging all the unrepentant and unclean in the congregation to come to Jesus. All sinners will move forward to get their anointing while Brendan sings Precious Lord. It will stir your spirit to see so many saved.

Remember, if you feel separated from Jesus, guess who moved. Just a thought as you contemplate an eternity with the damned if you don't come to Meeting and make your peace with God.

A Friendly Reminder from Cloverdale's Baptist community.

Cloverdale Lab Looking for Test Subjects

2010-10-01T05:49:00.007-07:00

This ad appeared in yesterday's Confederacy Times, Cloverdale's biweekly newspaper. This month the Times will be delivered to your yard, roof or neighbor's yard by an air cannon mounted on the roof of Cloverdale's Comprehensive School and operated by members of the School's Science Fiction Club, the SciFives and the school's math club - who will calculate the trajectories (the Times makes an acceptable donation to both clubs for the service, the money from which pays their train fare to the SciFi Festival held every November at Tamworth on Tide). Many members of the clubs already responded to this ad.

Filroy at Last Year's SciFi Convention at
Tamworth on Tide

"Filroy's father and I are so please he's decided to enroll in this year long program," said Mrs. Bloom as she explained her reasons for requesting a year's absence for her son from school. "We're hoping he will make some new friends and, well... Making normal friends is more than enough." As a side note she added, "Besides, he meets the only qualification listed. Filroy loves cake."

Room Mother Mary Toop Pauses for a Quick One.

2010-09-28T16:35:00.004-07:00

Second Grade Room Mother Mary Toop is enjoying a quick smoke outside Cloverdale’s Train Station. She’s accompanying her daughter’s second grade class from St. Bartholomew's’s Catholic School on their field trip. The children are in the waiting room listening to Station Master Pipply explain the history of the building and railroading in the Confederacy. Station Master Pipply is known for excessive blather when it comes to his station, trains and railroad history. He enjoys hosting field trips but has one weaknesses readily noticed by teachers and parents - his lack of judgement concerning what interests a second grader.

Cloverdale Station Master Pipply
Eager to Blather.

Station Master Pipply prepares his curriculum for railroad enthusiasts and doesn’t see the need to rewrite them for younger audiences. He will however, change his delivery with children. With adult enthusiasts he speaks in normal conversational tones. He shouts at children. He thinks by shouting they’ll better understand his elevated vocabulary (much the same way people raise their voices when attempting to converse with someone that doesn't speak their language). His shouting serves another purpose. It prevents him from hearing the children complain to the teacher about how boring it is and when will they get to ride the choo choo train.

Mary Toop has heard the speech several times over the years and, feeling the need for a smoke, stepped away when the teacher wasn’t looking. In a minute or two she’ll feel normal and ready to deal with the children, their short train ride, lunch, potty breaks and the rest of the day.

Cloverdale Weekend Television. Songs of Praise. The Boys Brigade

2010-09-26T06:36:00.003-07:00

Coverdale Weather.

A day trip to Tamworth on Tide or the Lake of Sorrows may be the only relief Clovershire residents can find from this unusual Autumn heat wave. Expect crowded trains to the coast and book your day trip tickets early. Think of cooler temperatures and Autumn leaves, for this too shall pass.

Today on Cloverdale Weekend Television's Songs of Praise, enjoy The Boys Brigades singing from their annual convention.
Cloverdale's Council of Churches encourages you to attend one of the village's houses of worship. Please call Cloverdale 4365 for more information on Sunday services, times and locations.

The Poppins of the Wood.

2010-09-25T13:35:00.010-07:00

The Poppinwood is seventeen miles from Cloverdale. The ancient trees of the Wood are lovely and dark, reaching upward to brush raindrops from the sky. Windy Lane is the only road penetrating the shaded wood. The Lane allows for one horse and cart to wind through the Wood, sometimes travelling uphill and then down and at times, circles all around. With patience, the Windy Lane succeeds in purpose, taking the weary traveller to the secluded hamlet of Poppin.

Anna Poppins

A few days ago I made the trek down Windy Lane to visit the Poppins of Poppinwood. This large extended family were celebrating the birthday of Anna, one of the clan's matrons. I asked Anna her age. She tapped the side of her nose and, with a smile, left the question unanswered. As a rule, the Poppins generally avoid the topic of time. The subject seems to have a different meaning for them.

A Poppin Home in the Hamlet

I reached the Poppin's hamlet just after noon and found my good friend Alfred Poppins sitting on his porch enjoying his pipe. I joined him. Together we watched the sun's rays appear and disappear on the grass as the trees moved to the breeze.

"What time will everyone else arrive?" I interrupted the silence. He throught for moment as he puffed on his pipe.
“We are where we’re suppose to be when we’re suppose to be there,” he explained. “No need to worry. Things take care of themselves. That's how we live. Its the Poppin's way.” He patted my knee and stood for a stretch.

The Poppinwood in the distance

I envied his philosophy. Time was my antagonist, taking me in its firm grasp towards uncertainty, old age and finally the sleep from which we pray we all awake.

The sun continued across the sky. At what I perceived late afternoon Anna appeared from the woods.
"How are you Uncle?" she inquired as she collasped her umbrella. I looked up into a rainless sky and wondered. "Are we ready to celebrate another year?"

And then as if on cue , the Poppins began arriving. Each emerged from the dark shadows of the Wood and into the clearing. There were warm embraces lightened with laughter. The Poppins spoke of the weather, their hamlet and the Shire. They spoke of family far away and remembered their kin to each other.

The Poppin Hamlet

A guest at a Poppins reunion always leaves the gathering befuddled. To this day I wonder how a cottage so small on the outside held so many people comfortably inside? It’s walls seemed to expand with each new arrival. Delicious food appeared effortlessly from a kitchen so small a dinner for two would tax it abilities.

During the celebration Poppins came and Poppins went. Their numbers far exceeded the obvious population of the hamlet, yet Cloverdale's few motels and bed and breakfasts all had vacancies. The Poppins let you know right away it would be impolite to ask how such things were done. They didn’t discuss their family’s business. To be a Poppins' friend meant ignoring the unexplained and mysterious.

I enjoyed the party until staying any longer would have meant accepting overnight accommodations. I declined their repeated invitations to stay and called for my carriage. A Poppins teen arrived a few minutes later with a carriage pulled by one horse. I said my goodbyes, stepped into the carriage and tapped on the roof telling the young Poppin that I was ready to go. A few minutes later the rocking of the carriage over the uneven lane put me to sleep. A few minutes later I awoke in Cloverdale, sitting in my flat's front room on my recliner. The clock on the wall showed twelve minutes had elapsed after entering the carriage seventeen miles away in the Poppinwood. I heard the carriage pulling away from my flat, its frame creaked as it passed over the cobbles stones. For a moment I wondered how I got home and into my chair so quickly and without waking up. Logic failed me so I stopped, remembering it would be impolite to take the thought further.

Some day I’ll visit the Poppins of Poppinwood again for they are the most unusual of the unusual inhabitants of Cloverdaleshire. Perhaps I write more about them, if they'll allow it.

Goodnight

Cloverdale's HayHenge

2010-09-18T07:31:00.006-07:00

Albert Livingstone immigrated to the Confederacy twenty five years ago from England. After working at various jobs for several years he managed to scrape together enough money to purchase the old Millwood farm outside of Cloverdale.

With farm in hand Albert moved onto his next goal - marriage. Twenty years ago Albert married Norma Sipps of Dibley in the Downs. They enjoy each other’s company and are content to spend their evenings on the farmhouse porch watching the sun paint their fields in brilliant color.

Albert Livingstone

Ten years ago Albert returned to England to visit his remaining family. While there, he visited Stonehenge and marvelled at the ruins - a monument to a long gone ancient way of life.

One evening, shortly after his return, Albert and Norma sat in the cool of the evening talking about his trip and the sights he’d seen. Albert described Stonehenge. He explained how the great stones were arranged to reflect the changing seasons. Norma listened as she rocked back and forth.

“Nothing like that in this Shire,” she said. “We’re the ancient monuments around here.”

The couple laughed together. Albert looked out over his fields. It was time to bail the hay. Autumn was upon them.

“The Wilburs are getting their corn maze staked out,” Albert pointed down the road to Mr. and Mrs. Wilbur and their two children still living at home. “They do pretty well with that corn maze. They make enough in the Fall to pay for one of their kid’s tuition's at school.”

That’s when the thought struck him. Why not create something else for the locals to visit after they’ve navigated the Wilbur’s corn maze?

Cloverdale's Local Druid Congregation

Today, the Livingstone HayHenge has become a local tradition for folks from miles around. Hundreds visit the monument of hay until its toppled after the Winter Solstice.
The Shire’s Druid community are especially grateful for the work Albert and Norma put into making the monument astronomically correct. Every December 21st the Druids host the Solstice Social. At sun set they gather at the HayHenge to pray to their gods for the return of the sun. Bonfires light up the night sky. There is dancing, singing and good food.

English Druids visiting the HayHenge

Be sure to take time to visit Cloverdale’s two Autumn attractions, the Wilbur’s Corn maze and the Livingstone’s HayHenge. Both activities make for a wonderful family outing.

Remember, the local Druids have one of their own stationed at HayHenge most afternoons to explain the monument and how similar it is to the real Stonehenge in England. The talk is usually interesting, and sometimes entertaining.

Cloverdale's Shopping News

2010-09-17T05:34:00.003-07:00

By Trish Stanturly
Host of Cloverdale Weekend Television's Shopping In Cloverdale, An Insider's Guide
and Reporter for The Shopping News

Dear Readers,
Trish Stanturly reporting on a new discovery sure to create quite the buzz at your next social gathering and make you the talk of the neighborhood.

The Piggly Wiggly in Cloverdale recently added Bacon Flavored Toothpicks to their selection of the strange and exotic. You'll find them on their Wall of Exotic Culinary Wonders as you enter the store, shelved next to American Beans and Franks.

Although pricier than normal toothpicks our readers report that this product is worth the few extra cents spent.

The manager reports that this is one time only item so pick them up quickly before they're sold out.

Trish

Four Injured in Tragic Accident on the Downs at Dibley.

2010-09-14T16:28:00.006-07:00

Bystander Kevin W. Harvie Caught the Moment of Impact on his iPhone, Purchased During a Shopping Trip to the Apple Store at Capital City.

Confederacy Times
September 14, 2010

A balloon belonging to Bud Tolberg, a longtime resident of Cloverdale and president of Cloverdale’s Odd Fellows Club and Elder at the Saved by Grace Lutheran Church collided into a row of Port a Potties at the Dibley in the Downs Balloon Festival last Saturday.

“I knew we were in trouble when that gust of wind blew in from nowhere. I was shoutin at everybody to get outta the way but I guess that’s kind of hard to do while yer trying to pull up yer pants,” he said when interviewed by Dibley Constable Sylvia Truesdale, a long time resident of Dibley, having moved there as a child when her father lost his job in Fernwood on the Moor for insubordination in 1977.

Injured in the accident were Marsha Ercanbrack, Domonique House, and Clifford and Shane Warbley.

“I had just stepped into the facilities and sat down when I heard a man yelling for everyone to get out of the way,” she said while attempting to wipe the blue toilet chemical from her pants. “Well, I didn’t know what he was on about. I mean, who would ever expect a balloon would drop from the sky and knock over the very outdoor toilet you happen to be sitting in?”

Domonique wasn’t so lucky. He was violently thrown against the wall while standing over the toilet. His head struck the Hand Sanitizer Dispenser knocking him unconscious. The door popped open spilling him out onto the lawn. According to his wife he is home resting comfortably and enjoying extra attention from his family.

Life long brothers Clifford and Shane Warbley emerged from their respective toppled potties drenched in blue chemical uninjured. A few minutes later both started complaining of a headache and blurred vision. It appears both were allergic to the chemical. A few minutes later their airways started to close. Nobody in the crowd offered mouth to mouth recitation fearing the contents of the liquid. Luckily an ambulance was on hand. Both are doing well in hospital with only bruised egos to show for the day’s incident.

Bud Tolberg has been fined for recklessness in ballooning. He quarreled with the Constable, reasoning you cannot fine him for an act of God.

“Well I can’t very well fine God for this can I?” Constable Sylvia Truesdale replied while ripping off the ticket and pinning it to the balloon.

This Just In

2010-09-13T12:16:00.002-07:00

We welcome back our international roving war correspondent, Mortimer Thunk, who has recently recovered from a prolonged bout with Tapeworms in the distant country of Parasitistan.

In the War on Occasional Terror, it's important to see how the allied nations are coping with the advanced equipment supplied by the United States to their armed forces. In the country of MicroAtollesia, the defense forces there have been supplied with advanced polystyrene carbon-based patrol craft intended for interception of insurgent Sith-Kabob commandos travelling the eel-infested waterways.

To train their men on the new craft, the government has devised a clever water-craft simulator which is shown here in operation. The beauty of this simulator is that is energy efficient and uses up little of the country's precious fresh water supply.

Mark Daymont
Editor in Chief
Confederacy Times

Duchess is Going Unicorn Spotting.

2010-09-12T15:25:00.004-07:00

Duchess Waits Patiently

Duchess is once again waiting for her owner. It’s Sunday morning in Cloverdale and Janice Beechly will do what she has always done on a summer Sunday morning - unicorn spotting.

Janice loves unicorns, is single, and doesn’t get out much - except for her Sunday unicorn spotting and of course her job as a customer service attendant at the local Red Owl Grocery Store. Duchess is her best friend and confidant. Together they’ve searched the Shire’s enchanted forests from one end to the other. When they finish they start over again because spotting unicorns requires diligence, patience, and an unwavering belief in magic and the enchanted creatures such a believe requires of its faithful.

Janice admiring her art work painted on her mother's car door.
They are a unicorn believing family.

Janice believes today may be the day she and Duchess spot their first unicorn. Janice had a dream the night before. In the dream she saw a lovely white unicorn standing near a gently running stream banked by thick green grass sprinkled with yellow flowers. Behind the unicorn was a tree recently struck by lightning. Lightening struck trees have magical powers which attract magical creatures. Janice remembers seeing the tree from her dream in last year’s search.

Yes, today was the day they will spot their first unicorn. Every fiber in her being said so, along with the tea leaves in her morning cupper.

Duchess waits while Janice gathers her magic kit and camera. They’ll be on the road soon. It is the kind of day that makes Duchess appreciate she’s a dog.

The Simpits Lost Their Cat

2010-09-10T05:23:00.008-07:00

Mr. Tiddles escaped once again from the Simpits back garden at 34 Clove Lane, Cloverdale. This is the second time the man from the Electrical Board failed to lock the gate leading to the Simpits back garden during a monthly reading of the Simpit's power meter.

A scene from the Clovershire Electrical Board's movie "Your Friend the Meter Man" Shown at all the Shire's schools to teach our children not be afraid of the Meter Man when he knocks on their door and asks to come in.

The Electrical Board issued a statement regretting the accident. In the memo the Board said:

Our meter readers do all they can to enter and exit dwellings without causing notice or alarm. In the Simpits case, Mr. Tiddles was in the back garden at the time of the reading, sunning himself out of sight from the electrical meter. The Reader sneezed while recording the power usage thus waking Mr. Tiddles. The sudden appearance of a fully grown male lion running toward you at full speed looking at you like you were his lunch caused the Reader to exit the premises quickly, thus failing to lock the gate behind him.

"Mr. Tiddles wouldn't hurt a fly," Frank Simpits said during an interview with Cloverdale Weekend Television.

Please contact Cloverdale's Police Department should you spot Mr. Tiddles rummaging through your garbage. Also it might be best to stay indoors until the cat is captured.

Cloverdale Weekend Television. Tonight on Classics. Vivaldi: Dopo un'orrida procella (from "Griselda")

2010-09-06T13:32:00.003-07:00

Tonight on Cloverdale Weekend Television's A Night of Classics, Soprano Simone Kermes at the Shwetzinger Festspiele 2010 with the Venice Baroque Orchestra. Tune in right after the local news and this evening's Books and You with Cloverdale Village Librarian Doloris Shilp. Tonight Doloris makes her school year 2010-11 predictions on which books will be checked out the most during the nine months of the school year. Miss Shilp was spot on in her last year's predictions. Will the same be true this year? This is suspenseful television at its best, what you are used to when you tune in to Cloverdale Weekend Television.

Comprehensive School Note: Tonight's 'A Night of Classics' meets the fifth requirement of coursework for the Music history class at the Comprehensive School's Musical History Class.

A friendly reminder from the school's music department.

Cloverdale Weekend Television Presents Songs of Praise

2010-09-05T07:11:00.004-07:00

The Weather for Clovershire and surrounding Districts.

Our patience will be rewarded today as the oppressive heat wave that has held us captive for the past week surrenders to low pressure forming off the coast of the Sea of Despair. Temperatures will drop, leaving the sky unblemished. Expect nearly cloudless conditions then, with the most perfect of summer temperatures. A beautiful day for a walk to church.

Today, Cloverdale's Salvationists perform on Cloverdale Weekend Television's Songs of Praise. Today's program begins with the Citadel Choir singing "Stand Up Stand Up for Jesus".

A Beautiful Morning in Cloverdale

2010-09-04T07:44:00.009-07:00

The sun is up and the sky is clearing from an early morning rain. It is a beautiful September morning in Clovershire.

The air smells of lilac rain and the temperature reminds you that Autumn is impatiently waiting.

Security Guard Milford Genes is enjoying his third hour of sleep at the main gate of Wonka's Tobacco Works outside of Cloverdale. People don't like to disturb him so they're grateful he leaves the gate up for the morning deliveries and the morning shift.

Trish Stevens is impatient as she anxiously waits for her order. Saturday mornings are special for her. Trish diets all week, limiting herself to 2000 calories a day. Her reward for sacrificing is breakfast at Cloverdale's Wimpy Burger every Saturday morning.

She's a bit grumpy today because her standing order for 8:00 A.M. isn't ready. Her usual cashier called in sick and forgot to remind the morning manager of Trish's order, always to be ready at 8:00 A.M. As a reward for waiting, Trish ordered an extra Egg Muffin Delight with double pepperjack cheese. Soon all will be well with Trish and she will find her smile.

Minne Phelps Arnold is on her way to her sister's wedding at Tamworth on Tide. She was suppose to have the back seat all to herself until Grandma decided to ride with them instead of taking the train the day before.

Yesterday Minnie's mother stopped at Donaldson's Department Store and bought Minnie the new Sandy Wandy Doll to help with the long drive. A brilliant move on her mother's part. Minnie is no longer focused on the lost sleeping room. She has a new doll to occupy her time on the road, and Sandy comes complete with three changes of clothing.

Uncle Morris, and Aunts Abigail and Deloris are also on their way to Tamworth on Tide for the wedding. They've been driving since 5:00 A.M. from Ferwood on the Moor. It was Abigail's idea to stop for tea along Highway 1. Deloris was thoughtful enough to bring her famous apricot biscuits. A true delight with butter and jam. They'll soon be finished and ready to resume the journey.

Grandma Logan has been up since 6:12 A.M. She's taking a breather after spending some time in the garden. Keeping up with the weeds is almost a full time job for her. Grandpa Logan is still asleep.

She will enjoy her chair until she hears the upstairs toilet flush. That's her signal to start breakfast. She's decided to fix pancakes with bacon to start this beautiful Saturday. Grandpa will be please for the change from his usual oatmeal with toast.

Two unidentified early morning shoppers are waiting outside Cloverdale's new Co-Op Grocery Store. Today is the grand opening (the balloons are expected to be a big draw. Every shopper will get one). As you can see in the picture above, the crowds are not developing like the Co Op manager had hoped. It seems Cloverdale's other two grocery stores are taking this new competition seriously. All this week the Piggly Wiggly is offering free ice cream cones and the Red Owl Grocery Store is giving away free hot dogs with every purchase. Its Grocery Wars in Cloverdale.

Soon the leaves will start to change and the village and surrounding countryside will be all aglitter with golds, browns and oranges. Be sure to leave some time in your schedule to come to Cloverdale. We will keep the lights on for you.

Cloverdale's Back to School Fair at Snods Edge

2010-08-31T19:06:00.008-07:00

Cloverdale held its yearly Village Fair last Saturday at Snods Edge Field and Playground. Ezra and Elvira Snod have hosted the Fair for the last thirty-one years on their north field which borders the Clover River. The Snods installed several pieces of playground equipment on the Field for their 24 grandchildren.

“We did it out of necessity,” Ezra said. “It was either have them ramshackle the house, driving Grandma nuts when they’d come to visit or build them a place outside where they could play. The playground was well worth the cost - believe me.”

The Snod grandchildren benefited from their own obnoxiousness and so did Cloverdale, because the Snod’s open the playground to everyone.

Lucy and Mack Truck ran the Comprehensive School's Raffle booth. For the price of a couple Bill Chills at the local Piggy Mart you could buy a raffle ticket and hope to win one of a dozen prizes donated by the merchants of Cloverdale. Lucy spent most of the day suffering one of her frequent migraines forcing her to keep her sun glasses on even after the afternoon clouded up and darkened. The resulting overcast sky and sunglasses made it difficult for Lucy to see. On her way to the Port a Potty, Lucy tripped over a tent stake. Her screaming brought the entire Fair to a standstill. She'd twisted her ankle.

Lucy's suffering was rewarded when her raffle ticket was drawn for the Fair's grand prize, a gift certificate good for ten hot fudge sundaes at the Woolworth's Lunch Counter.

vCloverdale's very on Elvis impersonator, Sam Penrod, was on hand to MC the Fair's Talent Show. Many in the Village agree that Sam looks like Elvis, in the broadest sense of the word 'looks like', but Sam's voice definitely is missing the qualities that made Elvis great. In fact, most considered it a blessing the PA system always shorted out when Sam started singing - yet came back on again when the next act took to the stage. The Fair Committee later thanked the Comprehensive School's Theater Tech Students for their cooperation in the matter.

Of course, what's a village fair with good eating. Here you see the entire butcher department from Cloverdale's Red Owl Grocery Store serving up their very own special Elephant Dogs. The Red Owl Elephant Dog came with your choice of several toppings and sides of baked beans, potato salad, chips and soda.

The Snod Merry -Go-Round was the favorite part of the Fair for the five and unders, at least until 324 pound Minnie Welch decided to ride with her daughter. The apparatus tipped the moment Minnie stepped onto the red platform - tilting the saucer violently downward and causing the children to toppled to the ground.

The children, upset by the damage and closure of the Merry - Go - Round, were heard to say rude things about Minnie's size. The comments darkened Minnie's mood, sending her into a despair, relieved only by spending the next thirty minutes at the Red Owl Elephant Dog Stand.

Doloras Spelch works for the Shire Education Department as Art's Curriculum Specialist. She was honored to judge the art competition. This year's theme was macaroni in art. All entries had to use macaroni as the primary medium for their masterpieces.

This year's winner was Clide Clumps and his Macaroni Christmas Ornament. After the judging and the awarding of the blue ribbon, Clide donated the ornament to the Nearly There Home for the Elderly and Senile. The Home gratefully accepted the gift. Last year the Home had to throw away all their non edible ornaments after a couple of their elderly residents plucked them from the Christmas Tree in the Common's Room and attempted to eat them. After their near death experience, the Shire Health Department ordered the home to use only eatable ornaments in the future.

And of course, what's a Village Fair without the Village Clown. Chuckles exemplifies the best in clowning and has done so for the last 60 years. Chuckles started clowning around in the third grade in an attempt to win the admiration of a few of the prettier girls in his class. Its a good thing Chuckles is good at what he does because finding normal work in the Shire without a Secondary School Diploma is difficult. Chuckles was expelled from school in the 9th grade for being a distraction to his fellow students and his refusal to stop wearing make up.

Cloverdale Weekend Televison. Sunday Classics. Mozart's Gloria

2010-08-22T08:58:00.004-07:00

The Weather for Clovershire.

Summer continues its siege of the Shire today with temperatures in the upper 90's. Prepare for a dusting of Autumn temperatures later in the week as a cold front moves in from the sea. There is a slight chance of rain in the P.M. but I wouldn't cancel any outdoor plans because of it.

The Professor and My Eating Disorder

2010-08-21T15:41:00.003-07:00

Professor Ian Shoop took another walk this morning down the High Street in Cloverdale. I passed him on my walk home from the Wonderland Bakery where I met a few friends and discussed the concept of information loss which may or may not occur as one crosses the event horizon of a black hole.

Please don’t come to the conclusion that I’m smarter than I look. The residents of Cloverdale really are as smart as they look. So, with one glance, even from a distance, you can pretty much sum up the IQ of any person you’re approaching on the pavement. That helps if they stop you for a quick conflab. In the case of my friends and I, our conversations cover a broad spectrum considering their cognitive abilities. With some of my Cloverdale friends I find that even discussing the weather can be a challenge, especially if its doing more than one thing at once - such as rain combined with a strong wind. My other friends and I are perfectly comfortable discussing black holes and event horizons. Mind you, I may not be able to match them brain cell for brain cell, but I’m a darn good listener and know when to nod my head in agreement - whether I understand what was said or not.

Anyway, our little Saturday morning gathering discussed the topic mentioned above while enjoying a muffin, with cream center, and cup of ice cold milk. At half past nine I excused myself, thanked Mr. Moss for his hospitality, purchased a nice sticky bun for tomorrow’s breakfast, and stepped out into the sunshine for the walk home - which is where I bumped into Professor Ian Shoop.

Bumped into isn’t exactly accurate. I saw him from a distance and knew from his appearance he was in deep thought over something in the realm of physics. His eyes lit up when he saw me. I thought to cross the street and dash into Tipsey’s Travel Service to avoid him (his conversations can keep you engaged for over an hour) but decided to stay my course. Perhaps he would have something interesting to say today. Maybe enlighten me on a new discovery or theory.

Ten steps from me he started talking to himself, going through a rehearsal of his first few words. At two steps he inhaled. At one, he spoke.

“Fine weather today,” he said pointing to the bright blue sky. I was confused. I was sure most people in Cloverdale regarded me as fairly intelligent. After all, I just finished my 27th year of teaching school and I have a university degree. In my mind I reviewed all the possible reasons why he would greet me with the current state of the weather.

“Yes beautiful day. Not a cloud in the sky,” I replied with a look of curiosity.

“Well, yes there is one if you look toward the mountains you’ll see the first indications of a.....” he stopped himself abruptly and looked intently at my mouth, then proceeded to finish his statement, “.....yes not a cloud in the sky. Good observation.” The Professor tipped his hat and continued to walk toward the canal.

I was confused but thought twice before letting it deflate my spirits. It was a fine day and I was determined to keep it that way.

The train station was my last stop before reaching home. My Saturday morning routine included a stop at the station’s news stand to pick up a copy of “News of the World”. I was disappointed to see Miss Lily wasn’t at her usual post in the newstand’s window. Miss Lily and I always enjoyed a discussion, usually sparked by the headline on the newspaper. Today someone else was at the till. A teenager with an unremarkable face peppered with acne.

“Hello,” I said as I approached. The young lady smiled as she sat her phone down on the counter. It seemed I had interrupted a text.
“News of the World please.”
“Wha?” she responded with a look of confusion bordered by indifference.
“News of the Worlds,” I repeated.
“Ya don’t want tha one mister,” she said as she held a copy in her hand and examined the headline.
“Here ya go. How ‘bout a nice junior cross word puzzle,” she suggested.
“Why would I want the Junior Crossword Puzzle?” I asked, to which the girl shrugged her shoulders and slid the newspaper over the counter and into my hand. I dropped the proper amount of coinage into her palm and turned to walk away.

“Ya won’t understand it,” she mumbled under her breath. I pretended not to hear.

There was something terribly wrong in our village of the bewildered. Why did everyone seem to think I had lost half my IQ?

The answer was apparent when I got home and had a chance to look at myself in the mirror. The chocolate muffin with creamy center left a nice ring around the outside of my mouth and the front of my shirt held a noticeable stain of dribbled milk. My eating disorder was to blame for everyone’s misperceptions of my state of mind.

I vowed, in the future, to always check myself in the mirror whenever I eat out to avoid misunderstandings.

Cloverdale's Children, Teeth Rot and the Queen

2010-08-09T13:27:00.008-07:00

Humbugs Confectionery Delights in Cloverdale recently placed an add in the Confederacy Times announcing the benefits of eating sugar. It had to be done to counter the proposed ban of all sweets from the Shire’s school cafeterias. They realized the risk they took in placing the add. Sugars, like other carbohydrates, are on many people’s ‘poison list’ of things never to eat if you want to live past fifty with your own teeth.

Last month, the Clovershire School Council issued an order removing all sugared drinks from the middle and comprehensive school’s menu and vending machines. This month the Council is considering the complete removal of all sweets from the dispensing machines. Students are rightfully upset and plan on attending the meeting in droves to protest the trampling of their right to stuff themselves with anything - Good or Bad.

"What will they do next?" said Student Council Leader Treg Tumms. "Will they ban our heavily caffeinated drinks next. I mean, I can't make it through a day without my six Red Bulls. How can we stay awake in class, especially with the teachers they have working in the school? Talk about boring. I mean, even the nerds can't stay awake without something. How can we maintain our social lives and get an education at the same time!? No, the line is drawn here and we won't budge."

Parents seemed neutral, at first. That attitude quickly changed after the Clovershire Dental Association sponsored several television adds on Cloverdale Weekend Television showing the horrors of tooth decay brought about because of sugared drinks. The television add focused primarily on British school children’s teeth - brown and decayed because of the gallons and gallons of sugared tea they drink each year.

A Scene taken from the Television Add Showing a Headline from the
British Tabloid "The Sun"On the Current
State of Dental Hygiene in Britain

The add ends by saying, “British Parents love their Tea more than Their Children’s Dental Health. Is that True in Clovershire?” The add accomplished its desired purpose. The village’s parents are now more inclined to support the sweets ban. The Council may have the votes to outlaw candy completely from the schools. Humbugs, the Shire’s leading supplier of sweets and other items of serious sinfulness, felt an obligation to support the product their business was built upon.

With the financial support of the British Embassy in Capital City, the new Humbug add extolling the virtue of sugar, is running in current newspapers up and down the Confederacy from Tamworth on Tide to Fernwood on the Moor. The British Embassy became involved by direct order of the Prime Minister.

“Nobody attacks the very foundation of British culture without a response from this government, Nobody!” the Prime Minister was quoted as saying while taking tea with the Ambassador of the Confederacy Tuesday last. The Ambassador apologized to the Prime Minister and to the English people.

“That add was sponsored by the Dental Association and not our government,” he stressed in his brief remarks before the cameras were asked to leave the room. It was noted that while the Ambassador was addressing the press, the Prime Minister was seen putting several teaspoonfuls of sugar into the Ambassador’s tea.

The Queen was informed of the Confederacy’s attack on tea during her weekly audience with the Prime Minister.

Queen Elizabeth Upset over the Remarks Made Disparaging Tea.
"Off With Their Heads," She Was Overheard Saying

“We are so upset by this we shall take tea now instead of after our meeting,” she said while ringing for her servants using a small silver bell on the lamp stand.

“Quite,” the Prime Minister responded indigently.

Humbug's Seriously Sinful Chocolates in Cloverdale

Humbugs is running a new promotion to encourage people to attend the School Council’s next meeting and support sweets in the vending machines of the Shire’s schools. Everyone that comes into the shop and signs the petition to encourage the consumption of sugar receives one chocolate; not from the Downright Delicious display case, not from the Seriously Delicious display case, and not even from the Sinfully Delicious display case. Anyone that signs the “Sweets in our School’s” petition is given their choice of any chocolate in the Seriously Sinfully Delicious display case!

The School Council understands they may be loosing the support of the public and are ordering another Power Point presentation from the Dental Association to be played during the next meeting. The Council asked for the Anti Chewing Tobacco Presentation, with several modifications. The Council requested all references to tobacco be removed and the word sugar substituted in its place. All pictures of snuff and chewing tobacco are to be replaced with pictures of the most popular candy bars, based on past sales in the machines.

“The pictures of various mouth cancers are hideous, guaranteed to turn the stomachs of everyone in the room,” the Chairman said in a secretly recorded telephone conversation with the Chairman of the Dental Association. “This will do the trick. We will carry the crowd.”

This is a Council meeting you’ll not want to miss. Everybody in the village, along with nearby villages and even the British press will be in attendance. There's even talk that a representative of the Foreign Office from Capital City will speak on behalf of tea.

Cloverdale Weekend Televison: Songs of Praise. Make Me A Channel of your Peace

2010-08-08T08:35:00.005-07:00

The Weather for Clovershire.

The large high pressure mass which has dominated the region retreats today, opening the door for cooler weather and rain. Expect heavy rain in the PM accompanied with lightening. Not the best day for an outing.

Heavy rain in the mountains may bring minor flooding to Dibley in the Downs and other villages along the Clover River. Keep a watchful eye.

Cloverdale's Council of Churches, as the do every Sunday, encourage you to attend your church of choice.

Huckle Keesh is Off to the Work Camp. May the Lord Be With Him.

2010-08-06T12:34:00.007-07:00

Huckle Keesh of 354 Clover Drive, Cloverdale, sits and warms himself in the glow of his 27 inch LCD monitor. The answer to your obvious question is “Yes”, Huckle has every video game system created on planet Earth (and some I can’t identify. He claims they were found in the wreckage of a crashed alien space craft. Of course, he made the statement in his 36th hour without sleep. He was playing Survivor Halo with his online friends. I say online because it is yet to be proven he has friends that can be seen in the real world of flesh and bone), and nearly every video game to go with them.

“I’m a collector of the Gaming Arts,” he explains with pride to anyone who enters his bedroom. No one doubts his enthusiasm for his vocation. What everyone is concerned about is his disconnect with the world. He has become a solitary monk in the Digital Faith of flickering lights, vibrating controllers and sounds not produced by human vocal chords.

“What do we do with him?” his mother asked the social worker dispatched from the Comprehensive School’s Guidance Office. “We’ve hardly seen him since summer vacation started. We know he’s alive because we leave food for him outside the door in the morning and its gone when his father and I come home from work in the evening.”

The Social Worker made a phone call and then suggested the Keesh’s join her for a cup of coffee at the Woolworth’s Lunch Counter. Before leaving the house, the lady took a paper from her satchel and asked both parents to sign on the ‘Permission‘ line.
“What are we signing?” both parents asked.
“You’re giving us permission to begin treatment for your son. It could get ugly so be sure you can handle his crying, screaming, cursing and possible self mutilation,” she replied with a slight smile showing Mr. and Mrs. Keesh that she truly enjoyed her job.

They signed and went for coffee.

Huckle was gone when they returned.

“He’s been taken to a better place,” the woman in the wool skirt and red blouse said as she encouraged them to sit on their sofa in the parlor. “Huckle will spend the rest of the summer at the Confederacy Work Camp. Its a place where he can work off a few pounds and get to know other children like himself - children lost in their own minds and easily manipulated by digital images. The children are currently expanding Highway 1 from two lanes to four. If you wish you can see your son every day working on the road. I suggest you give him a bit of time to adjust. He won’t be too happy you called the school about his problem. But all is well. You can rest assured he will come home several pounds lighter and with a nice golden tan.”

And with that said, she took her bag and walked toward the door. She let herself out. Once out of ear's reach she placed a call to inform her supervisor the quota has been met. The school will receive it portion of the Shire's Highway Budget. It will help fund the art's programs.

“I always wondered who those kids were working on the roads every summer,” Mrs. Keesh said as she stood and started for the kitchen. “Fancy a cup of tea?”

“Tea, let’s go out and celebrate!” Mr. Keesh shouted as he reached for the car keys resting on the coffee table.

Huckle's two camp roommates collected two days earlier.
Neither are happy about the sun and fresh air

Abigail Tiller, addicted to Barbie Online. She is now at the Camp working as a flagman
on Highway 1.Motorists, she is small so drive with caution.

Simon Bart, an addict to WarCraft.
He's been at camp since May 31st and has lost 12 pounds
(much if it due to multiple food poisonings.
The problem in the camp kitchen is corrected. For now.)

Video Game Addicts
(Left) Four teens brought in at the end of June for a Halo Addiction.
(Right) Last year's campers at the end of the summer season standing in front of the camp dorms.

Saving our Children from Themselves
Support the Children's Work Camp

A Clovershire Government Program
Sponsored by the Education Ministry and the Highway Department
Working Together We Can Make A Difference.

The Salvation Army Thrift Store's Back to School Extravaganza

2010-08-04T14:59:00.005-07:00

General Junkell and his lovely wife Shirley are the managers of the Salvation Army Thrift Store on the High Street in Coverdale. They urge you to spend your back to school dollars at the Thrift Store, where your hard earned money buys more for less.

The Confederacy Times, Cloverdale's weekly newspaper, agreed to run the store's adds for free in the paper in return for the Salvation Army's promise not to hold a band concert on their office's doorstep every Monday morning at 9:00 A.M.
"We are so grateful for the Times generosity," General Junkell was quoted as saying in the newspaper.
"God Bless them," his lovely wife Shirley chimed in with a well rehearsed smile and hand out seeking a donation from the reporter.

The adds were proof read and approved by the General and his lovely wife yesterday at a special tea held at the Store. The adds will be run every week until the middle of September.

The add campaign starts with a new range of Chubbettes used clothing for the 2010-11 school year consigned to the Thrift Store from Donaldson's Department Store's storage shed.

"What kind of parent would buy their kids Chubbettes clothes," said Morris Carp, manager of Donaldson's Department Store's Girls Clothing Department. "These clothes didn't sell in 1964 and by God they're not going to sell today. So, we gave them to the Salvationists. They preach miracles happen all around us, well let's see them prove it. I want to see them shift this lot of clothes!"

The Thrift Store's Boys Department's add features a full range of Plaid Toughskins, once popular in the early 1970's, the Thrift Store is hoping for a plaid revival in the 21st Century.

In addition to the Plaid Toughskins, Cloverdale's thrifty moms may want to spend a little bit more and outfit their sons in a new / old range of Tom Sawyer clothes. This add will run in next Sunday's paper with a note encouraging Cloverdale's value conscious families to purchase their Tom Sawyer clothes quickly while the supply lasts. The Tom Sawyer brand went out of business in 1981 so once sold out there will no others.

And finally, for the family with a healthy budget for school clothing, the Thrift Store offers a full range of Ladybird Clothing. These upmarket designs from the early 1960's are sure to please your little one's grandparents - reminding them of the days "when clothes were modest, descent and Christian!".

Friends, remember a dollar spent at the Thrift Store is a dollar that helps the homeless and destitute. Granted, there are none in Cloverdale at the moment, but when there are the Salvation Army will be ready to offer assistance and spiritual guidance.

Cloverdale's Comprehensive School Choir Performs Somewhat Perfectly - Yet Predictably.

2010-07-30T18:05:00.004-07:00

Last night many local residents of Cloverdale spent what seemed to many an eternity listening to the strained melodies of our local Comprehensive School's Choir performing their Summer Concert. Normally the concert is held at the village commons, but due to a pending storm the organizers moved the concert to the school's auditorium.

Of course I attended to support our local students, as did many others in the village (mind you, many stopped at the village's two pubs for a quick one to get them through the nearly hit notes, sung by vocal chords struggling with puberty, and a flurry of missed beats. I believe the ones off beat were the ones I saw standing on the Choir's back row. They were texting on their cell phones while they sang).

The casual hour long concert was stopped at two hours thanks to a power outage supplied by the Grace of God and a good lightening strike on the transformer outside of the village on Highway 1.

It was a night never to be forgotten.

And, to give you a taste of what you missed, a video of one of the numbers.
Enjoy.....

Victor

Cloverdale Weekend Television. Songs of Praise

2010-07-25T10:00:00.005-07:00

The Weather for Clovershire and the Midlands.

Heat again today, as it has been for the last several days. Relief is in sight for Monday and Tuesday as a weather front advances from the sea bringing cooler temperatures and moisture to the region. Remember to stay hydrated as you go about your outdoor activities.

Cloverdale's Keep Cool Neighborhood Shelters will be open today from 14:00 to 21:00 hours. Participating homes with air conditioning will open their doors to their neighbors who do not. Keep Cool Homes are identified by the "Keep Cool Shelter" signs placed prominently in their front windows.

On Today's Songs of Praise, Brought to you by Cloverdale's Council of Churches on Cloverdale Weekend Television we hear the Gregorians singing Immortal. Remember, Cloverdale's churches are all air conditioned. What better place to Keep Cool while nourishing your soul. Attend the Church of your choice today!

Today's Community Events.

2010-07-24T08:34:00.005-07:00

This Weekend in Cloverdale. July 24

From 9:00 - 11:00 A.M. Quilting at the Saved By Grace Lutheran Church.
The Flavors of Coca-Cola at the Piggly Wiggly. Did you know Coca-Cola has different sodas for the international market? Come to Piggly Wiggly and taste them for yourselves (while supplies last).
Fancy Cake Decorating Class at the Moss Wonderland Bakery from 10:00 - 11:00 A.M.
Cricket at the Park all afternoon.
Today is the last day of Sports Camp at the Comprehensive School. This is a day camp starting at 8:00 A.M. ending at 4:00 P.M. Today, volleyball, handball, baseball, and dodgeball.
The Red Owl Grocery Store has a balloon artist at the check out stands all day today to entertain your youngsters while you wait to check out.
Margaret Wilburly Snell will be offering twenty minute guided tours of her Gnome collection populating her front and back gardens between 3:00 and 4:00 P.M. She spent the better part of the week preparing her garden for the wedding reception of her niece, starting at 6:00 P.M. this evening so "It has never looked better," according to Margaret.
Mr. Harold Twinker will be returning to Cloverdale on the 6:00 P.M. train from Fernwood on the Moor. He returns after spending two weeks on an African Safari in Kenya. Harold's last telegram indicated a desire to speak about his adventures through the heart of Africa at the next Clovershire Geographic Society's meeting held at the village library Tuesday next.
The Odd Fellow's Club of Cloverdale will meet this evening at 7:00 P.M. at the Methodist Church.
St. Bartholomew's School is sponsoring a parish wide yard sale on the school grounds all day today. The proceeds will help defray the costs of sending the senors to Rome next Spring on Pilgrimage. (this trip will take the place of Prom. The seniors were a bit too 'hands on' at last year's prom causing the supervising nuns great distress). Greasy Griswald will have several new acquisitions on sale from his antique shop just like last year. Remember, 'Old' is Greasy's speciality!
Finally, this evening the village will have the privilege of hearing the Clovershire Community Orchestra at the Comprehensive School's Theater starting at 8:00 P.M. Featured tonight, The Typewriter Song. Please watch the video below and afterwords make plans to attend. It will be the cultural highlight of the month. Everyone who is Anybody in Cloverdale will be there.

Monica Ragland Graduates

2010-07-22T21:46:00.008-07:00

From My Flat on Wit's End
Cloverdale

Hello Friends,
I'd like to introduce you to my neighbor twice down. Her name is Monica Ragland. She graduated from Cloverdale's Comprehensive School at the end of May. Her graduation announcement was delivered to my home yesterday by our Adequate Just Postal Service. She addressed it to my home in Utah. An innocent mistake considering I spend five days out of seven there. Unfortunately, the US Post Office redirected the letter back to my flat here in Cloverdale. The announcement and I must have passed each other twice in our journeys.

I opened the letter at the kitchen table. Her picture fell from the envelop and landed face up. I was puzzled by her choice of backdrop and pose. It just didn't look right. Most seniors are ridiculously posed in front of something natural in the senior pictures. Some photographers urge them to take their pictures from odd to bizarre by having another image of them super impose onto the left or right quadrant of the photo.

In my opinion, the goal of a senior picture is to make the graduating student look cool and grown up. Monica's senior pictures failed on both counts. Her photos make her look strangely religious and pious. Odd for someone with the reputation of being on the wild side. Monica was known to stay out past 11:00 P.M. Last year I overheard a few teens near the gumball machines at the Piggly Wiggly say they'd seen her in the park holding hands with a local boy known for always getting a good night kiss on the first date! You can see why so many questioned her morals and values.

I called Monica to congratulate her for graduating and explain why my congratulations came so late.

"Monica, I hope you don't take this wrong, but your graduation picture is different than most," I said, hoping not to put her on the defensive.

There was a short pause. "Haven't you heard?" she questioned. I'm accepted into the Convent of the Sisters of Ever Increasing Hope at Saint Bartholomew's. I'm going to be a nun!"

"A Nun!" You could have picked my jaw up from the floor. I stumbled to the sink to pour a glass of water wanting to stabilized the shock ebbing from the top of my head to the tip of my toes.

"I enter the convent in August. I'll pray for you Mr. Williamson," her voice was calm, assuring me her decision to abandon the world of the living was what she really wanted.

"Yes please do. I need all the help I can get," I laughed. She didn't. There was a long, uncomfortable pause.

"I know you do Mr. Williamson. There is help for you Mormons. I believe faith can move mountains!" I thought offense would be the next feeling to cross my mind, followed by anger. It wasn't.

"Ah, thanks Monica," I said, realizing I was starting to feel a form of gratitude for her concern.

We spoke for several more minutes and then hung up. I went back to my chair in the front room thinking how lucky I was to have a future nun for an acquaintance, you know, just in case I get to the other side and find myself in a very unexpected Purgatory.

Monica was my Faith Insurance.

Well, its time for bed. It is 11:20 P.M. Cloverdale time. Cloverdale Weekend Television is showing reruns of "Are You Being Served" from the BBC in England. I love the show but watching the Staff of Grace Brother's Gentleman and Woman's Departments working in the department store's Toy Department for the tenth time is enough.

I'm gone.

Victor

Cloverdale's Dr. Doolittle

2010-07-20T08:43:00.003-07:00

Andrew with Polly and Pollyanna (before the accident)

Hello Friends,
I'm in for a real treat tonight. Cloverdale's very own Dr. Doolittle (his real name is Abner Leggins) will be performing tonight at 7:00 P.M. in the village library's main gallery and I have tickets! I found them at the bottom of my grocery bag on Saturday when I made that hot trek to the Piggly Wiggly.

Why would anyone want to purchase their groceries anywhere but the Pig? Piggly Wiggly has Cloverdale's widest selection of foods at reasonable prices. Its Video Emporium has the largest selection of DVD's and video tapes in the village and, as if that wasn't enough, the Pig has the village's largest assortment of kiddie motorized sidewalk machines (like the bucking bronco and the space rocket that holds two!). But wait, there's more; you get S&H Green Stamps with every purchase, and apparently you get free library special event tickets dropped right in your bag at checkout.

Abner Leggins day job is bagging groceries at the Pig. In the evenings, Abner takes his animal show on the road, performing at birthday parties and other special events. His ensemble is made up of a poodle named Larry and two parrots, Polly and Pollyanna. Its a regular one man, three animal circus. Abner talks and the animals do tricks.

Business has been slow lately on account of a serious mishap a year ago during Ann Wobbles 8th birthday party. Little Ann wanted to pet Larry. When Abner wasn't looking she reached her hand into his cage. Larry snapped at her. Ann's screaming startled the parrots. It was pure mayhem in the living room. The spooked parrots flew around the living room attacking the children as they scurried for cover. To those watching through the front room window it would have looked like a scene from Alfred Hitchcock's thriller The Birds.

Tonight is Abner's second attempt to draw a crowd at the library. It's difficult to get people to come see the show when the village's constable requires everyone attending to wear a hat of some kind - preferable a motorcycle or bike helmet - just in case Polly and Pollyanna have another meltdown. The police warning is printed in bold letters on the back of every ticket.

I have my baseball cap in hand and ready for the show. I like Abner and want to help him get back on his feet. He has a good personality and never smashes my bread or breaks the eggs when he bags my groceries. I want to reward such skill and devotion to duty
.
I encourage everyone reading to come to the show. Again, it is at the library at 7:00 P.M.

Victor

Clovershire Weather and Cloverdale Weekend Television's Songs of Praise

2010-07-18T07:18:00.002-07:00

Coverdale Weather.

A day trip to Tamworth on Tide or the Lake of Sorrows may be the only relief Clovershire residents can find from this oppressive heat wave. Expect crowded trains to the coast and book your day trip tickets early. With no rain in the forecast for the next five days and temperatures reaching record highs the Shire health department encourages you to drink plenty of water and stay indoors . Reduce physical activity to early morning and after sunset. Think of cooler temperatures and Autumn leaves, for this to shall pass.

Today on Cloverdale Weekend Television's Songs of Praise, enjoy Libera singing "Gloria" from California's Crystal Cathedral in Orange County.
Cloverdale's Council of Churches encourages you to attend one of the village's houses of worship. Please call Cloverdale 4365 for more information on Sunday services, times and locations.

My Walk on a Hot Cloverdale Day.

2010-07-17T13:17:00.011-07:00

Hello Friends,
It's hotter than Hades in Cloverdale today. The clouds themselves disappeared in search for shade. It may not be hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk but I dare you to walk across that same sidewalk barefoot. Your frantic hopping about would amuse anyone passing by.

I thought to walk along the canal and then cut over the field to the Piggly Wiggly for a few groceries. When the cupboards are bare one does what one must do to eat, even if it means braving this blast furnace of a July day. I don't have a car in Cloverdale. I leave my Lincoln Battlestar Town Car in the Other World when I come here for the weekends on the Coastal Express. Everything I need is within walking distance. There are, however, a few times when a car would be a Godsend (like today). I'm hoping my frozen food still carries a chill by the time I get it home and in the freezer.

The air was warm and scented by lilac's growing along the canal. I walked slowly, there was no rush. In fact, rushing is outlawed in Cloverdale. Newcomers to the village are surprise when locals stop them in their scurry and tell them to "Slow Down. Life's too short."

I took a round about way to the store, wanting to stop for a sticky bun and ice cold milk at the Moss Wonderland Bakery. The shop was busy with villagers making their bakery purchases for the weekend. I sat on one of the outside tables to eat my second breakfast and was soon joined by Vanessa Bleech, local school teacher and connoisseur of fine cream puffs. We spoke of the weather and the lack of rain. She carried the rest of the conversation, directing it toward school and teaching in general. I stopped her half way through her description of her last year's class and excused myself. She nodded, giving me permission to take my leave. I was happy to be on my way. I glanced back and saw that she had changed tables and was entertaining the grumpy Boot's Chemist. He looked like a trapped animal cornered by a Blabberbeast.

In passing I stopped to read the outside bulletin board on the lawn of St. Bartholomew's Church. It made me laugh. It read

St. Bartholomew's Catholic Church
Cloverdale, Clovershire

Monday: Abused Feelings Support Group
Tuesday: Alcoholics Anonymous
Wednesday: Eating Disorders
Thursday: Say No to Drugs
Friday: Bankruptcy Support and Counseling
Saturday: Soup Kitchen
Sunday Services: 9:00 A.M. This Week's Sermon: Cloverdale's Joyous Future!

Sister Elizabeth Mary Catherine Teresa, Host of You Are Sin.

Another sign was taped to the bottom of the Notice Board advertising Sister Elizabeth Mary Catherine Teresa, Mother Superior of the Convent of the Sisters of Ever Increasing Hope's weekly television show 'You Are Sin' on Cloverdale Weekend Television every Sunday morning at 10:00 AM

This Week on
You Are Sin
Hosted by Sister Elizabeth Mary Catherine Teresa

TEXTING
THE VEHICLE OF VOICELESS FILTH

Yes, I'll be sure to tune in for that!

To make a long story short, I made it to the Piggly Wiggly, bought my groceries and got home before my ice cream completely melted. Mind you, I nearly suffered from heat stroke in my haste. I'm resting now with computer on lap and enjoying the breeze stirred up by my small electric fan. Perhaps I'll go out later tonight. There should be local music at the Kicking Donkey. If you're in town, stop by and say hello.

Victor

Garth Gibbon's Seventh Birthday Party

2010-07-11T12:39:00.006-07:00

The Photograph from the Birthday Invitations Sent to Garth's Friends
Inviting Them to His Seventh Birthday Party.

Garth “007” Gibbons Celebrates Seventh Birthday.
Taken From Cloverdale’s Weekly Newspaper: The Confederacy Times
Cloverdale (News)

Garth Gibbons, or "007" as he prefers to be called, celebrated his seventh birthday last Friday at the Assisted Living Home of Floyd Gibbons, his grandfather and resident of the Nearly There Home for the Elderly and Infirmed. The Home's Director allowed the Gibbons exclusive use of the therapy pool and hot tub for a surprisingly large rental fee gladly paid by Floyd and many of the other male residents of the Home.

“The boy loves James Bond and has all the movies,” Floyd said of his grandson. “Course, I’m not so sure if isn’t the beautiful women Garth is more attracted to than James Bond himself, if the boy is anything like his granddad!”

Floyd contact a modelling agency in Capital City and hired their top models to be on hand to “decorate” the party and give it that 'James Bond' look. Games of chance were set up poolside so Garth and his friends could experience the life of a playboy at a Monte Carlo Casino. The boys gambled for prizes and candy using fake money. Each of boys were also issued water pistols at the pool gate, just in case Jame's arch Nemesis, Toothless Floyd, crashed the party seeking revenge from James Bond for his hand in Thwarting his bank robbery in Paris the year before.

"The whole Toothless Floyd was my idea," Floyd Gibbons said during the interview for this article. He removed his upper denture to illustrate the reason by he chose to give himself the name 'Toothless Floyd".

The models arrived one hour early. Floyd’s Grandfather claimed it was a communication error on his part for not notifying the agency of a change in the party’s starting time.
“As long as you are here, why not take advantage of the pool and hot tub while you wait. We will cover the extra hour,” Floyd suggested to the Agency’s Director.

The models did not disappoint. Each wore the kind of swimwear one would expect for a James Bond event. The models made use of the pool while they waited. The Home’s gentlemen were poolside to ensure they were properly supervised and well cared for. The Home’s Director was shocked to later learn that champagne, and other alcoholic beverages, were smuggled onto the premises and served to the models poolside. Alcohol has always been a violation of the Home’s rules. The Home's Director later punished Floyd and his friends by taking away their after supper desserts for two weeks. Floyd later said the punishment was a small price to pay for the "feeling of being young again". Of course, the alcohol was removed when the children arrived and the real party started.

Little Garth and his friends said it was the best party ever. The attending boy’s dads were in complete agreement. Garth and his friends especially like it when his granddad and friends came shuffling out of the building carrying Water Cannon 300’s, the most powerful water pistols sold at Donaldson’s Department Store. Toothless Floyd and his gang of geriatric thugs and criminals attacked the boys, shooting them, and the models, with blasts of water in an attempt to take out the great James Bond himself. However Garth and his friends, with help from the models, fought back. In the end, the attack was thwarted and the old men lay on the concrete - dead by water blast. After several pictures were taken of the boys gloating over the bodies of their fallen arch enemies, the models helped the old men up from the concrete and escorted them to the deck chairs so they could enjoy the rest of the party and scenery.

It was a boy’s party never to be forgotten by the residents of the Cloverdale, and in particular, the male inmates of the Nearly There Home for the Elderly and Infirmed.

Cloverdale Weekend Television. Music for a Still Summer's Night.

2010-07-11T07:35:00.003-07:00

Cloverdale Weekend Television:
Saturday Night: 19:00 hrs - 22:00 hrs. Music for a Still Summer's Night. Followed by the news and weather.

Cloverdale's Leroy Pickins Protests the Twilight Movie Series.

2010-07-04T12:46:00.008-07:00

Leroy Pickins Outside the Grand Theater at Last Year's Showing of Twilight

Leroy Pickins woke two days ago after a restless sleep. The anticipation and long wait for the new Twilight movie was over. Eclipse, the third movie in the Twilight saga would be shown at Cloverdale's Grand Theater that night for the first time. His excitement wasn’t born from a love for the series, in fact the opposite was true. Leroy’s excitement sprang from his loathing of all things which spring from Satan’s loins.

“Them Vampires are of the devil,” Leroy was quoted as saying in an article published in the Confederacy Times when the last Twilight movie was shown in Cloverdale a year ago. Leroy picketed the theater for three days, warning all movie goers that their souls were in danger of Hell’s fires if they entered the theater. On the second day Leroy realized his warnings were falling on deaf ears. Despite his pleas and curses, the line for each showing seemed to be growing larger and larger. He needed something more than just words to startle those hypnotized by demons back into a state of grace. On the morning of his last day of protesting, Leroy stopped at the local Piggly Wiggly on his way to the Grand Theater to purchase ten pounds of hamburger.

The village constable was waiting for him when he arrived.
“Leroy, you’ve got to stay off the Grand Theater’s property today or I’ll have to take you in. You got that?” the Constable said sternly.
“Got it sheriff,” Leroy answered back sarcastically. The Constable stayed for several minutes before getting a call about a possible accident between a car and a poorly thrown Frisbee near the Village Park. The Constable hopped onto his bike and pedaled away, waving his finger at Leroy until he was out of sight.

Leroy reached into the Piggly Wiggly plastic grocery carrier bag and took out the raw meat. He opened the wrapper and started to roll the ten pounds of hamburger into tiny one inch diameter balls.
“If these so called Christians love blood and guts then I’ll give it to ‘em. It will all be right here on the streets. There ain’t no need to go into the theater to see it,” Leroy said confidently to two twelve year old boys who happened to be passing on their skateboards and took an interest in his large sign urging people to ask him why they were Hell bound.
“Can we help you throw those?!” one boy said with much enthusiasm.
“Are you a good Christian?” Leroy asked.
“Jesus died for my sins!” the boy shouted.
“Hallelujah and Amen!” Leroy said to finish the moment of praise. “Let’s get throwing.”

Leroy and the two boys started peppering the thirty or so people standing in the Twilight line outside the theater with raw hamburger balls. The few men in the line ran for cover. The ladies, on the other hand, would have none of it. They broke the line and charged toward Leroy and the lads.

By the time the Constable arrived the three were lying face down in the grass, their mouths stuffed with raw hamburger. Leroy was given a ticket for violating the peace and contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

Sam Bilbo and Nick Olsen in the Village Jail Awaiting Parental Pick Up
after throwing raw hamburger at the patrons of the Grand Theater.

This year Leroy thought he'd take a different approach. He purchased a digital camera a week after learning of the first showing of Eclipse at the Grand Theater in mid summer. He enrolled in community education at the Comprehensive School and took a class in Blogging. To pass the class, Leroy was required to start a blog and maintain it for at least two months.

Leroy’s blog was called, “Why You’re a Sinner”. two nights ago the blog got its first pictures. Leroy used his digital camera to on take picture of everyone in the Eclipse line and posted them to his blog.

“Smile, You’re on Hell’s Camera!” he shouted as he snapped picture after picture of people exited their cars and getting into the movie line. The Constable was on hand to be sure the events of a year ago were not repeated. The two boys, now thirteen, were there as well egging Leroy on. Leroy rushed home as soon as everyone in the line got into the movie and posted his pictures to the web. He was pleased with his work and was excited to return the next night to continue his campaign of shame against the army of Satan.

Last night, Leroy returned with sign and camera. He positioned himself across the street from the Grand Theater and waited. Thirty minutes later people started arriving.
“Smile, You’re on Hell’s Camera!” Leroy shouted as he snapped picture after picture.
The Constable was absent. That fact surprised Leroy. Leroy was also surprised to see so many children in the line that evening.

“Can you believe it?” Leroy said to his two delinquent supporters who returned to see what Leroy was up to. “Have those sinners no shame? Look how they take their children into that movie!”

Ten minutes later the Constable arrived by bike.  
“Leroy, what are you doing here tonight?” he demanded. He was short of breath and dripped with sweat. You could tell he had rushed to get there.

“You know what I’m doing Sheriff,” Leroy answered. “I’m trying to save those innocent children from the flames of Hell because you and I know the Devil will get into their minds after seeing that movie.”

The Constable looked confused and surprised. He motioned the two boys away. They hopped atop their skateboards and clickity clacked down the sidewalk. Turning back to Leroy the Constable asked, “What Movie?!”

“Eclipse!” Leroy shouted back, giving the Constable a look of unbelief. He knew the village Constable was a bit slow at times but tonight he seemed as thick as an “Over the Top” milkshake from the Dairy Queen.

“Leroy, Eclipse isn’t playing tonight,” the constable said with a better look of disbelief than Leroy could muster. “The Grand is playing Toy Story 3 tonight. Eclipse played for one night only last night as a special showing. It don’t open on a regular basis until next week YOU IDIOT!”

Leroy had to stoop down to pick his jaw up off the sidewalk after hearing the Constable's words. He’d just made a fool out of himself.

“Get outta here!” the Constable ordered. An order Leroy didn’t question.

Leroy spent today licking his wounds. The battle of against sin had given him a lickin but he knew he had what it took to come back tickin. His crusade to save the souls of Cloverdale’s citizens would continue when Eclipse opened for its regular run. Until then, Leroy thought it best to enjoy a drink at the Hairy Lemon with a few friends. I passed him on the street as I was heading home from the Train Station.

Yes, its just another day in Cloverdale.....