Hyrum is Patient and Curious

Hyrum Ledder is waiting on the train tracks. It's been three hours and still no train. He’s already missed the Saturday matinee at the Grand Theater with his friends. He's a bit upset about that but patience is something Hyrum was blessed with. It’s nearly 4:00 P.M. now. He will wait another two hours. If he isn’t home by 6:00 P.M. his mother will be worried. The last time he went on one of his quests he lost all track of time and was grounded for one week. He won’t make that mistake again.

Hyrum has an innocence rarely seen in a child his age. Unfortunately this innocence makes him the most gullible kid in the neighborhood. If you tell him something is so - then it must be so. If he sees it on TV then it must be real. If he ears it on the radio or reads it in a book then who is he to doubt it?

He has been the brunt of many practical jokes over his few years. His ego has the scars to prove it but deep in his soul he has this overwhelming need to believe in the honesty and goodness of people. Fiction is a concept he struggles with. He can’t understand why anyone would say or do anything that wasn’t true.

He joined the Cub Scouts once. His membership lasted one month and came to an abrupt end on his mother’s insistence after his first outdoor day camp. The other boys in his troop took him on a snipe hunt. He stayed in the forest for hours looking for the illusive birds. He got lost during the hunt. It took the Shire Search and Rescue Team half a day to find him. He couldn’t believe his friends would do that to him and so, even to this day, he watches for snipes in the trees.

Last Friday night he was watching a old TV western with his teenaged sister. One scene caught Hyrum’s fancy. There was an masked robber waiting to hold up the train. He barricaded the tracks and waited. From time to time the bandit bent down and placed his ear on the tracks to listen for the sound of the train in the far distance.

Hyrum asked his older sister if it was really possible to hear an oncoming train by putting your ear to the track. His sister rolled her eyes at him for asking what she considered a stupid question. Seeing another opportunity to mess with his mind she told him to go and find out himself. She suggest a set of tracks near the old meat packing plant. She knew the plant closed several years ago. She knew trains no longer traveled on those tracks. That’s what made the whole thing funny.

On Saturday morning she helped him pack a lunch and sent him on his way with instructions not to come home until knew one way or the other if a train could be heard from miles away by placing your ear on the tracks.

And so Hyrum waits. Every couple minutes he bends down and puts his ear the to track. He listens, and listens...... and then listens some more. He will wait another two hours and go home. Tomorrow is Sunday. He will come back after breakfast and his morning chores.

Hyrum is a patient and curious boy.

Beau Randall is a Happy Boy

Beau, Horton and Mr. White

Beau Randall is allergic to cats and dogs. One touch, perhaps even a sniff and he explodes into a variety of hives. The hives are his body's first act. His eyes swell shut for the second act in this allergic drama. Beau sits beside his mother and suffers in darkness. She keeps a wet washcloth on his face. It seems to help. After a dose of Benedril, and a long wait, his body finishes the war its waging with itself. The hives disappear, his eyes reopen and Beau transforms back into a little boy. He is careful with his allergy but his heart, and his yearning for a pet sometimes gets the best of him.

One Saturday morning last summer Beau and his mother got up early to garage sale. Garage sales are an important component in Mrs. Randall’s weekly routine. Without them, and the occasional visit to the Salvation Army Thrift Store, Peggy Randall would find it nearly impossible to keep her seven children in clothing. Garage sales are the source for nearly all of the Radall children’s Christmas and birthday presents as well.

Mrs. Randall prepares for each Saturday morning safari by mapping out the expedition on a laminated map of Cloverdale. With the Friday edition of the village newspaper laid out before her on the kitchen table she plots every advertised sale on the map with a grease pen. Then using her tried and true method of saving time and gas, she calculates where to go first, then second and so on. She knows which neighborhoods to canvas and when - ensuring the best selection. Her stops are fast and furious. Beau likes to go with her but struggles to match her pace. The van pulls up to a house. Mrs. Randall is out the door before the van comes to a complete stop. She’s already through most of the clothing before Beau finishes his battle with the seat belt and gets the sliding van door open. Once outside, Beau runs to find the toys knowing he has a few precious minutes while his mother haggles over prices.

“Beau. MOVE,” Peggy shouts when the purchases are complete and she is ready to move on to the next sale. Beau runs to open the back of the van. The clothes and toys are tossed into a heap behind the back seat, the doors closed, seat belts attached and the van screeches down the avenue.

Now, back to my story. One Saturday morning last summer Beau was digging through the toys at a large multifamily garage sale. He glanced over at his mother. Her arms were full of clothing and toys. She was walking toward a card table holding a cash box and two cups of coffee. Two rather large ladies sat at the table gossiping about anyone that wasn't within ear shot. Beau knew he had roughly five minutes to finish his explorations based on the size of the load in his mother’s arms and how quickly she could make a deal on the prices. Peggy always insists on volume discounts and she usually got one.

“Beau, MOVE,” he heard the signal and dropped everything he was carrying. Something caught his eye as he rushed toward the van to open the door for his mother. He stopped dead in his tracks and stared at the treasure. Next to an old washing machine and floor lamp with a bent shade was an miniature elephant on a skateboard. The elephant looked like Horton from the Dr. Suess book his teacher read to them the week before. He seemed hypnotized.

Mrs. Randall saw her son’s reaction to the toy as she waited impatiently behind the van with her arms full of clothing. She struggled to get the van open, deposited the clothes and ran back to the two ladies at the cash register. She pointed to the elephant, haggled a bit, opened her pocket book and took out a couple of bank notes. “Beau, MOVE,” she shouted again as she jumped into the van and started the engine. Beau broke his trance and reluctantly followed his mother’s command. The van screeched down the street leaving the elephant to find a home with some other lucky boy. Month's passed. The elephant was never discussed and time erased its memory.

Beau’s birthday was last Wednesday . He had a small party after school. He was allowed to invite three best friends for cake and ice cream. Afterwards, Mrs. Randall took them to the Grand Theater for a movie. After the party Beau watched a little TV. It was getting near bed time.

“Beau,” Mrs. Randall said, “time for bed.” Beau stopped in the bathroom, brushed his teeth and washed his face. He kissed him mother goodnight and walked toward the bedroom. He thought it strange his mother was following him with the camera. He turned on the light, turned to his bed and froze. Sitting on his bed was the elephant riding the skateboard.
“Surprise,” he heard his mother say behind in. She stood in the doorway with her camera. The flash lit the room for an instant capturing the face of a very happy little boy that had a pet he could love without the agony of an allergic reaction. Beau embraced the elephant, then his mother and then the elephant again. He named him Horton.

Beau takes Horton on walks everyday. He is a talkative child and stops the neighbors he finds and introduces them to his new pet. Mr. White was especially delighted to meet Horton. Mr. White is odd. He rides a skateboard. Most old men don’t ride skateboards but Mr. White was once a stunt man for movies and claims to have perfect balance. Mr. White was pleased to meet an elephant that rides a skateboard as well. “We can be odd together,” he said to Horton.

Beau had the best ever birthday.

A Day in Cloverdale is the Fortune in my Cookie. Come spend a bewildering day with us. We'll provide the sandwiches.

It’s not uncommon to find happy families on any given day in Cloverdale’s two public parks, and why wouldn’t they be happy? Work is plentiful because the worldwide recession can’t find the Confederacy of Dunces.

Our citizens are different than those that live in The Other World. We save money, even if it isn't convenient, because we realize every bright sunny day is followed by a dark, cold rainy one. Life has its ups and downs. If you’re only prepared for the ups, what will you do when the roller coaster starts to free fall? If you don’t have a plan you won’t bottom out and climb again. Instead you crash and crashing is never pretty.

Our citizens understand and live by the principle of an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay. You may think its common sense but isn't 'common sense' in short supply in The Other World? Why do people 'out there' believe they are entitled to a big home and new car right out of school? Those are the things you purchase after years of hard work and only when you saved enough to justify the purchase without borrowing beyond your ability to repay.

Our CEO’s in the Confederacy make a competitive salary with those in the Other World. They get pay raises if their employees get pay raises. Bonuses are not permitted. You're paid what you’re worth. Is there something wrong with that? Why receive a bonus if your company does well. Isn’t that what your paid to do for the company anyway?

Our citizens purchase homes they can afford to live in. If you can’t afford the house payments with a normal fixed rate 30 year mortgage then you shouldn’t purchase the house. Find something smaller. Does it seem like common sense to you? If so, then you may be one of us.

Life in the Confederacy of Dunces may be slower. People may be more cautious with their money and more conservative in their purchases but at the end of the day they sleep well knowing they are living within their means and saving a little at the end of every month for the future.

Stress disappears with that piece of mind. So, the moral of the story is this. Engage the common sense chip you were born with. If is sounds too good to be true then it is. Go into debt for large purchases only (car and home). Pay with cash for everything else from your emergency savings funds and then, when you get home from work, instead of going to your second or third job, take the family to the park and skip on the sidewalk and swing in the trees.

Life can be good again. You know what to do.

Therapy for the Soul. A Room with a View, Bubble Wrap, and a Diet Coke. Please Don't Disturb.

When a package arrives I quickly open it wide
And hastily remove all the stuff found inside
I discard all items except the plastic wrapped
That piece with bubbles in which air is trapped.

I spread the sheet and look downward with glee.

And with two fingers, I pop one, two, then three.
I feel quite content and my face gets a glow
I pop some more and move on to the next row.

I’m feeling so good I can’t think of stopping
As the room fills with the sounds of popping.
Every worry and care and each little trouble
Floats away with the pop of each air bubble.

When I finally reach the end I feel quite mellow
All that popping has made me a contented fellow.
If you are like me, and contentment is a rarity,
Get some bubble wrap: It’s cheaper than therapy.

by Geoff Weilert

Pearl Fawn and Cloverdale's Psychic Awareness Day

Pearl Fawn. Psychic and Astrologer to the Confederacy Royal Court of
Grand Duke Maximilian Ferdinand Dunce

There was almost a commotion at the Cloverdale Train Station this afternoon. A large crowd of twelve very nearly packed platform one as they waited for the Coastal Express from Fernwood on the Moor. The Palmist Pearl Fawn, Psychic and Astrologer to the Confederacy Royal Court of Grand Duke Maximilian Ferdinand Dunce was due to arrive.

Pearl Fawn is known throughout the Confederacy of Dunces for her uncanny ability to see the present, past, and future by tracing lines on the palm of one’s hand. She is on a national tour to demonstrate her new ‘gift’. Pearl claims to have evolved onto a higher plane of existence over the last three weeks through meditation, watching her sodium intake and using ‘Yoga for Beginners’, a DVD set of yoga exercises she found on Amazon.com. With this ascension came the gift of remote vision, or the ability to remotely read palms. In other words, she can psychically see your palm without actually seeing it. This new gift makes it possible for thousands of people to call her hotline (1-800-ISeesYou) and, for a nominal charge of $2.00 (American Dollars only) per minute payable through her PayPal account, have their palm read remotely.

Her visit to Cloverdale kicks off Cloverdale’s Psychic Awareness Day. This celebration of second sight begins with a welcoming ceremony at the train station by Cloverdale’s Amateur Psychics Association. There will be no vocal speeches. Instead, the welcoming remarks will be telepathically transmitted to the gathering . A local telepath will translate the thoughtremarks into toungespeak for those not blessed with the gift. After the welcoming thoughts, Pearl will lead a parade from the station to the Comprehensive School’s Little Theater. She will be escorted down the High Street by members of Thought Guard, the security service of the Psychic Association. Thought Guard will use their mental powers to create a thought shield around her to thwart a threatened mental terrorist attack from the rival Eye of Isis Club in Dibley in the Downs. These Dibley diviners are angry their hamlet wasn’t included on Pearl’s national tour appearances list.

Pearl will stop along the parade route to give random mini readings to the spectators. Priests will be on hand to give grief counseling in case misfortunes are foretold. The procession will stop at the Village Hall where Pearl will be given the Key to the City’s Minds. Following the presentation, Pearl will do a televised reading of the Lord Mayor’s palm. Afterwards she will give him a health analysis by reading his eye’s iris. The Lord Mayor's doctor will be present to confirm Pearl's reading.

The Psychic Celebration will kick off at Noon with a VIP luncheon in the Comprehensive School’s cafeteria. Toungespeak will be allowed for the remainder of the day so the non-gifted can fully participation the events. After lunch, Pearl will give the keynote address titled “The Solemn Responsibility of Reading the Future and Its Effects on the Present”. Workshops will fill the afternoon hours. The Workshop schedule is below:

• 1:00 - 2:00 P.M. Using your ability to win at games of chance.
• 2:00 - 3:00 P.M. The Psychic and the Law. Learn the dangers of using your powers to manipulate the police and the courts.
• 4:00 - 5:00 P.M. DeadSpeak. Learn how to communicate with the dearly departed.
• 5:00 - 6:00 P.M. Sci-Fi Psychics. Learn what The Force really is and how to use it against the weak minded. The last half of the workshop is spent learning the correct techniques to practice Vulcan Mind Melding.

Conference goers will learn the Proper method to mind meld

The Kicking Donkey Pub will supply a catered dinner. Your servers will be members of the school’s mildly gifted student club.

The conference’s Grand Finale is called “Monte Carlo”. The gym will be transformed to resemble a Monte Carlo casino. There will be games of chance (nickel limit) along with dancing and a floor show of psychedelic lights and fog.

This promises to be the best Psychic Awareness Day in the community’s history. Let’s provide a warm Cloverdale welcome to Pearl Fawn and our visiting psychics. May their readings be accurate and may they see the good in all of us.

The Conference will offer free readings in the exhibits hall.

The Last Love of your Life. Winterslove.org.co.cd

Bernard Truman will help you find the Last Love of your Life.

Bernard Truman was lonely. His wife Lola passed away several years ago. Without her loving influence he slowly slipped away and waited for death to come calling. His days were spent taking long walks or talking to his dog Maxine. Without Lola’s genius in the kitchen his meals degenerated to canned soup and frozen vegetables. He lost weight and his overall health suffered to the point where the Shire Home Nurse recommend he voluntarily enter a rest home.

One day while half watching his thirteen inch black and white television and half watching the rain pelting his parlor window he heard a commercial on the TV. He turned to the set and focused his attention long enough to understand. It was a commercial for an online dating service called Springlove. Springlove promised to find anyone a match if you paid a fee and filled out your two hundred point personality profile. Bernard’s blood pressure rose slightly pulling oxygen into his starving brain. His heart starting beating hard enough to be felt as it rattled away beneath his malnourished skeletal frame. Bernard had a thought. Why not find someone to love in his final years? He knew Lola would approve. It was time to move on.

Bernard sat with pencil and paper in hand ready to write down the telephone number for Springlove. The closing scene of the commercial flickered in hundreds of black and white pixels - a man and woman walking arm in arm into the multi shaded gray sunset. Instead of a phone number the screen displayed a web site. Bernard recognized what a web site looked like but had never used a computer. The game show returned. Bernard was up and out of his seat. He put on his rain coat and ventured out into the shower and down the sidewalk to the Salvation Army Thrift Store.

“I want a computer,” he told Major Valerie. Major Valerie was the manager in charge that afternoon. She took him in the back room and showed him the limited selection. Most of it was junk. Even Bernard could see that. The Major apologized for not being very helpful and then remembered a new shipment of used computers from the Shire schools. They were still on a packing pallet covered in plastic on the back porch. With a razor blade and determination they cut through he plastic and set out each computer on a large table. One computer looked promising. Its plastic shell was free of the foul school yard language found scratched into the plastic of the other machines. The computer turned on. The hard drive spun into life. The screen displayed something called Windows. Bernard made the purchase.

After spending several weeks learning how to use the mouse and internet thanks to his neighbor’s Eagle Scout project, Bernard joined Springlove. He took the personality profile and waited for the result. He waited. And waited. And waited some more. A week later he received notice that Springlove had credited his enrollment fee back to his bank. In the email explanation someone from the matchmaking service said he was far too old and they didn’t have anyone interested in dating someone old enough to be their great grandfather. Bernard was devastated. He wondered if he was truly ‘Past It’ as they implied in their email.

The next day his Boy Scout neighbor stopped by for his Eagle Scout Project - teaching the elderly basic computer skills. Bernard explained the situation and told him he was through with computers. He had Maxine and that was all he needed.
“Why not start your own dating service for old timers like you?” the Boy Scout asked. “I could create a web site and teach you how to run it. Of course this is beyond my Scout project so I'll have to charge you something," the boy explained.

Bernard took the next week to consider the possibilities of running his own matchmaking service for the nearly dead. After an evening discussing the pros and cons with Maxine, Bernard decided to do it. With the help of his neighbor and a portion of his savings Bernard founded Winterlove, the matchmaking service for the elderly and home bound. He decided on the word 'winter' to illustrate where he was on life’s journey.

Winterlove took off. Soon Bernard had over fifty geriatric clients - all looking for someone’s hand to hold as they slipped through the mortal curtain and into eternity. Bernard even found someone for himself. A lovely woman his age from Strawberry Junction. He stepped out with her several times before she fell and broke her hip. She was moved by ambulance to Capital City’s Medical Center and they lost touch. Bernard’s new match is a woman two years younger. She can cook and tolerates the hours of time he spends working on his web site. She helps with the matches and beams with pride when she receives emails saying her matches were successful.

Bernard found a new lease on life. He helps lonely people like himself find partners in the winter of their lives. He even enjoys the time he spends on the computer. He has a hard time seeing the keyboard some days and other days just turning it on confuses him.

Elda and Maurice, Just Another Winterslove Success Story

Remember Winterslove if you have a lonely, elderly member of your family and are looking for someone to take your place as their care giver. You may need to spend a little money for a good hair cut, dentures, and clothing that doesn't look like it was ordered from the 1972 Sears Catalog. Remember you are placing your senior citizen back on the dating market and first impressions still matter.

Eli Ferret Barnes. Protector of Cloverdale's Network.

Eli Ferret Barnes. Villager Network Protector. A rare photograph taken by the Lord Mayor.

In the basement of Cloverdale’s Village Office is a rarely traveled hallway leading to a custodial closet and stairwell. At the end of the hallway is a black windowless metal door with a nameplate which reads “Eli Ferret Barnes. Network”.

No one sees Eli come to work and no one sees him leave. There are rumors he hasn’t left his office in twenty years. The rumors are exaggerated. He must leave the office sometimes because his utility bills are mailed to a home on Millstone Road. He is always in his office when the Lord Mayor calls. He is always at work when the village secretary stops in deliver his paycheck. The building custodian makes it a point to check on him but doesn’t stay long. Eli becomes agitated around people. The first few minutes of a conversation are clearly uncomfortable for him. He won't look you in the eye as you speak. Instead, he stares at a place on the floor. If your visit lasts over five minutes he stands and moves toward his office door giving you the signal that it is time to go. At seven minutes he opens the office door, picks up the broom he keeps next to the coat rack, and begins sweeping around your feet. It is his way of sweeping away the unwanted litter standing on his office floor. A year ago he hung a new sign on his office door. It read "Is It Necessary?"

Eli has never been a people person. Numbers are his friends. As a child, Eli would stand in front of the family wireless and spin the tuning dial to see the numbers pass in front of the station line. His interest was not the station content - it was the turning numbers . This compulsion interrupted many of the radio shows his family enjoyed. Punishments would follow and Eli would spend more time alone in his room buried in his math.

Eli Ferret Barnes grew older and drew further from people. He spoke only when it was necessary to ask a question or pass on his wishes. He functioned in society on a marginal basis. Most people acknowledged his condition and gave him great latitude. He majored in math at university and planned on working as a calculator in the Ministry of Defense. Then one day as he sat reading a magazine at the barbershop he came across an article on the world’s first computer - the Eniac. It fascinated him. He took the magazine to the chair and continued to read while his hair was trimmed. Halfway through the cut he found an address for more information. He jumped up, reached in his pocket, took out a handful of change and dropped it into the barbers hand. He walked out with half a haircut. From that day to the present computers became his constant companions. He speaks their language and they don't required social exchanges.

Eli is getting older and is having trouble seeing the keyboard. He is still a wizard with numbers but his memory is struggling to make relationships. He has provided the Shire with decades of faithful service and has decided the time has come to retire.

May 1st will be Eli’s last day of work safeguarding the village computer network and security. Eli requests no party be given in his honor. As a retirement gift Eli requests a life subscription to the online Sudoku Monthly. I can't say Eli will be missed. It is hard to miss something that was really never there but the Lord Mayor succeeded it getting a picture of Eli one of the few times he was found outside his office. This picture will be framed and hung outside his office door as a testament to his community service.